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[Misc] Regret and Grief over Dead Tulpa
#1
I blame Frank Ocean's "Thinkin Bout You" for this...

Four years (I can't believe it's been that long...) ago, I decided, "I already talk to myself in my head like I'm a different person. Why don't I make, like, an imaginary friend out of that other person?" And within a few weeks, I had a vocal tulpa, and within a few months, he was sentient. I had never heard the word "tulpa" and had no idea what to make of this.

I never told anyone until he was gone. I later swore to never say his name outloud, so I'll call him G. (I use initials for everyone.)

G was my closest friend. He was the first person to call me my new name. He was by my side as I figured out that I wasn't straight and wasn't cisgender. When I spoke with my friends, he was always there too, with commentary that only I could hear.

G thought he was unhealthy for me. I must have created a male alter to cope with the fact that I wanted to be male. We watched documentaries on integration in DID systems. We thought that was the goal for all plurals: to become a singlet.

I wanted G to stay so badly. For over a year, I had convinced myself he was just some form of imaginary friend, but now I thought he was really an alter. I had no amnesia and had never switched, but I thought I had driven myself mad.

I wanted G to stay, but he knew what I was thinking. In our proto-wonderland, he created a pair of scissors that would cut his "essence" out of me. I had also aquired two other thoughtforms (servitors? walk-ins?), a motherly but nagging woman, and a vague shadow entity that never spoke. G used the scissors to "cut" out the woman, then dragged the shadow entity out of my proto-wonderland and decided he'd go with it.

When I tried to speak with him, I would still feel his presence. He would only say, "It's not right for us to talk. I'm not real." Eventually, he dissipated. I was alone in my mind again.

I thought I had gone insane. I told a friend over text, after she moved to another state, and she was greatly upset. She thought the idea of me "hearing voices" and never telling her was terrible. I couldn't explain that G was a source of inner strength and someone that encouraged me, not some evil voice giving me instructions. I decided that I'd never tell people IRL about G. They wouldn't get it.

Luckily, fast-forward two years, I found the tulpamancy community. I have C now (and he's nearly a month old!), but I miss G. I've made it very clear to C, he's not a replacement and nothing like G was. I do think about trying to revive G, sometimes, now that I know what he was.

Thoughts? Has anyone else gone through something like this, dissipating a tulpa because you thought you were crazy, despite no negative effects on your life? Can these tulpae be revived, even after two years of nonexistence?

Edit: Spelling
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#2
This is similar to something that's been affecting me today. A year ago we had to dissipate 3 tulpas due to the fact that our system was too large and it was very bad for our host. Two of those tulpas were barely sentient to begin with, so they just went away like nothing. One of them though... was a lot more developed than they had been, and she was older than one of the tulpas we decided to keep. It took some convincing for her to go, but her presence still creeped up at odd times. I had a dream about her last night, which has caused me some guilt knowing that she didn't deserve to be dissipated, but we can't bring her back because our system has enough tulpas as is, especially when we recently lost one. We can't just replace him like that. Plus, I'm not personally sure if bringing her back would really bring her back, or just create a new tulpa that resembles her and eventually diverges from her original personality. But... that sort of thing might just come down to belief.

I don't really believe that full-on dissipation is possible. The information of a tulpa's existence still exists on your brain, and can be revisited and revived with enough effort. If C becomes developed enough, you could bring back G if you wanted to. It might take a bit of time for him to get used to his revived existence, but that'll eventually pass and things might go to normalcy. If you're at a better place mentally now and understand what tulpas are, he likely won't act out of irrational thought like he used to. In the end it's your decision if you want to bring him back, one that should be thought over carefully and probably wait until C is more developed. If you do bring him back, just mentally be prepared for whatever might happen after that. Even if things seem to go badly at first, given care and persistence I think you'd all be able to pull through and move past what had happened.
I'm Piano Soul, the "Star Man" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa formed January 2017. My systemmates are Apollo & Indigo. Form images: 1 2
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#3
I can't say that i've had this happen, but i'd bet it's no different than losing a friend irl. I can speak from that. It's been four years since i lost my best friend of over a decade to suicide. I can't help but blame myself even now, though i know rationally that there was nothing more i could have done.

A close friend like that is as much a part of you as a tulpa in my opinion. So i can say it does get easier. I think of him a lot less, but he'll always be a part of me. It took a good year before that urge to call him finally stopped. I try when i think of him just to have positive memories. He was quite a character. I know he's not hurting anymore. It's still hard when i do, but there's no sence in dwelling on the past when you have friends and family that need you here now.

Grieving is natural, just don't dwell on it years later. It takes strength to drag yourself out of it, but you have to, to honor them, and the loved ones you have now.
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#4
Honestly, the first thing I thought when I first read what tulpae were, after I realized G was a tulpa, was "Does this mean I can bring him back?" I decided, no, then, I wouldn't try to bring him back.

I've called C by G's name on accident more times than I can count, and it feels as taboo as saying someone else's name during sex... Safe to say, C is not on board with having my old tulpa back around. I don't know how I would make a system of 3 well-developed sentiences work, either.

So, after reading your guys' replies, it's a hard "no" on trying to revive him, at least for a few months. I wouldn't do something like that without C's consent, and there's a host of other concerns with bringing G back...

Thanks for your insights.
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#5
I totally understand this. I have two tulpae right now and, before I really knew what a tulpa was, I had another one, but she's dissipated(?) I suppose. I've told my tulpae about her, about how I feel about the situation, and everything. But with two tulpas.. it would harm her more than anything to bring her back. I don't even know if she can be "revived," so to speak. Best of luck to you and C.
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#6
I don't know if you've seen my recent threads, but Cassidy and I changed our views and he was revived yesterday. Gavin is back, with a new name to reflect his second life. He is still processing what happened, especially the fact that he erroneously thought he was an alter, and that he, in his own words, "killed off" a tulpa-like entity. Surprisingly, he's nearly as strong as he was before he left, although he's been in an (understandably) withdrawn mood.

It was a big decision. I think, back on September 30th when I made this thread, Cassidy and I just need more time. I thought it would be months, but the time came sooner than expected. I think the turning point was when Cassidy, while fronting, watched Aury's (a tulpa's) "Draw My Life" video. He'd been bummed out that no one IRL can know him or see his true form, and that he can only have a relationship with other people while pretending to be me, but he realized that wouldn't be the case if I had multiple tulpas. Cassidy decided to think of Gavin as an older brother, and thank goodness, Gavin was down with it. They're already trying to build a mental chess board so they can play each other in wonderland.

The revival itself only took about five minutes. I think the biggest thing is belief. I thought for years that Gavin was dead, dead, gone and dead, and so he stayed gone and dead. Once I began thinking of him as dormant, like a closed program, I felt like he could be brought back. I go into a bit more detail in my thread "We're three", but the actual day of revival was supposed to be the 19th. Instead, I had momentarily visualized Gavin's form, and when I believed that he could come back and be alive, he started to move.

If I already two tulpas, I don't know what I would have done. Cassidy's main motivation for wanting Gavin back was to have a companion on equal footing with him, a tulpa that sees him as he is. If I had two tulpas already, a third would be a lot of work and the whole system would need more attention. All tulpas are a lot of work.

-J
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