Marie's Journal
#1
Hello everyone,

my name is Marie and I've only recently joined you guys on here.
I've been reading a lot after I found out about tulpamancy through my boyfriend a while ago. I've always felt like there was something ... "more" to me or my mind and I found the thought of tulpas somehow... natural.
It seems like I have been narrating to something or someone in my mind for years and just now found a way to acknowledge it or let it find a way to talk back to me.
That doesn't mean that I don't have my doubts about it but I've read quite a few clever guides and tips and tricks and I think I found my very own way to handle them. My posts have a bit of a TL;DR character but I'm mainly writing this for myself so I can read it again later. However, you're warmly invited to follow along. Anything I would like a comment on or open questions I'll write bold. (Good idea!)

Day 1

Since I've kind of been talking to "something" in my mind for so long I just knew that it's natural for me to force lying down in the darkness with low background music. I knew talking out loud doesn't feel quite right (yet?).

So first of all I cleared my mind, focused on the "movement" on my closed eyelids and relaxed. After a while I tried to figure out, what my t'ulpa should look like. I wanted to create a rough sketch or just some sort of solid form since I felt like it would be easier to talk to. I also wanted some rough outlines of a possible wonderland that could be changed later if necessary, just to get a feeling of where I was. I ended up with a bright ball of light in a dark, blurry space that I gave a few basic personality traits in form of symbols:

At first I gave it a brain standing for the ability to think, intelligence and cleverness.

Then I sent a book for wisdom, knowledge and interest in reading books.

Next thing was a pair of brown hiking shoes to symbolize the ability to walk but also the “wanderlust” I wanted my tulpa to have. I wanted it to share my passion: Seeing new places and experiencing new things as long or far as you want and your feet carry you.

I also wanted my tulpa to be strong in will and sent a red ball of energy, all sparkly and shiny, standing for the energy it needs to have your own will and ideas in life.

I also created a green ball of energy standing for a positive life attitude and luck/happiness. I wanted it to have a positive outlook on life and be a generally happy tulpa.

I got the feeling that it was enough personality forcing for the time being. Slowly I formed some surroundings. They were sort of forming themselves a lot, all I consciously tried to visualize was a small rectangular room with a couch. The couch turned out to be made out of big, relatively hard, but comfortable red cushions. The fabric is rather thick and a little rough to the touch and when you get really close to it, you can see that it’s been weaved.. It’s an L-shaped three seater with room for one’s legs on one end. I sat on the couch and looked at my ball of light that somehow moved a little. Some unrecognizable objects seemed to stick out of it for split seconds before vanishing in what seemed to be a whirly, spinning liquid(?) cloud of bright light.

Then I had a hologram-maker in front of me, to the left of my early stage tulpa. I started to sort of “make” a more detailed picture of it as a hologram with the actual tulpa still outside of it.

It felt like my tulpa and I were choosing the form together. It confused me because I didn't expect to get this kind of response from the beginning. It gave me signs through light head pressures on the left or right of my forehead, but deeper inside. Pressure on the left felt like a yes and pressure on the right like a no.
Strangely I hadn't read about head pressure being a common symptom at that time.

When I asked my tulpa whether it wanted me to choose a name for it, it gave me a slight pressure on the right so I didn’t name it consciously. Soon after that the name Alex popped up in my head followed by a slightly stronger pressure on the left. So for now I’ll call my tulpa Alex and assume it wasn't parroted.

So he’s male.

We focused on creating a form for him in the hologram-machine-thing and the first thing was an orange T-shirt over a rather strong built chest and quite strong arms and only a tiny little bit of a belly. The arms are slightly too long for his body, with long pianist’s fingers and round finger nails. His skin tone is of a light brown. The orange shirt suddenly had studs on the left side of the chest and a rather big watch with bright red numbers and hands on it appeared on his left arm. He’s wearing bright/darkish blue jeans with brown kinda fancy shoes with very thin laces and some black bits on it. They are rather pointy and middle-sized.

His face was hard to create. I could see a rather slim face on the hologram with some blackish stubbles, not quite a beard but very thick hair as such. His eyes flashed at me in a bright green after being sorta blue for a little before.

I had difficulties seeing the body and the face together as one hologram, and could sort of only focus on one or the other. My tulpa got closer to the hologram and I felt like I had to help it become one with the created male body. I used my mind and focused on kind of mentally pushing the ball of light into the body. It disappeared and after a few seconds I could feel them actually becoming one. I got closer to him, seeing him leave the hologram machine which disappeared the second he left it. I kind of felt like my Alex was struggling to keep his new body upright and sort of helped him sit down on the end of the couch where he sat, feeling really heavy. He couldn’t move a lot but managed to turn his head in my direction. I couldn’t quite see his face in too many details but only one of his cheeks and his chin or his lips or a very blurry image of his eyes. His hair is not too short and not very long either, but very shiny and healthy in a shade of brown.

