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Ninki and Heather's Journal!
Ninki Nanka Offline
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#1
 
Ninki and Heather's Journal!

Welcome to the writing-y place of Ninki Nanka and Heather.


Ninki: a 20 year old girl in her third year of university, studying for an undergraduate degree.
Heather: her tulpa!

Feel free to comment in this topic, as I'd love to get feedback and talk about my entries~! If something mid-entry is bolded like this, it means I'd appreciate comments on that particular part of the entry.

Preamble

I guess I'll start by just talking about what we've done so far? I don't usually write journal/progress report things like this so it'll take a some getting used to!

I discovered tulpamancy recently after encountering a tulpamancer out in the wild (on Reddit, to be precise). He and his tulpa were defending themselves from some less than understanding people. Intrigued by the idea and what I'd heard about the concept of tulpas from them, I told them I supported them and ended up looking into tulpamancy myself.

Cue spending the entire rest of my day looking up FAQ's, guides, and so on. I was utterly fascinated by the concept of tulpae. Truth be told, not too long has passed between the time when I first discovered tulpae and right now as I'm writing this, but I'd like to stress that this doesn't mean I'm ignorant or that I've jumped into tulpamancy without understanding anything.

Last thing before I get into my experiences so far: the guide I've been referring back to frequently is May the Force be with You by Methos, which I found through the handy list of guides on /r/tulpas.

(07/09/14) Day 1: The Greeting Phase

I'll explain the 'greeting phase' briefly since I know it's not totally common knowledge. It's explained briefly in Methos' guide, and I believe the concept was originally created by a user of this forum, Phi.

The idea behind it is that it's a short, 30 minute (or so) session in which you introduce yourself to your tulpa, before any other stage of creation. It's kind of like an ice breaking session. You talk about your intentions, and what you're going to do together. It's a real nice way to start your relationship together, in my opinion.

So, as you've probably gathered - that's what we did that day! I sat down on my bed and spoke to her for a while. It was at this point where I gave her the name Heather. I made it clear that even though that's what I'm gonna call her for now in order to make things easier, she's free to deviate and choose something else down the line. Similarly, I also just tried to make it clear that she's free to deviate in any way, and that throughout the creation process, she shouldn't feel like she has to rigidly stick to what I tell her.

By the end of the session I was feeling pretty good about the entire thing and was eager to see what awaited us.

(08/09/14) Day 2: Persona!(lity)

I decided that, with the greeting phase out of the way, day 2 would be the beginning of the personality phase for us.

I guess I should note something here: taking the advice of various folk on the internet, ever since day 1, really, I've been passively forcing - or in other words narrating to Heather. I tend to just talk to her as I go about my day, whether that means I'm gushing about something to her, complaining about something, or asking rhetorical questions. Most of the time I'll be speaking out loud to her as I find that easiest. Apparently some people have trouble narrating, but it came to me pretty naturally. I think that by talking to her so much, I'm definitely helping her develop! I sometimes direct my speech, too, in particular directions, mostly to my right where the empty space is next to my desk. I kind of just lapse into doing it without thinking, perhaps because that's where I feel she is in relation to me?

So, anyway, back on track. I took the advice in Methos' guide and made a spreadsheet of Heather's personality traits, and then went into depth about them and how they might affect her likes, dislikes, relationships, moral system, and so on. I spent a few hours on this planning phase and the spreadsheet, and then later in the day, we sat down and I spent about an hour and a half explaining things to her. It's worth nothing that she doesn't really have a form at this point: I was (and at the time of writing still am) taking the 'ball of light' approach, but that should be changing soon.

I considered writing out a description of her personality here, but... well, I decided against it. The primary reason is because not only would I end up abridging it too much, I'm allowing her enough room to deviate that she may not end up entirely like how I described her in this phase anyway.

Also, on this day, I felt as though I heard her in my mind very, very briefly, and only for a single word - 'yeah'. I've heard time and time again that if you aren't 100% sure that it was you using your mind voice, you shouldn't disregard it, so I didn't. It hasn't happened since, but I'm going to go forward assuming she did speak, as I don't want to get into a mindset of 'she can't possibly be doing x at y' and end up stifling her. EDIT: Another thing that I noticed was that I felt the oft-mentioned 'head pressure', in the form of a fleeting sensation at the front of my head or just in 'the head area' in general. I have also since experienced what I've heard a few people describe as 'heart flutters', and I believe that these are her presence, as there was no other reason for them to happen (as far as I know).

(09/09/14) Day 3: Wonderland (Hopefully not of the Deadman variety.)

