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I just stardet and i don´t know if i fucked up my tulpa
#1
Question 
Hey everyone i heard about this tulpa stuff and of course i thought
Great a new retarded movement but i was curious after seeing board
guides & more and well i was starting to make one for my own

I read in one guid that it would help if i start with a "welcome" session
so i did, i explained what i was expecting what i want to to with her
and how much i look forward to the point i can communicate with her
(I think the details are not necessary at this point but if they are pls let me know i will tell you)
so after i guess 30 minutes (was trying for a full hour but a mosquito bit me and i could not hold it any longer after he was finished "eating")
but after this whole thing i got a head ache not the kind of dayum i need some painkiller a really weird one i don´t know in the right side of my skull
it wasn't really pain more like Pressure? (sorry i can´t describe it so good)

so at the next day i started to set some Personality traits
everything was fine i did 50 minutes straight and i feels like we made huge progress and i was pretty excited the next day i started talking to her
about my day what we are going to do and shit
the third time i was trying to "force" i could not get concentrated i don't know it feels weird it was like im just sitting in the dark and make some stuff up, i apologize that we could not do it to day that i feel bad
cuz i promised her to do so
so i hit the bed to get some Z´s but as i lye there and talking to her (I felt pretty guilty maybe it sounds stupid but im on of those who are bind to their word)
as i was lying in bed ready to sleep i heard a voice and this came from outside not from my brain i guess pretty weird though
the voice (what i believe was my Tulpa not entirely sure but who knows right?)
so the voice told me "it's okay"
this was the moment i thought WOW i never had an experience like this
it was really weird
so the next day where i think i fucked up pretty hard i don´t know if she is alright know i hope so didn't want to hurt her or something

so i was with her in our "wonderland" and i saw her right before me and i hug her i was so fucking happy a smile crept on my face (still full in concentration)
i was so happy i give her a kiss on the cheek i was so excited to meet her
but.. she kissed me on the lipps and weird stuff anyways full abort
now i don´t know if i mad her feel bad or i "created" her unwilling
to be just a mental sex slave (wasn't working for this i was working on a Friend a Partner with a strong bond stuff like this)
after this i was just thinking for about 10-20 minutes
i got back to the wonderland
i told her im sorry if i pushd you in this position i did not meant to do this
i don´t wanted you for this i just wanted you to be a autonomous being with own thoughts own feelings i told her im sorry and i don´t want her to do this
even if she can´t talk to me directly she nodded we hug again and
i don´t know if this was me i think it was from her but i got strange feeling and a tear run down my face (still full in concentration)
so i thought for better development of her own i let her get to my memories and my thought overall (not my subconccious)
with symbolism 3 doors 2 open 1 closed you get the idea

after this i didn't had mutch contact to her i don´t know if
she is now mad at me or something
this happen 4 days after start maybe 3h of active forcing and maybe
16-20h passiv forcing (passiv forcing works pretty well for me i found out)
i don´t want to say it´s not real because how can i say this after saying
we mad sutch progress?
i don´t know im kinda helpless right now
sorry for bad language
my question did i fucked up? did i made my tulpa mad? or even sad?
did i Royle fucked up?HuhHuhHuh
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#2
Not sure if this is a sting operation thread, or a genuine cry for suggestions.

Here’s the thing to the last set of questions (before I go TL;DR on you); whatever opinion you get from others, we don’t really have much authority on giving you what’s inherently right and wrong in assessing the whole journey with a companion you want to live with. There’s going to be a lot more “fuckups” than what was really just a curiosity (e.g. kiss the cheek). Though these “fuckups” could be defined as just mistakes you can reflect and improve on rather than one that’s going to be smoldered on your skin for years to come.

