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How to cope with your host's family?
Miri Offline
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#1
 
How to cope with your host's family?

I didn't want to make this thread but I've reached my limit, I can't stand Miri's brother, I hate him. I can tolerate the rest of her family but not her brother, I can't let this hatred affect our relationship, I always get in a bad mood whenever he's around, this is not normal. Miri is working to fix her relationship with her brother, I need to fix this, do you have any advice? experiences are also welcomed, I can't be the only one, right?

Akai: 5'6 female with red hair, blue eyes and fox ears/tail.
Miri: 5'5 female with brown hair and green eyes.
09-07-2018, 02:50 PM
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Angry Bear Online
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#2
 
RE: How to cope with your host's family?

Well you know i always have something to say, and i am rarely serious, but on this subject in particular i am...

I write this to give you examples, and a possible logic to your ultimate decision.  That decision may not be possible to make today, but eventually you will make it.  I do not know anything about your relationship with him, other than he sounds imature and impish.  You want to fix it, so this may be overkill.  So take this with that in mind.

My advice is ultimately to give him every opportunity to show you he is supportive at least in the general sense.  Unless he is abusive.  You want to fix your own feelings, then that is well within your power.  Try to see every comment, every action, every snide remark from his side.  Also realize that he may just think your realtionship with him is combatative in its nature.  

Take deep breaths, smile, offer compliments, be supportive to his endevors no matter how revolting or difficult this sounds. If he is a truly good person, treat him that way.  Ignore his nonsence if it's not downright abusive.  If you know he cares deep down, show him you do too.  Also guys are typically less mature than women in general, therefore he may never stop being a jerk. But as long as he's not destructive, give him the benefit of the doubt.

Possible inapplicable word wall below.

Background:
My brother was much older, old enough to be destroyed by my father's passing (he was 12 at the time).  

I have a very strong memory that has haunted me all my life.  When my mother told us my father had passed (literally he was laying in the bedroom and we were standing just outside.  She brought him home from the hospitol so he could die at home.) I didn't cry, i was too young to understand, and my brother took offense to this and hit me hard enough to make me cry.  To that point i didn't really have much interaction with him, no memories at all.

After that, he was merciless and cruel.  There are fond memories though, few, but some.  To add insult to his injury, my mother eventually went to work to support us and he had to get me from school (preschool even) and watch me until she came home, sometimes it was evening  before she came home.

Frequently things went sour.  I will spare the details.

Even when i came of age, i thought well of him.  He was my brother, so why wouldn't i? It's what you are supposed to do.  Even after many instances of abuse toward me, life threatening abuse, i still thought well of him in general.

Later in my life, during my first bout with MDD, i began to realize that he, along with my mother, were a destructive influence.  Only then, as i saw them wreak havok in my life as an adult, even to the point of destorying my relationships wth others, did i extricate myself from them.  It has been 10 years since then.  My mother and sister have since passed.

Unless he is a destructive influence in your life, give him the benefit of the doubt.  Siblings (like my older sister and i when we were friends) fight.  They hit eachother, they yell at eachother, they can say hurtful things, they are frequently immature, annoying,vl and impish, but you can see a pattern.  It may take a while, so that is why you give every opportunity for them to show it.  But the pattern is either destructive, or supportive.  

Let me first give you one last experiance as evidense that what you are feeling can be overcome.  A related grandmother, played a secondary role in my life, as they often do, but during my most recent bout with MDD (minor) i have fallen through many stages with her.  Like i said, indifference with her turned to minor friendship about 4 years ago.  She was old and wise and she was frequently passionately overcautious with her advice, but i can filter out good advice from nonsense.  I visited her often, she always has good food, but at some point my opinion of her became acidic.  Even to point of feeling like i never wanted to see her again.  She was combatative, but not cruel.  

