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Maggie and Devin
vtk Offline
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#1
 
Maggie and Devin
Hi, everybody. I'm Maggie David (though that's usually just shortened to Maggie). Two weeks ago, as an experimental means to cope with depression and age dysphoria, I chose to invent and play a character, a past version of me visiting the present by inhabiting my body. When I was no longer playing the character, I found that parts of my mind were still performing processing tasks that had supported my performance. I embraced the possibility that I'd accidentally sparked a second consciousness in my mind.

A few days later, I did it again, and it came more naturally.

In the following days, I started learning about tulpae. Things started to make a bit of sense. In tulpamancy terms, I think in my initial experiments I was simultaneously puppeting and proxying. This second consciousness began demonstrating occasional independent thoughts, including participating in brainstorming possible names, and then choosing one (Devin).

But he's been rather quiet the last few days. He hasn't really said or done anything without me puppeting. Yesterday, I was panicking that he may have dissipated, which I'm guessing is dangerous as it could be a self-fulfilling concern. So I resolved not to give up on him. (He might have mumbled something about not giving up, too.) And I realized I have to keep up with what led him to exist in the first place. Since then I've realized that even when I think I'm puppeting, I'm tapping into some mental structure that doesn't seem to be a part of my usual mind. So I guess he's still there, and I need to keep working on making him stronger.

Devin is a human male, though you wouldn't be sure of his sex unless you see him naked. He's somewhere between 8 and 14 years old in appearance and attitude. He's about 4½ to 5 feet tall. His straight blonde hair is almost shoulder length. He likes wearing clothes that don't cover much, as long as it's at least as modest as a two-piece swimsuit. Pastel colors are preferred. Both "boys'" and "girls'" styles are possible.

Devin doesn't know what his gender is, doesn't care if people think he's a boy or a girl, and is fine with any pronouns. He doesn't seem interested in sex or romance at all.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
02-18-2018, 03:37 AM
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KarlYoshimura Offline
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#2
 
RE: Maggie and Devin
hi maggie david and devin welcome to the forums

my tulpa and i are very pleased to hear that you did not give up.

puppeting/parroting are regarded with some prejudicial ambivalence no matter which segment of the tulpa community you visit. however some hosts use puppeting to experiment with their tulpa's form and mechanics in their mind before said tulpa acquires a relative degree of autonomy and/or intuitive comprehension of their surroundings. i would suggest not being too worried or upset as most tulpas graduate from this phase.

as for the "mental structure" you refer to i would assume that creating sentient tulpas would involve the brain revamping its neural pathways to accommodate two interdependent subjects of consciousness over time. then again i am not a neurologist so do not place too much stock into this conjecture

We have pounded our hands in despair against the adobe walls, for our inheritance, our city, is lost and dead.
The shields of our warriors were its defense, but they could not save it.


02-18-2018, 10:51 AM
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#3
 
RE: Maggie and Devin
Sunday was not a good day for me. I wasn't sure if Devin was still around. Again. Even though I'd proxied (and perhaps parroted) him a couple times since the previous panic. I thought if I tried to parrot / proxy him again while hanging out with a friend, it would make him stronger, but I couldn't bring myself to do that if I couldn't even detect his presence. It caused my depression to spike. But another friend with some experience with this kind of thing (understatement alert) reassured me, saying sometimes headmates step away for a while, but that doesn't mean they're gone. Later, in the shower, I tried meditating and clearing my mind -- which I'm not very good at. But I did experience some odd sensations and intrusive imagery, which might have been evidence of Devin.

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment again. (Last Monday, I was at the dental clinic when Devin chose his name.) It turns out dental appointments are kind of a great time to try to meditate and disassociate, even if you're not good at it. I managed to observe some subtle stray "mind noise", like an upstairs neighbour moving furniture around or something.

After the appointment and before going to work again, I was hanging out with a friend again and decided to try meditation & mind clearing again, to see what happens. This time I saw Devin. He motioned for me to follow him, and led me to a playground setting, where we swung on the swingset and talked. Or, I talked, and did my best to be receptive to what he might say. Which was just a few mumbles here and there. Understanding him now is much more difficult than a week ago. Even being aware he's saying anything has become difficult. I asked him to promise to let me know he's there more often. I offered to proxy him so he could say hi to our friend (who was at the time writing in their journal). I told him I don't want to parrot him anymore without first having clear evidence of what he might want to say. I told him, whether or not he's ready to interact more directly with the outside world, I was willing to at least relay to our friend that he says hi. After failing to divine any significant answers to any if this (except I was fairly sure he'd like to say hi to our friend) I shifted my attention back to the outside world. I took a few seconds to look around, listening for any possible Devin reactions to my surroundings. After concluding he didn't come back with me, I relayed his salutations to our friend, and went about the rest of my evening, comforted by at least seeing Devin.

