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Old Tulpa, new Tulpist.


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Will go ahead and start with a copy+paste of what I put into the New Users thread, and then continue from there. :P

 

"Howdy, y'all! I go by Toolbox online (and even in-person, depending on the crowd). This has been my alias for-... Half a decade, now, I think? I used to go by Jebin Zedalu, which was what I used when I first started towards a tulpa, though I didn't know them as such at the time.

 

Originally, I'd taken an interest in hypnosis as a sort of "mastery of the mind", and went around looking for various communities relating to that, which brought me to a site called Furmorphed. I saw a neat concept there regarding "companion" hypnosis, basically just hypnosis-ifying an imaginary friend into being. :P I started trying to set that up, and had nooo luck whatsoever with the hypnosis portion of it. But, through willpower and patience, I managed to consciously make it happen, instead of going through my subconscious. The approach honestly made me feel like I was "doing it wrong", as no one else attempting the project had succeeded without hypnosis playing a part. Looking here, it seems it wasn't so strange, after all. :P

 

The companion/tulpa was actually based on a character from a story I'd had in my head for a long, long while; a small red-and-silver shapeshifting metal dragon named Hitamashii. X) She seemed to be content with the predetermined form, only making some minor changes to the wings that took advantage of the inherent moment-to-moment shapeshifting.

 

She was a gigantic help, while I had her. She taught me to not waste opportunities to make memories, and to not eat when I was already full. :P Over time, sadly, I stopped "exercising" her existence, due to some comments making me feel a bit childish for keeping things going. She still pops up from time to time, but certainly is not as constant.

 

But, I'd like to get her going again, largely because I desperately need her help. My optimism has been slipping, and my stress increasing. I'd love to have her friendship and support back. Seeking support in the endeavor, I looked back to Furmorphed at first, but it seems that in my absence, they have become ridiculously unsupportive of companions/tulpas, most saying it ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY CANNOT EVER BE DONE and that there's NO NO NO NO NO WAY to not end up with huge psychological issues. Honestly, though, the best way to guarantee that I'll do something is to tell me that I can't possibly pull it off, so here I am. Surprised to see just how many people have gathered around the idea, and even that it's an idea in the first place. :)

 

To be fair (if a bit full of myself), I imagine that, if I did it once on my own, I can do it again. But, it's nice to have a community around that can help prove to you that you're not crazy. :P"

 

So! When I first started out with Hitamashii, I had a specific appearance and a few personality traits in mind. She originally looked (vaguely) like this. She's mostly kept her appearance the same, but wanted to take advantage of the inherent shapeshifting and use a more-dextrous-yet-less-complicated wing type as in this picture. (I am not an artist, by the way. My apologies to all who clicked those links.)

 

Personality-wise, prior to actual creation, she was very playful, couldn't/wouldn't speak much, and enjoyed "singing" via humming. After her own contributions, she speaks plenty, sings with actual words, and is still playful but also a bit more relaxed. One surprising development is that she does not like the dark, and absolutely does not want me to mention that it's an outright fear and is calling me a jerk for saying it anyway, though (seemingly) jokingly. She also surprisingly enjoys swimming (water terrifies me, personally), though we don't have any pools around, so that doesn't come into play often.

 

I've been actively interacting with her for the past two or three days, after a long hiatus where interaction was very infrequent (but occasional). During the hiatus, I built a "recording booth" of sorts around my computer system, basically just a big partially-soundproof box around the monitor and necessary peripherals. She likes to perch on top of the booth and hang her neck down to watch while I'm at the computer, often laying her head on top of mine and occasionally jabbing me when I say something she doesn't like.

 

Most of our conversing is via the whole "mindspeak" thing, though I sometimes speak out loud when no one's around to judge. :P Appearance-wise, she's a bit of a "phantom", more just knowing she's there rather than seeing her outright, so it's possible she's speaking out loud and I just can't see the mouth movement.