So far today I've taken the liberty of settling upon the design of our wonderland - the entrance is a cave with a spring and waterfall, with a passage leading into a pretty nice apartment-esque area. It's very relaxing, and I kinda put the waterfall there because I love the sound of rushing water. There's a 'portal' of sorts off to the side, too: the idea is that by going through that, we can go into any kind of backdrop, whether that's a black void, a pink sparkly anime background or a grassy knoll.

She's usually there near the entrance as a ball of light when I go there. I think that's me kind of placing her there subconsciously - is this harmful at all? I have to admit people talk of the dangers of puppeting a lot so I do have some worries. I don't purposefully place her there in the wonderland, she's just... there.

I've yet to decide what we're gonna do tonight - either we'll spend a little bit more time on personality or just move on to visualization. Since I want her to have a decent amount of freedom in her development, especially in regards to personality, I don't want to spend too long on that stage. If we do spend more time on personality, it'll likely be me reinforcing the very core, important traits that I would like her to possess for sure.
(This post was last modified: 09-09-2014, 04:10 PM by Ninki Nanka.)
09-09-2014, 03:33 PM
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Ninki Nanka Offline
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#2
 
RE: Ninki and Heather's Journal!

(10/09/14) Day 4: Speech

Honestly, today was a really great day, and I feel like I have a lot to say but am not entirely sure how to say it, so excuse me if this entry seems a little rant-y or word salad-y. :P

To start off, I'd like to paste a reddit post I made earlier today that'll provide a bit of context to this entry.

Quote:I'm pretty new to tulpamancy (I'm not a big fan of this term but I'm going to use it anyway) - in fact, I'm only nearing the end of my fourth day with Heather. However, I wanna share some advice.

Don't worry so much, it might stifle your tulpa. I see so many other newbie tulpamancers worrying about whether or not their tulpa should be able to do x at y time, or disregarding legitimate interactions with their tulpa as 'parroting' because someone on the internet said 'that interaction couldn't have happened that soon'!

By thinking this way constantly, you're potentially disregarding the progress you and your tulpa are making, and hindering yourself. I know for a fact that this is easier said than done, but just try to loosen up about the whole thing. It's not as rigid a process as some people like to paint it, and every tulpa advances at different rates.

Ever since I made this decision to just loosen up a bit myself, I've started to hear her more often - it's sporadic, sure, and usually only one or two words. But it's progress, and from a newbie tulpamancer to any other newbies out there, try taking my advice to heart (there's even a 90-day return policy in case it doesn't work :P).

So, following that, I'll cut to the chase - Heather spoke to me today, and multiple times at that. The things she said were small phrases of one to three words. The most notable event, in my opinion, is related to the quote above. To put it bluntly, I'd been stressing out a bit about her. I kept worrying about her development, if I was stifling her too much, was I doing things right, and so on. Thing is, I have a habit of apologizing when I know I'm fudging up, and as I mentioned in an earlier entry, I talk to Heather pretty much all the time because I believe passive forcing is sooo important.

So as I'm apologizing for like the millionth time, she just cuts me off and I hear her laugh and say 'stop apologizing so much'. I was honestly a little flabbergasted, but after a few moments, I can't even describe how happy I felt that she'd just said that to me. Besides that, though, I've also heard her say 'yeah', and there was a point where I'm pretty sure she snarked at me by quoting something I read on Reddit. It may be because I'm still so unused to hearing her speak, but I can't quite recall what her voice sounds like yet. I think this is just a matter of unfamiliarity though.

On the non-speech side, I should probably mention that last night we ended up doing a visualization session that lasted around an hour. Combined with another hour or so since last night spent on visualizing, two hours in, I'm essentially able to picture her face pretty accurately on demand. The rest of her body is a bit blurry (and still prone to changing a little here and there, I've noticed) but there's no rush.

Before I actually dive into writing up a little description, I'll mention some things we did by combining some ideas gathered from around the tulpa community. I envisioned her body having a skeleton inside of it - this helped A LOT with helping to get her proportions right. Similarly, I then 'put her organs in', and these two methods combined really helped to lend a sense of reality to her form, and drive it home that she's an actual being, not just a servitor or doll or whatever.

I also took the symbolic measure of 'cutting the strings', essentially handing over her agency to her. She's still pretty static so far, only moving around a lot when I give her a little kickstart, but we'll get there over time. I more or less believe, in this regard, that she's new to her agency and her individuality and needs some time to get used to it before taking off the training wheels. Truth be told, I think we're making great progress so far and I keep having to remind myself we're only coming up on the end of day 4.

