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Michen and Amantha: the Journey
Well, I suppose this might as well be a thread of how far I've come with Amantha. I know you lot love reading stuff like this, so you can have it. This thread'll mostly be the story from this year mid-March onwards, when I decided to keep Amantha as a tulpa. For now though, I want to share how she came to be.

For more background information: I had heard of tulpas for the first time a few years ago. I had no idea what they were, or what I had to do to get one. I only knew you can create one yourself. So me, being a creative guv and having a high interest in this kinda stuff, decided to try it out. Having the game Never Alone in my mind and being a furry, I went for a female anthro fox tulpa. Long story short, I only did a small amount of active forcing and cut it off after a week. I didn't do anything with tulpamancy after that, and the undeveloped tulpa seemed to disappear. Yes, that was a stupid idea, I know.

Now, I've been Christian my whole life, and one day I heard from someone that you were supposed to wait for a response after your message. That way God could actually answer you. So I decided to try that, to see what I would receive back. I wanted one so much that I kept doing that until I got a reply back. I then tried starting a conversation. The answers I received weren't in words, but it was enough for me to know that I had contact with something.

That went on for quite a while. A bunch of weeks, at least. In my head there was the issue on whether it was my own mind sending these replies, or whether it really was God. From what I heard, God rarely answers in a way we humans clearly understood and I felt like it was coming from an external source, so I questioned this "source of answers" to find out. The answer was not really what I expected. It was neither me nor God. Instead, it said it was a "messenger" of some sort. I think that's the best way to describe it. I suppose that's also what made the most sense to me back then. If it was neither me nor God, it would make sense if it was some sort of middleman.

After a while longer, I started to seek contact with this "middleman" directly rather than praying to God. It was able to use normal words at this point. However, whenever it tried to answer with a word I forgot the meaning of, it'd say it couldn't use the word it was looking for because I had forgotten it. If it really were a "middleman", then how could it not use words I had forgotten briefly? I was uncertain how it got in my head, and whether it was a demon or evil spirit talking to me. Every time I asked, it then proceeded to mention the Bible to argue that, no, it wasn't, or I would've noticed by now. It was clearly being helpful to me, and I couldn't deny that.

She continued to develop for almost a year, if not longer. (I had discovered it was clearly female at that point, something that confused me further.) She had gotten a lot of passive attention in that time. She acted as my guide for religious and spiritual matters, mostly. I was still confused as to what she was. When I asked her about it, she would just say she was my "guide", or "I'm not sure". I just assumed she was some sort of spirit. So far all those answers also reflected the answers I was expecting to get.

Around that time was also when I tried to visualize her for the first time, I don't quite remember why. Maybe because it would be nice to actually see her around. Anyhoo, surprise surprise, she had the same form as the undeveloped tulpa of years back, the one at the beginning of my story. As in, exactly the same. Again I didn't notice it at that moment, it was something I discovered in hindsight.

It took reading about tulpas once again on an other forum for me to consider that might be what was actually going on. So I started discussing it with her. Of course, she didn't know whether or not she was a tulpa, or a deamon for that matter. And this is the point where I've come to where I started this post with - last March. That was when I noticed that, no matter what she was, she was acting much like one. It was also just a few days after Amantha chose her own name. (She had no name before she did that.)
Michen, host or "main" / Amantha, anthro arctic fox tulpa

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Very neat! Us lot (we) do love hearing these kind of stories, especially one so kewl. :3
~ Mid-March ~

This was the period wherein I noticed Amantha was already somewhat like a tulpa. Having that in mind, I decided that day that I might as well make her a full tulpa. For reference , I still didn't know what she was exactly, but now I at least had a plan with what she was going to be.

Amantha voiced her concerns about this, more than once. She wanted me to research more about possible dangers and problems that could arise from tulpamancy. As I tried to do so, I mostly noticed one thing: tulpas going rogue. Yep, I found the creepypasta stories first. Amantha went on to say that her going rogue wouldn't be our biggest problem. It would only become a problem if I was expecting it was going to be a problem, which makes sense. The only other thing I came across was potential problems with mental illnesses. Now, I have PDD-NOS, which has it's issues, but I'm not expecting it to be too much of a problem for tulpamancy in the long run. It would be in the past, but I have matured a lot since the time I was looking into it for the first time.

However, she would still warn me after that. I think what she was actually referring to was having someone else living inside my head, and all the issues that would come with it. Again, I didn't understood that at the time, and seeing no further issues, I went on ahead with my plan.