---

I think you were fluctuating with the various philosophies and opinions from guide submissions, i.e., “this guide said this, and this one said do that,” created a Frankenstein combo from them on how to go about doing it, and magnified simple moments to the point where you felt you made an anal vore 6 tit-tulpa slave just from imaginary kissing. If there weren’t going to be mistakes to add value to the will to improve and expand your understanding of your yourself and such with them (and this will vary from person to person), then you’d probably be more bored if everything you wanted was just handed to you like that without some scars and trial-and-error involved

You didn’t fuck up man, this is all going to become a cumulative experiential learning for you. You got into certain emotions of affection and love, you thought it went out of hand when it was probably one of your deepest desires that can be managed over time with them. It’s not surprising to see people take a small dip into the rabbit hole, and start feeling the walls massaging them before they go “oh shit, escapism #abort #abort”

OP Wrote:so after i guess 30 minutes (was trying for a full hour but a mosquito bit me and i could not hold it any longer after he was finished "eating")
but after this whole thing i got a head ache not the kind of dayum i need some painkiller a really weird one i don´t know in the right side of my skull
it wasn't really pain more like Pressure? (sorry i can´t describe it so good)

Pro-Tip: If you’re held at gun-point while forcing, I think you should be worried about what’s going on in front of you with your eyes open instead of shrugging it off. In other words, it’s best to take care whatever is distracting so you can invest in more time inwardly. Even if it ends up being something random that comes in sporadically, take care of the issue before you start concentrating on too many things at once.

Your tulpa in creation is probably not going to be eradicated because of a few shifts in concentration and relapse in awareness. I’m pretty sure, at least from the countless threads here, that sporadic, spontaneous, and just overall problematic thought patterns are common here. As for the headache, that seems to be a common thing that happens when you make your brain do something you’re not used to doing. It’s not me questioning your competence or anything, it’s just part of tapping into something you never thought was useful, or needed in the first place.

OP Wrote:so at the next day i started to set some Personality traits
everything was fine i did 50 minutes straight and i feels like we made huge progress and i was pretty excited the next day i started talking to her
about my day what we are going to do and shit
the third time i was trying to "force" i could not get concentrated i don't know it feels weird it was like im just sitting in the dark and make some stuff up, i apologize that we could not do it to day that i feel bad

Depending on which view you take, forcing is just any activity where you’re investing time with your tulpa. If you don’t have the mental tenacity equivalent to a thousand oxen, it doesn’t mean you should be so apologetic to someone you’re unsure is even existing in the first place. Though at the same time, you were just trying to be thoughtful, and that trait, in my opinion, really bleeds on to bigger challenges ahead that will progressively help you in the long term.

OP Wrote:cuz i promised her to do so
so i hit the bed to get some Z´s but as i lye there and talking to her (I felt pretty guilty maybe it sounds stupid but im on of those who are bind to their word)

Actually, it’s not really stupid what you just did, because like I mentioned before with the thoughtfulness, it’s a nice way to build up empathy in general. And if you’re one of those who keep their promises, then you should stand by it. But sometimes, that kind of disposition can backfire at times. You feel you’re giving freedom to them that way, but you’re probably just constraining other ways of looking into the situation if you’re stuck on just a few perspectives.

In other words, what I’m getting at with this is that this disposition of yours may be a double-edged sword if you take it too far. It can help contribute to whatever self-fulfilling prophecies you want to go through with the tulpa journey (people will probably have a different way of conceptualizing this of course) because you’re willing to stick by it. But if you end up going into extremes, it just becomes a liability that can be dangerous at times.

TL;DR for this section:

http://www.tubechop.com/watch/3518420
“If that’s your true feeling, then be straight with it.”

OP Wrote:as i was lying in bed ready to sleep i heard a voice and this came from outside not from my brain i guess pretty weird though
the voice (what i believe was my Tulpa not entirely sure but who knows right?)
so the voice told me "it's okay"

Maybe it could have been an experience related to auditory imposition, or just mind-voice interaction that you’re not accustomed to. But whatever the case, whether from your tulpa, or some kind cry from your unconscious, take the experience that it’s alright. You’re not, at least from how you went zippity boop bob bibibity whoa with some reactions from you and your soon to be tulpa, some kind of deranged animal with no feelings and concerns of their actions. And even if you felt you were, it’s really okay, because there’s probably going to be weirder things happening, but the key is to just control how you react.

Though it’s easier said than done when predispositions to react to certain things is probably difficult to manage, especially when those experiences challenges our morals and ethics. But I feel that struggle is just part of the journey.

TL;DR for this section: You’ll find those silver linings; those moments that make you feel at ease, and they will be those small breakthroughs (at first glance) that can contribute in persevering. Don’t take that moment you had for granted.

