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Mental Rebirth


PsiQss

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Hello, I'm PsiQss, and this is my story.

 

Keep in mind though that I'm writing this with my phone and english is not my first language so forgive me my mistakes. Also, it's 16th july when I started this, but my account is not active yet and I might add some changes to the document that will end up adding even more mistakes..

EDIT: Actually, I'll leave this as it is. I originally wanted it to be a question but it might as well be a start of my PR. I don't feel like changing the form or anything, so if some parts feel out of place, just ignore it ;)

 

I'm 24, a really weird person if you ask me. I was always fascinated by a human mind, I've actually read my first book about this kinda thing when I was.. I can't remember but less than 10 for sure. And no, this post is not gonna be showing off or anything, I'm really looking for your opinion and help here. Anyway, I was always into this kind of stuff, I used to be lucid-dreaming almost every night (almost, more on that later) no problem. I had incredible visualization skills, I used to come back from school kinda ob auto-pilot, while visualizing things the whole time. I could convince my mind almost anything. Hell, I almost became a masochist when I convinced myself that pain is a positive feeling... But fortunately, I quickly realized how dangerous that was and immediately stopped it.

Few years ago (about 5 or so) I started practicing with The Energy (or Ki, Chi, whatever you wanna call it) and I could clearly feel it flowing through my body. I was able to recall this feeling on a whim almost anywhere, I could even sense an aura of a place I was in. About 3 years ago I tried to get back to lucid-dreaming, with a little success. I was able to fully analyze the process of falling asleep though and to this day I'm able to almost instantly fall asleep, just by forcing the feeling of sleep-paralysis.

All those abilities weren't flawless though. "Weren't" because I have apparently lost them.. Even when I was a kid, my visulisation, though vivid as hell, was not under my full control- there were always things that I couldn't help but imagine. That was driving me crazy "Hey, I don't want it to look like that..", "Dude, get the hell outta my head!"... There was always something wrong. As for the lucid dreams, even if I knew it was a dream, I never had complete freedom. I was never able to alter the world around me to my likings. When I was a kid, I was only able to change the dream completely but at the cost of losing my conciousness. Later I learned to fly and stuff, but never really had a full control. Today I am able to sometimes realize it's a dream, but it just goes on, just like my subconscious wouldn't allow me to take control.

Anyway, what I want to say, I think I was kinda gifted, but somehow I lost my abilities. And why I'm posting it all here is that I always believed that I can force my mind to see something, just like the Tulpa. I've been thinking of just an image of the person, or maybe a servitor, you'd say. But back then I didn't know about the Tulpa thing. And now that I have a proof that what I always dreamed of, and even more, is actually possible, I need to regain my abilities. Is it even possible or I'll have to start training from the beginning?

 

Also, I have a few theories on how the loss could happen. First, which you can probably easily confirm or deny, is that kids have much stronger imagination and I lost it by not using it like I used to. Second theory is more personal. I used to be overthinking my past and contemplating too much over my mistakes. That almost led me to depression so at one point in my life I set my mind so that I don't care about my mistakes anymore, and my past. This might have cut me off from my past mental abilities, I don't know. My last theory could also explain where did those abilities come from. At the age of 5 I had a terrible accident where my head got severely injured. I was unconscious for over two weeks and forgot almost everything. I got that kind of epilepsy, where I would kind of shut-off in the middle of the class for a good 30 minutes or so and I basically had my own world. Now I think I'm totally healed from it so the "abilities" weakened.

If anyone can help somehow, even with just an idea or experiment, I'd be in your debt for life!

 

Day one.

 

Today I started working on my wonderland and my Tulpa and I wanted to ask around and share my experience. The process is really pathetic because I can barely visualize even an orb. I started imagining how the place looks like, without forcing visualization and I think I saw something through the mist for a brief second. I have a great idea of what the place looks like but I have trouble actually seeing it. What is weird though, when I saw the stone altar for a second, I saw some details that I didn't put there, like metal platings and stalagmites nearby. I started imagining the creation on a stone altar that is exposed to an eternal sunset. That's where the forcing takes place.