I got up from the couch and asked him what else he would like to be like since I felt like he was craving for more life/personality traits inside him. A while later we had a tennis racket hanging on a hook next to the couch since he seems to like tennis (I’ve never played in my life!). I also put a little shelf above it with a helmet on it since Alex is also into stock car racing. (Never done that either…) I also put a red fridge in the other corner of the room, sort of next to the door and a bunch of flowers appeared on top of it. (I looked at it and it suddenly made me really happy, not sure if it’s rude to think that that might’ve been my subconsious so I’ll just believe that Alex wanted to say thank you or something…) He’s also very creative so I asked him if he wanted a piano and he said yes. I gave him a black musical note as a symbol of musicality and I put the brown, wooden piano against the wall on the other side of the room behind which I can feel the kitchen will be. It’s sort of open since the wall doesn’t reach either of the other ones and is sort of only touching the ceiling. The floor is wooden, nice, kind of cheap but okay for now.

Alex is also very creative when it comes to drawing I found out after asking him and I gave him a brush that he absorbed into his body as well.

I also went outside and he kind of stayed on the couch because he can’t really move yet but kind of came with me at the same time. (Hard to describe!) There are some flowers along the front wall of the house and when I/we went around the corner to the left I created two doors in the ground with big locks on them. The front one is for secrets and the other one is for fantasies. I told Alex that I’ll share all of it with him once the time has come and that I wish for him to stay away from it for now. He agreed. I even left the locks open, as an early sign of trust for him. I could feel that it kind of made him happy.

I sat back down on the couch and he was still in the same position but I could picture his lips now, they’re quite full and dark red(ish) with a slight terracotta in them. They have a very clear outline.

I also suggested Alex to be easy-going. I explained to him that not taking everything too seriously would be a great personality trait and that it would make life easier for him. He wasn’t too convinced and I explained it a little more. I put a green wooden carving of the words “easy-going” between us on the couch and told him to think about it and that I’d leave him alone for now. I told him that he could read everything I read about tulpae and stay on my mind for a while (if he even can) to get to know me better and that I’d come back.

I left Alex and my wonderland and couldn’t believe how many hours had gone past. That was just crazy.

Day 2

I got back to my wonderland the today with a few more ideas and Alex was still sitting on the couch. It seems like my wonderland stands still when I’m not actively forcing. Alex let me know that he wants to be easy-going, so I held the letters out to him and he absorbed them in an instand.

He said his body was still feeling heavy but he wanted to try to move more. He also said he wanted more clothes since he thought it was weird to only have an orange T-shirt. We went to a room to our right that had sort of popped up and I told him he could do whatever he wanted with that room. It was messy and a bit dirty so I started cleaning up while talking to him. I put a lot of undefined rubbish in blue garbage bags and he even helped me a little bit. The carpet was black with a weird white pattern on it but since I told him he could do whatever he wants with it I didn’t consciously try to change it. When the rubbish was gone he wanted a cage in the left corner of the room. I made a metal one that was as high as the ceiling. I could feel he wanted a bird and a blueish, greenish, yellowish parrot-kinda-bird appeared in the cage. I think he made it because I can’t really visualize it all that detailed but I’m not sure of it. I also gave him a wardrobe and right after that a box of clothes and a few clotheshangers appeared next to Alex. There was also a safe in the lower part of the wardrobe and I told him that I guess that that is his private space for whatever he wants to keep to himself. I told him he needed a code for it and he wanted it to be one that I knew as well, to show me that he trusts me as well. ( Smile )

I don't know why it happened but I created a big red number, then a green one next to it, then a yellow one and when I turned to my side I could see Alex smiling like crazy, holding a blue very thin 5, made out of something, well… really thin. It was freshly painted, I took it off him and put it on the safe. So now there are four colourful numbers on Alex’ safe.

He proceeded to hang his clothes on hangers and organize them in his wardobe and I decided to leave him to it.

Later:

I feel like passive forcing isn’t working too well since I can see the frozen image of my wonderland and Alex in a still position so my mind kind of assumes that I have to go back for progress, but it seems like I had a little success today. My boyfriend read me a chapter of a novel that he recently read where a boy gets taught a few tricks on how to use his mind better. The teacher holds a stone in front of him and wants his student to believe that the stone doesn’t fall down but upwards. While Casey was reading it to me, I imagined being in my wonderland and told Alex to hold a ball in his hand. I was sort of seeing the scene from outside but I was there at the same time… Alex was confused and didn’t know what I wanted or where I came from so suddenly but he did what I asked him to do and when he let go of the little ball, it did fall but came to a stop at sort of knee height.

