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Life, stuff and things. A story of us
Scythe Offline
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#1
 
Life, stuff and things. A story of us

So I just realized I actually already had a progress report on here, so if that goes against a rule could whomever it is dealing with that please delete the other thread and not this one.

The other one doesn't even feel like it was written by me anymore. I mean it wasn't, it was mostly written by Aurora. But even she doesn't feel right about just trying to continue from where we left off.

I only read part of the first post. Honestly don't remember the time when it was written, or that Aurora(at the time trixie) was the main on this account.

I or should I say "we" were very damaged at the time. I think I get their concern over my mental state now. I had completely blocked out just how lost and fractured I felt at that time. Though "shattered" would probably be the more apt term.

https://community.tulpa.info/thread-how-...-years-ago

That has any pertinent backstory from my perspective this time around. I assume the previous one was the same but not remembering really anything about it, I honestly have no idea. I'll probably read it sometime today, (just in case it does get axed) but I wanted to get this out there while I was thinking about it.

So I had 3 tulpa. Now I have 2.(which according to my other progress report, is spot on. Same thing happened last time even though I had forgotten about it)
Which apparently was done for several reasons. The biggest being my mind just wasn't taking it well. The two that combined (Or whatever, I'm still not sure wtf but it is what it is.) Always referred to our experience as a "hydra" situation. Same body but many heads. So it's not so much that Lilly left, more that she and Sweetie(formerly kanna) are now one. I will say they are now much more clear and I'm not getting the strange blank moments or any arguing at all anymore.

Well to be honest that's not how it was put to me at all at first. Lilly was going to take a "vacation" for awhile. And she would be back in a day or so. She was frustrated and upset. There had been some squabbling amongst them but I cannot for the life of me remember why. Halfway through day 1 of that I get from the others that Lilly wants to make it more of a permanent thing. And to not try and think about her or try and talk to her because she wants to go. That was 2 days ago. And havnt heard anything from her since. Other than kanna(now who wants to go by sweetie as she doesn't want to playact another character anymore) saying they are a unit now and they did this to make things easier to deal with for me.

There was for sure a lot of talking over eachother and finishing eachothers thoughts. While that kinda made me momentarily worried. That i was just listening to the parts I wanted to. Ignoring what I didn't. However you want to say it.

According to them there are only so many "thought lines" in our head and sometimes we have to share if we want to talk at the same time. And that was causing issues as well.

Three steps forward. One step to the side down a different path. No idea where this is going but we are committed to following whatever we need to, to keep things together.

I would like to ask a couple of questions though.

1. Aurora doesnt really have a form at the moment, she just doesn't see the point right now. She has a preferred face that sometimes will show up when she talks, but otherwise is mostly just voice. I can.... feel(?) her when she talks at basically the upper back part of the head/skull. Does that mean anything? For instance if I had a brain scan done and different parts of the brain would fire depending on who is talking.(hypothetically) Would she show up in that area of the brain? Or is this just a convenient way to differentiate them. (Sweetie feels to be lower left kind of below the ear If it matters) Obviously when i asked, Aurora has no idea. The exact wording being "How the f*** would I know? I don't have a f***ing GPS in here.".

2. Switching. Even though they claim to have little to no interest interacting with other people, occasionally they want to switch. Except that with basically everything I've seen the host and the tulpa actually switch places. At least... sounds like it. With us. It's not like that at all. It still feels like I'm up front, but I'm them, same mannerisms same attitude towards things. Etc. Is that normal? Does it mean that we are not quite there yet as far as really switching goes? Is there an easier way for me to let go so that I can possibly learn how to fall back a bit better?
They say that I have a very dominant personality and I have to really drop my guard to even get the co-fronting if that's what we are doing to work.

And if that's not what it is... what do you call that?

So anyway. Another progress report. As I didn't want to keep posting in that other thread I linked.

