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Me and T'Vani
Desmond Offline
ClianthaMiura's tulpa
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#51
 
RE: Me and T'Vani
I did write a kind of a rant about it on the forum, but it's so dead that some of the members active outside of it only visit maybe once a month, or even less. Nobody ever writes anything so I wouldn't know. They kinda just check what new people and my host write there, being pretty much the only activity that site gets nowadays... So I figured they'd find it eventually so I wouldn't have to bring it up in real-time chat. Less face-to-face I guess. So far the only person I know that saw it is the admin, because she mentioned it in a conversation with my host and two others.

The thought of bringing anything "serious" like this up in the regular chat that we have is just overwhelmingly uncomfortable to me, I don't even know if it's fear or just some other kind of uneasiness whatsoever. I mean I recognize that it's been pretty much just downhill since last spring or around then anyway, and I know that I probably should talk about it or at least mention that I'm not doing so hot to them but I really, really don't want to. I already whine a lot but most of the time it's not serious, it almost never is. I complain when there's nothing wrong and they know I'm just fucking around for fun. I don't want to complain about things that are actually wrong. I can't really explain why it doesn't feel right but it really just doesn't.

Sending private messages is something host and I are both really uncomfortable with. She's had the problem since forever and I've just kinda inherited some of it I guess. No matter how many times she's been told otherwise she's not convinced that she's not just being a bother if she sends something to a single person. I have different reasons for being uncomfortable with it, but it's along the same lines. In a way. It's not that I don't want to talk, at least 90% of the time it's safe to assume that I do. It just seems that I'm not good at it at all anymore. I used to be better but that was before all this shit.

This thread is a sort of a "safe place" for me to be visible, I guess. Since it's "our" thread. And all. I can complain here because it's not a chat where people are expected to read and reply to everything.
I just can't decide what I want or should do about it now, I kinda just wanna give up on trying but I feel like I need the people outside our system to be happy. I'm dying to talk to everyone but at the same time I don't feel like I even know how that works. I don't know.
02-17-2017, 12:25 PM
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tulpa001 Offline
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#52
 
RE: Me and T'Vani
Trapped in your own mind by your own mind. My host does understand this when it comes to interacting with other people. I think, perhaps, this is part of what caused me. I was the solution.

I have to agree, PMs feel weird. They are uncomfortably wedged between private chat and forum posts. Not a fan.

Host comments in italics. tulpa's log.
02-17-2017, 01:39 PM
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Desmond Offline
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#53
 
RE: Me and T'Vani
I still really appreciate you offering to talk though. And the concern. It's literally the only time I've ever had anyone besides host and L say they're worried.
Maybe I'll try chatting with you sometime. After I manage to man up a bit.
02-17-2017, 02:14 PM
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ClianthaMiura Offline
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#54
 
RE: Me and T'Vani
24th February 2017 - Day 1041

Time for an update to keep myself active with the progress report, even though I've got very little to write.

I've had Desmond write about what goes on in the wonderland and how he feels about things there, and the other tulpas and life in general. We'll most likely post it somewhere and link it here when it's done, it's kind of a writing exercise for him, he's very slow to form forum posts on here compared to me. And also just me being curious about his perspective and stuff.
He's gotten a little bit more active when it comes to talking to people. Not so much on here, but with hosts and tulpas outside tulpa.info. He still has his bad days when he feels like nobody wants to talk with him (for no reason, really), but I like to think we're getting somewhere and he's gonna be alright before 2018. That's our goal right now, haha. I'm also working on my own mental health again, and I hope it will help his as well. I might start antidepressants if nothing else helps, and I'm actually curious if those affect tulpas with depression symptoms. 

I don't think there was anything else I was gonna write, so Big Grin Just gonna end this here.

Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Progress report
Art thread
(This post was last modified: 02-26-2017, 01:00 AM by ClianthaMiura.)
02-24-2017, 08:54 PM
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ClianthaMiura Offline
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#55
 
RE: Me and T'Vani
26th February 2017 - Day 1043

I feel I have to do something for Desmond. Out of appreciation, I think he's earned that several times by now. He's been there for me for so long. I use him for stuff and he always obliges. I share my senses with him when I eat something I don't like because that way I taste almost nothing, I push my physical pain onto him and it eases it for me, I make him possess while getting groceries because it's boring otherwise... I often joke about being such a bad host, doing all that, but really, Desmond's just an amazing tulpa.
I don't know what I want to do yet, Desmond insists I don't have to do anything but I really want to. I might do art relating to this as well, but I don't know yet...

Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Progress report
Art thread
(This post was last modified: 02-26-2017, 01:00 AM by ClianthaMiura.)
02-26-2017, 01:00 AM
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ClianthaMiura Offline
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#56
 
RE: Me and T'Vani
27th February 2017 - Day 1044

I managed to freak Desmond out by accident. I was watching a video about prehistorical sea monsters on youtube and near the end of it thought to myself "huh, we've got a lot of ocean in wonderland...". Never seen him nope so hard, I swear. :'D 
Nothing funny about it, though, I shouldn't laugh. He's terrified of deep waters, above his bellybutton is too much for him to handle unless it's a bathtub. Plus he can't swim, so there's that. I've seen him go way deeper than he felt comfortable going but all of that time he had his hands around L's neck and was not about to let go. The thought of some monster lurking in the ocean doesn't really do much to help with that I guess.