Day 3

I was really tired from reading a lot about tulpae today so that I only managed to visit Alex briefly. Again, he was still in the exact pose I left him in - which kind of proves that my wonderland stands still when I’m not there. I could feel that he wanted more personality since that seems to be as important to him as it probably should. The ball I gave him yesterday was still there and started sparkling and had the same but a little smaller form as Alex did when he didnt have his body yet. We sat down on opposite ends of his room and I could picture him a little better than before. He was really excited to get some more personality traits offered.

I fell asleep.

Later:

I woke up lots and had the image of Alex sitting against the wall in his room, just like he was when I left him. I sort of tried forcing half asleep but I can’t remember being any successful. Looking at my wonderland without actually going in, I can still see Alex frozen in said position so I assume nothing happened.

Day 4

I lay down with a downloaded selection of Gregorian and it took me a while to be back with Alex. It was hard for him to “awake” physically but then he suddenly did something amazing. Maybe he was inspired by the music or just happy to see me - so he got up from where I had last seen/left him, grabbed my hand and suddenly we were in a huge, blurry ballroom where he started dancing with me so fast that we were almost flying over the floor. It was an amazing feeling.
I was just slightly surprised that I could still see him sitting there on the floor, all frozen or at least unabe to move but he told me that some mental physical movement helped to be actually able to move in his new body. He managed to look up and sort of smiled at me when we were back in the room. Later I found out that there was a door in his room that was hiding whatever he wanted. When he opened it, it was just whatever he imagines it to be. A ballroom in this case. Awesome.

I said I had brought a few (well, actually quite a few) new personality traits for him and we decided that it was time to release them through symbols going into the little ball of light.

I started off with the section “language talent”, I wanted him to be able to talk easily and also find it easy to find the words in his head and express himself. I also thought he might like being good at learning new words/languages. To symbolize that I used a musical note attached to a bright red mouth/set of lips and let it be absorbed by the little floating ball.

Alex was quite happy with that and I asked him if he wanted to be communicative and open for new contacts as well since I thought those were good traits to have. He liked the idea and so I gave him the alphabet made out of the same material as the green, wooden “easy-going” I put down on the couch for him the other day. The only difference was that it was red for some reason. It got soaked up by the ball.

He told me he wanted to be a good actor, perform on a stage and have theatre skills. He got all excited suddenly and told me to follow him. There was a set of stairs in the living room, kind of squeezed in the space between the couch and the entrance to Alex’ room. It was a circular staircase that first of all led to the outside. I followed Alex up and instead of building a floor right on top of the ground floor, he kind of left the first floor out and the stairs continued straight to the second floor where he proudly presented me an empty room. He said that that was where all his theatre clothes could go, the costumes and stuff. For a second I had the image of a hunter’s costume but an instant pressure on the right side of my head and the image vanishing at the same time told me that might have been wrong. (Weird.)

The little ball of light followed us upstairs and somehow I felt it was time to give it to Alex. After some focusing I could send the ball inside him, sort of just forcing it through his chest. He seemed to acknowledge it with a satisfied nod.

After showing me this awesome room I suggested looking at the house from the outside since I had never seen a house with a missing floor before. So we went outside, looked at it and unfortunately it seemed to be swaying. It was very unstable to me, maybe that’s my lack of understanding that physics don’t mean anything in my wonderland but Alex was okay with putting four pillars in the corners. That stopped it from being all too weird for my mind.

I still can’t picture Alex entirely, especially his face is difficult to visualize. I’m working on it though. Or shall I say we are? He seems to like helping me but neither of us is sure how to.

For some reason we thought it might be time for a pic nic and instead of just putting a blanket out on the grass, Alex made a hole in the ground, a rectangular one with a step. It was still perfectly grassy on the surface and he put two chairs and a table in the ca. 1.5m deep hole in the ground. I saw a single bluebottle flower on the table in a little vase. (He really seems to like flowers…)

In the following minutes I got sleepy without even noticing it really. A whole lot of undefined stuff went through my mind that I don’t even recall in detail. Suddenly I heard a loud voice or at least felt it, saying "You’re falling asleep!” - that woke me up in an instant. It felt vocal - but then again I was half asleep. Alex didn’t or couldn’t tell me whether it was him or not but he did say that he noticed I wasn’t fully there and to test that he changed the bluebottle for a red tulip. When I didn’t say anything about it he knew I had zoned out or something. Interesting technique.