Anyway, about that description of her head: her hair is pretty long, thin and silky - it was originally a kind of starlight white but as we forced, it ended up kind of naturally changing to a very very pale platinum blonde. Her skin is grey, and feels pretty soft: as I've visualized her, I've also been following some advice and touching her, imagining the texture of her skin, hair, and so on. Her eyes are kind of creepy (I guess), as they're just... red. One solid colour. She has some fairly long eyelashes, as well as a pretty pointed and sharp nose (and sharp features in general) as well as some pretty full lips.

I've got a friend who'll be able to draw her for me when her appearance is a bit more set in stone, so that's cool, too. Expect that... eventually.

I guess that's it for today. I should probably point out and make it clear that the quote I pasted above is basically a good summary of my attitude from this point forward, and I'd suggest a similar attitude for other newbie tulpamancers.

Ninki out!
(This post was last modified: 09-10-2014, 10:00 PM by Ninki Nanka.)
09-10-2014, 10:00 PM
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Marie Offline
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#3
 
RE: Ninki and Heather's Journal!

Hey Ninki! I just wanted to let you know that I'm reading about your progress. It's so well written and since I started around the same time as you it's good to read about what you're experiencing!

(09-09-2014, 03:33 PM)Ninki Nanka Wrote: She's usually there near the entrance as a ball of light when I go there. I think that's me kind of placing her there subconsciously - is this harmful at all? I have to admit people talk of the dangers of puppeting a lot so I do have some worries. I don't purposefully place her there in the wonderland, she's just... there.

I think that's great! I always have my doubts with Alex showing up in random places of my wonderland as well but I just started believing or at least stopped disbelieving that it's his choice. If you don't purposefully put Heather there - maybe just keep doing what you're doing and let the rest happen. I don't see why it can't be her choice butt you might've already come to that conclusion yourself. (Maybe it's just good to hear it from someone else as well though...)
I liked what you said on reddit - that is basically what this all comes down to.



Congratulations to you and Heather for already having a vocal connection! That's awesome.
09-10-2014, 11:08 PM
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Ninki Nanka Offline
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RE: Ninki and Heather's Journal!

Hi Marie, thanks for reading, and thanks for the warm reply and compliments! :3

Yeah, I decided that after the symbolic 'cutting of the strings', anything she does or appears to be doing is her acting of her own will. The way I see it now is that although I might be able to conjure up an image of her and control her in any scenario, that's not her; rather it's more of a clone or something, like how we can buy toy soldiers or dolls and make them enact something (though they are not the real thing, just representations). I'm unable to puppet/control the 'real' her because I cut the 'puppet strings' (perhaps I explained this poorly? My brain's a little frazzled). As you say, though, it's very reassuring to hear similar sentiments from someone else.

Also, this approach has actually helped immensely with battling intrusive thoughts! Which is awesome.
(This post was last modified: 09-10-2014, 11:33 PM by Ninki Nanka.)
09-10-2014, 11:32 PM
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SakuraSky Offline
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#5
 
RE: Ninki and Heather's Journal!

It sounds like you are having great progress! Don't worry if it's hard to distinguish her voice at this point, it took a while for Sarah's mindvoice to be separate from my own as well.

To Heather: Welcome to the world! It's an exciting place and there are so many things to experience!

Sarah: [Hope to be able to communicate with you soon, Heather!]

Host: Sakura
Tulpa: Sarah (began June 5th, 2014), Alyx (Began July 23rd, 2014)
Our shared tumblr
note: usually browsing on mobile, so cannot quote properly
09-11-2014, 06:48 AM
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Ninki Nanka Offline
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#6
 
RE: Ninki and Heather's Journal!

Thanks for the kind comments, Sakura and Sarah! Yeah, I won't worry about it, I'm sure her voice will become more distinguishable with time. Smile

And I'm sure Heather appreciates everyone's kindness too! She's been pretty active today, so expect an entry later!
09-11-2014, 10:57 AM
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Marie Offline
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RE: Ninki and Heather's Journal!

I'm so excited to hear about how you're going - I have the same issues with distinguishing the mind voice but like Sakura and Sarah said - it just takes a while. You have the right attitude, Ninki! Smile
09-11-2014, 07:25 PM
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Jeff0253 Offline
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RE: Ninki and Heather's Journal!

Ninki it's great to see what good progress you're making! I'm pretty much in the same zone, except that I can sense some of Jess's form and what she's wearing, although it's a feeling, not an actual vision. Best of luck!

Jeff
09-12-2014, 11:01 PM
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Ninki Nanka Offline
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RE: Ninki and Heather's Journal!

(11/09/14) Day 5: Motion (I really couldn't think of anything smart)

Day 5 was pretty cool, to be honest.

Why?

