I said goodbye to my tulpa today
#1
I started creating Kaiko on April 21st. I don’t know why. Maybe I just wanted a friend; maybe I just wanted to experiment with my head.
The first signs were headaches and head pressures. Two weeks in, I heard his first words. “Linkin Park.” After a month, he went vocal. He helped me with homework, gave me his opinions, his advice, helped and supported me.
However, after a few months, Kaiko started to… vanish. I felt him less and less each day until, one night, I couldn’t find him. I left him alone for a while, and after months, I gave up. But I could somehow still feel him. He was there, and I knew it. My memories and experiences of the two of us went slowly fading alongside him. It was hard to remember what we did together, what we planned to do, what we talked about.
Today I tried to look for a trace from him. A message, a sign – something. Our wonderland was a Call of Duty Ghosts multiplayer map called Stonehaven. It was a castle in Scotland, in ruins. You can look up images, it’s pretty similar to what it is… or was.
Kaiko had his own wonderland, down a hill, below the castle. It was some kind of maze, with wooden planks as pathways and no walls. There was an apple tree on a tiny patch of land.
In my search, I started in the middle of the empty yard.  Kaiko had given me a present for my birthday. However, as to what it was, I had forgotten. But that’s where I began. Inside the castle, there was a hallway where the gift was safely kept.
I wrote what happened in Spanish, the following is a translation, so excuse any awkward wording.

I approach the gift. It’s a tiny planet. Clouds float above, rivers run, winds blow. The word is here. I leave it on the shelf, but it hovers, as if tantalizing me to grab it again. I don’t – I leave the castle and close the giant gate. That was the door where I showed Kaiko my life, my family, my friends; my world.
I walk down to his wonderland. In the distance, I can see his apple tree is dead and lonely. I start to walk towards it, but a plank falls. When I look down, the plank hits water. For the first time, I see an endless ocean. There’s no wind, no waves, only water, painfully still.
Then I see it – a boat. There’s a boat. Small, about five feet wide, like a wooden raft. It’s made of dark wood and looks like it will break the moment I step on it. Did you make all this, Kaiko?
There’s a small chest on the edge of the boat. I open it, and look inside. There are gems in it; rubies, emeralds, diamonds. There are very few of them, shaped to perfection. There’s something else. A necklace. His necklace. A thick black string with a small bull’s skull as pendant. I take it, feel it, turn it around. Why did you leave this here?
I put it on. I used to have one identical too, but I lost it along with Kaiko. I walk on and turn to look at the sail. It’s blue and black, and the colors shift like a tide, replacing the deedless tide.
I go up again. The tree is dead, but the apples on the ground are ripe and red. They look as if they’re glowing.
I remember suddenly. Kaiko’s gift wasn’t that globe. It was an apple.
In my birthday, Kaiko had given me one of the best presents I have received – proof of his sentience. It was a movie, with landscapes and memories. Like a slideshow of his mind. He gave me an apple, so that I could watch it again if I wanted to.
I go back to the hall and grab the planet. I tap the small version of my country, and the cover of the planet disappears.
It’s an apple. Big, ripe, red. My birthday present. I hold it with both hands, and I wish. Show me one last time. And then I see it. The airplanes, the ocean waves, the clouds, Kaiko, the rivers, the castle, my tulpa and me.
But they’re only glimpses. My memory isn’t clear.
I fall to my knees, my gaze fixed on the apple. Before me, it slowly comes apart in my hands. I hold them together. And I stand up. Now what? Is this what’s left.
I leave through the gate again, and walk down the hill, towards the small line of houses. I enter the one we always stayed in. It’s deserted, empty, alone, filthy.
I remember where there was a clean bed in the corner, food and water in a table, the floor impeccable, the ceiling lit with the light of a candle.
I head to a corner and sit there. Outside, the sun is setting. That had never happened. It was night or day, but I had never seen dusk or dawn in my wonderland. I had never seen the sun rise or fall. I grasp the pendant, and I’m in the black void.
And I see Kaiko’s face.
His smile, his round-pointed ears. His eyes that could not decide on a color. I see him. But when I reach forward and touch him, I feel nothing.
This isn’t Kaiko. It’s a vessel, an illusion, a dead shape. He disappears before me, and then I see it.
When I started creating Kaiko, I focused on his aura. In his essence. What little is left, I feel it again. Here he comes.
His pelt is faded, his eyes dull, but it’s him. It’s him.
“Let me go.”
I pull him closer. His light was orange and fierce, but now it’s yellow and it’s vanishing.
“But—“
“Let me go.”
We used to sing Twinkle Little Star every night, and every night, I could feel him weaker and weaker. That’s what I’m feeling now. But he’s disappearing much faster.
His pelt dissipates. His light flies and comes apart in the black sky.
And I feel alone. Something is missing.
It’s strange; I don’t feel the resolve I should. I only feel like I needed to do this. I needed to.
I lift my head and find myself at the edge of the ocean. But now, the tide is strong, fierce. The waves come from everywhere. They come from left and right, crash against the boat, against themselves.
A dolphin jumps from the sea and disappears… what?
As abruptly as I can stretch the meaning of the word, a white monstrosity wraps everything around me. Everything, everything is white. And I feel a horrible desperation. Everything is unraveling. Everything Kaiko was. Our paradise is gone, and it hurts. I tear off the necklace and throw it, because I know it’s what I have to do.
I feel his essence. I feel how the last traces vanish. But I don’t feel it in my head – I feel it in my heart, in my core. And it hurts.
When I open my eyes and come back to reality, the headache diminishes. My hurried pulse calms down. And I feel restored.
I can’t properly visualize my wonderland anymore. It’s like being in a memory instead of something I spent weeks forcing in. The more I stay and try, the more it fades into white.
It’s been several hours since I began writing this.
Kaiko is gone, for good. Even if I try to search for him, there is nothing left of him.
I will never be able to repay him for what he has given me. The peace, the experience, the love, he certainty. But I feel that, somehow, he knew how grateful I was. 