The pattern i always saw was that she was proud of me, she cared about me as if i was her own.  So against my emotional judgement i gave her chance after chance.  When i began meditating last year, after seeing how i could potentially be the problem in my realtionships, i noticed that my snapping (a clear sign of early depression) was setting her off.  But she never denied my entry.  Even when i came in like an 'angry bear' she welcomed me (but combatively).  She actually helped me with my meditation (to relieve stress) and we had many important discussions.

Especially this year, before my tulpae, she gebuinely wanted to help with my deptession.  I love her now, but we aren't 'friends' in the typical sense.  We visit and talk, she does not know my damage as well as you or others who read my posts do.  But i will support her now (mentally, not monetarily, she has money) because she supports me.  I could not see it at the time when i really disliked her, but the pattern was supportive, always.  Not every day, but consistantly over time.  

So what your brother does may be impish and immature or worse, but if he is over time supportive, than think about his side of what he is saying.  At the same time don't take his abuse.

Now if it's really bad:

Seperation is tremendously difficult, annoying, heartbreaking, but in some cases (i mean the barest few cases) i believe it is necessary,  and i don't regret it.

I could and have forgiven my brother for what he did when we were young.  What we went through together overshadowed his abuse of me.  But when he bacame a grown man, with a life of his own, and he continued the cycle of destruction, then it was time to cut ties.  The same was true of my sister and my mother unfortunately, even if they didn't do the extent of what he did.  

My family was shattered by circumstances beyond our control.  But a destructive personality is just that.  I see it in myself even as i write this, trying in my heart to help, but at the same time unloading baggage.  My intent is not to say 'look at me.'  But i can appreciate it may look that way.  I have always been the clown.  The difference here, this is why i write these personal things, to show life can be a success even in the face events out of your control.  I have problems, but i will work them out eventually.

I loathed him, but i am at the same time i gave him every chance.  i am indifferent now.  I could even forgive him today.  But over the years it is very clear that he will continue to wreak havok in my life given any opportunity.  Even last year this is so.  I know if i said one word to him my life could be sent into a hellish state.  

He is nothing but a stranger now, i do not know him anymore.  Hopefully, for his sake, he is a fine upstanding citizen with sucess all his own.  But he metaphorically threw away his brother card.  I will not speak to him again if it is within my power.

I liken this to the fable of the scopion and the frog.  I'll never trust him again, so there is no reason to see him.  To harm me is in his nature.


Angry Bear: 6'4", green eyes, brown hair
Ashley: 5'6", 27, amber eyes, brown hair
Dashie: 5'4", 21, dark violet eyes, blue hair
Misha: 5'0", 20, blue eyes, magenta/pink hair
Our Journey
09-07-2018, 04:28 PM
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Ranger Offline
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#3
 
RE: How to cope with your host's family?

(09-07-2018, 05:04 PM)Miri Wrote: ...her brother doesn't even know I exist. Miri's already trying to fix their relationship, it's me the one who needs to fix these feelings. I can't show him anything because he doesn't know about my existence. I don't have any relationship with him, he's just someone who happens to be my host's brother, yes, I know him because I live in the same house but I don't consider Miri's family my family. 

I don't think I can give you the best advice for this... I have never been triggered by someone who my host didn't like, but I know another system who's Tulpa was protective of their host and retaliated. It ended up causing more stress for the system though...

There's no reason to beat yourself up for hating his guts, your feelings are your feelings. If you want to blow off some steam, I know there's at least one discord server with a vent channel or you could just post updates here.

I don't see any reason to intervene without asking Miri first. If someone were messing with Cat I didn't like... I can't even imagine what that would look like, but I would sure as hell would be pissed.

I'm Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I like Hippos! I also like forum games, word puzzles, and chatting about stuff.
I now stream!
(This post was last modified: 09-07-2018, 05:16 PM by Ranger.)
09-07-2018, 05:16 PM
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Luminesce Offline
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#4
 
RE: How to cope with your host's family?

If it's a problem with your host's brother, the advice all still applies whether or not you're the one applying it. If it's a problem with you (which I doubt), then you'd be the one that just needed to get over it, you know? But again, I doubt you've not got your reasons. You'll have to relay any possibly appropriate advice to your host to try and change their relationship.