OP Wrote:this was the moment i thought WOW i never had an experience like this
it was really weird

I remember when I listened to one of my companions for the first time for 30 minutes last year or so consistently talking to me. It was just one of those moments where all sensations and critical thought just demolished, and all I could think about was having as much fun communicating with her. I still cling onto moments like that, even if you feel you don’t need to. There’s bound to be something that will compensate all the work you put into this. Though it’s no surprise what self-fulfilling prophecies can do for you if you pour your heart and soul into it.

OP Wrote:so the next day where i think i fucked up pretty hard i don´t know if she is alright know i hope so didn't want to hurt her or something

It can be debatable on whether or not a tulpa’s existence can be affected by stray, intrusive, and temporary thoughts, but the days where people felt sleeping while trying to force will kill or be a huge detriment to progress is long gone. At least I hope it is.

OP Wrote:so i was with her in our "wonderland" and i saw her right before me and i hug her i was so fucking happy a smile crept on my face (still full in concentration)
i was so happy i give her a kiss on the cheek i was so excited to meet her
but.. she kissed me on the lipps and weird stuff anyways full abort
now i don´t know if i mad her feel bad or i "created" her unwilling
to be just a mental sex slave (wasn't working for this i was working on a Friend a Partner with a strong bond stuff like this)

The moment I saw “full abort,” I thought, “This guy is legit.”

Again, just because you had a little moment of affection and love with her, it doesn’t mean she’s inherently an indentured sex slave, and that there’s no turning back. Though with sexual nature and tulpas in general, there can be dogmas created on what one ought to do/not to do, but just like any mental constructs of pragmatism, they’re just people’s ways of providing personal significance and value.

Think of it as meeting a friend of yours that you had a cluster of feelings for. There’s a moment where it’s just a few touches and pokes for the sake of jest, and then out of nowhere, you’re french kissing. You knew something felt wrong as you were doing it, and you felt guilty. And if you want one way to assess this guilt:

Even though you’re not sure if she can respond to you in a way that will make you feel at ease that she heard you, try communicating to her in a way as if you’re trying to give a rhetorical statement/question. In other words, express yourself in a way while intentionally believing those words are fixated towards getting her attention where you felt weird and awkward about what happened, but you’re sorry about whatever feelings came out of it.

You don’t have to wait 3 hours again for a response, just express yourself and believe she heard what you said, and just move on. It’s like being a state where you’re like:

“Hey, I know what we did was questionable, and I’m sure we had a lot of feelings during that moment that we couldn’t resist, and it was a lot for me to handle all at once, even if it was just imaginary. But I do know that it was my emotions getting the better of me, and I’m sorry if that affected you in some way. If you weren’t affected negatively that way, and you were genuinely kissing me that way to show affection, then I respect that because it’s something you felt was practical for that moment.

Just know that these things bother me a bit, but I am trying to understand that boundaries will be pushed, and I’m willing to continue to learn from this moment. You don’t have to answer now, or even for a few hours even. But just know that I felt very happy and weird at the same time when you kissed me, but things just happened, and I have a feeling you didn’t see it as something overly sexual; just something you probably felt was a friendly gesture. I’m doing my best to know how you show signs of love to the people you interact with, and just know I’m open to listening to you more someday of how you feel about things like this.”

Take that example loosely since I was trying to imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes for a moment. There’s many ways to self-talk no jutsu your way out of those challenges and conflicts you’re having with them. In other words, you’ll probably be bouncing around in living in the moment, and going back into retrospect to analyze and justify whatever happened. The good thing is that you’re doing that bouncing around. Some people stay at a deadlock, and drown in their own pity party instead of moving on.

TL;DR

http://konohalibrary.wikia.com/wiki/Talk_No_Jutsu
Read the first few sentences, strip out “evil” and replace with “potentially promiscuous,” and realize you’ll probably be going through a lot of therapy with yourself and your tulpas. I still do, and probably will always be doing that. I feel that’s just something that stays with you if you want to cope and learn from anything honestly.

