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Journal of an uncreative guy
#1
Hello, tulpas and tulpamancers!

I'd like to apologize in advance for the lack of emotion and boredom of my texts: I'm a really bad writer and not very creative (spent five minutes to come up with a title for the thread). Also, I'll try to refrain, but I unconsciously write long walls of text. This first post WILL be huge, but I hope to keep it to a minimum on the next ones. English is not my primary language so you'll have to cope with ocasional errors, sorry about that.

I'm Vulpes, 20, and like many I'm a guy who stumbled across a post about tulpas on the internet and immediately found it interesting. While I was suspecting of a hoax at first - it was too good to be true - I was also curious and started to research about it, eventually ending up on tulpa.info. I was always interested in the workings of the human brain and its potential. I found the concept of tulpas to be actually plausible to some extend, and after some reading and finding so many reports of success, I was willing to try making a tulpa myself, but some questions (mainly from some guides) set me back, questions like "can you handle having a tulpa for the rest of your life" and others that I'll address at the end of this post.

After some internal insight and some days thinking about whether to commit myself to it or not, I decided that I would be making a tulpa. I still have doubts, and while I do believe the concept to be real, I'm still a bit skeptical, not about tulpas in general, but if I can manage to create one myself. I'm easy to drop projects and leave things by half. I decided to take this thing seriously but I still don't know if I can make it.

That's why I decided to create this thread. I was never a guy to write about myself or even less start a blog. I'm not doing it to keep someone informed about my life (or hopefully, a tulpa's). I'm doing it more as a personal thing, a commitment that I can't drop easily. I do want to meet people, talk about tulpas and things, but this is mainly meant to be my way of staying motivated. I'll try to post daily about my progress, being less boring and more friendly. (Maybe a tulpa can help me with that, who knows!) I'll also ask a hell lot of questions here. (I considered using the Questions and Answers section but found out I should post my questions here. Please give me a hint if I'm wrong!)

Entry #0
I'll start by talking a bit about me, my motivations, my problems, and tulpas in general. I'm trying to write it "my tulpa" rather than "a tulpa", but this seems unusual to me. I don't feel like I "have" anyone yet. For now, until if I change my habits or if people get irritated, I'll just call it "a tulpa".

Like I said, I found about tulpas and began research about a week ago. I've read a bunch of guides, journals and stuff in general. After some thinking and lots of questioning, I decided to make one. I don't know exactly how many days ago, but I'm certain it was 2~4 days. I regret not counting it now, because I won't be able to tell the tulpa's birthday. I can't even guess, because my sleep cycle is all messed up. Sad

Anyways, my motivations to have a tulpa include curiosity, but also companionship, because all my friends seems to come and go, gradually becoming "just another friend" or too busy to keep in touch. I also have some problems that I'm hoping a tulpa would be willing to help me overcome, like my lack of motivation to end things, being overly introvert to the point of ruining friendships, spending all my day in a computer, and the list goes on...

I do know that some may say I'll be "just using a tulpa as a tool", but I sort of understand what a tulpa is like and I would never force anyone to help me, that's why I wrote "willing to help". If the tulpa wants to, then great, I would be very grateful! If not, then it's fine, it was the tulpa's choice.

Entry #1
Finally to what matters. I already said it, but I started creating a tulpa about 3 days ago. I have already decided on a name, but I want the tulpa to be the first to know it, so I won't post it here before sentience. It's a personal thing...

I have also decided on personality and an initial form! I like Spice and Wolf a lot. For those who are not familiar, it's a japanese light novel set on an european medieval age about Lawrence, a lonely traveler merchant and Horo (or Holo), a pagan goddess of harvest that happens to be a wolf but takes the form of a girl. It focus on the economics side of Lawrence's business and the somewhat romantic interaction and development between the two. It's a very good read, very comfortable, I highly recommend it. There's also an anime and manga if you're more in this type of thing. This girl in particular has an interesting personality, which I've adopted to my tulpa with some minor changes. Also, I love the drawing style of Jū, and took his illustrations of Horo as inspiration for the form of my tulpa. I've seen this stressed out in almost every guide, so I'll take the time to tell you this: I do NOT want to carbon-copy Horo into a tulpa just to make her real. What I mean is that I would prefer the tulpa not to deviate much, because I like the personality, design and style of Horo, but I won't care if it does. Also, the ears and tail are cute.

