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[Misc] Did your tulpas trigger long-forgotten memories? Advice?
#1
Minutes after I revived Gavin, I started mentally reliving the year of time we had spent together, and that was pretty expected. There was a new context for Gavin to put those memories in- it wasn't his end, and he's a tulpa.

However, also since his revival, I'm occasionally flooded with memories of my early childhood, a time I thought I had very few memories of. About pre-k, kindergarten, and 1st grade, the years of school before my major trauma. The correlation is a bit disturbing, though the memories aren't too bad. Some are good (playing with my friends), some are bad (that time I was held down and forced to kiss another kid on the mouth, by my friends), but most are entirely neutral. I remember last names and the faces of kids I played with, I remember the giant bottles of hand sanitizer they put in our table baskets during "The Apocalypse", which started after my years-later-to-be best friend puked during choir, in the presence of the whole grade. I remember craft projects we did, and that time this kid glued my scissors shut, and all these little events and memories of mostly school, that I thought were just gone, sunk too deep in the black box.

Gavin sees himself in the memories- he sees himself as me. I also see myself there, as myself. Cassidy does not. If it were common for tulpas to associate with the host in memories, I would expect them both to say "that's me," but that's not the case. I've spoken with Gavin some, but he doesn't know much more and isn't especially wanting to talk about it.

Though mostly neutral memories, we both feel a little like we're really there, which makes zero sense. I don't like feeling like I'm "a little 'girl' again", even if I'm reliving getting hot cocoa for having "A"s. I don't get what's going on, but I'd like it to stop, at this point.

Any insight or advice, I want to hear. If I track Gavin, in all his forms, back to a trauma in late 1st grade, why would he flood our brain with memories of the years before that? How do I make it stop? Until it stops, what do we do?

-J
edit: spelling, rude thing
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#2
I didn't have any form of childhood trauma, but my memories of elementary and middle school are a blur. If I thought enough about it, I could recall little snippets of my elementary years. Ranger and I at one point tried to play around with that together, but it didn't improve my ability to remember the past. Ranger never tried recalling those memories as if they were his, but both of us are a little unsure if that's a good idea. If we decide to try it, we'll let you know in this thread.

My guess is if Ranger tried to remember the past as him, he may be able to access different memories just because he thinks a little differently.

From what we understand, Ranger wasn't really in the picture until high school. If any buried memories that belonged to Ranger popped up, it would be centered around that time period.

Recently I asked my therapist about what she knew about DID not too long ago and she told me that the core personality communicating with their alters or integration may allow for remembering of those previously blocked memories. I don't know to what extent this applies to you guys, but I figured it was worth mentioning. Maybe focus on separation more? I honestly have no idea.

Whether we wanted it or not, Ranger and I memory bleed. I have a bad habit of remembering things Ranger did and reacting to them, and Ranger frequently pulls my memories in order to have a conversation with someone...
My Wonderland form minus the glasses and the fur. I'm not a hippo, I promise.
I sometimes speak in pink and Ranger sometimes speaks in blue (if it's unmarked and colored assume it's Ranger). He loves to chat.

My other Tulpas have their own account now.
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#3
Before identifying Gavin as a tulpa, you both had identified him as a alter, hadn't you? If he's of traumagenic origin, it would be typical for him to take memories with him when he split out, pre-origin memories that would be from his perspective, but of being in control of the body. And now that you and he are communicating more deeply and intentionally, you may be reconnecting with those memories. The "flooding" could be how you perceive the reconnection. If the same memories aren't being repeated, that's evidence of the reconnection being accomplished, so that the process can eventually complete. In that case, the best way to stop it may be to finish it, to try to intentionally play through the whole set of memories at convenient times to keep it from happening at inconvenient times.

Not really disagreeing with Cat, though. Having more memories in common may increase your need to focus on separation of thoughts, identities, values, and motivations, at least temporarily. Separation of memories makes all the others easier. But most of us never had significant separation of memories to begin with.

If the same memories are repeating, it goes beyond my experience with DID systems. Either way, this sounds like something good to discuss with your therapist.

I hope it's acceptable for me to address your questions from a DID perspective. When my wife treats my system as if we had DID, Vesper and I find it annoying and sometimes distressing, as it means she regards neither of us as the people we remember being.

-Ember
Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]
Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017
Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Unseelie Court, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit
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