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Kudos' Journey (or something)


whtwvphntm

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I can't remember when I began Kudos, it was maybe 2 years ago? We have had a bumpy ride so far. I feel like we are finally progressing though.

 

Recently, being 2 or 3 weeks ago, I started focusing on Kudos again. I feel so bad for all the times I have stopped and started with his development. This time seems different though, maybe because I'm a little older? It feels so much more natural to have him around, I have a clearer idea of what he looks like, yet he still has the same feel which I didn't really expect. I thought maybe he had gone for good and I was just starting again with someone similar but he is the same guy I first started with. He still has trouble getting his thoughts to me but I think that is my fault, I think I kind of block him out unintentionally. I do get some responses and thoughts from him, mostly raw thoughts and feelings, I guess that's just more practice that I need.

 

This time around I have focused myself more. I am focusing on including Kudos in all the things I do during the day, and talking to him as much as I can. The previous times around I was too focused on building a wonderland and forcing in it. I have found that it just makes me overwhelmed with too many things to think about or focus on. So instead of hanging in the wonderland I just imagine Kudos somewhere in the room with me or just let him observe from my head.

 

I don't trust myself enough to correctly translate something from Kudos, which is a bit silly I know, but I think he is just happy that I'm more committed this time. I feel like a terrible person having to say that.

 

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10 Feb

 

So I seem to be running into the same problem as last time. After Kudos seems to make a little progress all of a sudden he kind of disappears or fades a little, not sure how to explain it. When this happens I find it harder to talk to and concentrate on him, which then leads to me getting frustrated and doubty. I'm going to power through it though.

 

We have been using a technique for mindvoice that I read about in the tips and trick section where I saw a sentence in his mindvoice and he says it at the same time or finishes the second half of the sentence. It does seem to have improved his mindvoice each time and helped a voice 'stick'. I still have trouble listening to him though...

 

Just this morning I told Kudos all my worries about this stuff and about his presence kinda not being obvious to me anymore. He seems to be completely fine and understands. I just need to figure out out to listen to him better.

 

Another thing I was worried about is alexithymia. I seem to have it, but I'm really not sure how much it effects our communication. I mainly have issues with not being able to tell if I'm feeling an emotion so I maybe can't feel any of his emotions? But also maybe I will be able to..I don't really know. I think maybe I can feel his emotions but possibly don't notice them. I'll have to pay more attention I guess. Once Kudos is more vocal I will have a chat about it.

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18 Feb

 

I have been a real bad host and not talked to Kudos much since the last update. I have been busy moving house but really it shouldn't be difficult to passive force every now and then, such as commenting on the things I'm doing. I had one or two forcing sessions but other than I'm pretty much ignoring him. :(

 

I'll make it up to him, and talk every night before bed and comment on things during the day. It is a little hard because I'm still having trouble feeling his presence but that will sort itself out I guess. The times I have imagined him around me in the past week I feel like he was having a part in it. I'll try harder Kudos. We'll get there eventually.

Tulpa/s:

Kudos-Male-Human

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  • 6 months later...

I have not written an update in quite a while. I don't remember why, but I stopped forcing for a while. A few months ago I started thinking about tups again. I've been forcing more casually, but am also the most consistent of all other times.

 

In the past with Kudos I would progress well for a few days then he would sort of fade and id gradually stop thinking of him. It has been one of my major hurdles. When I read some really interesting posts about tups and how my own perceptions are what makes it all realI have found myself realise things and something kinda clicked for me. I have been talking to Kudos at least once a day since then. There has been a couple of those times where he fades but I tell myself to push through and keep going, and seems to be going well.

 

I stopped taking certain aspects so seriously and am just going with what happens. Kudos is growing and changing as a person and its really fun to see new aspects of him show.

 

The main times I talk with him are when I'm walking to and from home. I Also visualise him walking with me and that has helped me have more of a solid idea of his form. Its also quite fun. I found he likes the rain a lot, more than me. He is quite happy too. His personality is different in some ways that I didnt expect. He is cool and calm, but also much happier and more expressive than I would have thought. I am not very expressive myself or enthusiastic. Heh.

 

I'm having more fun, instead of worrying about everything.

 

(Typing this on phone, sorry for any errors)

Tulpa/s:

Kudos-Male-Human

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