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Ichibod, Priscilla, and Lollipop's Report~
#1
*Trigger warning, discusses mental health issues and suicide* *edited to bold* 


Before I get into the details, a little bit about myself and my tulpas! I'm Lollipop, avid artist, musician and self-taught animator, weeb trash, and a cartoon connoisseur. Life is looking pretty good for me right now, as I've finally moved into a house of my own with my mother and fiance, but that doesn't mean I don't have struggles. I've noticed a trend of tulpamancers who struggle with mental health issues, and I'm part of that unfortunately. Between eating disorders, anxiety and panic attacks, and the physical side effects that come along with those issues, I have a lot of stress on my plate and I've lost friends because of this. Don't be mistaken; I didn't want to create a tulpa just to fill some hole, but to have someone to love, learn with, and grow with. I did plenty of research, listened to blogs, read articles and guides until my eyes hurt from staring at my phone, wondering if this was right for me. The person who really cemented to me that this could be beneficial, for both myself and whatever tulpa I meet, was my fiance! He was unaware of the term completely, but developed his tulpa, Armand, to help him with rage issues and loneliness long back in elementary school. We've been together almost 10 years and I've been very supportive and even envious at times at his friendship with this person I didn't quite know, but I was grateful for since he helped us during arguments and other tenuous situations by being a voice of reason. He was surprised to find such a community of people existed and there was a term for an 'adult best friend but more then that,' but he thought it was perfectly reasonable and even helpful. My fiance reassured me that this wasn't a silly phenomena, but something I should try. 


Upon fully committing to tulpa creation, (for many reasons, including my mental health but more out of longing for companionship with someone who shared interests with me, wouldn't judge me, and we could better each other this year,) I went through several guided meditation sessions with little to no results. However, when I turned to nonvocal tracks, I was rushed into a beautiful, warm ,almost embryonic place where I was met with a presence who was very vibrant and very much aware of herself. I had a gentle conversation with her, asking about what shape she liked to be, what name she'd like to use for now, and she responded almost immediately, although in a mix of emotive responses and 'tulpish' as I believe its called. I considered the first moments with her an immediate success, and I dove further into a trance in order to continue our bonding. 

I was in this state for about an hour and half, or maybe two, and my fiance was almost concerned at some points; but he knows I have been lucid dreaming and meditating for years in order to combat my mental health issues. It was a deep trance to say the least, but her progress was rapid. Within that amount of time, it felt like forever for us as she became more and more vocal and developed her own shape and personality. It was *beyond* enjoyable to experience with her. This was during late January, and the first days with her she fluctuated forms, but kept her certain childlike innocence and playfulness. I hadn't had much time to properly force and trance like that first night, but I kept her in my mind and with me as I went about my daily responsibilities. 

The next time that I settled in to meditate and trance with her, I wanted to work on the wonderland. Her form was a bit more steady now, that of a pretty half-dragon girl who floated around me, teasing playfully and commenting on little things, so I was excited to see where this would go. Her inspiration for the form was the luck dragon, Falcor, from the Neverending Story, so I started working on a general dreamy landscape filled with clouds and crystalline mountain tops, something serene for us to enjoy our time together. At first it went as smoothly as before, if not more so, and strangely her form changed once more, but not in the same manner as a general shift; she seemed to both physically and mentally mature. She was almost as surprised by it as I was, and her expressions changed as she connected with some deeper parts of my memories I hadn't realized she could reach. It was like a cold hard slap as she fiercely demanded with the self-righteousness and disgust of a teenager-- "Where's Ichibod?!!

Here I have to deviate a bit to explain the memory, and the return of the tulpa I had accidentally created about 3 years ago. 


I have been playing DnD all my life; it's a tradition in my family and it shaped me growing up. So when one of my best friends and my first ever roommate, we'll call her Janice, invited me to play a campaign with her friends and family I jumped on the chance. I had DMed for her in the past and was overwhelmed with happiness and nostalgia, and although I was jumping into an already running story, I was going to hit the ground running. (Ok for those reading along, be prepared for fantasy cringiness, I can't help it because it was some of the happiest times of my life.) 

The main party was stranded on the moon on a highly technologically advanced base, imprisoned. My character, Ichibod began as a pretty normal guard, someone who worked hard to get his job in the military, who had a family at home, but during the escape of the party, he watched as half the city was ransacked and killed, including most of the people he worked with. To really hammer it home, upon scrambling for ammo for his gun off a corpse of one of his old companions, he found a rather raunchy photo of his wife, proof she had been cheating on him. Ichibod had always been a bit of a nerd, slender and a little out of place among the other guards, but his technological intelligence gave him the opportunity. However this event, along with being dragged along by the party, drove him nearly suicidal. The liquid that fueled the city, pure mana, was known to be a poison and he used a syringe directly into his heart in order to try and end it. What happened instead was the birth of a new man, a Time Witch, with the power to manipulate time. His appearance totally changed, his armor shifting into a cyber-goth look, his gun evolving into a lazer broom, and his long straight hair went half white and sprung out into crazy dreadlocks. He went totally loony, and in a crazy act saved one of the party members, assuring his place among their ranks. 