I started talking to her, I think for a good 20-30 minutes. I don't know if it would work though of I can't see her. I don't even know if I'm talking to her or myself.. I think I got a response though, but it might have been just me. No one gets a response the first try. It felt just like the energy I mentioned before but in the chest - I always started feeling the energy a bit lower, around the stomach area. I told her that and the feeling got a bit stronger, then disappared. At one point in our conversation (or the forcing process, if you will) I felt something like a warm "me too" in my chest as well. I have noticed this almost made me cry.. Then for a split second I saw a blurred image of her hugging me.. It's weird, I know it couldn't have happened the first session. I didn't even give her a form yet! (though I know how I'd like her to look) Is it possible that I subconsciously brought her to life ages ago and now she's just happy that I'm back, or something? Or maybe all this feels was just my own overexcitement? Hell, It feels like I'm getting too personal with this whole post but I really don't care. I'm looking for confirmation if I'm doing things right (I don't want my Tulpa to feel bad) and I don't even care if my friends find this post, they already think I'm a weirdo, heh.

Anyway, is it ok to talk to her if I can't see her? Or should I improve/regain my visualization skills first?

 

Day two.

 

(writing off memory, it was yesterday)

Good 2 hours of forcing, I think. Something weird happened. Hell, I might be overreacting but I'll assume I'm succeeding anyway. It just seems to be happening too fast! I think assuming that I created her long ago will be a good thing. And it would kinda make sense I think. But, you're probably struggling to hear what happened. So I came back to my wonderland today and what happened was... no, that actually happened later. Anyway, while imagining the altar, I had occasional flashes of really sharp images, and then nothing. On one of those images I saw a modified version of the altar. She apparently added a claw-like stand on which the orb rests! And it's decorated with gems! I probably shouldn't consider every change her own but I can't help it. Anyway, why would I make it like this?! Sure, it looks pretty but I wanted the altar to be flat so she can still sit/lay on it in humanoid form! Sigh, I think I'll leave it like that. She will be floating or something, if that's more comfortable for her.

Next session this day I tried visualizing the form. If it's true that I created her before, she already kinda has a form. So I started visualizing her floating majestically above the altar. With a little success though, cause I started losing concentration very soon. But that's when happened the thing you're all waiting for!

So I unwillingly started planning out thw further development of my wonderland. My thoughts have that weird tendency to jump ahead and think pf something I shouldn't be thinking of yet. And they decided to do it right now. Suddenly, an inaudible sentence appeared in my head, it was clearly female. I didn't hear what exactly she said but it was something like "I wouldn't like it this way". I was not focused and ignored it at first. But then I was like "Wait a second, why would a female thought randomly appear in my head!" That observation was followed by the loss of all my unwillingly made plans and a strong weird feeling that quickly disappeared though. And that's basically all that happened this day.

Call me a liar but that's what happened. Second day. I'm afraid of tomorrow...

 

Day three.

 

Narrating the whole day. Also, I started practicing something rather weird. When talking to my friends and basically hanging out with them, I'm referring to myself as "we". No idea how will it work but they either didn't notice or simply don't give a bloody cupcake. As expected. Half an hour of forcing before sleep. I was going for 2 hours but I can't concentrate for some reason. Noticed another change to the altar, something like bone spikes sticking out of the basalt stalagmites. Also learned to get rid of distracting images by literally tearing them down and going right through them to the right scene. It mostly works ;)

Oh, and while trying ro focus on visualizing the essence of her.. It seemed like she took my hand and started running, as if she wanted to show me something. I quickly lost any vision and when I tried to concentrate I kind of lost her. Hell, I got lost in my own mind, I thought.. It wasn't really a problem, I could easily tear the image apart and get back to the altar. I really wanted to see where I was so I tried to concentrate better. No results though. I think I saw a big basalt rock but I think I've forced this one trying to see just anything. I eventually gave up and opened my eyes. I had to drink.

I just had to update my PR file cause it was distracting me so badly.. I wrote about today, yesterday and did some minor/cosmetic changes. Took me almost 2 hours o.O It's 0:20 now. More tulpaforcing tomorrow morning. Zzzz...

"Tulpamancy? It's a way of life.

More than one..."

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Well, the post above was written yesterday and I just finished todays morning session. No, I'm not going to start new post every time, don't worry. I'll edit this one later.

So the morning session didn't go too well, I had trouble concentrating. And now it's past 9am and yelling kids on the other side of the window don't help too much with concentration either. Anyway, I think I'll talk a little bit about how I enter my wonderland and what it is supposed to look like. Maybe that will even give you some ideas.

