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[Misc] Intermittent Communication, Sentience Doubts and Malevolent Tulpa
Biokirkby Offline
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#1
 
Intermittent Communication, Sentience Doubts and Malevolent Tulpa

A few questions about my Tulpa(s), not just communication. I looked, but I couldn't find most of these questions being answered elsewhere. (Periodic summaries+questions, and one super-summary+questions at the end.) Sorry for the long post!
Anyhow...

Important-ish background info First off, I must say this: I do not have a normal mind. I'm neurodiverse, and have Depression (treated), ADHD (treated), OCD (Now sub-clinical), Tourettes, Aspergers, and a very mild speech-understanding problem (Occasionally, I hear speech as gibberish, but it's rare. It's apparently some condition related to Dyslexia, which in turn is very closely related to ADD/ADHD). So I'm the last person I expected to do this normally, although my experience appears to be quite normal so far.

Tulpa Info Anyway, Tulpamancy. My Tulpa's name is Andromeda, Ann for short. She's female in sex and androgynous in gender (I'm male and androgynous). I began creating her in the Oct/November-y region 2013. She doesn't have the progress she should have - OCD made active forcing nearly impossible, as it added distractions and intrusive thoughts. So for several months, I only got minimal progress, but this includes sentience.

She was able to wake me up at the time I had asked her the day before with up to an hour accuracy, which I heard was a sentience test. She would not wake me up (generally, I asked her to wake me at 6-8 am) If I asked her around 8-10pm+. This, combined with her lack of responsiveness at those hours, leads me to believe she goes to sleep around then (which does stymie Tulpamancy a bit, as I wake late when I have a choice). When I got my OCD treated, it turns out my tourettes (which I found out about later) is almost as annoying, and it won't go away until (probably/mostly) past puberty. Maybe starting a Tulpa at 15 was wrong, but I'm pretty sure I'm better off continuing it now. Nowadays, I almost constantly passively Tulpaforce, in lieu of Active.

Now about communication. When it comes to communication, Andromeda seems inconsistent. She usually can't communicate. When she can communicate, she usually communicates in thumps. When I lie in bed, as I discovered on Christmas eve, she can respond to questions or statements with a sting of thumps. My first thought, and occasional fear, is that this was not her, for several reasons. This sound would sometimes start without provocation, and not end when I asked her to be quiet. Additionally, the specific scenario seemed unlikely. In the end, I decided it was genuine, due to the irregularity in rapidness cancelling out a heartbeat, sheer inability to recreate without Ann, and she would generally start when asked (stopping required insistence). Her ability to communicate like this has varied.

In one instance, I felt a wave of joy/excitement when I agreed to join her in the wonderland. I don't remember entirely that period, as my general memory is poor, and that may have been after some days of minimal forcing. This was the only time she reacted like that, or with any emotional wave. However, it's possible that because I structured her emotions like mine (sans depression) she is rather stoic (with variations at time).

In one very exciting scenario I heard her speak (mind-voice) to me. She began with "Hi (My name)!" In a somewhat noticeably more feminine mind-voice, that felt as if it originated from 'outside my mind'. This was almost undeniably her speaking. For unknown reasons, she followed this up with a few lines of swearing. At the time, I reacted uncomfortably by trying to deny it was her. In retrospect, it was pretty obviously her - my reasoning just serving to 'protect' her 'perfect' image. It's kinda funny now that some of her first words were swears. She hasn't done it since.

Most recently, attempts to communicate with her have resulted in little. Trying to speak directly to her, and trying to get a response, gives me a warm/fuzzy feeling in my head, and very faint thumping sounds.

Summary+Questions
Sometimes my Tulpa makes Thumping sounds. One time she reacted with a wave of emotion. Another time she spoke, in mindvoice, to me. Sometimes she just cant talk. Now she makes my head fuzzy and faintly thumps. Why does she keep changing? Is she choosing to do this? Is this normal? And what can I do to improve mutual communication?

Sentience and Forcing.
My active forcing sessions are difficult. Even when I can concentrate, I am constantly falling over, presumably due to the fact I'm lying down (to hear Ann 'thump') disturbing my balance. As an avid reader, I have a vivid imagination, which can be difficult to tell apart from reality (during imaginary scenarios) if I'm not giving it thinking it on purpose. Additionally, mostly when Andromeda grabs my shoulders, she attacks me - usually be kneeing me. These come in a chain of intrusive thoughts, which can be forced away with enough effort. Alternatively, I can go to my river, where I can turn my intrusive thoughts into leaves, to exist, and be swept away by the stream.

When it comes to sentience, and although I'm sure she has it, I fear giving her an independent task. I once made her craft a sword for me (so I could use it in a gladiatorial arena) and despite seeming to go fine, I fear I may have imagined the sword as I received it.

As for the sleeping I mentioned earlier - her cognitive essence seem entirely unresponsive past an unknown time in-between 8-10 PM. He passive and active forcing form seems barely different (even staying awake). She does sleep with me in bed, though. (Not in a sexual way. I do it to practice tactile sensations [touch], and try to keep sex out of it as much as possible so I can touch every inch of her body, and there was no way that could be said in a non-sexual way. That is why I made her a female, by the way - to my fellow straight male friends, "I feel up imaginary girls for meditation" is less weird than "I feel up imaginary boys for meditation".

Summary+Questions
Active forcing is hard, do I need to do it or is passive forcing good enough? Why do I keep falling over, and how do I stop it? Am I dealing with intrusive thoughts or am I repressing my Tulpa's explosive-rage hate? How can I trust in her sentience with tasks? Can she sleep separately to me? If so, am I envisioning her sleep patterns / form wrong (she appears to be awake)?