A bit more on what I've done so far: From the moment I began considering making a tulpa, I started creating a wonderland. I know I'm very bad at visualizing things on "the mind's eye" as you guys call it, and a wonderland could help me get into it (it did, just a little). Also, I think it was not like making a living thing, so creating a wonderland couldn't hurt if done wrong. It was a giant sack of problems. At first I was trying to view a vivid image on the back of my eyes, but there was only black. Then I found this amazing thread by Spice about how images pop into mind when you read the word slowly, like "cat", and that worked wonders, I finally understand the concept of the "mind's eye" just from reading "cat". After that, I could begin to work on some scenes, but they're all blurry, without detail, and a problem that I didn't find anyone posting about: my images are small, really small, like a screen inside a bunch of dark, like a thumbnail of what I really wanted to see. I'm trying to overcome this but it's really hard.

Another problem I found with my wonderland was some kind of deviation. My wonderland (as of right now) has a small wooden house that I struggled to create for my future tulpa (a man gotta dream). The problem is, while I was inside the house trying to put a wooden shelf, the wood would get mossy, even if I wanted and tried to make it clean, it would just get mossy again. Then I made the wall of the house of wood, it went perfect, but on the other day it was made of plain stone, and I couldn't change it, much like the mossy wood of the bookshelf (which was now "normal"). I became annoyed until I realized it was some kind of deviation, that I assumed only happened to tulpas. Well, I don't know if this is deviation, but still... Could be that my tulpa is actually a wooden house, who knows.

Then I began working on my tulpa, the part I was excited about. First I wrote down a list of personality traits thinking about Horo, then I've read this list a bunch of times, now thinking about the tulpa, and changed it a bit to my liking. I felt it was a bit shallow and started detailing some traits with short descriptions. I tried to memorize every trait and started to force. The first time was a mess. I introduced myself, talked a bit about what I would be trying to accomplish, then talked a bit about her and told her name. When I started talking about her personality, I had to stop forcing every time to look at the list because I kept forgetting things. I tried to describe, explain and show each trait to the tulpa, also imagining a small flame representing her, floating in the black void, and creating a new flame for every trait I finished describing, making the tulpa's flame absorb the trait's flame (this symbolism was very helpful for me). I called her name twice per sentence while describing because I was not sure she was "paying attention". I would often say something confusing and start apologizing mentally and correcting myself. I was feeling like an idiot. Really. The second and third forcings went a lot better, and I'm almost confident by now with her personality. On the third, I felt I was almost done, so I started to work on her form too. I plan to stop working on the personality gradually in the next days and begin to work on her form, and try to imagine her on the wonderland rather than in the black, which will be quite hard since I'm still very poor with visualization.

And that's it for everything that happened till now. I also passively forced some times when I was not very busy but it's not really worth mentioning. So far I'm enjoying the process, I just feel silly sometimes when forcing. I sincerely hope this turns out successful, now that I've started I barely can wait for her to become sentient. I can't wait to "meet" her.

Now I have some questions for those who would like to answer them. Some are questions that I had even before starting to create a tulpa, and that set me back in fear of creating one.