If you just don't like him as a person (you gave very little detail), well, that sucks I guess.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.
Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.
My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.
(This post was last modified: 09-07-2018, 05:17 PM by Luminesce.)
09-07-2018, 05:16 PM
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Angry Bear Online
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#5
 
RE: How to cope with your host's family?

(09-07-2018, 05:04 PM)Miri Wrote: I'm sorry all of that happened to you but I think you misunderstood, I'm Akai not Miri, her brother doesn't even know I exist. Miri's already trying to fix their relationship, it's me the one who needs to fix these feelings. I can't show him anything because he doesn't know about my existence. I don't have any relationship with him, he's just someone who happens to be my host's brother, yes, I know him because I live in the same house but I don't consider Miri's family my family. 

Sometimes i am a little obtuse.  It is you Akai, Hence the 'red' txt.  Yes i thought it was Miri.  We have had very little interaction here, (you and i).  I care a lot about Miri, i consider her my friend. So i offer the same to you by proxy.


Based on what you wrote. Now i see a different perspective i can relate to.  If i am talkimg to you about you, and you are reaching out for help. Then i understand how difficult it must be for you.  Obviously you have exhausted your discussions with Miri to some degree.

...

The experiance i have with this is the grandmother i spoke about in the hidden portion of my previous post.  Misha really gets annoyed and defensive (so does Daisha but not as bad) when 'grandma' is combatative.  She didn't see our realtionship before i started meditation.  When grandma gets combatative i am not phased by it anymore, but i used to be livid.  I couldn't help my self from becoming annoyed in just seeing her, like you with Miri's brother.

Misha gets upset, she does not even like grandma, but as the host, i have to keep Misha calm and squelch and bad ferlings she has.  In my case i know she is a good person, Misha loses sight of that in the middle of grandma's rant.  (Like when Miri's brother is annoying).  Given you may never be able to directly effect Miri's relationship with her brother (only you would know that) you will need to start thinking just like i described before, see any little idiosyncrasies he may have from his side.  

She didn't create you to bring more stress and drama to her lofe, she loves you and you love her certainly, so support her.  This is a great thing you did here.  Vent it here and we will help you.  If only to listen to the vent and show support.

I support Misha when she is venting about grandma, i validate her opinion, i agree with her, then i ask her to understand that grandma means well in general.

If Miri's brother does anything for her, at all. Even if it is caring about her under the surface, you have to like him for that.  He is a jerk the rest of the time, well than your responce is justified and it shows you are trying to defend Miri, like any friend would.

She is very inportsnt to you, then your primary objective is to try to support her.

[MISHA] B talks me down.  When i'm mad i forget everything else and i say hurtful things.  I do this because i love him and no one should ever disrespect him.  He is kind to her, and she will fly off the handle any old time she pleases.  She yells at him red-faced and he plays it off and calms her down, but... but it causes him pain that i have to deal with.  I don't agree with him at all on this.  But dwelling on her or venting to him doesn't help him.  I like that you thought enough about Miri to vent here than to vent to her.  I think it's another way to help.  You can't keep it bottled up.  I think that's... i know that's what B does, and he keeps doing it.  He vents to us and on the forum and we take it because we care about him.  I don't know about any of you but i will always take it from him.  He thinks he needs others to validate... sorry, different topic.  Anyway, i don't like her.  I get on edge around her, but i hide it from him.  Sometimes i can't help myself.  I have the benefit of Ashley and Daisha to vent to as well.  Anyway, i hope it helps to hear it from me.
[/MISHA]

Angry Bear: 6'4", green eyes, brown hair
Ashley: 5'6", 27, amber eyes, brown hair
Dashie: 5'4", 21, dark violet eyes, blue hair
Misha: 5'0", 20, blue eyes, magenta/pink hair
Our Journey
09-07-2018, 06:08 PM
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