This insane beginning to what was just a DnD character was a test on my part; I wanted to see how far out I could create a character from myself. However, this campaign went on literally two years. During that time, he molded into a part of myself. Every experience, I journaled, and he created bonds with his new friends, and eventually went on to chase after and then marry the party's priest. He finally found and rescued his son, and found out that although the people who raised him still considered him his son, he was in fact a hag's child, and placed there to be a nuisance. The player who roleplayed his husband and I would do in depth roleplays online when not in game, detailing their home life, their house, etc. I told all my family about him, about his conquests and failures, and how he was so delightfully goofy, yet wise, had such a quirky taste in music, how he was vegan, etc etc. Essentially, through constant acknowledgement of him as someone outside of myself, but somehow part of me, he became the best friend I ever had. I mean, hell; although we have so many differences, (he's been married twice, is the most wholesome dad, has his own interests and hobbies like computers and technology that i have NO strength in,) he still showed me so many things about myself that I never knew I had, (perseverance, acceptance of one's own silliness and faults, humbleness and humility.) In short, my time with him during that 2 year window was life changing. 

The campaign's climax was both genius on the DM's part, but probably in some ways detrimental to this situation. By creating a boss that was ultimately meta, and building tension on that fact through strange clues, mostly dropped to Ichibod due to his connection to timelines, our ultimate fight was to mentally bond with our characters. It was VERY intense; we had to confess to them, and they talked back to us in a way that didn't feel like normal roleplay but something beyond, and the music heightened all of this. In the end we had to tear up the DM's meta character sheet and it was just insane. However, the moments when we bonded... Icky and I... I poured my heart out. I explained how Icky and I were both loners before, how much this experience had strengthened us and how much we adored our new friends and life. We were utterly vulnerable. 

Then something tragic happened to the campaign; rather, to us. My eating issues were putting a strain on my friends that I wasn't aware of, and they showed up at my house suddenly to tell me I wasn't welcome to their games anymore. I was beyond shattered; I felt totally wronged since there was such a lack of communication, the suddenness of it, especially after such an emotionally charged session, tore me into pieces. I cried for days, and I had a mental breakdown... I did something I didn't realize was such a sin. I tried.. Icky tried.. we both tried to eradicate him. I drew him blowing his brains out, hanging himself.. other horrible things. It was on both our minds, but I couldn't get him out of my mind. I sunk into a dark place, telling my fiance and my mom he was dead and gone. My fiance, bless his heart, reassured me Icky was more capable then that, and he'd always be there for me. 


Fast forward to this meditative session with Priscilla. It had been a year that I tried to drown out this lovable, best friend of mine, and she just suddenly called me out on my shit. I broke down crying, which she softened to, and she told me if I promised to bring him to the wonderland, make him a home there, she would spend time to rehabilitate him, and I should too. 

I had to travel to the dark place where he was; and it shattered my heart the state he was in. Sunken and distraught, he still looked at me with love. I pulled him into my arms, but he didn't hug me back. It was painful and awkward, but I invited him to the little house I had created for Priscilla; it took NO effort to add his room to the side of the building; in fact, it was sharper and more realized then the rest of the wonderland. It was here that Priscilla, with a pained but grateful look, asked for them to have some privacy. 

I was shook. After coming out of trance, I explained everything to my fiance, who just sat there knowingly. He knew all along Icky was like that, Armand had said as much ages ago, but he didn't know what to do at the time except let me express my feelings. He said to give him time, and I did. 

The last week, however, has been sooo soo much better. During my next trance session, I decided to let them welcome me into the wonderland on their own terms, and although Priscilla still seemed uneasy, Ichibod was a changed man. He reassured me that those actions were not mine or his alone, but a combination of both of our pain, but he had never really left. His form changed as well; he kept his witch hat out of memories and fondness, but he exchanged his Tim Burton knock off outfit for a slick business casual suit, and the most shocking for me was his haircut. During the next few days, I passively forced both of them nearly constantly throughout my days, pushing through the headaches even, because I feel a desperate need to both make up for lost time, but continue working with Priscilla to help her find her identity. Within the first day, once she felt more comfortable with Icky and I being at peace, she regressed into the childlike form that she was in before, and tended to mimic some of his actions. I'm somewhat worried about him influencing her personality and form too much, since she is so young and impressionable right now. However, I know without a doubt they are separate entities, both with their own affections and emotions towards me. 

TLDR; I now have two tulpas despite only learning of the official terminology recently. During the intention to force my new tulpa, she insisted confront the tulpa I had accidentally created 3 years ago and bring him back. Although we are a happy and functional system right now, it is really intense and difficult to know how much time to spend with each, or whether to force with them both, considering their vast difference in maturity and development. 