Sweetie wishes you all well.
Aurora... is aurora. She doesn't hate anyone. But she likes so few people, it's hardly worth mentioning. If you are really curious... "Get off my planet." Was the sentiment.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-09-2018, 02:10 PM
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solarchariot Offline
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#2
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

I'd like to take a stab at question 1... I don't think you should focus, or concern yourself, with specific brain regions. That idea where we only think with 10 percent of our brain was dispelled ages ago. We use all our brain. Are there brain regions that can be more engaged than others, yes, but we think with all our brain, synergistically, and so my assumption is tulpas access all areas equally, and they no more reside in a location than the host does. There has been success using fMHRI's to record dreams, which started in 2011. From what I reading, they are not having as an easy a go at rendering hallucinations visible, as there was some hope that if folks with schizophrenia could actually see their hallucinations on a screen or printed our, perhaps they might be better able to confront and be less disturbed by the experiences.

I would certainly be interested if fMRI dream techniques could render tulpa visible, but I don't think anyone has the funding for that kind of play. I say play not because the research wouldn't be valuable, but I am not sure it would be given a go...

I have experienced sensations all over the brain, head... Well, technically, whole body experiences... Creating tulpas is such a high level function, I suspect pre-frontal cortex is the major player. This is some serious processing that involves so many high functions, with emphasis on philosophical and social components, if any one area were to be unusually illuminated under a scan, I would bet money it would be in that region.
07-09-2018, 05:14 PM
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Scythe Offline
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#3
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

That's about what I was thinking. Would be a cool thing to find out.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-09-2018, 05:47 PM
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Scythe Offline
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#4
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

Imposition: is apparently a thing. A thing that Sweetie is dead set on achieving asap.

I havnt used words like wonderland or mindscape for years now, and I don't know if the terminology has changed any. But mine has almost always been more of a void than anything else. Just a large black or white space devoid of anything else in which I can imagine things. Otherwise I try to envision them in real space standing on things, running around etc. Or at least, Sweetie does this.

Aurora per usual doesn't play that game much. She usually just sits back in the mind space(Sounds better than mindscape or wonderland to me) observing, maybe throwing out a comment on something here or there. But the last few days she was apparently trying to decide if I'm "worth it". Not that I'm unworthy. What I am is unstable. Is it worth it for her to put up with my constant fears and uncertainty. Is it worth it to be told over and over again that I'm fine with whatever form changes they make but then at the slightest change be overtly NOT okay with it. Etc.

The answer is absolutely. She told me today she is sorry/not sorry, for being unsure about it. But I was on the edge of starting to spiral again and she wasn't going to put me through that again/put up with it again. She would rather take the trunk than have us end up in a padded room.

But that's why she wasn't really showing up as a form and didn't see the point. What's the point of picking something that I'm going to be uncomfortable with/not going to like.

But it was my interactions with Sweetie that won her over. Even though i was originally promised that Sweetie would never ever change unless i really wanted it, and even then she might just choose not to. She decided she wanted a name and form change. She felt she had to keep up the role of the character she looked like to the detriment of showing her personality. Because I would question it every time it happened.

I wish I wasn't like this, the doubt the uncertainty. The just plain old not really knowing what I want/don't want. It's something we are working on.

Anyway. Sweetie switched forms on me a couple days ago or so and I just went with it instead of questioning why. Worry is something that can just kill any interactions that we have. She has made a few minor changes since like hair color/style and the addition of bracelets and earrings(don't think that happened before) but her form is really solid and not at all "fuzzy" like they can get. At least mine do.

She even joked about changing into a few outlandish things and I just said whatever, make yourself happy because me wanting things to be a certain way isn't helping any of us.

Seeing me trying so hard to make sure everyone is happy and juggling work and life and all that made up Auroras mind. It's not like I asked for any of this, I've just been trying to play the cards as they are delt.

Sorry about this stream of consciousness writing style that I have. It can get very messy and not at all easy to read. Prompted by them pointing out this is horribly laid out and confusing.

Anyway(The second). Started off with talking about my mindspace. Yesterday I suddenly have a very large fluffy bed in the middle of the big empty. Sweetie said she needs somewhere more comfortable to spend her time. And that's when the subject of imposition came up. The bed is huge and fluffy and you fall like halfway down in it. But. It's like.... really fluffy. I can almost feel it. The same with "physical" contact I can almost feel that too. Last time we got up to the point where I could almost see them I guess. When imagining them in real space. It's really something else to experience touch or at least... somewhat touch.