Malevolent Tulpa?
As I mentioned at the top, Tulpa(s).
Many years ago, like when I was 13 (I'm 16) I had a nervous breakdown or mental breakdown of some sort. Several factors - Depressive feelings, a sensitive demeanour, my Aspergic resistance to schedule change, ass-hole friends and general puberty mood swings caused me to explode (almost all factors have been mitigated, making this unlikely to re-occur) on a school excursion, threatening and nearly strangling a(n ass-hole) friend of mine. This kid had garnered a lot of hate from a lot of people, but he didn't deserve this. The extreme guilt caused me to go almost crazy, stalking him during school with the intention of apologising, suicidal ideation, complete indifference to school, which all snowballed into a major depressive episode, culminating in Sep 22, 2012, the worst day of my life. But it took several months to tell people what else had happened.

I created some kind of voice in my head. It was some kind of old me, or new me, and an increasingly independent guardian that strived to improve me. Unlike the majority of Tulpas, this entity lacked a form or name. At first, he aimed at improving me on a moral level. Already probably as mentally imbalanced as I, he got worse as did. The entity became quite appalled at the 'horrible' person I was, exponentially increasing my guilt. Despite his independence, he never became more than a mind-voice and a head-ache. He became increasingly imbalanced, suggesting I kill myself, keep myself down, and 'find someone who I could trust'. Above all, I could never tell anyone he existed, which was a rule he always had. In the end, it probably lasted a few weeks, but it seemed like forever, suffering such mental pain I could barely think, and believing happiness never even existed. I once told my psychologist he existed, but only of the positive traits. Even as I did this, my head grew cold, began to ache and felt pressure from every side. Considering he only knew of the voice of positive - I could barely tell between mind-voice and real voices, but I'm pretty sure I was exaggerating about it- he suggested I keep, as I'm glad he did (as in, if I had a beneficial voice, he'd let me keep it).

Eventually this culminated on 22nd of September. I barely remember what happened that day. I believe I tried to kill him, and he resisted. Surprisingly, he left on his on accord, saying that I had "2 years to find someone I could trust completely". Since then, I could tell people.

I've gotten a Tulpa since then, and I can say I trust her.

Summary+Questions
When I was depressed, I made a Tulpa-Entity thing with not name or body. He hated me and was crazy and talked about trust a lot. He also hurt me when I told anyone but then he left, was he a Tulpa? Does he still exist? Could he do anything to me, now that I'm mentally stronger? Could my Tulpa be affected, or is Andromeda (stronger/more independent/ created on good terms/ Etc.)?

Ultimate Summary+Questions
I'm weird. She can't decide how to communicate, what's up with that? Why do I fall over a lot, and does my Tulpa hate me? Why can't I always tell if she's asleep? How sentient is she? Did I make an evil Tulpa?
05-09-2014, 11:46 AM
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Beakermate Offline
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#2
 
RE: Intermittent Communication, Sentience Doubts and Malevolent Tulpa

This is common, as it also used to happen to me and a few of my friends. This will end after a certain period of time, but be sure to acknowledge your Tulpa at all times, to not upset her. So let's answer your questions one by one.

1. You are most likely falling from an issue with your Tulpa. This happened to me a few times, but not very often. Have you upset your Tulpa by any chance? Are you ignoring her? I may not be an expert with Tulpamancy, but I can understand some basic things.

2. Your Tulpa may not hate you, but it may be upset. Make sure that you never ignore her, until she becomes completely grown and is able to stay with you subconsciously.

3. It takes a great "bond" to know what your Tulpa is doing 24/7, subconsciously.

4. She isn't completely sentient, but is controlled from the inner side of your brain. You may be able to control these thoughts, depending on how long you have had this Tulpa, and how strong the Wonderland is.

5. I, myself, do not know the answer to this question. I apologize for this inconvenience.
05-09-2014, 12:05 PM
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Leaf Offline
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#3
 
RE: Intermittent Communication, Sentience Doubts and Malevolent Tulpa

(05-09-2014, 11:46 AM)Biokirkby Wrote: Ultimate Summary+Questions
I'm weird. She can't decide how to communicate, what's up with that? Why do I fall over a lot, and does my Tulpa hate me? Why can't I always tell if she's asleep? How sentient is she? Did I make an evil Tulpa? [/align]
For communication, put yourself in her shoes for a minute. Your goal is to get the attention of your host some way or another. Everybody is a little different, some are more visual, some are more linguistic, some are more prone to feelings, etc. However, the method of communication cannot be too ambiguous that your host mistakes it for something else (ie. an intrusive thought or their [host] thought). Using a lot of methods may help establish an initial connection, but it may not be an ideal method.
Try to help her find a way that you will both find as a suitable method (thumps seem a little limited) and try to establish that as a norm. It won't be the same always, but as long as you have something to fall back to I wouldn't worry about it.

I didn't completely understand the falling over part so I will ignore that. Some tulpae sleep and some don't, it varies. For the longest time I thought mine did until I asked them and they said they didn't. xD

Sentience can be reduced to a state of conscious that includes feeling and perceiving. I think that any sort of genuine response would indicate sentience, although I am not well versed in the subject.

As for whether your tulpa is evil or hates you, its based on how you treat her. The easiest way to put it is give her positive energy. If you tend to have low self-esteem, it is easy to assume that your tulpa will also view you similarly. Do not do this. She will at some point or another, develop her own opinions and always remember that she probably cares and loves you more for you then you realize.

Unless you believe, you shall not understand.
05-09-2014, 04:25 PM
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