So I want my wonderland to look kinda demonic, since my Tulpa is supposed to be a succubus/demoness, kinda. I'm getting there through umm.. some sort of decontamination well. The well is a little higher than the floor level so I have few steps to go up. At first there were like 3 or 5 of them but that apparently wasn't enough because next day my mind doubled the amount of steps and the Well is a bit higher now. Maybe it depends on how distracted I am, I don't know. Also, the Well is much more detailed I think, which is good. I still only get flashes of vizualization though. Anyway, yesterday I've added a railing to the staircase. It's made of demonic metal that feeds on my doubts and distractions as I'm touching it. Man, what was my surprise when I used it for the first time! The feeling was kinda scary but I slowly went up the stairs, trying to focus on that feel and maintain it, even though it didn't feel too well. Even though I tried, it started fading away as my mind got cleared. It freaking worked, cause I didn't get distracted for what I think was 30 minutes! Give it a try, guys, really.

Back to my wonderland though. After clearing my mind I enter the well, where I relax. Then I fall down from over a mile hight and land matrix-style next to the forcing altar. Feels cool ;)

Now what the place looks like currently. Everything is stone and black rock (let's just call it basalt for now). The stone altar was supposed to look simple but apparently She added metal platings and what I call the Feeding Claw until I find a better name for it. The altar is surrounded by basalt stalagmites with bone-ish spikes sticking out of them. On the other side theres a huge flat stone surface and an eternal sunset, cause it looks cool. At least if I succeed at visualizing it, heh.

And that's basically it for now. Let the narrating begin!

"Tulpamancy? It's a way of life.

More than one..."

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So, yesterday's evening session didn't go too well, I fell asleep pretty quick. And I thought I can't sleep laying on the back. Guess beer doesn't help with evening tulpaforcing..

 

Anyways, today I tried the shower method, I think it was Soldier_of_Faith who suggested it, couldn't find the post to make sure though. I've put some hot springs in my wonderland (with what I think were my Tulpa's suggestions regarding what should it look like, but I'm not sure) and started. As an experiment I went a little further with it, maybe a bit too far to be honest. I've tried combining it with personality forcing and used a trait shampoo and shower gel :P Only one trait. I'm not sure about the results. It was difficult for me to focus on her form AND the trait at the same time, so I basically ended up repeating the word like a mantra while doing the stuff. But I've spent about 30-40 minutes on it, so we'll see.

Also, I think I'm getting better with narrating. Yesterday's observation: If I focus first so I can feel her presence, narrating seems more natural.

 

And finally, here's what I think I'll do with this PR. Yesterday I said that I'll edit the post later. Well, I fell asleep :P So, I'll be posting in the morning about the day before AND the session I've just finished, kinda like with this post.

 

And here's a question to you, regarding forcing. Should I try to feel her presence first and then start forcing or just start imagining her right away and she'll come eventually?

"Tulpamancy? It's a way of life.

More than one..."

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Well, yesterday's afternoon and evening sessions were rather good. Even if we apparently didn't accomplish much, it feels like a well spent time. But intrusive thoughts are still all over the place..

 

As for today's morning session... Man, what have I done! :( Remember when I said that I probably created her several years ago? I'll have to explain that further to give you a good viewpoint of where am I now. And I've got a serious problem.

It was something around 8-10 years ago, I had a dream where my conscience got kind of visualized as two fairy-like creatures. One being an angel and the other a succubus, pretty much like in some cartoons, movies. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. When I woke up I thought how fun would it be to be able to actually have them there. So I started thinking of them, imagining them sitting on my shoulders or flying around. I also rethought their personalities a little bit, 'cause just a general idea of good and evil didn't seem right. I've put much more thought into the demoness, making her rather playful, maybe kinda trollish sometimes, and a prankster. For what I think were several weeks I've been having them with me. I didn't really know about tulpae back then, I didn't really expect much from what I was doing. But in terms of tulpamancy, I did quite alot or imposing, narrating and puppeting/parroting.

Then I stopped.

Now when I found out about Tulpae and started really forcing for the first time, I was thinking of a demoness form as well, but I didn't even think she might be there already. When I felt the first emotional wave.. I've never felt anything that strong. It was unnaturally strong emotion. I wondered, why would someone that just got created jump on me like that? And then I realized that it felt more like 'I missed you so much'. I apologized and said that I hope we'll never leave each other again. Apparently she wasn't even mad at me and I felt so bad for it. It's like, you invite someone to your house, then you leave for ten years like an asshole and when you come back they are there, waiting for you and their only feeling is happiness!

