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Of Seafood and Flowers
#1
Oh geez... where do I even start with something like this? I guess a bit about myself is in order. I'm a 19 year old guy that bides a lot of his free time playing video games; shocking, I know. I stumbled upon the concept of tulpas (and consequently this site) about a year and a half ago. I've lurked most of that time learning the in's and out's and working up the nerve to quit pussy-footing around and start. I'm still rather... scared (for lack of better word), but I took the plunge August 10th and had my first forcing session.

I spent a lot of time (read: an hour) before hand laying in bed agonizing over a name. I was trying to avoid something that I would associate with another person or character to avoid forcing any preconcepted ideas onto my tulpa. I eventually settled on Tulip; nice and neutral and rolls off the tongue nicely. I spent the entirety of the session banging out a form: Shoulder length blonde hair with a sunflower tucked behind her left ear, green eyes, a simple black hoodie with a white undershirt, a pair of good 'ol blue jeans, a pair of blue and white flats, and at some point I thought yellow nail polish would look nice. Not bad for a beginner, I think.

I had my first... moment you could call it, a few a days later (I neglected to jot down the date). I was sitting there talking to Tulip about memories I have about beaches (fitting, since our wonderland is currently a slice of beach, works well since my white noise of choice is beach-y). My concentration was waning so I figured we would go work on visualizing her form better to get it back. I was looking at her hands, and I noticed her nails were painted a dark purple. At some later point I was fiddling with her hair and brushed it away from her ears to reveal a pair of gold hoop ear-rings: something I'd never even considered. I almost completely lost my concentration after that, and I had a hard time sleeping afterwards because I was so excited!

She surprised me this past Friday as well! Since the Thursday before, I'd been have a hard time visualizing her. I lay down to force and everything was just... fuzzy; I would get her in focus for maybe 5 seconds max until the idea popped into my head that she wanted a major overhaul. I kinda sat there uselessly flitting in and out of concentration for a while until I had the bright idea to just calm down and let her guide me. That did the trick.

Her new form came to me in an instant. Messy black hair, deep golden eyes, a black with gold trim Yukata, a distinct lack of footwear, and (a bit unexpectedly) a much darker skin tone (think Mahogany). I asked her if I had gotten everything right and if there was anything I missed, not expecting a response at this point. Instead, I felt a wave of happiness wash over me so hard I just sat there with a big dumb grin on my face for a minute or two. She repeated herself when I ended the session with a hug and a kiss on the forehead. I slept like a baby despite how hype I was that I got contact in such a concrete way; I'd always imagined my tendency to doubt myself would get in the way.

Anyway, we're all caught up, and that's a big enough wall of text for one post. Thanks for reading.
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#2
That's great progress! It seems similar to what happened with Sarah. I initially created her as a 12-14 year old elf like girl with long brown hair and green eyes (to be like a little sister to me). She decided she wasn't having any of that, and became a 17year old Japanese girl with short-ish black hair. Just about the only thing she kept was the green eyes.

Keep in mind she may continue to change. Since then Sarah has had periods of deviation like having blue hair for a while, and changing her clothing sometimes.

Good luck with everything! Sounds like you are doing great!
Host: Sakura
Tulpa: Sarah (began June 5th, 2014), Alyx (Began July 23rd, 2014)
Our shared tumblr
note: usually browsing on mobile, so cannot quote properly
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#3
Thanks Sakura! I always made it a point to reaasure her that I'd be happy with whatever she liked. Looks like she took it to heart.

Whoo! Two weeks and some change. Get hype. Been on some ups and downs since last time, so I guess I'll start with the good. I had the most productive and genuinely enjoyable forcing session to date on Sunday the 24th. I was lazy the day before hand and skipped out on forcing for the day, but Tulip had been a busy girl.

I entered the wonderland expecting to find her standing around on the beach as per usual, but I was instead greeted by a dog. He/she/it was rather out of foucs; (aside from the general red/brown color of it's coat). I putzed around with it for a moment before setting off to find Tulip. I figured the big-ass lighthouse that totally wasn't there before was a solid guess.

I looked inside; it was rather... cottage-y inside; there were a couple bookshelves, an old timey stove, a table with a couple chairs, a nice green area rug in the middle of the room. Everything had a rustic, handmade feel to it. I discovered Tulip asleep on a (rather dingy, considering the rest of the room) mattress just sitting on the floor. I called her name and poked at her for a minute before figuring she was tuckered out from all of the work she did (plus the fact is was almost 1 in the morning).