Questions
- I'm an introvert. As such, I hate useless idle talk. I do like to talk about interesting things, but after a while I just get so tired I can't stand it anymore. I'm worried that I might push the tulpa back or avoid talking to it due to being annoyed. So, how does introversion affects the relationship of a host and a tulpa, if all? What if the tulpa turns out an extrovert and wants to talk all the time?
- I'm very open to deviation, I understand if the tulpa does not like her form or just wants to try something new, but what if she turns into something I absolutely hate? I know I can't fight deviation and the tulpa may be mad if I bring this up, but even if it's unlikely that they'll turn into something you hate, what if they deviate into a demon, spider, or whatever you might absolutely hate? If you talk to your tulpa about it, will them understand? Will they be mad? Can you at least come to terms and agree to something that both of you would like? (Like a spider with cute wolfy ears and tail, or a wooden house, for example)
- When I'm trying to visualize something on the mind's eye, it seems the "image" is very small, like a thumbnail of what I want to see. Has anyone reported this? I've searched around but found nothing. Do you think this problem's going to go away with practice? Do anyone have any hint adressing this problem?
- I've read that tulpas can make other tulpas, and that they would coexist with you like another tulpa. (Well, can't pop brains out of nowhere, can we?) I have made it through lots of decisions to create this ONE tulpa, and while I may be tempted to create another one in the future, I absolutely have no intention and I'm not prepared to host two or more tulpas right now, so I wouldn't like my tulpa to create another one on its own. I know it's selfish and I really don't want to restrict a tulpa, but if I don't feel prepared to host another one, can we sit and talk about it? Will them understand your reasons?
- Now a more personal question: Does your tulpa have any negative personality traits, or would you make one with? Like being jealous, or greedy, or lazy, or whatever? One of the things I find most interesting about Horo's personality is that she has a bunch of positive traits, but also a bunch of negative traits, what makes she feel more real, more "human" and more interesting, very different from most personality-perfect characters from various tales out there, so I've included negative traits on my tulpa as well. I don't know if this is a bad practice, I hope not... Wouldn't a tulpa with only positive traits be a bit unrealistic and boring? Would they develop negative traits or deviate by themselves? It's just plain curiosity, don't take it serious. Smile

Thank you
If you managed to read everything till here, congratulations! I know my texts get really big, it's a bad habit... I promisse I'll try to write less in the next posts! I hope you enjoyed this as much as I'm enjoying creating a tulpa, and if not, give me hints if you want, so my texts get a bit better over time!
Thank you for your patience!
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#2
I'll try to be of some assistance here. ^.^

(03-04-2014, 08:09 AM)Vulpes Wrote: Questions
- I'm an introvert. As such, I hate useless idle talk. I do like to talk about interesting things, but after a while I just get so tired I can't stand it anymore. I'm worried that I might push the tulpa back or avoid talking to it due to being annoyed. So, how does introversion affects the relationship of a host and a tulpa, if all? What if the tulpa turns out an extrovert and wants to talk all the time?

A Tulpa is known to deviate and turn out to how your subconscious desires and to what it thinks is best for you. That said, if you make your Tulpa an introvert, it'll likely stay that way, though it may deviate. I'm an introvert myself, but Shira often pushes me out of my comfort zone and gets me to talk. Maybe your Tulpa will turn out to be an extrovert and help you to learn to be more extroverted and therefore more easily able to and happy to talk to others.


(03-04-2014, 08:09 AM)Vulpes Wrote: - I'm very open to deviation, I understand if the tulpa does not like her form or just wants to try something new, but what if she turns into something I absolutely hate? I know I can't fight deviation and the tulpa may be mad if I bring this up, but even if it's unlikely that they'll turn into something you hate, what if they deviate into a demon, spider, or whatever you might absolutely hate? If you talk to your tulpa about it, will them understand? Will they be mad? Can you at least come to terms and agree to something that both of you would like? (Like a spider with cute wolfy ears and tail, or a wooden house, for example)


As you said, it's pretty unlikely that your Tulpa will turn its form to something you hate, but even if it were to, it's just a form and a Tulpa shouldn't be judged on that. It's understandable, however, that you may find that form creepy, horrific, or anything along those lines. Shapeshifting is a possible solution. Giving your Tulpa a few different forms to switch between as they please is a good way for both of you to get what you desire. There is the possibility of, like you said, an agreement of a mixed kind of form. This is another way for both of you to get something you like.

As said above, if your Tulpa does come to be something you dislike, it's something you would have to learn to accept as it is unfair for them to be judged on an appearance. It is their body, not yours, so it is ultimately their decision.


