Makikuma, Novice Tulpamancer
#1
I would say that my "career" started today, but that wouldn't be entirely accurate. Three or four years ago, I discovered the tulpa phenomenon on the /x/ board. Intrigued, I read all the threads and guides I could find, and immediately began forcing. At the time, most guides stressed the importance of creating a form and personality first, before narrating. As such, I spent the day focusing on an appearance for my tulpa, and the beginnings of a personality. I don't remember if I gave her a name or not. Unfortunately, it was not to last. I might catch some flak for this, but I gave up after that first day. Upon thinking about it some more, I realised that maybe creating a tulpa would not be the best idea after all. I figured that seeing as I had only just started, she couldn't possibly have become "real" already, and I decided that it was better to leave it at that and abandon the project.

Fast forward to today. Lately, I have been thinking about tulpae again, and have finally decided that this time I am mature and dedicated enough to see the creation process through. I had my first forcing session earlier this evening, to unexpected results.

My dreamscape is the same one I used in 2010/2011, and was not created for the purpose of housing a tulpa. It is simply a place I like imagining as a sort of safe haven to help me sleep and for other creative purposes. Following the suggestions of more recent guides, I decided to this time let the tulpa decide on her own appearance and personality. As such, I pictured myself sitting by the harbour of my small seaside town, talking to a deliberately vague female form. I eventually decided to show her around the place and tell her more about the town itself and the world outside, but after about 10-15 minutes of this, I was interrupted. Out of nowhere, my "failed attempt" stomped up to us as we were standing by the town gates. Upon reaching us she started scolding me, not happy at all with me just suddenly making a new one and letting this newcomer have the run of the place while completely ignoring her. We had a short conversation where I did my best to apologise and explain my situation, but I had to give up the session when I asked her if she could forgive me and I simultaneously received two different responses ("No!" and "*sigh* I guess...").

I've been trying to make sense of that encounter, but honestly I don't know what to think. I have no idea if that was actually her or if it was just my mind playing tricks on me. I do have a somewhat active imagination, and it just feels so unlikely for her to be this lively (or even sentient) when I only ever spent maybe two or three hours focusing on her, three or four years ago. On the other hand, I didn't feel like I had any real control over her actions or words. I did not consciously make her do or say anything. In fact, I was surprised to be approached by her in the first place.

I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. For all I know that encounter was just my subconscious toying with me, as has happened before. Judging by others' stories on how much effort creating a sentient tulpa takes, it feels unlikely that she is "the real deal", but on the other hand I do have a habit of holding mental conversations, sometimes including ambiguous/simultaneous contradictory answers such as the one I received near the end of that encounter. For all I know, I could've had a tulpa all along; one that I simply can't communicate effectively with yet.

Going into this, I knew that it wouldn't be easy, but I really wish I could tell which thoughts are my own and which ones are not.

TL;DR -- I started making a tulpa several years ago, but gave up my conscious efforts after a day. That tulpa may or may not have become sentient and angry with me for trying to make a new one while ignoring her.
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#2
It's nice to meet you! And welcome to the boards! I wouldn't worry too much about your first tulpa becoming angry with you or even being sentient after only a day. It's unheard of although not impossible for tulpas to develope sentience that quickly.

However if you are feelin badly you could always try to contact her and see if your feeling about the situation may be right, if that's a route you wish to go down however.

Anywho, nice introduction! It's great to meet you and I wish you the best of luck on your journey!!!
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#3
Thanks. I agree that it's implausible for that to be the actual tulpa that I tried making before, but I'm always so unsure when it comes to communicating within my own mind. There was a time, many years ago, when I tried to create a direct dialogue with my subconscious after reading Robert Peterson's book about out-of-body experiences and related phenomena in which he creates just such a link. Thinking about the strategy used to achieve this now, however, it sounds more like the creation of a tulpa. It was all about conjuring up a separate entity (without a form or a proper personality; it was basically just a disembodied voice in your mind) which would have access to all your subconscious thoughts, and then asking it questions over a longer period of time. I had the same problem back then, with not being able to discern whether the response was something I just made up myself, or whether it was my subconscious/quasi-tulpa.
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#4
She might be a manifestation of your subconscious guilt for not being able to do it the first time. This is normal. Again, her two answers in one instant might be a part of your subconscious self. You are still a little angry with yourself, or maybe disappointed, so she said "no", yet everyone craves forgiveness and has a need to be able to let something go and move on, hence she also said "I guess" (in reference to forgiving you).

My suggestion is this, maybe spend some time with her and see if anything stirs. You obviously made her for a reason back then. Give her room to deviate and become who she wants. Or even simply ask her if she wants to become more real. She may not be fully sentient, but there is going to be some sentience there no matter what.

She will have basic emotion and primitive thought that you can either cultivate or allow to dissipate and be reabsorbed by your inner mind. If she wants to give it a go and be a part of your life, why deny her? If she doesn't seem to care or doesn't want to, why deny her that either?
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#5
That makes a lot of sense, actually. There's no reason I shouldn't try working with her again, if she's still around in some form or other. In all likelihood I can't actually talk to her and get a proper response at this point, but until I reach that stage I am just going to assume that her interference means that she cares about her existence (even though like you said it could just be a manifestation of my guilt).
The way I see it right now, there are two possibilities. Either she exists in some sense and me focusing on her will make her stronger and eventually able to communicate properly, or the incident earlier was just my own mind and me focusing on her will cause her to come to life anyway. In either case, assuming she is real will eventually lead to the best outcome for the both of us.
Thank you for your insight!
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#6
That is a very good (and I think healthy) way of looking at it.