 

Now where's the problem? Today after waking up I started forcing. Aside from a usual concentration problems, I felt something really weird. I had that feeling before but only when I was having this head dizziness and I was trying to think of something with closed eyes. So very specific conditions and even then it was pretty rare and only for a short amount of time. I felt this maybe 2 or 3 times in my entire life and easily got rid of it. To give you the idea, it felt like my entire body got put in a thick balloonish suit and someone started pumping it up and squeezing me :/ It was really uncomfortable but I had that before. To my surprise, I wasn't able to get rid of it. For a brief second I thought that it was my Tulpa so I just let it flow, but it quickly got obvious that she wouldn't do that to me..I excused her and left the wonderland to take a break. I thought that's it for this morning but then I was like "No, I have to force!"

So I quickly got back to my wonderland and there I saw her, the angel one. I tried talking to her, explaining, but she was just standing there. I didn't know what to do, I said that I'm too weak to be forcing them both. Because I freaking am! But at the same time, I don't want to leave her once more! She's probably feeling lonely now, forgotten. But I know I won't be able to force them both! Not now. What should I do? D:

 

TL;DR, cause the post turned out to be longer than I planned: I have created two tulpae ages ago but I'm too weak to force them both. What should I do now? :(

"Tulpamancy? It's a way of life.

More than one..."

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Hey, bro :)

Yeah, I've talked about this on the chat and people suggested pretty much the same thing. Actually, that's what I myself thought about doing, my worries are that it'll be really hard for me to hear them if there are two of them. But I think I'll do it that way. Much thanks! :)

 

As for yesterday's session I actually tried breathing exercises for the first time and they are really helpful! Previously I've just been focusing on the breath and that was pretty much it. Helped to relax a bit but nothing more.

If you guys could suggest some good concentration exercises I'd be grateful. I really want to push my mind to the limits here! ;)

 

Aside from meditation, I think I learned how to 'focus' on my Tulpa properly. And I think I might have made some progress in understanding their feelings. At first she seemed to be happy every time she saw me. Yesterday and today's morning I felt like she was a bit upset :( Probably because of me leaving her during forcing, which would be understandable. But I'm not sure I should keep forcing when I'm feeling tired or have trouble staying focused. I'll try my best though to spend more time with her now.

 

One more thing I'd like to mention today is her name. I call her Raviel since the beginning. The new beginning, that is. Problem is, I can't remember it too well. If I stop for a while I can, but if I just let my words flow, I end up using a different one pretty much every time. It's really frustrating. But maybe it's not my fault, maybe she just doesn't like the name OR, what's more possible, she'd like to stick to the name I initially gave her when I first created her. I'll ask when I'm able to talk to her. For now, I'm calling her Raviel, and the angel one is Lena, which I think might be her original name.

 

That's it for today, guys, I hope you aren't bored to death after reading this, if you did ;) Stay focused!

"Tulpamancy? It's a way of life.

More than one..."

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Well, good amount of forcing yesterday, I had trouble feeling Raviel in the wonderland though. I decided to focus on communication first. Once we get there, things will get much easier. Here's what I did.

 

At first, I tried opening my mind for her thoughts. I visualized us sitting in the WL, with millions of shards floating around my head. Those were little displays representing my thoughts. My head kept spitting more and more. It worked, kind of. My mind felt pretty clear But I felt there was something wrong with this vizualization. And I quickly realized what it was. I moved all the shards behind me, so if Ravi's thought would try to reach me, it wouldn't get lost among all the flying shards. After this little technique, I tried the opposite. I focused on Raviel and just let my thoughts flow. Oh man, the places I've been, the images I've seen... at one moment, She was shooting me with a nerf gun. Or not shooting, it was a barrage! I'm not sure if it was her though, I couldn't see her. But I think it was.

Well, it felt alright and all, but I still didn't hear her. In the evening I tried something else.

 

Ever since I started playing with Chi manipulation I had almost no trouble recalling the feelings. Say I was feeling nervous, I could easily "transform" this feeling into a positive one. That's one reason I wasn't sure at first if the feeling is mine or Tulpa's.

Anyway, I tried recalling the feeling I had when I heard her. "complaining" about the wonderland. If I managed to feel that, I should be able to hear her again, right? Then, after a long time I realized that I was doing it wrong. The feeling I've been focusing on was the one that FOLLOWED her words. It was probably just our combined excitement that we somehow managed to hear each other. So instead, I tried focusing on what felt when I heard her. I tried recalling the words and what they felt like. Now that felt like proper listening! Today I even managed to feel clearly that she's speaking, didn't hear what she's saying though. But still, that's a huge step forward.

