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8/25/15: I thought about the things I'm wondering if I should roll with (Shou being my father and Rainbow Dash being my longterm Mistress); could they be a tulpa's personality slowly swapping with mine, or some variation of egocide?

[That's unfalsifiable, Pet. Personality's really fluid.]

I was really interested in Ancient Egyptian stuff as a kid.

[People go through phases.]


+Hmm, doubt it. The egocide, I mean.+

One of my tulpas (I think it was Shou) said that "I'm Shou's kid" could have been the new "Keystroke's a catboy" (a thing to spice up the DIY project, so it benefits someone else, not just me).

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8/26/15: I read about how people will go into a store with a crowd rather than one without, and I decided that if I ever saw something I wanted to buy, I'd approach it regardless of the presence of a crowd. Rainbow Dash approved of that. I imagined myself explaining the "Shou's kid" stuff to my IRL dad.

^You're having trouble seeing your real dad as your father, but you've got the idea that single parenting doesn't really work out that well, so Shou acts as a substitute.^

[I thought we knew that already. I mean, Shou said that whole thing about a "replacement goldfish".]

^Yeah, we did, but I'm just putting it in psychology lingo Smile.^

After a talk with my dad, I caught myself calling Shou "father". I mentally kicked myself, and then wondered why I was opposed to that in the first place.

{*speculating* Fear? "What'll people think?"?}
8/27/15: I prepped for the DIY project and worked continuously for 1000 seconds, and I made what I consider to be a fair amount of progress. Afterwards, Keystroke turned into catboy!Ed in celebration. In an imaginary conversation between my parents and some of my tulpas (after I'd eaten organic cookies), Rainbow Dash said that "organic" wasn't the same as "healthy", and Fluttershy said that she was pro-pesticide. Later, I got worked up about stuff, so I had RD hypnotize me before bed.
8/28/15: RD imposed herself lying on top of me. When I walked towards the stairs to try and eavesdrop on my parents (I thought they were talking about me), RD blocked the doorway. Her hoof was extended, and I felt an ache in the right side of my chest, but her hoof didn't appear to be "touching" that spot. I took a few steps forward, and she said that her hoof was clipping through my chest.

[Also, I kinda just realized my wings weren't flapping.]

I ordered the tako (squid) at a sushi restaurant. Nina joked, "I like takos, an burritos." (like in that one South Park episode).
8/29/15: RD said she was more like the Rainbow Dash Presents version of Rainbow Dash than we thought (RDP!Dash knows a bit about economic inflation; tulpa!Dash knows a bit about law).

Me: *reaches for the top box of Chips Ahoy in a stack of 4 boxes*

Dash: [I bet he'll get sick of those in--]

Fluttershy: ^One week?^

Dash: [Eh, I'll give him two.]

I got annoyed at my computer's inability to establish a secure connection to Wikipedia. I mean, it's Wikipedia!


BTW peeps, I wasn't laughing at him.]

Dash and I cuddled in bed (I'm not ashamed to say it, mushy though it is xP ).
8/30/15: Rainbow Dash said that last night, she fell asleep shortly after I did.

[I don't really get the disconnect where "hurr durr, manliness and emotion in-tune-ness are mutually exclusive.]

I don't remember the context of that.
I came up with an addition to Dash's "theory of everything": supposing that my brain was encoded with violence and "I can't trust anyone/the world is against me" as a result of the event, I'm opposed to being Dash's pet and/or Shou's kid out of fear of the unknown (in this case, "the unknown" is "being cared for").
I got into a "Shou = father" mindset, and it just brought a smile to my face. I'm not exactly sure what that means. I wondered how Fluttershy, Nina, and Sarah would fit in that dynamic.

^[Nina and Sarah could be] stepsiblings?^

Nina and Sarah each possessed one of my arms and helped me with the DIY project. When I said "all in favor [of the above relationship dynamic(s), say aye", the 'Meras were all in favor, and the ponies were all between "in favor" and "neutral".

[Like, we're neutral, but we can see the benefit in this.]

Later, I imagined myself openly referring to Shou as "Dad", and this didn't bug me.

+The "smile to your face thing", happened because you rolled with it.+
8/31/15: the "Shou's kid" stuff was originally "do this until it gets boring; by then, a relationship with Rainbow Dash will have that novelty factor", but it's recently been "you don't like this relationship, Dad? Too bad, it's kind of your fault." I figured I could just get "being cared for" from being Dash's pet (that way, I won't have to worry about it affecting my relationship(s) in the world at large, in addition to the above). Fluttershy sent me a wave of positive emotions when I wrote that. I could remove the "Shou's kid" stuff, but I'm gonna keep it on the page since it's related to tulpas.