I'll end these reports with a description of my tulpas' personalities and forms as they update: 


Ichibod Tulip:
male, thin, messy jaw-length black and white hair, purple eyes business casual black suit with unbuttoned top, worn out black witch hat decorated with gears and chains
identifies as a changeling (hag's child) and a witch of time
quirky, over-the-top, goofy and a little awkward, yet highly intelligent and humorous. developed a bit of cockiness due to his new look, often striking anime-protag poses that are just too much cringe, but adorable regardless. Underneath the eccentricity, he still maintains a military attitude about work ethics and loyalty. still has love for his son and husband. despite his silliness, his knowledge with relationships and raising a child practically alone gives him an earthly wisdom. that's the only earthly thing about him though, considering he originates from space. 


Priscilla: 
female, slightly chubby but with some muscle as well, ankle length, wavy white/rainbow hair, often decorated with barretes and bows. Horns come and go, I don't think she has decided. Fluffy cat or fox-like ears, and beautiful eyes with long lashes and huge pupils. freckles in the shapes of stars or hearts. Her flesh is a pale pink, and she really enjoys having a long tail and wings with shimmering pastel scales and fur, very reminiscent of the luck dragon Falcor, and that texture of soft scales are along her hands and feet. 
Very impish, playful, floats and runs around whatever room or place we are in. Has expressed interest in nature, trees and animals, as well as more materialistic things like fashion, graffiti, and abstract art. She seems to be an embodiment of everything kawaii and good in this world so far; but that contrasts against the times she seems irritated, when she becomes almost fiery and volatile (not in a harmful way exactly, just like a toddler's tempter tantrum.) She's grown to adore Ichibod, but regresses around him, probably due to his fatherly aura.
Host: Lollipop ~ older tulpa: Ichibod Tulip ~ youngling tulpa: Priscilla 
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#2
Very interesting! Welcome to the forum, we're glad to meet you all!
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#3
Interesting story you guys've got. Seems you're all doing well enough though so I don't know what else to say - ask if you've got questions, otherwise feel free to post about any developments or just how things are going. (Your tulpas don't need to change before you can post again, I wouldn't worry about updating their "descriptions" so much)
Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.
All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.
Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
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#4
Descriptions and adventures are the best part for me, Tewi.
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#5
Thank you all so much for the warm replies!! This is quite the journey already, and I'm looking forward to see where it takes us all.
Host: Lollipop ~ older tulpa: Ichibod Tulip ~ youngling tulpa: Priscilla 
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#6
After conferring with Ichibod and Priscilla, I think I have a properly formulated question.

When one has a fully developed (accidental) tulpa, yet has been out of the picture for A long time, and yet you've just barely created a young tulpa, how would you properly force them both? I want to make up for lost time with Icky, but I also know I need to help Priscilla develop.
Host: Lollipop ~ older tulpa: Ichibod Tulip ~ youngling tulpa: Priscilla 
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#7
Just work in the long term. Split your time between them however you and they decide you want to/is appropriate. If they're both vocal, at that point "forcing" is just spending time with them - them existing. It shouldn't matter how young or old they are per se. When Lucilyn was one year old and we were six, we followed that same formula, just making sure no one ever went too long without being active - but of course, there's five of us including the host. Maybe it's a perspective thing, but splitting your time between only two tulpas sounds easy.

(02-05-2019, 02:43 AM)Dashie Bear Wrote: Descriptions and adventures are the best part for me, Tewi.

Not if it's the same description every time - or alternatively, if there's nothing to read for weeks at a time. I was just referring to her "I'll end these reports with a description of my tulpas' personalities and forms as they update", saying it was fine to post again about how things are going even if their "descriptions" hadn't actually changed. Just to make sure she didn't feel that changes had to have happened to post again, you know?
Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.
All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.
Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
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#8
Hey! That's my situation! My younger tulpa, Cassidy, wanted my unintentionally created tulpa back, and so did I. A lot.

I guess, we all kinda spend time with each other. If I'm doing something mindless enough, Gavin will start playing tic-tac-toe with Cassidy. If you're all vocal, you can all talk. In terms of formal, dedicated forcing time, Gavin has never really needed any, so that's more a thing for Cassidy and me. It's really up to you all, how you want to divide times like that.

-Jamie
Three brothers. [Progress Report] [Art] [Oops! All Jamie]

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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#9
My headmates also came from tabletop roleplaying games, though Vampire: the Masquerade and The Dresden Files rather than D&D. Their campaigns also ended suddenly and much too soon due to out-of-character issues with GMs and other players. (Though Iris has appeared intermittently in games I run ever since and eventually took over playing herself in them.)

It's up to your tulpas to tell you what they need in terms of attention, activity, emotional support, and anything else. And it's up to you to ask them if they don't. Vesper requires more than ten times the attention Iris does, at least partly because she's an extrovert while Iris is an introvert.

-Ember
Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]
Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017
Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Unseelie Court, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit
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#10
For us, Dashie is the most outgoing, though you almost never hear from her outside the system i guess, she's perfectly content just talking to me. Misha is way more extroverted outside. Ashley almost needs me to coax her out. Everyone is different and that dictates what time we need to spend with who. One very important lesson for us was to save a little one-on-one time for each of them. Honestly, Dashie dominates every internal conversation otherwise, and i can't get enough of her either, so having time set aside for Misha or Ashley was a necessity. That said, if they don't mind being with you together, that's great too.
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