He's scared of so many things that it's almost becoming an inside joke among us. I've mentioned his fear of almost all the animals in existence before, with the ones he's not scared of he's just uncomfortable. Don't really know what's the deal with that. He's also terrified of thunder, which is something we share. Although my fear is very small, especially when compared to his. He's also afraid of aggressiveness and angry or pissed off people. (I feel like there was at least one separate thing that he was afraid of, but I can't remember what it was...)
He's not scared of heights or the dark, though. I am, which is kinda funny for some reason.

I once asked L if he was afraid of anything. He said yes, but said he'd rather not talk about it. Which is very much like him, to be honest. He doesn't share things easily when they're on a more personal level, but just based on that and knowing him I can almost guess what his fears are, even if he doesn't tell me about them himself. He's the type of person who's too kind to complain, worrying it might annoy someone or that they could start worrying about him and it would be a bother for them and stuff like that. He also prefers to not show any negative emotions whenever possible, because of similar reasons. I think he's always been that way.

Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Progress report
Art thread
(This post was last modified: 02-27-2017, 02:52 AM by ClianthaMiura.)
02-27-2017, 02:52 AM
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ClianthaMiura Offline
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#57
 
RE: Me and T'Vani
10th March 2017 - Day 1055

I decided to give Misa a wolf form to use. If she wanted to use it, of course. I just thought about how adorable it would be, since L has one and he and Misa have a kind of a father-daughter relationship. Misa didn't say no, but didn't get excited about the idea either, her response was closer to "oh ok" than anything. She has taken the form of a young, maybe about 4 months old wolf cub after that, but pretty much only used it to fool around for now. This includes play-biting Desmond's hands and rolling on her back on the ground, and she seems to enjoy it. While thinking on the wolf form idea I remembered Witherfang, a character from Dragon Age: Origins, and the form turned out to look a bit like it. The fur is almost entirely white with green vines growing on the legs and small brown blotches all around her fur that almost make it look dirty.

I also thought about changing L's clothes towards a certain style. Something with the forest and Lapland theme to it, fur, leather, bones, etc. L is very resistant to change, and doesn't feel too comfortable about my plans. We're trying to come to a compromise. I've decided that I won't be doing any radical changes to his clothes, but for now just come up with only slightly different clothing variations for him to switch between as he feels best. He's been wearing the same clothes for nearly 3 years now, so I suppose the difficulty with change is understandable Big Grin

Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Progress report
Art thread
03-10-2017, 01:50 AM
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Desmond Offline
ClianthaMiura's tulpa
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#58
 
RE: Me and T'Vani
29th March 2017

It's almost like all my posts here are negative whiny posts nowadays. But there haven't been other reasons for me to post lately than to just whine and vent.
I feel lonely and nothing fucking helps. I don't know how to talk to the people I used to think my friends anymore. It feels like they don't even like me. They ignore me. Host says something about Misa or her pet dog and they go awww or some other reaction. She says something about me and they, what, change the fucking subject without as much as a smiley face to acknowledge the message. (I probably misspelled or used the word wrong but I don't care.) I know it might not be intentional but it really hurts. I used to talk to them a lot, they called me cute names and at the very least noticed me. Now I just feel like I'm just some old news that nobody really cares about, replaced by a younger tulpa and some mutt.
I know this is something I should bring it up but it's really hard when you really feel like no one gives a shit. One of them I know cares at least a bit. But he hasn't been around as much 'cause his host is really busy. I might talk to him about it even though it won't change anything with the rest.
Part of me feels like I should just cut all ties with them. Can't feel sad about friends that I don't have. Host's keeping me from it. She's done that before and while it helped some it took her a long time to stop caring. And she's gonna talk to them still anyways so I couldn't get away from them 100% even if I wanted to.
In any case. Thanks for reading I guess. If you did.
03-29-2017, 12:30 PM
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tulpa001 Offline
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#59
 
RE: Me and T'Vani
I found discord chat to be really convenient. If you miss a message, it's preserved right there in the chat log.

Oh, anyhow, yeah. My host is really introverted in the sense that she wouldn't even care if she had no friends. So I don't have any experience with friend seeking strategies from her history to draw on. Not even sure what kinds of things you are supposed to do to increase friend retention.

You are not coming across as whiny. There are appropriate places to rant, and I think this is one of them.

Host comments in italics. tulpa's log.
03-29-2017, 05:35 PM
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ClianthaMiura Offline
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#60
 
RE: Me and T'Vani
21st April 2017

Wheeee it's Desmond's birthday!! He turned 3 Big Grin Or 21 in his other age.
I'm thinking we should celebrate with a cake or something xD gonna go shopping with him later today to see what I can get. Maybe I could even get one of our friends to continue their way on this online game they've been playing. That'd be pretty cool.

I really don't have much else to write but it would've felt bad to not write anything relating to this, it only happens once a year after all Big Grin guess I could update a tiny bit that we're all doing quite well lately. Hope that lasts.

Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Progress report
Art thread
(This post was last modified: 04-21-2017, 07:22 AM by ClianthaMiura.)
04-21-2017, 07:22 AM
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