I was in the middle of a detailed examimation of the rug, getting ready to just call it a night, when Tulip hugged me from behind and caused me to lose my balance and fall over. Even though I couldn't get much focus on her face (still workin' on it), I got a distinct "shit-eating grin" vibe from her. We hugged it out and went upstairs to watch the ocean while we (I) talked a bit. We eventually moved on to visualization for a bit (her choice) until she got tired and I put her back to bed for the night.

Now comes both the bad and the ugly. Ever since then I've been plagued with worry and doubt about damn near everything. My biggest hang-up is when I read through other's reports and such and I read about them "feeling" their tulpa. Ever since I started I've been focused on what I think I "should" be feeling based on others, and I end up ignoring what I'm [b]actually[b/] feeling. That leads me to go back and doubt everything I thought that happened. I swear it's like there's a gremlin hanging out in the back of my head planting little seeds of fear and worry to fuck me over.

I think it's been taking a toll on Tulip as well. I've been having trouble visualizing her since this started on Monday. She likely doesn't appreciate having all of her hard work dismissed so easily. I was talking with her in the shower last night about it and I suddenly felt just... aggitated and upset and started venting out loud when I was previously using my mindvoice (thankfully nobody else was around). My very next thought was immidiately dismissive, I couldn't really control it. I decided to take the night off from forcing to give us both time to cool off.

I feel foolish after seeing everything typed out, but I'm still rather worried about my percieved inability to feel Tulip. It's quite likely that it's just natural at this point and I end up blocking her out when I think on it like this. I know all of this, but it still nags at me. I'll take the next couple days slowly and try to practice reaching out to Tulip and feeling her to quell a bit of my fear. Wish me luck.
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#4
Well, here we are again; another week gone by. If I had to sum up this past week in a singular word, it'd be "lazy", no contest. I spent very little time even thinking about Tulip, forget any semblance of real passive forcing and/or narration. Sitting down to actively spend time with her was even worse; damn near every night I would sit down and try to get started and then just turn the hell over and go to sleep. I still feel like a giant ass about it.

Despite all that, this impromptu "break" of mine ended up quelling my doubts quite a bit. It afforded me the chance to feel what it's like to not have Tulip around at all. The best comparison that comes to mind is getting used to having a dog around and having it taken away for a while; it didn't provide much in the way of conversation, but you just feel... alone. Not exactly the best feeling, but my paranoia of not feeling Tulip is gone; her absence is a lot louder than her presence.

On a brighter note, I'm fairly confident she's "said" her first words. During one of the times I quit procrastinating and actually sat down to do something useful, I was feeling unusually focused during a bit of meditiation, so I asked Tulip to give her all and try to get something through to me. At first I got nothing, then I got a growing feeling of frustration from her; we were close, but something was still in the way. We took a quick break before giving it one last shot.

I got back into the zone and... got nothing. Just as I was about to completely give up my focus and move on, a tiny thought I nearly glossed over got through; "Listen up". Rather fitting, isn't it?

Here I was intending this post to be less... wall-ish, but apparently I love to ramble. Anyways, that's enough out of me for now. Thanks for reading, have a good day, all that jazz.
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#5
Just checking in with a bit of news this time; not really forward progress per se, but things are happening nonetheless. Had a bit of trouble visualizing Tulip for a bit, her hair kept ending up blurry and I had a hard time not seeing her without a red pair of glasses. I took a long hard look, and lo and behold, she seems to have wanted another overhaul.

This time she chose a shorter Bob haircut, aforementioned glasses, a change back to her older green eyes and fairer skin, a lab coat with a collared white shirt and a tie underneath, and an army green-ish pleated skirt that comes down to the middle of her thighs. Interestingly enough, she avoided footwear again, must not like shoes.

That's about it for now, folks.
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#6
Amanda changes a little every time I visualize her. Her haircut varies a lot and her clothes have changed a couple of times.

Maybe she's voluntarily deviating... or maybe I'm just bad at visualizing and remembering her form.
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#7
I find when it's suddenly hard to see part of a tulpa that you could previously see clearly it's usually because they want to change something about their appearance or aren't sure about it (at least in my experience)
Host: Sakura
Tulpa: Sarah (began June 5th, 2014), Alyx (Began July 23rd, 2014)
Our shared tumblr
note: usually browsing on mobile, so cannot quote properly
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