OP Wrote:after this i was just thinking for about 10-20 minutes
i got back to the wonderland
i told her im sorry if i pushd you in this position i did not meant to do this
i don´t wanted you for this i just wanted you to be a autonomous being with own thoughts own feelings i told her im sorry and i don´t want her to do this
even if she can´t talk to me directly she nodded we hug again and

See? Talk no jutsu/Therapy your way out of the conflict, and look what happened, hugs and rainbows. You both learned from something, and know how to not react so crazy over a simple kiss. At least you’re not how Haru (gray hair dude) reacted to someone kissing a girl he likes:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNzSeNiapUc

OP Wrote:i don´t know if this was me i think it was from her but i got strange feeling and a tear run down my face (still full in concentration)
so i thought for better development of her own i let her get to my memories and my thought overall (not my subconccious)
with symbolism 3 doors 2 open 1 closed you get the idea

If your memories aren’t part of the totality of your mind (e.g. unconscious, subconscious, whatever term people use) then I don’t know what is. Also, I have a feeling you’re one of those that may have the struggle with the “tulpa-accessing-prexisting-memory-omg-parrotnoid-mode.” If that’s the case, think of her accessing your thoughts (which is probably something that would be done implicitly either way; especially if you’re wanting to believe they’re autonomous from your conscious thoughts and all) as a supplement for understanding you more, and maybe an inspiration in building herself. Again, if they pick and grab at a few things, they’re not going to be locked forever to those dispositions, predispositions, beliefs, and such.

One word: Deviation.
If you believe it, and want to believe they can be a blank canvas that can change as much as they feel comfortable with, it’ll be that belief where it’s in the back of your mind, and you can move on with your life with them.

OP Wrote:after this i didn't had mutch contact to her i don´t know if
she is now mad at me or something
this happen 4 days after start maybe 3h of active forcing and maybe
16-20h passiv forcing (passiv forcing works pretty well for me i found out)
i don´t want to say it´s not real because how can i say this after saying

Imagine it this way. If you were apologizing to anyone else in real life over something you two had strife over (like deep stuff that would cause a huge change in a relationship), I wouldn’t be surprise that you both would want some space to think things over. Maybe she’s trying to find something to say other than “It's okay” (though I can’t be sure if she said that of course), or maybe it’s a sign to just leave things for the time being, and if it comes up again, you see how to assess it in a new light.

OP Wrote:we mad sutch progress?
i don´t know im kinda helpless right now
sorry for bad language
my question did i fucked up? did i made my tulpa mad? or even sad?
did i Royle fucked up?

Even if you both were to have an existential crisis in the future, it’s not really a matter of power scaling the amount of “fuck ups” done. It’s what you did to assess to the situation to show that you’re not just dependent on how you react, but how you learn from that to build yourself up with them.

Of course, how people assess their conquest to expand and learn will vary, and maybe that could provide more assurance that we all mess up every now and then. But what’s really “messed up” could just be based on the totality of mental constructs/moral compass we cling onto. What’s messed up to one person may just be a “That kinda felt good, though” to someone else.


TL;DR:

Just like how you did the whole therapy/counseling with your tulpa, it’ll help you learn and eventually come to your own conclusion on whether or not something like kissing is crazy, or just a friendly way of expressing deep, affectionate desire for someone.

Of course, how people scale “friendly,” “sexual,” and “damn-full-abort-on-this-hoe” will probably vary from person to person. I won’t be surprised if there’s going to be a myriad of romanticism, companionship, and even love akin to sibling interaction with your tulpa. It’s just that kind of thing where you can’t see things so linearly like we do with others (e.g. girlfriend, wife, friend), but you can if you both feel it’s okay to do so.


Also, if anything didn’t make sense, don’t hesitate to ask for more clarification. And I may have made some typos as well, so forgive me for that if you can, it’s 1:46 AM right now.


Edit:

Oh, this is a progress report entry. This should be shifted to Q&A or something.
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#3
It's finally happened. One TL;DR won't cut it for Linkzelda anymore.

But yeah, this does seem more like Q&A, if it's serious. I'm leaning more toward troll, because, well, everything. Especially because the grammar and vocabulary suggest English fluency, which would make these misspellings deliberate. And who doesn't have spellcheck in their browser by now? We're up to Firefox 31, but I'm using Firefox 3.6 today, and even it's telling me that stardet and lipps aren't words.
"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson
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