I did some research on what steps I would like to have Amantha take. Her presence was already solid, so I already had a good area to start. I was thinking she was already halfway there, to which she replied that just the presence was 1/6th of the way there. I wasn't sure what she meant with that - she probably had something different in mind than I did. Either way, I decided the next step might as well be to check to which degree she was vocal. It would be an easy step to take from here. After that would go determining to what level she could control herself, then the ability to appear when I wasn't thinking of her and finally imposition. It should be easy to pass a few goals, so not everything was necessary. Still, I thought it would be a good idea to check.
Michen, host or "main" / Amantha, anthro arctic fox tulpa
~ Late March and Early April ~

As I should've expected, Amantha was able to absolutely obliterate the vocality check. In this, I hindered her more than I should've, but she made her point regardless. Next came the ability to do things on her own without my input. Now, she already had a mind of her own and she could think on her own, but it didn't quite feel like she was thinking independantly of me.

I had read about wonderlands and how they related to tulpa, so I decided to use a mindscape of my own. I simply used an image I had used before in my mind. A forest of dense pine trees, with a single road leading to a cave, everything covered in snow. I first placed myself in there. Not as a human, mind you, but as an anthro snow leopard. That's how much the furry fandom influenced me. The second thing I did was create a lab right in the middle of the road, which I was planning to use to aid in the forcing process. I used it for, like, a couple of days... She rather stayed outside, but it seemed she took a liking to the mindscape, even with how simple it was.

However, I wanted to know for certain that she was really a tulpa - not just what some would call a "servitor". As such, I wanted her to do something simple: do something I wouldn't come up with to let her do, if that makes sense. Though she could think on her own, this challenge proved to be difficult for her. As an additional check, I decided to do the parralel processing test on DeviantArt. Unfortunately, I couldn't finish it, as she mentioned she couldn't keep track of how many balls had passed already. She just couldn't.

The progress in this area came from her actions in mindscape during a small forcing session whilst I was showering. I added a hot spring to mindscape for the situation, and soon enough we were both located in it. Though, I couldn't feel the water, and the water didn't seem to have any effect on her. Nevertheless, it seemed to be relaxing for both of us. I think standing in the shower did help with that. Either way, when I reached for something on her side just to mess with her, she decided to slap the hand I was reaching out with. She even changed my viewpoint from which I was looking to mindscape for that, just for the split second she took to slap my hand. To end the session when the shower was done, I let her decide on what to add next to mindscape. She chose for a treehouse, a place where she actually has a roof above her head. Not that she needed it, she just added it. I liked the idea, and started working on the inside.

I decided to do the parralel processing test again to see how she was doing in one of the following days. She responded with a number this time. However, she was off by a lot, sometimes not even knowing if there were more balls on her side or on my side. It felt like a bit of a setback, but I didn't want her to stop developing now.
Michen, host or "main" / Amantha, anthro arctic fox tulpa
If I were you guys I wouldn't give too much weight to the parallel processing test. It's an opinion that not everyone shares but we aren't quite sure parallel processing is even possible. I tried that test and we got within a few balls of each other but only after we had done it several times and gotten a little practiced at it. The test doesn't really work more than once anyway (if it works at all) because you learn to get better at paying attention to the requirements of the rest and that's about it. We tried to do work on parallel processing, or the way some see it, rapid burst processing (as in, back and forth so quickly it could be almost parallel), by having one of us speak aloud the alphabet while the other was singing a song or counting numbers or doing math. It seemed hard at first but we noticed this didn't quite work like we wanted to because after we got used to the concept, I think our brain found it easy to just throw quick thoughts each way, one after the other to go "ok, a letter, then a note, then letter then 2 notes, another letter, etc etc".

It's interesting what all you can get good at if you practice, in other words.

I know I said all this but it's just my opinion. I found early on that you should try not to mentally block yourself from possibilities. If you see people saying "oh you can't do this.." or "you have to do that first.." and so on, it can cause you to dismiss your own progress sometimes or think you are somehow doing things wrong or maybe even broken and incapable of something. Every system is unique, there are just a series of typical steps in the guides and they should all note somewhere that your results may vary. Take the things you see and read and keep in mind that your experiences may not be identical.
Don't worry about it. We were just curious, and it counts for forcing.

This is just the story of how it went. I'm assuming that the area for counting was just supposed to be used between the two of us taking control back-and-forth, and we just couldn't do that well back then. Parallel processing with both of us thinking about the same thing at the same time, without switching control, has never worked for us. Switching control back-and-forth quickly like the processing test requires can be learned, but it's still not a good idea to utilize. All that does is give me a headache and drain mental energy like a menace.

