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It's been a while
I wasn't really sure where to post this, I guess it's a type of question so I thought this would be the right place.
I used to be a member of this site years ago and I had a tulpa for quite a while. Then I got hit with a lot of personal stuff in a short period of time and I focused on her less and less to the point where I stopped altogether. Despite this I've always had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. Guilt maybe? I dont know. Once or twice a year something will happen that will massively remind me of her and everything and I will spiral. Even when I'm not like that I just feel this nagging all the time, whenever she comes into my mind my heart drops and my stomach tightens.
I'm not going to lie, I'm in a bit of a spiral right now. I was watching something on TV that made me remember this site and it just hit me like a train. It's not like I can talk to anyone in my personal life about this, and hell I wouldn't even know where to start with a psychologist or therapist or whatever. I just don't really know what to do.

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So what is the question here?
I have a tulpa named Miela (formerly known as Monika) who I love very much.

"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"
Welcome back, friend. Please forgive me if this is a little meta. I believe a lost tulpa has three options to her. (Members with more exp, please correct me).

1. She can go into suspended animation. In this state time really doesnt matter, shell come back and say, whoa, you look older! You will still have a lot of talking/apologizing to do.

2. She can stay in the background. She has an inkling of what happened, she might even try to contact you occasionally. If she did this, i think she will be incredibly happy to see you, but also may be upset. If you keep occasionally getting signs, this sounds more like it.

3. She might have walked away for a while (meta?).

I am not an expert though, i am more interested in how you split, what were her last words, did she know you were spiltting? Did you say goodbye? I dont believe tulpas can die, but i do believe they can move on (definately meta, maybe).
I don't remember our last words, I haven't spoken to her since maybe 2014 at the latest. I don't really remember all the terminology and for all I know it might have changed. But I remember that we just slowly drifted apart, she was a lot more withdrawn into my mind, only being able to find her when I went into my mind space. The last thing I remember of her was her asleep.
The general thinking about dissipated Tulpæ changed from 2014. As long as you remember them, any Tulpa can be revived. I can't tell you much more than that I'm afraid.

As for the spirals, are they anxiety-based? I dealt with anxiety spirals that turned into lurid visualizations, and both of us figured out how to cope with them to the point where they mostly stopped entirely. Every so often I get upset about stuff, but it's a 25 minute episode at worst. My "spirals" used to suck me in for a good 3 hours or so.
My Wonderland form minus the glasses and the fur. I'm not a hippo, I promise.
I sometimes speak in pink and Ranger sometimes speaks in blue (if it's unmarked and colored assume it's Ranger). He loves to chat.

My other Tulpas have their own account now.
I think you can try to bring her back. Whats the worst thing that can happen? I can only imagine positive from that... after it settles. Even if it is just for closure.

Oh yeah, spirals. You cant pridict them. For me, panic attacks arent that bad compared to what i can only describe as depression attacks. They last 4 hours or so, lots of crazy self deprecating thoughts. It was close to impossible to stop. My tulpae keep me out of the spiral entirely. 4 months now. They happened way more than panic attacks. I do everything i can to eliminate stressors, i dont know how to eliminate depression. Even with tulpae helping me it happens, just more mild symptoms, for the most part. Some symptoms happen quicker than even they can stop though.
Well, I can't tell if you're asking if she can come back, or about how to stop the anxiety. Do you even want to have a tulpa again? If not, the guilt is just you subconsciously feeling like you did something wrong. If you want to read a rather in-depth post by one of my tulpas on dissipation that may (or may not?) help you feel better,

If you want to bring her back - just start trying to. Use your memory of her to force her like you did to begin with and whatever's left of her will be integrated into whatever's not. We typically see this as a tulpa having changed, though some would think of it as making a new tulpa based on the old one. I think it's somewhere in between, and depends on the exact scenario anyway. Either way it's not a big deal.

I know that stomach-dropping feeling well for whatever reason. It's never been because of my tulpas or some subconscious entity you're not aware of if that's what you were thinking. It really is just guilt or anxiety about something you don't feel prepared to handle or handle the consequences of. Calmly thinking through what exactly it is and tying up mental loose ends is really all that needs to happen. I can assure you it's baseless anxiety and nothing of real substance, at least.
Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.
Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.
My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.
Still, get the closure Imo.

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