(03-04-2014, 08:09 AM)Vulpes Wrote: - When I'm trying to visualize something on the mind's eye, it seems the "image" is very small, like a thumbnail of what I want to see. Has anyone reported this? I've searched around but found nothing. Do you think this problem's going to go away with practice? Do anyone have any hint adressing this problem?


Try to use all of your senses rather than just one. Example: You're visualizing a cat. Rather than just looking at the cat, run your fingers through its fur, feel the direction it runs in, how soft it feels on your fingertips. Feel its ribs and the fatty skin around its stomack. Run your hand down its tail and notice that it feels slightly wiry under the thick fur. Feel the sharpness of the claws, the roughness of the paw pads, and the smoothness of its nose and wiry ears. Then, listen to the sounds it makes, the pitch and vibrato of the quiet "meow" and the soft purring. Lift the cat with your wonderland body, feel how heavy it is. Lick its fur, notice how the strands of loose fur stick to your tongues and notice how it tastes. Sniff the cat, notice the scent of dirt and other things on its pelt, sniff around its mouth and notice the taste of tuna on its foul smelling breath. Lastly, look at the cat, how the fur runs through its body, how the light reflects off of gleaming eyes, the little indents in the paw pads and the way its elbow jut out as it sits down. Visualize it moving, sitting, and look at it from all angles.

These sorts of exercises should make visualization far more vivid, you may be seeing things as if they were far away because you don't truly feel as if you are there with the item being looked at. Don't just look at it, be with it, experience it.

(03-04-2014, 08:09 AM)Vulpes Wrote: - I've read that tulpas can make other tulpas, and that they would coexist with you like another tulpa. (Well, can't pop brains out of nowhere, can we?) I have made it through lots of decisions to create this ONE tulpa, and while I may be tempted to create another one in the future, I absolutely have no intention and I'm not prepared to host two or more tulpas right now, so I wouldn't like my tulpa to create another one on its own. I know it's selfish and I really don't want to restrict a tulpa, but if I don't feel prepared to host another one, can we sit and talk about it? Will them understand your reasons?

I feel the same way you do, in a sense. I'm content with only one Tulpa, no more for me, my mind is busy as it is. I wouldn't think that a Tulpa with a bond as strong as one between host and Tulpa usually is would spring something that big on you without your consent. A Tulpa likely wouldn't want to do something to upset you, so I can't see it making a new Tulpa if you really didn't want one. If you were to face this issue, I'd recommend just sitting down with your Tulpa and reasoning out why you do not want another new Tulpa, talk your problems away.

(03-04-2014, 08:09 AM)Vulpes Wrote: - Now a more personal question: Does your tulpa have any negative personality traits, or would you make one with? Like being jealous, or greedy, or lazy, or whatever? One of the things I find most interesting about Horo's personality is that she has a bunch of positive traits, but also a bunch of negative traits, what makes she feel more real, more "human" and more interesting, very different from most personality-perfect characters from various tales out there, so I've included negative traits on my tulpa as well. I don't know if this is a bad practice, I hope not... Wouldn't a tulpa with only positive traits be a bit unrealistic and boring? Would they develop negative traits or deviate by themselves? It's just plain curiosity, don't take it serious. Smile

I gave my Tulpa some personality trait suggestions such as anxious and whatnot, though I didn't directly force personality, and neither do a number of mancers. Many just like to allow their Tulpa to develop a personality on its own. Though, if you're set on developing a personality, I'd say to do what feels right. If you want your Tulpa to be jealous often, or scared a lot, or overly emotional, then do just that. I agree that a perfect Tulpa would be incredibly boring, and I'm not sure a Tulpa would like that all too well either, so it is likely that they'll deviate to having some not-so perfect traits.

Hope this was somewhat helpful, good luck with your Tulpa!
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#3
(03-04-2014, 09:22 PM)Gryphon Flight Wrote: I'll try to be of some assistance here. ^.^

Thank you very much! I really appreciate the answers. This is all new to me, I have so many questions, I'm really grateful for your attention.