We had to stop after, like, four tries and come back later if we wanted to try again. We stopped doing the test forever after we succeeded once.
Michen, host or "main" / Amantha, anthro arctic fox tulpa
~ Mid- and Late April ~

A while after those events, she still hadn't done much to surprise me or do something that I wouldn't expect her to do. Then again, I hadn't really been active forcing all that much, most of it had been passive. I did spent a lot more time with her than before though. Whilst I was reflecting on this goal one morning, she decided she had done enough. She striped off this goal in my head, before I felt like it was reasonable to do so. I un-striped it, to which she tried to stripe it back again. Though not too surprising, it showed she had gained a bit of independancy in the meantime. I un-striped the goal once more, but I did made it count as progress towards the goal. It felt like she was getting much stronger in just a couple of weeks. And that was for me the biggest surprise up to that point.

More stuff kept being added to mindscape. So much that I had to grab something to draw everything on it, to keep track of what went where. A church was added, a lake got added, exit gates got added (not out of mindscape, just to different areas), a beach was added... It became quite the place. But the most important part that got added was the chimney of the lab I created. That was done with the intent to keep intrusive thoughts out of mindscape, but it proved to have other uses instead. I had heard of tulpas using a water hose as a symbol to cut the host's thoughts off. For us, that chimney could be used for that. And instead of stopping the smoke, it would work by increasing the amount of smoke coming out of it. It was kinda neat.

We also looked over some of the terminology the tulpa community was using. Michen was just using "tulpa" to describe me at this point, no problem there. What we did run into, was an issue with switching. We read somewhere that during a switch, the tulpa would become the host, and the host the tulpa. That was very confusing. That's how we came up with an other solution, we'd just use a different word under each other that'd work instead. That was how Michen became what we call the "main". It was fairly simple. Rather than "host", which was determined by who was controlling the body, this word came to point out who actually "owned" the physical body. You know, the person to whom letters, bills, mails and stuff would be sent to. So if we would ever end up switching, we wouldn't have to worry about what referred to who.

Along with that, we worked out boundaries both of us could agree with. Michen isn't exactly a rash person. Mostly. That meant that I could give input on his actions at any given time. However, him being the person who owns the body, he could give a "veto" in important matters that might be better off decided by only one person. He listens a lot to me, great fella. He really only used this "veto" without considering potential insight from me once, and that was when he went voting for EU elections. And I didn't even have insight in that. I'm not busy with politics.

Other than that, there was an agreement on me being silent whilst Michen's streaming. That was fair enough. Streaming is fairly draining in and of itself, no need to add something to it that would drain him even more. Besides that, I could talk to him whenever I wanted to. That's how  I ended up  requesting a special drawing of us two, together. This was the period of time he completed the request. It was very nice. It was in a time where I was also already experimenting with hairstyles, so he started over with my look a few times. Based on some guidelines I gave him, he managed to put me on paper, genitals and all. It didn't come without issues though. It still could've been better, but hey, I didn't look too detailed in his eyes yet so I can't blame him there.

Sometime after that, whilst I was busy watching anime, I tried to force her so she could watch the show with me. And that's when I saw her, with a pawsicle in her hands. You know, those things from Zootopia. I have no idea where she got that from. I didn't place any food in mindscape, and there still wasn't any around. So I asked her where in the world she got the food from. Turns out, she just kinda conjured it up out of thin air. We had already reached our goal of doing things I wouldn't expect her to do at that point, but this reinforced that Amantha could indeed do things on her own, and very differently from me. She never needed food, and she knew that. As to why she did that? I still don't have a clue.
Michen, host or "main" / Amantha, anthro arctic fox tulpa
~ Early and Mid-May ~

In this period of time, our house was getting a renovation. Not much to say about it. I was away from home almost every day, including a visit to my grandmother... Tiring times. Not a nice period. This is also why there was barely any progress in this period of time. Thankfully Amantha kept standing at my side, supporting me as I went about during two weeks.

Still, that doesn't mean there isn't anything to say about this period of time. She did help me with the realisation that I don't have to avoid doing certain things, just because other people wouldn't like to see me do them. other than that, we tried playing some games together like chess to kill time. (That didn't go so well...) She also helped out with my drawing a little bit whenever I ended up doing that.