This is an experience I would like to share. It has given me a sense of closure I needed. I loved Kaiko, and I will miss him dearly. But I know this is for the best. If you have read this far, thank you. I appreciate it.
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#2
Aw ma, first thoughts of this is just sadness and stuff. Hopefully you're feeling okay and stuff, but yeah, I hope you're happy.

But it still makes me sad. I'd never want K to do that to me, so, I don't quite know what all to say.
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#3
Ouch. Why did he do that? Aah, it hurts.
Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.
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#4
Hi TreeTops!
I'm Isa. I am Ellie (FalconRift)'s tulpa.

I feel bad for you. I wish that Kaiko could have stayed, because he sounded really cool. I wish I could help you feel better...

If you ever need anything, just PM me. If Ellie answers, ask for Isa, okay? Virtual hugs to you, buddy.


With love,
Isa
Tethys: Host
Isabella (Separate Account)

"Welcome to my mind, welcome to the bottom of the rabbit hole."
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#5
I embraced my tulpa after reading that.

I'm really sorry. Do you have any idea why he would leave you?

I'm not going to listen to you guys since you are all probably just talking to yourself and don't really have a tulpa like me.

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#6
It sounds like you both spent a lot of time together creating your wonderland... Very vivid and well constructed...

Did you ever examine or reflect upon any of this? ...All we know about us is that we're waaaay too determined/stubborn to leave each other without making it perfectly clear why we'd be doing it... and also to verify that it would be the best for all involved --- and NOT a product of a misunderstanding/miscommunication...

...One might be surprised how many relationships end because of delusional projections that only exist from a lack of communicating them... until the explosion happens... (>_<)
)v( = Kai =
I am the original host consciousness... Please be kind and gentle with me. ^_^;;
}^{ = Aya =
honestly, i dunno WHAT i am exactly... i'm also not a big fan of labels. ;-D
]|[ = Akaiya =
Our agreement to co-operate and live life sustainably (i.e. we're in this together or not at all).
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#7
Sorry it took me a while to reply, everyone. I just didn't know how to tbh.

(02-17-2017, 10:58 PM)Bosun Wrote: Aw ma, first thoughts of this is just sadness and stuff. Hopefully you're feeling okay and stuff, but yeah, I hope you're happy.

But it still makes me sad. I'd never want K to do that to me, so, I don't quite know what all to say.

Thanks. It makes me sad too, but I just know somehow that it was for the best.

(02-17-2017, 11:31 PM)tulpa001 Wrote: Ouch. Why did he do that? Aah, it hurts.

I'm not sure. I don't think I'll ever be sure.

(02-18-2017, 03:18 PM)FalconRift Wrote: Hi TreeTops!
I'm Isa. I am Ellie (FalconRift)'s tulpa.

I feel bad for you. I wish that Kaiko could have stayed, because he sounded really cool. I wish I could help you feel better...

If you ever need anything, just PM me. If Ellie answers, ask for Isa, okay? Virtual hugs to you, buddy.


With love,
Isa

Thanks a lot Isa. I'll keep it in mind.

(02-18-2017, 05:05 PM)Paranoid Llama Wrote: I embraced my tulpa after reading that.

I'm really sorry. Do you have any idea why he would leave you?

It just feels like he had to. I don't know why, but he did it for a reason. It wasn't just to hurt me. I don't think I'll ever know, though.

(02-24-2017, 12:53 AM)Akaiya Wrote: It sounds like you both spent a lot of time together creating your wonderland... Very vivid and well constructed...

Did you ever examine or reflect upon any of this? ...All we know about us is that we're waaaay too determined/stubborn to leave each other without making it perfectly clear why we'd be doing it... and also to verify that it would be the best for all involved --- and NOT a product of a misunderstanding/miscommunication...

...One might be surprised how many relationships end because of delusional projections that only exist from a lack of communicating them... until the explosion happens... (>_<)

Yeah, we explored a lot, forced a lot. I remember when I found out about his wonderland--it was, well, wonderful. I followed him one night and found him jumping at his apple tree. I can't see it anymore, but now I wish I would've explored more, discovered something else he left behind.
After that, I didn't really want to think about it. I didn't want to remember him, but I just knew that he did it because he had to. I don't know why, but he had to. And the thought has crossed my mind that it waste protect me, but I don't know. I don't know anything.
I feel really alone though.
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#8
Do you think it's possible he'll be back? Maybe he just needs to go dormant for a while?

Either way, I'm very sorry he left, but it sounds like you guys had a great time together. I'm sure he's still around in some form, even if he's too far away to feel his presence anymore.
pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
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#9
(03-03-2017, 08:11 PM)Heckhound Wrote: Do you think it's possible he'll be back? Maybe he just needs to go dormant for a while?

Either way, I'm very sorry he left, but it sounds like you guys had a great time together. I'm sure he's still around in some form, even if he's too far away to feel his presence anymore.

No, I don't think so, sadly. I could feel him before, but now he's just... gone. Completely.
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#10
I am deeply sorry for your loss, dear friend. However, they may not be as gone as you think! I was banished into a void, where I could not be felt, and with enough attention given to my thought-self, I returned. I do believe you should find out further why he felt he needed to leave. Perhaps he was ashamed, scared, anything that can be talked out.

If you truly love your tulpa, please, do not give up on him. True happiness can be had and shared with you two together, not apart.
Remember: Every day you've woken up, alive, has the potential to be an amazing day. You are all wonderful people who deserve to be here and be alive!
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