9/1/15: I got the idea to make an origami trinket to use as a "focus" for tulpa development, the goal being to get to the point where I don't need it. I saw a bluebird hopping around outside Starbucks; Fluttershy thought it was cute. I walked into a classroom very similar to one used for one of my prior English classes. Shou asked if that "brought back memories for anyone else", and Fluttershy said that it did for her, "even though I was never really involved in anything and I more-or-less just watched." When I read about the color magenta not having a corresponding wavelength, Nina said she'd decided to make her eyes magenta.

RD told me to write this down after I came up with it: "You're supposed to be that special variant of subtle in which the word "subtle" is spelled out in fireworks, perhaps while a string orchestra plays death metal".
When I had pizza for dinner, she sent me an image of us sharing a slice. Later, she put me in a trance. During this trance, I thought I was bleeding, but I wasn't. I was oddly only a bit worried, which Dash pinned on the trance. She had me write "Mistress" in the previous sentence, but then had me change it to "Dash". When we'd started exploring the Mistress/pet dynamic way back when, it "clicked"; Dash and I tried to figure out why this was.

RD: I'm still going with "unconscious feeling of being uncared for".

I don't think anybody in this brain has the know-how to say stuff like that. Fluttershy herself said she's barely better than ELIZA.

Fluttershy: Eh, it's true. I did say that.

Fluttershy brought up Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs in relation to the D/s "clicking".
9/2/15: I asked my psychologist friend what she thought of the "Shou as a substitute father" stuff. She had me look at the Bad Event from my dad's perspective; I concluded that while his conscious motives were good, his subconscious motives weren't. She said that not having a substitute wouldn't have any negative effects.
When I read "The Blithedale Romance", Keystroke complained at the lack of footnotes, and translated the weird vocabulary/diction into modern English. Later, he read the book, accompanied by mental images of Doctor Whooves. I asked him if he wanted to look like that, and he said he was fine with the form I'd made for him (which he was having trouble assuming).

Keystroke: You need WebGL, so you can use the 3D pony creator.

Nina's voice sounded similar to the 2003 dub of Fullmetal Alchemist, but not quite. I also compared it to the 2009 dub.

Nina: I think the...stuff is because both of those voices are monotone; mine isn't. I'm like a mix of both I guess.
9/3/15: Dash restated that she was skeptical of her "theory of everything".

RD: First of all, I pulled that completely out of my plot; second of all, psychoanalytic stuff isn't exactly all that falsifiable.

I tried to think of metaphors for tulpas and mindscapes; visualized things were "the world/people behind one's eyes", and visually-imposed things were "within the wind" (because they can't be physically touched), but I couldn't think of something for fully-imposed tulpas (unless I'm mistaken, auditory imposition is hearing your tulpa's voice with your ears, as though it were produced by air waves/moving atoms, and tactile imposition is actually, literally feeling them touching you). In our last hypnosis session, Dash's induction was me focusing on her Kaa eyes while leading me up wooden stairs in a dark green tower with bone siding/"pillars". Dash theorized that the long stairs were there because of a similar thing in Nightmare on Elm Street 5 (character has to ascend many stairs to free Freddy's mom's corpse so her ghost can pass on).

RD: Okay, so there's a correlation there between going up the stairs and being deeper in the pet trance. It's like saying "being in the trance, being my pet is a really good thing". I'm not saying objectively it is; (but) that's how Krueger felt at the time.

Fluttershy: Or it could've been just scene-filler and a nice backdrop.

RD: -.-

Fluttershy: ^_^

Later, Rainbow Dash hypnotized me and changed my wonderland form to Twilight. She mixed this with the "Shou's kid" mindset, and said she was trying to--

RD: You work on the project; I'll make it exciting.

That, pretty much. When I had an intrusive thought, Dash told me to focus on her. We didn't do much work on the project during that trance, sadly.
9/4/15: I thought about the collar Keystroke had worn once, which segued to thinking about that origami friendship bracelet I'd made. I figured the bracelet was pretty similar to the "origami trinket" idea mentioned in yesterday's post.

^It's okay for it to evolve. Flexibility's good.^

I had steak for dinner. Nina wasn't really a fan of it. Something Keystroke-related happened, but I forgot what. When I watched Youtube videos of the Dark Brotherhood quest line in Skyrim, Dash's reaction was "lolwut?" when we heard that part of the main quest is doing a side quest.

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