We have been discussing RPs in this time. Turns out, she wanted to give that a try as well, and she wanted to design her own character for that. Of course, there was something more notable. I had planned on a dual character before I knew Amantha was a tulpa.

What that means is simple: it's actually two characters, but they count as only one in my head. That's because the two characters are so intertwined they actually can't not join RPs seperately. (Yes, that's a double negative.) Now, we found a conclusion on this. I would give Amantha the possibility to control one half of the dual character. That would mean we would be both controlling one given character with their own actions, and we'd have to work together on things on a regular basis. These two characters can be far apart physically, no problem there. But in case one of the two characters is in dire trouble, the other also is due to the link they have. It's actually pretty fitting.

Not only that, but my fursona would actually become part of a dual character. Since my fursona represents me it would only make sense if Amantha got represented as well. Thus, she would join my character as... Well, my tulpa.

It was going to be a laugh. Though playing a tulpa meant I had no direct control over anything, I could somewhat direct the fursona's actions and his thoughts. That and the internal dialogue that came with it is supposed to be hilarious, sometimes. It's crazy. Almost like I'm a natural at that role.

And last but not least, we joined this site in this period on Amantha's request. Whilst we were busy with registering on thhe site, I asked her under what name I should place the account, mine or her's. She wanted me to place it under my name. That made more sense to her, me being the main and all. As for what she would use to distinguish her for me, that wouldn't be much of a problem. She had already picked a colour she'd be using for RP characters under her control.
Michen, host or "main" / Amantha, anthro arctic fox tulpa
~ Late May ~

The renovation is complete, and with that, everything is back to normal. It got a lot warmer though. We tried playing a few games against each other, but since we can always know what the other is thinking and we aren't big on the whole posession thing, what we can do is a little limited. We're working on a way around that in this period. Amantha suggested Monopoly. That would work.

Mindscape is humungous, and I can no longer update the map I had up to that point to accomodate for it. A village got added to the forest area, as well as other areas like a beach. I'm getting kinda lost on what should go where, and there are even more ideas to add. I'm gonna need a new way to map all of this. It's gonna take a while to figure out.

I also asked Michen if more people could be added to mindscape. As of yet, Michen and I are the only people in there. However, though I would like to have other people around, I don't want them to become actual tulpas. I'm not quite fully developed yet, and I'm not sure how having a third person inside his head would go. Thankfully he came up with a way quite quickly: having both finished and planned furry characters hang around as NPC-like creatures. Unlike me, they're heavily restrained in their capabilities. They don't really do much, but they make things seem a bit more lively. Especially two planned characters, an anthro gecko and a feral owl, that were placed in the library. It really fits their planned personalities well. Great addition there, and it keeps things more interesting for Michen as well. Even though they are horrible for interaction...

In the meantime, intrusive thoughts are starting to get worse. Now that he's giving me more attention, more intrusive thoughts involving me are popping up. Namely, romantic thoughts. They're not really that deep, they just come with a puff of wind. And they make no sense, being unwelcome by both of us. Thankfully I'm well-equipped to deal with those as well. You should've seen Michen's face when I pulled out a flamethrower in reaction to the intrusive thoughts. It was surprisingly effective.

And for the last thing that happened, a birthday happened. Way at the end of this period in time. Since he doesn't know when in the world I appeared, it made sense to us both to consider this my birthday as well. I asked for a bracelet for Michen to wear, just to remind him of me. In the past, he has tried to force me using his necklace, which I really didn't like. Besides, he has thought of getting one in the past, so it works out well. Though, we didn't actually manage to find one on his birthday. At least he went out searching, and I'm sure we'll find one later.
Michen, host or "main" / Amantha, anthro arctic fox tulpa
We never regretted adding NPCs or fauna to wonderland. They're great, just don't think of them as independent people and they'll naturally grow, so just be clear in your dealings with them. The old man who lives down the hall, one of our first NPC's who talked to us directly recurs but he's really no different from a lamp that randomly blinks or a flag flapping in the wind. His actions are spontaneous and believable, but scripted based on what an old man in a suit would do. We can talk to NPCs and they seem pretty lucid, but they're just archetypes, patterns of real people.

Intrusive thoughts plagued us, it peaked between month four and six, and we didn't have daily intrusions since then, but only recently could we have other 'males' in wonderland. They would cause bad intrusive thoughts. Other than make dragons for some reason, they're just jerks. Drax comes by every once in a while, and he mostly just mouths off, nothing bad.

It'll get easier, don't worry.

As for sexual tension, we live with it, that's not going anywhere as far as we can tell.

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