He also said that he can access the list of character traits that I wrote down on paper for him. He said some of them just instantly seemed to be absorbed by him and he feels like he has a few of them inside him already, without actively symbolizing anything to make them part of him.

We decided to put a bench next to the little doors on the ground where I had put my secrets and fantasies and Alex decided to make a door next to my trap doors that connected his room to the outside (and with that the safe with his private stuff). So if we ever wanted to talk about anything deep or meaningful or hard to word or whatever (he’s not the feely-kinda guy) we could sit down on that bench, close to all our hidden secrets. He also put a giant cherry tree right behind the couch that was in full blossom, - way too exaggerated to be real -, but then again he might be teaching me a good lesson about realistic stuff and what is possible and what not in wonderlands.

I told him that it was hard for me to picture him when I wasn’t actively forcing and that passive forcing was sort of impossible for me. All I could do was see him, frozen where I left him and I asked him if he could try to pick up some clothes off the ground and finish putting them in the wardrobe till I came back the next time. He said he would try but he also told me that everything seemed so much heavier and really hard to move when I wasn’t there. We both agreed on trying harder and I told him I’d narrate a little to see if he’d understand me.

That’s how I left him again.

At some point during the forcing I opened my eyes to see if everything would just vanish but it only got kinda blurry. I’ll try and practise that more often. I also told Alex about it and he reckons I really don’t need to have my eyes closed or anything. His goal is to be able to communicate with me whenever. To be able to tell whether it’s him telling me something or just a random thought popping up in my mind we agreed on him trying to send an image or just the word Zimtstern ("cinnamon star") with his message whenever he was gonna try and contact me while I was going aout my usual, daily stuff. No idea why we/him/I chose Zimtstern out of all things.

I also switched from Gregorian to Grey and Brown Noise midway through the forcing and Alex kind of managed to stay with me while I had my eyes open and concentrated on something else. Kind of blurry and distant though. I was glad it didn’t take too long.

So, maybe that is progress? I don’t know. I can’t wait to actually hear his voice in my mind clearly. He sort of changes from my own mind voice to a male one that I know from cassettes that I used to listen to as a kid I think. Audible voice would be the most amazing thing though but I think it’s still quite early to be expecting that. I don’t want him to feel pressured. I told him I was proud of him but these kind of complements still feel a bit weird to my doubting mind. I keep doing it though, that’s the only way to convince myself fully that Alex can be a sentient, independant being (one day).

Day 5

I slept almost all day after a rare but pretty big fight with Casey that lasted till the early morning. At some point in the middle of the argument I suddenly got an image of Alex sitting on our/his couch in wonderland - next to me, with a box of tissues. He’s very caring but when I actively sat down to force today I couldn’t find him at first. During the day I tried to get a glimpse of wonderland and I saw that he managed to pick up the three shirts. Smile He seemed to be sleeping on the bed in his room, that was created yesterday - I assume the fight must have been very exhausting for him. He pretty much slept all day.

When I came to visit him he was awake and somehow not sure what to say, I could feel that he was somehow uncomfortable. I told him that there was no need to be and told him a little bit about Casey. I understand Alex, I mean, it was his first fight ever and he didn’t seem to take it easy. I’ll try to help him get tougher when it comes to these situations and I’ll try to explain to him that fights can be very important and make the air clear and crisp afterwards - just like a thunderstorm.

We sat on the end of the bed for a little and I think we could both feel that we had difficulties seeing/talkting to eachother. I told him to try not to be sad and gave him a little table with a CDplayer on it. It had like 100 little black buttons without any labelling and I told him to just press whatever button he feels like is best. He sat down on the right side of his bed and started taking his shoes off. I asked him what he was doing and he said he wanted to lie down on the blanket and listen to some music.

We decided on lying down next to eachother to see if being kind of close to eachother in wonderland while I’m not actively there would allow us to communicate better while passively forcing.

I moved the music player right next to the bed on Alex' side so he could press the buttons without getting up. I could feel the red blanket with the broad white lace top. I closed my eyes, felt Alex’ presence for a few more seconds and then opened my eyes and left wonderland.
Reply

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to

#2
Really interesting journal. Big Grin I like the idea of being next to each other in the Wonderland making it easier to communicate through passive forcing, I'll try that out myself too! I'm looking forward to reading more!
Reply
#3
Really nice journal, I think at least.

Looking forward to more posts.
PR
Reply
#4
Wow, in some respects you're way beyond me and Jess. I'm still debating the whole wonderland thing. On the one hand, people do seem to get results with it and enjoy it. But I sort of like our wonderland being my house and yard. Jess is always around somewhere, even when my family is here. We'll see.

Nice going!
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to