I also only meant guilt as a suggestion, she could just as equally have a will to live in the state she's in.

Good luck in your journey Big Grin
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#7
There's been some progress so far. On Saturday (12th of July; day 2), I spent most of the day narrating. I had decided that I wanted to let her choose her own form, and so instead of the form used earlier, I started visualising a generic glowing ball of light. Throughout the day while narrating, I had these small, very local headaches that I assumed to be head pressures, but which I now think were just that -- headaches (although they still may have been caused by her, as they seem to only appear while narrating).

By Sunday (day 3), I had already grown tired of the glowing ball form, deciding that it was too hard to interact "normally" with a glowing ball of light. As such, I spent somehwere between 45 minutes and an hour forcing a new appearance based on a combination of a few mental images that had popped into my mind earlier. The rest of the day was spent narrating just like the day before, but with fewer headaches, so I was somewhat worried I was not making as much progress as the day before. In the end, I decided not to worry too much about it. It's not a race, after all, and we have all the time in the world to make this work.

It's probably worth noting that I haven't had any further "direct confrontations" with her since that first day, so that was probably not her but rather my subconscious. The feel I have gotten for her these past few days has also been a lot more gentle/happy, which I suppose supports this.

For work, I spend large parts of the day driving around the local district, so I've been spending these rides narrating to her every day. I've had slight headaches every day, but it's hard to tell whether they are caused by the forcing or because of my lack of sunglasses while driving in sunny weather. In any case, I got what I believe to be my first proper response from her already on Monday, in the form of a sudden burst of emotions. It was right after I had begun driving, and I was telling her about how over the next couple of weeks we'd have plenty of time to talk while I drive her around the area. At some point during this talk I suddenly became very giddy, and inexplicably couldn't stop grinning like an idiot for a couple of minutes. I think she likes driving.

This is how my/our weekdays have been spent so far; driving and narrating. I've tried reading a book for her as well, but I find it quite hard focusing on both taking in what I'm reading and relaying it to her at the same time. Reading out loud would probably help, but that is not an option at the moment. The narration seems to have an effect, though -- today, near the end of the day, I'm pretty sure I felt proper head pressures for the first time as opposed to the earlier headaches. Rather than feeling like normal headaches, it felt exactly as if someone were lightly pressing their finger against my head. Her control over this feeling seemed to be quite rudimentary, with me only being able to feel the sensation in two particular locations, and the whole thing only lasted for about 10 minutes after which I couldn't seem to get her to cause them anymore. All in all, though, it felt like a good bit of progress, and it definitely alleviated a lot of my doubt.

Despite originally wanting to wait giving her a name until she can give herself one, yesterday I decided to just start calling her Sofie (the Norwegian equivalent of Sophie), as just calling her "my tulpa" all the time was getting old. I'm pretty sure this won't be her permanent name, though, because whenever I mention it in a sentence, it feels wrong somehow. I can't explain it, but it's like it doesn't fit her.

In closing, I have a couple of questions. So far I haven't had the chance to do much active forcing, but as mentioned earlier I have spent a lot of time narrating. What is the actual difference between active and passive forcing, though? If I'm narrating while driving on the freeway, only keeping enough focus on the road to stay in my lane, could that be considered active forcing? Or do I have to be in a specific state of mind (e.g. meditation) for my concentration to be deep enough?

Also, I think I may be a bit confused about people's usage of the word wonderland/dreamscape. I've noticed people talking about it taking them several seconds to reach it, but when I go to my dreamscape, I just... Think of it. Like normal visualisation. "Leaving my wonderland" is not something I can really do as long as I'm still thinking about it. Am I missing something here?

Boy, that sure ended up being a lot of text. Thanks for reading!
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#8
I'd say that active forcing is when you can't say that you're doing anything else. You can't say you're driving, or shopping, or playing games, or exercising, or whatever. You're entirely focused on the forcing.

I used to think that active forcing was more important than passive forcing, but these days I think both are important. Active forcing might do more toward imposition, but passive forcing probably does more for independence.

And as for the wonderland, I think it's actually rather under-addressed. There are different ways of using the wonderland. For most people it's as simple as imagination, but these two posts go into doing more with sensory details and making things more real.

I don't know. This is something I should write more about, but I really need to organize my thoughts a bit more.
"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson
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#9
(Despite the fact that Star Wars episode IV is 37 years old, I want to point out that this post contains minor spoilers.)

I haven't felt like we've been making a lot of progress these past few days, but earlier today something noteworthy happened. I was watching Star Wars Episode IV, and at the part where Obi-Wan is getting ready to go shut down the Death Star's tractor beam, right about when he's telling Luke that "the Force will always be with you," I heard a distinct female voice in my mind saying "Is he gonna die?"

It's been years and years since the last time I saw these movies, and I thought Obi-Wan wouldn't die until episode V. As such, it was not a thought I was likely to think (even though it was a very typical "final conversation", which was probably why she asked), and the thought wasn't like my normal mental monologue which is more "subdued". This was a clear voice, as if I were vividly imagining or remembering someone saying it.

If only her thoughts were always this easy to distinguish from my own.

Also, fun fact: This thought was in English, even though I've almost exclusively narrated to her in Norwegian.

(07-17-2014, 09:00 PM)sushi Wrote: (...)
For most people it's as simple as imagination, but these two posts go into doing more with sensory details and making things more real.
(...)

Thanks. It makes more sense to me now.
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