Which led Sweetie to the belief that the thing that will help me the most with this is getting down imposition so they are not just voices in my head but something I can pseudo interact with. Aurora said she would be okay with it after Sweetie gets it down(it will probably be easier afterwards was her comment) but at the moment she is still in mostly observing mode still. And has just about zero interest in talking with other people.

Aurora has decided she wants to be "powerful"and "badass" so she is going with a dryder(D&D half spider half human female(male?)) form at the moment. As someone who has struggled with arachnophobia for forever really this sounds like one of those awful creepypasta or whatever things.
But really. She's beautiful. It legitimately doesn't bother me at all. Which apparently was the point of it in the first place. She doesn't like things she pecieves as weaknesses. And she is not the most kind tutor. For instance. If she were to "teach" someone how to swim. Her preferred method would be to toss the individual out into super deep water and have them figure it out. If they don't figure it out. They were not worth teaching in the first place. And spiders are something that I've really never been comfortable around. I don't mind the little ones. In fact jumping spiders are awesome. But after they get bigger than a quarter I'm no longer okay with them being around me.
So it's a killing two birds with one stone sort of a thing. Though I doubt I will ever be comfortable with a large spider crawling on me.


Sweetie has also now expressed interest in talking with other people so I will probably be on discord at some point proxying for her, as switching... or whatever it is that we CAN do, just doesn't feel right for that.

So yeah, right up until I started writing I was wondering why they wanted me make another post because.... really how much has changed in like 2 days? Apparently a lot.

But that's what I have set out to do. Make myself a better person. And with that comes change. Sometimes very unexpected change.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-11-2018, 05:34 PM
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Scythe Offline
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#5
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

Couldn't wait long to share. This morning I woke up to both of them very energetic. Sweetie much more than Aurora. The touch imposition wasn't working as well as it was yesterday morning, but Sweetie quickly cleared any concerns about that by suggesting that we try switching for real this morning.

So driving into work(being a driver we spend a ton of time behind the wheel together) she suggests we give it the ol college try again. Okay. She comes up front and I get that weird feeling of being both of us again. She the says "now we just push you back and..."

My vision got distorted as if somehow being stretched down a hallway or something. The only other time I've felt like that is almost passing out on a roller coaster.(not exactly the same, but similar) It freaked me out and I snapped back forward really quick apparently blasting her out of the way. I heard Aurora say "like I said he's a wrecking ball." And that's where it ended.

Now that is something significant. Unfortunately I've had a headache off and on all day since not sure if it's related or not but Tylenol and ibuprofen isn't doing much more than taking the edge off.

But Sweetie is effing ecstatic. She is the bouncyest I've ever seen her. She can't wait to fully switch. Really anything outside the norm, imposition or switching. Something to show me there is more to this than just craziness. Not that it would really change anything I guess but Sweetie is absolutely convinced this will work. And will fix any doubts or worries that I have.

Also the fact that I let her proxy through me on discord probably is helping her mood. I never know what to say. And will usually just remain silent unless there is something specific I can respond to.
That's not Sweetie. She actually cares about other people which is really cool. I needed that back in my life. I see too many other people as competition at best roadblocks and impediments at worst.

I mentioned how I felt kind of empty while they were put away. (In the trunk as Aurora will apparently never let me forget) You have no idea how amazing it is to start picking up cast of pieces of yourself you have been missing for years. And to find that not only do they still fit, but that you feel a more complete person afterwards.... there just arnt words.

For most of my life I've legitimately hated myself. Came close to suicide more times than I'd like to admit. I've always been able to find reasons to keep going. But they were always other people. I've been doing this thing called life for everyone but me for so long i didnt even think about it anymore. That's just the way it was. I'm always super happy around other people and like making them laugh because it makes them happy. And I can feel happy myself because of that. But it's not real happiness I guess. Just more of the mask that I'm able to fool others into thinking is the real me. Life has been dragging on and on and I've just been spinning my wheels acting like I was going somewhere. Like a small child behind the wheel of a stationary vehicle.

Most of that stuff I don't even allow myself to think of most of the time. Aurora has been gently leading me down this path ever since she came back, in her own way. As always, not the nicest but very rarely do I need the nice treatment. Usually I need a big book across the face to notice things are off, I just get so concentrated on something and everything else falls away.