So now I have a theory. I think, for the first nine or ten days, there was some kind of "umbilical" link between us, which made communication much easier. This link was probably critical to the formation of his consciousness, but disengaged after Devin started having independent thoughts. I look forward to us developing proper communication skills in the future.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
02-20-2018, 02:49 PM
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#4
 
RE: Maggie and Devin
Devin is apparently not a nudist like I am. He politely imposed a dress code on me at his playground today.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
02-22-2018, 05:16 AM
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#5
 
RE: Maggie and Devin
Still rarely getting anything from Devin, but it's more than nothing. I was imagining him lounging near me, and I idly played with his feet (as I sometimes do with friends). He laughed as if his feet are ticklish, which I don't think I was expecting.

I've also been singing The Name Game a few times a day, and when I put Devin's name in the song he smiles. (I've also discovered it's probably best not to put my girlname in the song, but that has nothing to do with Devin.)

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
02-28-2018, 06:21 AM
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#6
 
RE: Maggie and Devin
We had a nice conversion today as I was driving home to Columbus from Portsmouth, Ohio. We practiced using his voice, and a bit of imposition; both skills need a lot more work.

I put into practice a few times a test I came up with, similar to the "surprise me" concept in one of the guides. I asked, "am I just parroting you?" and then began to imagine an affirmative answer. Devin wouldn't let me fully put that "yes" in his mouth, though. I told him he needs to get stronger, but I was satisfied his responses were for the most part really his and not mine.

We arrived at a tentative conclusion about Devin's gender. "Demiboy" seems to be an adequate description. Of course, this label shouldn't be a cage, and it need not be permanent.

There was also a fair amount of chat on less-noteworthy topics. I don't remember all of it, but it was pleasant, and I was happy to have interaction come easily again.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
03-03-2018, 09:10 AM
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#7
 
RE: Maggie and Devin
A conversion we had this evening

(At least I think it was me and Devin and not just me... ugh parrotnoia)

(Paraphrased because it was hours ago and at least half in tulpish)

Maggie: So, Devin, what do you think of living in a body that has boobs?
Devin: This body has boobs?
Maggie: (Directs attention at boobs)
Devin: Oh, I didn't really notice those, because the gut sticks out so much more.
Maggie: Ouch, harsh...

Devin can be so blunt with his observations. He's right, though. I look pregnant and I still get called sir.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
03-08-2018, 07:51 AM
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#8
 
RE: Maggie and Devin
This afternoon before work, I decided it's been a while since I visited Devin in our wonderland, so I set about correcting that. I got there, saw Devin in some casual summer clothing, and I made sure to visualize myself in clothes as well. I started trying to think of an activity we could enjoy together, and then I remembered getting an impression recently that Devin likes flying, and with that, he was leading me to a small airplane. At first it looked like a mechanical ride-on sheep I'd previously given him, but it took off and morphed into a proper aircraft, though the form of the craft remained vague. Devin piloted us through several wild maneuvers, and it was like riding a rollercoaster. I started to get a little dizzy.

So we landed, and then I invited Devin to the control room to try some possession again. He sat in the front seat, and I sat in the back. As I focused on trying not to assert control of my body, Devin flipped switches and levers that didn't seem to do anything. We tried using gloves that control my hands, but that didn't really do anything either. At one point, it seemed like a small joystick might be effective for directing my gaze, but with my eyes closed it was hard to tell. After sitting there in the control room for a while, my mind began to wander. Then I suddenly realized my thumb was moving! As I started paying attention to my thumb, I guess I started to take back control, but I think Devin and I had some sort of blended influence on its movement for a bit. I relaxed and let my mind wander again, and my body turned over in bed a couple times -- I'm not sure if that was me, Devin, or whatever automatic reflexes make me turn in my sleep.

After a while I opened my eyes again, and looked at the clock. 6pm. I'm not sure when I'd gone into the wonderland, but it had probably been before 5. Maybe I'd actually fallen asleep at some point? I never noticed being disconnected from any of my senses...

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
03-17-2018, 12:22 AM
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#9
 
RE: Maggie and Devin
Okay, so like, sometimes when I'm thinking about Devin, I hear him calling to me. So I'm like, "What is it, Devin?" And I listen, and don't hear anything else (vocalized or pure thought), and I start to wonder if it was even him I heard at all. It's frustrating.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
03-20-2018, 07:01 AM
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#10
 
RE: Maggie and Devin
Tonight it became clear to me that Devin can't watch TV with me, because he's not yet strong enough to be present and aware of our surroundings without constant attention from me, which I can't give if I'm watching TV.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
03-21-2018, 11:18 AM
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