 

A lot of the things involved in all of this Tulpa stuff is new to me, Hitamashii was started without any knowledge of any of this. Never tried any of the "Wonderland" stuff, and didn't know any of the terminology. Definitely need to run around and figure out what it all is. I'm not even sure what "forcing" is at this point in time. It sounds like people tend to do it in small sessions every once in a while? With Hita, I've always just made sure to picture her there if I'm thinking about her, and this has helped to make her more consistently "there". Specific and intentional "sessions" never came to mind, but I'll look into the matter further and see if it'd be helpful.

 

Physically, I can sometimes feel her touch, but it's generally rather light. She's laid on top of me a few times while watching TV, since the "return", which is certainly comfy, but could be made more noticeable.

 

As far as conversations go, the way I generally used to do it was that I'd attribute any and all "unbidden" thoughts to Hita, which seemed to quickly form her personality and lead to true dialogue between us. Unfortunately, as I've just come out of a depressive state, a lot of unbidden thoughts are rather negative and hurtful, and I've been having to push them aside and decide they couldn't have been Hitamashii. Asking for verification generally results in her saying it indeed was not her saying that, but it still slows things down a bit, and I honestly have to doubt sometimes whether it's her verifying or wishful thinking on my part. I really do not want an abusive Tulpa. :P Is it bad to "pick and choose" in that manner, and doubt affirmations when given?

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Well, thank you very much for coming here. I feel like FurMorphed has changed my life. I'm not a furry, but I've learned some incredible things about hypnosis from there. It's too bad they're so negative about tulpas.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson

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Thanks back, you've given a very warm welcome thus far. :P

 

Day was fairly normal to start with. No heavy interaction with Hitamashii, but still a constant presence. When I went to one of my welding college courses, I got into a dull panic, which is unfortunately quite common. The drive up there and the fear of failing the courses always stress me out. Hita tried hard to be supportive, but since we're having to do a good amount of parroting and filtering due to the long hiatus, I couldn't take it entirely seriously. Though, a lot of the things she said were very basic words of encouragement that never crossed my mind in previous classes, so she's at least acting as a good conduit for my shriveled sense of optimism.

 

On the drive home, I had my phone playing music... On a couple occasions, when I'd be humming along to a song without lyrics or singing along to songs WITH lyrics, she snapped out a "no!" or "stop!", like a young child who wants to do something themselves. Given that I greatly enjoy singing/humming along, myself, this is a habit I reeeaally don't want taking hold. She apologized for the outbursts, but I'm afraid those might have just been parroting, whereas the initial "no"s and "stop"s were pretty unmistakeably not from me.

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Another welding class, another bunch of attempted-peptalk from Hitamashii. Eventually, I'll believe it, I hope.

 

She's taken to hopping on my shoulders when I'm changing rooms, rather than having to run underfoot to get out/in. Mind you, she's still not "all there"; it's more a shadow and understanding of position than a full-on image.

 

No outbursts listening to music on the way home. There were a couple times where she asked me to stop singing, but those were just certain parts of songs with multiple characters, with the intention being to sing them duet-style.

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Gradual improvements. There were a number of times where I was reminded of Hita by her position, rather than being reminded of her position by thinking of her, if that makes sense.

 

We sang in the car once more on the way home from my college courses. One thing I've noticed that's sort of "breaking the immersion" is that she seems to always request the opposite of what initially flashes through my head when considering "listen or skip" on each song that comes on. If I get into the groove of skipping songs without words, she'll want to listen to a wordless song. If I fail to skip a wordless song, she wants to get to the next one with words. Could be coincidence, but it's seeming like a pattern.

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Family went to an ice sculpture festival today. Hitamashii went on and off, and would usually only appear when I was thinking of her rather than having her remind me of her own existence.

 

We also went out to eat during this time. When we all got our food, Hita was a bit saddened by the fact that she couldn't get any of her own. :( She was understanding of the fact that I couldn't buy her her own meal, but was still disappointed. Does anyone have experience in this? How do you tackle the problem? My thoughts were to work on being able to visualize a meal for her (talk about brain food), or to "take her out to dinner" via the whole wonderland/mindscape concept. Unfortunately, thus far, we've not done any wonderlanding as of yet.