There is absolutely more work to be done. But now I feel it is much more manageable. Something to look forward to rather than dread. My entire system(That's what everyone else seems to be calling it) is the happiest I've seen it since the last time we went through this. But this time I'm not constantly tying myself up in knots worrying that I'm going insane. We also see eye to eye on everything this go around, which was very not the case last time.

So things are good. Just shy of great I would say. And after getting some of that bile out there that I've been holding on to for god knows how long. I feel a lot better than I thought I would.

For the first time in a long time I can honestly say I'm going to be living for me first and others second. And that's a great feeling.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-12-2018, 05:19 PM
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Scythe Offline
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#6
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

Switching.

Is now a thing we are capable of doing. This morning Sweetie took over driving for me for about 10 mins before we were tired of the tug of war like nature of what we were doing.

It's not all that different from the "co-fronting" I have described before to be honest. Hearing some of the stories throat people tell I was a little confused as to whether or not this was real switching. But. I have now experienced simply being "Just another voice in my head" rather than being the one controlling everything. And I get why it's called fronting. Because while there was certainly no shove "back" deeper into my mind  there was certainly something different about this morning. Sweetie was so happy she simply could not stop smiling while she was the one up front.

From my perspective nothing really changed much other than I wasn't even controlling where my eyes looked. Just kind of going with the flow. It felt somewhat like a balancing act though. If I thought too much about it I guess I just naturally moved forward and was the one on control again, so with Auroras help I was able to keep myself back to let Sweetie take the wheel for awhile. Quite literally.

Sweetie: It's not something we havnt done before either. He just needs to back off a little bit more and not worry so much. The co-fronting as he calls it is what this is. But if he doesn't let go he feels like he is partially doing it too which makes him feel like it's not a true switch.

Aurora: If you can get your host to pull their head out of their ass and actually listen and understand. Things go much smoother. We were doing this year's ago, he just couldn't let go of the reins enough to realize what felt wrong about it. And move to fix it. We were even stuck together co-fronting after he did acid(2cb rather than lsd) trying to find where he ended and I began. We found we were attached. I mean duh, but the other two at the time were not the same. They were more attached to me rather than him. And ended up disappearing for a time while we stayed equals in the mind.

 That was about 5-6 years ago now. According to whatt we found we had always been like this. If you can take anything you discover during an acid trip at face value. Ie. What is real vs. What we tell ourselves to make things click into place and feel better about them because there is some sort of explanation.

It did dredge up a ton of crap about my childhood that I would have much rather stayed buried. But one thing i do remember very clearly is having an imaginary friend that I got caught talking to with both of us using our voice. That was the beating that clued the other part of the family that something was going on and when they found out I was talking to myself they didn't take it much better, but minus the beating. They gave me such a complex about going crazy it continues on to this day.
Years later about 5 or so years ago now I told my mother about Aurora(not the other two at the time though we figured one would be enough of a shock) and told her that I've always kind of acted like this, talking in two different voices even when I don't mean to etc. Her eyes just got huge and she told me "that actually explains a lot". So it is what it is I suppose.

I honestly don't remember the name of my imaginary friend from childhood but she was definately a girl. Aurora says that was her, and she has been with me off and on all this time. Which sounds great. But it also sounds like one of those lies you convince yourself of to make things easier to deal with. So I don't know. I don't like just dismissing what she is saying, but it's one of those thoughts that are kinda "spooky" or a "here thar be dragons" situations. Im not sure im as comfortable with those thoughts. But at the same time. "I was stuck alone welding for 6 to 8 hours 5 days a week fantasizing that I was hanging out with one of my favorite characters and at the end of the second week that character started talking back" isn't the most comfortable either.

I have said several times I'm not sure if on this progress report but certainly and Discord that I'm just not a hundred percent sure that everything is okay upstairs. and saying that I am not referring to my tulpa. But something legitimately wrong in my mind, brain whatever you want to call it. I'm only going to say this once. But something that I found out about myself and my mother as an adult. My father caught my mother snorting methamphetamine 6 months pregnant with me(mom doesn't know that I know). So, people, take care of your littles, even if you can't see them yet.