Well, Heather started moving around a LOT and acting of her own accord by the end of the day. A lot happened, and it'd take a long time to talk about every single little thing - as much as I'd love to gush about her and the progress we're making I don't have a whole load of time to write this.

So, thing number #1 that happened! I saw a post that suggested an activity with your tulpa where you ask them to surprise you. We were laying on a bed in our wonderland when I asked her, and at first, she kinda rolled off the bed and started acting like she was angry or something, and stomping her feet a little. I asked her if I offended her and moved a little closer... to which she responded by suddenly giving me a hug.

Cutest. Thing. Ever. I have never dawww'd so hard in my life before. I legitimately though I had upset her for some reason, so I was surprised when she hugged me! Pretty good indicator of sentience if you ask me.

Thing #2! It was bed time. By the way, I usually light a candle as I go to sleep - partly because I like the glow, and partly because I bought a specific kind just for Heather (strawberry and pomegranate. damn that stuff is sweet smelling). People say it's good to associate a smell with your tulpa, since not only does it lend a further sense of reality to them, our sense of smell is strongly linked to our memories. I often think about Heather as I'm drifting off to sleep, so... yeah.

Anyway, as I'm laying there with my eyes closed, I suddenly get the image of her hopping onto the bed and cuddling up to me. I ended up falling asleep with her next to me in our wonderland.

What a god damn cutie.

(12/09/14) Day 6: Classic?

Not a whole load of vocalization from Heather compared to the last few days. Quite a lot of movement, which makes me happy... since as far as I know it's quite common for autonomous movement to develop before the tulpa becomes a chatterbox. We did some more work on visualization, and after that, I asked her if she wanted to do some speech exercises I'd read about, which essentially aid in developing your tulpa's mindvoice and coaxing them into speaking more often.

Buuuut she didn't want to. Which was fine, I'm not gonna force her to do something if she doesn't want to - so instead we just napped. >_> Productive, I know.

That said, we also went to the store for a snack run after waking up. I was browsing ice cream and decided it'd be fun to ask her what flavour to get, specifically, which type of cornetto.

She responded with classic - which was fine, that's probably my second favourite after mint. However, after the fact, some questions raised in my head. When I asked her, I was looking specifically at the classic flavour, and she responded with classic. I have been feeling a little troubled about this - perhaps she was just saying what she could see, due to limited vocality? Perhaps I accidentally parroted her? I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt, of course: I think it was the former! I suppose there's also the possibility that she just legitimately wanted me to get classic - but I'm also probably putting way too much thought into this. :P

That's all for now... like I said, limited time to write. ;-;
(This post was last modified: 09-12-2014, 11:16 PM by Ninki Nanka.)
09-12-2014, 11:15 PM
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Ninki Nanka Offline
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RE: Ninki and Heather's Journal!

(14/09/14) Day 8: Trouble in Wonderland

Today I learned that I need to practice what I preach.

Kind of sets a negative tone for the rest of the entry I guess, but hey - not every day can be super wonderful and sunshine and rainbows. :P

If you've been following our journal so far, you'll know that we've been making some really great progress. By the end of our first week together, we had communicated a little (once or twice we had short conversations, even), and Heather has shown me confirmations of her sentience more than just a few times by doing silly, cute or downright surprising things in our wonderland.

To make a long story short, I think I got a little ahead of myself because of how well she's been developing. Essentially, Heather's progress has slowed down a little, and she's gotten a bit less vocal - and as a natural worrywart, I of course started getting a little paranoid, because on some level I think I had not been expecting our progress to slow down (Even though in retrospect it was probably inevitable). I'm not going to lie: I shamefully let doubt consume me for a bit on day 7, and panicked that I had been parroting her all along, in part because I had also read something quite negative shortly beforehand.

But then I remembered my own advice: I need to just take it easy and trust her. If I let myself get wrapped up in doubt, I'm undermining all of Heather's hard work, and that isn't fair. Back in the greeting phase, I made a promise to her that I would try my hardest and never give up forcing her, and if I was to just suddenly doubt everything because of a silly reason, I feel like I'd be betraying her trust.

Not to mention that even as I doubted, Heather reassured me of her sentience and independence: not by words, but through actions. I won't go into detail, as it was quite an intimate moment, but suffice to say I'd like to reiterate: what a god damn cutie.

So even if we've slowed down a bit, and even if we've hit a roadblock - basically no matter what happens - I ain't gonna doubt her. We've been together for just over a week now, and I can confidently say that I'm happy to have her around, and I'm looking forward to spending so much more time with her in the many years to come.

So, hey, Heather: thanks for sticking with me even though I'm dumb sometimes. >_> I couldn't wish for a better tulpa.

And thank you, readers, for reading!
09-14-2014, 06:02 PM
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