About deviation, like I said, I'm really fine with it. I don't care if my tulpa wants to change into a human, animal, teapot or wooden house. What I was talking about is something more complex, something that would cause great discomfort to you, or even hurt you emotionally. The strongest example I can think of is: what if your tulpa decides to change into some deceased friend or family member? I would certainly not like the change. This could bring many potential issues to the relationship and I could end up being emotionally hurt. Who wouldn't? Of course, by what I've read I'm pretty sure this would never happen, but I'm being hypothetical here.

And going on with the questions, reading your post raised another one. What seems to be the consensus regarding the capitalization of the word "tulpa" here? I've seen many write it as "tulpa" and many write it as "Tulpa". I've been writting "tulpa" so far, since it's not a proper name (and we don't write "Human" or "Host", after all), but I know you all hold tulpas in high esteem here, so I'm sorry if I'm being disrespectful.

Anyway, here's the entry for today (yesterday, actually)

Entry #2
I forced again yesterday, now trying Gryphon's suggestion to try feeling with other senses. I somehow managed to do it, I can hear sounds and visualize things. And I could also touch and feel the texture of the grass and wall of the house, but it's hard to keep focused, the feeling quickly goes away. The only thing I couldn't really do was smell things. I don't really pay attention to smells on real life, so that may be a reason. The only smell that tingled my senses was petrichor, but it was so weak I barely could sense it. Guess that means... more practice!

After that I started focusing on my tulpa. I planned to do just a quick review through personality and begin with the form visualization, but that didn't quite happen. I started working on her personality and got very entertained with it. Instead of mixing balls of flame into my "tulpa's flame", I started to imagine my words as streams or lines going directly to the flame. I found that way more effective, since I couldn't focus well with so many flames on my head. At the end, I was very satisfied. Now I can basically summarize her entire personality in a few phrases.

Then I tried to work on her form, but the daylight was getting in my way, so I stopped. I'll try again before sleeping. And that pretty much sums all I've done till now! Smile
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#4
(03-05-2014, 11:04 PM)Vulpes Wrote: Thank you very much! I really appreciate the answers. This is all new to me, I have so many questions, I'm really grateful for your attention.

About deviation, like I said, I'm really fine with it. I don't care if my tulpa wants to change into a human, animal, teapot or wooden house. What I was talking about is something more complex, something that would cause great discomfort to you, or even hurt you emotionally. The strongest example I can think of is: what if your tulpa decides to change into some deceased friend or family member? I would certainly not like the change. This could bring many potential issues to the relationship and I could end up being emotionally hurt. Who wouldn't? Of course, by what I've read I'm pretty sure this would never happen, but I'm being hypothetical here.

I'll answer best I can, please keep in mind, however, I'm really not too experienced around here. I'll share what I know, however Smile

A Tulpa taking the form of something that hurts you emotionally would be highly unlikely. A bond between host and Tulpa is generally very strong, one of the strongest bonds that many experience. Why would someone so close to you ever want to hurt you or put you in an extremely uncomfortable position? Not only would they likely not want to hurt you, but having you be always scared or hurt by them wouldn't provide a very great life for them, either. Hypothetically, if this were to be the case and they took something that disturbed you, I'd reccommend talking it out and explaining why their form is very disheartening to you. Have some faith in your Tulpa, they care about you Smile

(03-05-2014, 11:04 PM)Vulpes Wrote: And going on with the questions, reading your post raised another one. What seems to be the consensus regarding the capitalization of the word "tulpa" here? I've seen many write it as "tulpa" and many write it as "Tulpa". I've been writting "tulpa" so far, since it's not a proper name (and we don't write "Human" or "Host", after all), but I know you all hold tulpas in high esteem here, so I'm sorry if I'm being disrespectful.

I actually am kind of unsure how to answer this. I would assume it's all just based on personal preference. I often capitalize the word, but that's a choice that I have little reasoning behind... It's just something that I've done since day one in case not doing so offended anyone as I was a little bit nervous coming to the site. Despite no one caring all that much whether or not the word was capitalized, I suppose that I just retained the habit.
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