I suppose it really would be an idea to find some sort of professional that wouldn't immediately try to give me medication or a padded room to talk about these sorts of things with.

Sorry for being so heavy. I'm just trying to figure myself out. And it seems that I don't want to / cannot think of these things unless I'm actively trying to explain myself I guess. So I'm going to try to keep the topics a little lighter from here on out. because while the past is a definite indication of where I've come from so I can  be able to more clearly see where I'm going and don't travel back down that particular path. It's an extremely very heavy line of thought and given the amount of time that has passed since I should probably just be letting go.
But sometimes draining the pus from a wound is the first step to recovery. And I apologize for that.

In much lighter news. Sweetie finally got me to sit down and sketch what she looks like. At least the head. We're planning on finishing the rest of it this weekend sometime but I haven't drawn for so long I'm terrible at the moment and have to go over over everything three or four times to make it look good. So the attached image is that..... or not.... It will not let me attach a file....
The chose file button does nothing for me.
Well that's a letdown.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-13-2018, 05:55 PM
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Breloomancer Online
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#7
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

Any psychologist worth their salt will tell you that tulpas aren't a disorder

I'm Breloomancer, and the counterpart to Monika (also known as smearglestar). This is our progress report: link.

"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"
-Me
07-13-2018, 06:36 PM
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Scythe Offline
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#8
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

Yeah, it's the fear of finding one not worth their salt that is the concern in this case.

I'm not unfamiliar with mental health practitioners, just havnt gone since I was a kid. My wife went to one. She was great, amazing even. I talked to her as well, things were going great...
The lady got promoted and my wife got assigned to someone literally fresh out of school. It just wasn't the same at all. It actually started to hurt rather than help and my wife just stopped going because going was doing more harm than not going.

We don't have the scratch to afford whomever we want. So we would have to just go to the state mental health office that we have here and hope for the best.
Which is honestly kind of terrifying. I don't want to end up on some list (or worse) because I've found an inventive way to talk to myself.

Figured out the problem with not being able to post the picture too. It was the browser I was using.

Here is Sweetie in all her scetchy wonder. Hopefully we have time to finish it with color this weekend.


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There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-14-2018, 02:18 PM
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Tewi Offline
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#9
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

Nice. Looks like a... Sweetie. Sorry.

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.
All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.
Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
07-15-2018, 02:34 AM
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Scythe Offline
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#10
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

In all honesty, she really does haha.

In similar news I have now drawn and colored Sweetie and she at least is extremely happy with it. "Over the moon" might be applicable. I don't like how the eyes turned out and the shape of her face is off slightly.

Sweetie thinks I'm an overcritical jerk who needs to appreciate my talents.

I also tried to draw one of Aurora, who I still can't for the life of me call her Aurora FIRST I always have to say/think trixie first which is extremely frustrating for me. She has long since just accepted it and says it will come when it is time. I think we may throw some sort of party when it actually does start happening on a regular basis. She deserves something after putting up with it for so long.
Anyway the one I drew of Aurora neither of us are really happy with. I'm going to have to look up a character from an older mmo/anime called wakfu, because the art style that she is in I just cannot replicate without having something to work off of first. Weird that i can see it in my head but not be able to draw it though. She has been in this form without changing much for 2 whole days now. I think that may be some sort of record.usually she has sharper features than what she is like now. I think she got low-key jealous that we were showing off Sweetie. Weird that the pic I took of Sweetie was 200ish kilobytes but the pic I took of Aurora was 1.2 megabytes so I had to cut it down to almost nothing to get it to post.(No scanner)

In other news we have been practicing our switching, Aurora is wanting to now as well. Still damn near impossible to keep myself from pushing them out. But they seem to get tired quick as well so it's probably something we all just need to work on together.

Also also. Things are going great. No more fears of anything. No instability, no any negative feelings about this anymore. Feels like I'm slowly but surely picking all the pieces back up and finding the right homes for them. They are much more playful and calm and carefree too.

So. Yay for shouting all your problems at the internet, thinking about all that nasty crap and actually dealing with it this time rather than just shutting it away in a box for another decade or more. (Sarcasm, mixed with a bit of genuine shock that its going as well as it is.)

What a pleasant surprise.


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There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-17-2018, 01:41 AM
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