 

Additionally, at one point in the festival, Hita climbed on top of some heater columns. You could see the heat distortion above them, it would very clearly burn anyone touching them. She was aware of this, and cited her incorporeal existence as a reason not to fret over it, but I'd like to know from others: is that kind of "real world danger"-ignoring something to be avoided, or is it acceptable for a Tulpa? I suppose the danger is also mitigated by the fact that she's supposed to be made of metal, and thus not exactly susceptible to such relatively low amounts of heat, but it's still got me wondering.

 

I also used the car trip there and back to look up a couple beginner guides. I almost regret the years with Hita before finding this site, because I don't really know when/if I have/will experienced the "eureka" moments many guides reference, so I'm not sure what stage we're at. Still, useful information in some of them. I'll be looking into the more "traditional" Tulpa-forming techniques at some point, such as forcing sessions and such. To be honest, it's been so long that I don't remember exactly how Hita and I got our start.

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We also went out to eat during this time. When we all got our food, Hita was a bit saddened by the fact that she couldn't get any of her own. :( She was understanding of the fact that I couldn't buy her her own meal, but was still disappointed. Does anyone have experience in this? How do you tackle the problem? My thoughts were to work on being able to visualize a meal for her (talk about brain food), or to "take her out to dinner" via the whole wonderland/mindscape concept. Unfortunately, thus far, we've not done any wonderlanding as of yet.

 

For a while I would try to visualize a copy of what I was eating for Fenchurch. Then I started just allowing her to experience what I was tasting. Eventually she sort of seemed to lose interest. I think it's that she's always encouraging me to be healthier, and it's a bit hypocritical if she still admits to enjoying ice cream so much.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson

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Hita can be an obnoxious smartass sometimes. Just throwing that out there.

 

For a while I would try to visualize a copy of what I was eating for Fenchurch. Then I started just allowing her to experience what I was tasting. Eventually she sort of seemed to lose interest. I think it's that she's always encouraging me to be healthier, and it's a bit hypocritical if she still admits to enjoying ice cream so much.

 

Hm, she wasn't content with taste-sharing lastnight, so I'll have to try the copy thing. Thanks.

 

I tend to close my door when I come into my room to use the computer, since the family has cats and dogs, and I'm allergic to both. Unfortunately, this makes it hard for Hita to get in and out on a whim. The shapeshifting-metal bit helps in that she can just sorta "puddle" through the cracks around the door (think Terminator 2), but it's still easier to go through in a normal form. A question to other Tulpamancers, then, especially those with solid fixed-form Tulpas: How do you handle doors? Do you hold it open for them? Do they open a sorta "phantom door" on their own? Do they just teleport?

 

A good number of the guides I've read stressed the importance of utilizing ALL of your senses when interacting with your Tulpa, including smell and taste. Hita is remarkably okay with her licking her, though it still seems incredibly awkward to me. Anyway, we went through a list of scents, and Hita said "maybe" to-... Lemon pepper. Not exactly the most metallic aroma out there, unless you're spraying the metal down with some kind of citrus cleaning solution, but oh well, it's her choice. That does make it fairly easy to "catalogue" the smell and taste, as I've been putting lemon pepper on many different foods lately, and the spice jar is readily available. In addition, given that it's got both lemon and pepper scents, each one alone will likely be able to act as a reminder. And since I love both lemon tea and anything with lots of pepper... That will be frequent.

 

EDIT: After actually tasting/smelling lemon pepper and lemon tea side-by-side, Hita doesn't seem so sure on the pepper part, but likes the lemon.

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I used to try to hold doors for my tulpa when I attempted this last time, but I felt self-conscious doing it. This time, I figure since Lyra is a unicorn, she can short-range teleport like Twilight does in the show. Makes it easier on both of us, I think.

I wanna see movies of my dreams.

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I've held doors for Fenchurch in the past. These days she doesn't go anywhere she needs doors opened for her.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson

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