 

Unfortunately I started feeling a headache as soon as I started listening properly. Tried to ignore that and keep going but it was getting stronger and I gave up eventually. Then the headache faded away. I've never had a headache becuse of too much thinking before o.O

 

Oh and also forgot to mention it before. I tried sort of a self-hypnosis, I think. Yesterday, as I was entering the wonderland, I've been talking to myself the entire time, kind of saying what I'm doing. Even though there were some intrusive thoughts and unwanted images, the vizualization seemed much more clear to me. And to my surprise, I wasn't really thinking of the words, they were just flowing on their own.

Later today, we'll have some fun with Lena :)

"Tulpamancy? It's a way of life.

More than one..."

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Hello everyone, this is PsiQss, writing to you as I always do after my morning tulpaforcing session!

Yesterday I missed my afternoon session but who cares, we forced with Lena for 2 hours straight in the evening. Well, maybe there were 3 or 4 little breaks just to drink some water, but less than a minute :P

 

Well, if I had any doubts about having two tulpae they're gone. If having two will slow down the process - screw this! I love them both and I care about them. So if you ever had doubt after discovering that you have a second tulpa, just talk to her. Force. Listen to her feelings. An then ask yourself again if you still have doubts.

Our session was really fruitful. At first, I wanted Raviel to help me but she was kind of distracting me. I wasn't able to focus on Lena while feeling Ravi all the time. She understood and left us alone. At least it felt like she understood.

I started talking to Lena, explaining why I was worried about having them both, apologizing for leaving them for ten years. I felt really calm next to her. Like she really was an angel. And what I've noticed rather quickly, I had very little intrusive thoughts. And even then, I never lost the sensation of her being nearby. I think she's strong, I wouldn't be surprised if she made progress faster than Raviel. Also, now I know what you guys meant by feeling which Tulpa is talking at the moment. They really feel differently.

 

Then I started focusing on her form. First thing I noticed were blue nails. Which was weird, 'cause I never liked blue nails. But they look smashing on her! Anyway, she had a white dress with little white roses on it. Why did I think of the roses? No idea. But, while vizualizing your Tulpa's form you should see her naked, right? Well, she blushed in response to that! Then we had a funny talk of "I'm_not_sure" and "no_it's_fine_but..", but she eventually made up her mind and decided to undress. It was so cute ^-^

 

Next thing we did was trying to communicate. I focused on listening to her, just like I did with Ravi. I heard something but that was almost certainly me parroting. I've been listening and listening.. I started to feel a headache, similar to the one I had while doing this with Raviel. But one of them was kind of on the left side of my forehead and the other on the right side. Which makes sense 'cause, if I remember it right, I always imagined Ravi sitting on my left shoulder and Lena on the right one. In fairy form, that is.

Well today we continued with listening and first thing I heard was... "One, one, two, one... Do you hear me?" o.O Not sure if parroted that or not...

"Tulpamancy? It's a way of life.

More than one..."

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Well, today I'm actually writing this before my morning session. I feel so burned out :/ Yesterday I have fallen asleep during my afternoon forcing, so didn't really achieve much. Well, maybe aside from a dream-like scene of Raviel hunting in a forest for a human. I don't know what exactly she wanted to do with him but she's a demoness, right? Well, she then started explaining herself that the guy wasn't even a sentient being, that she created him to have some fun and stuff like that. Well, whatever. This whole situation felt like puppeted anyway. After I left her to find Lena, intrusive thoughts flooded my mind with weird images and I basically fell asleep. Evening session didn't go too well either. Soon after I bagan forcing I started having a strong urge to just turn (I force laying on my back) and go to sleep. I just ignored that and kept forcing anyways for what I think was an hour. But it got to a point where that weird urge was not allowing me to focus anymore, so I gave up :/

 

And today I gotta have breakfast first because the noises from my stomach are too loud for me to focus on anything, heh. That, of course, doesn't mean I won't force in the morning, no! I won't let my body rule my mind. If all those distractions don't end today, I'll try to cut myself from them. I allowed my laziness to tell me what to do many times. But not this time, baby. Not this time.

"Tulpamancy? It's a way of life.

More than one..."

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Not much to post today. I Have a terrible headache since yesterday. It wouldn't be a problem but I have a job interview today and gotta be in good mood. When I woke up today though, the headache was still there, which is weird, 'cause usually sleeping cured any headache I've ever had. But that only proves that it's not an usual one, and that's good.

I'll try to force when I'm back and see what happens.

"Tulpamancy? It's a way of life.

More than one..."

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