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Oops, All Jamie | Exploring the Workings of a Fragmented Host
#1
[WIP: a guide to this increasingly messy thread will go here]
Three brothers. [Progress Report] [Art] [Oops! All Jamie]

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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#2
   

Labels? Who needs them! Well, labels allow people to group experiences and find commonalities and pool resources   

Listen. I didn't have the term "tulpa" in my first life. DID was this vague, spooky, clinical thing. OSDD? Never heard of it. I lived my life with few labels around plurality, and it wasn't easy, there were a lot of bad conclusions drawn out of ignorance, but it had its upsides. Can't I just be Gavin again? I was really one-of-a-kind. It meant that Jamie and I had no idea what my abilities were, but it also meant no expectations for what my abilities should or should not be. No idea what I was, but no expectations for what I should or should not be. But, I knew who I was. 

Here, I'm not a tulpa or an alter or anything else, alright? Just Gavin. 


Storytime With Gavin (Context)

(Massive textwall alert)
Content warning: mention of depressed/suicidal thinking, general crappy childhood, mentions of sexual abuse, manipulation, and again, it's a big textwall.
When Jamie was 7 years old he lost his father in a sudden, unexpected, and distressing way, though not an especially uncommon way. Before this event, there was a moderate amount of other stressors within the family that are more private and I'm not going into here, and that Jamie did not quite understand the reasons for until he was much older. After the event, there were many more clear stressors within the family. He spent a lot of days in his grandparent's house. His mother was depressed and remains depressed, though less so now. I remember her saying to Jamie at around the age of 10, "If I didn't care so much about you kids, I would probably have killed myself by now." I.e. to a child's ears, "If you stop being good or aren't well-behaved, I'll have no reason to live and kill myself." They were broke and in serious danger of losing the home several times. Much of this, Jamie minimized. A lot of it was just... normal. Nothing else to compare it to. 
Doesn't every kid know to go hide in their room if they see a red letter stuck in the screen door? Dark SUVs are just scary. Lots of kids have younger siblings they clean after, what's the difference, scrubbing your grandmother's accidents out of the carpet? 

I remember stepping out of the bathroom of Jamie's grandparent's house and seeing Jamie from above, like a camera on the ceiling. And Jamie thought, "Huh, that's weird." And he thought, very memorably... "I should not tell anyone about that." 

Soon after, he began to hear narrating voices. They were pretty neutral, they just... watched. And narrated. They would speak like this: 

Quote:He's brushing his teeth. He's putting away the glass. He's drying his hands. He's touching the doorknob. He's shutting the door, and then he walks into the bedroom. From the bedroom, he goes out into the living room. He yawns. It is morning. He goes to his room to get his bag. He opens the door. He walks into his bedroom and finds his bag on the floor. He stops to pick up a pencil that has dropped out. He takes the pencil and puts it back into the bag. He picks up the bag and hangs it on his shoulder. He walks out of his bedroom and goes into the kitchen. He's preparing for school. [etc]

They were not hallucinations, just mindvoice, often from "behind" him, though they did not have much if any presence. I have more memories of seeing Jamie from a 3rd person POV, from this stage. Walking down the stairs. Stepping onto the bus. Winning a raffle. Shaking a teacher's hand. Dozens more, all from distant camera POVs... while Jamie remembers these memories from 1st person POV. 

In 4th grade a bad friendship started. The summer between 4th and 5th grade some child-on-child sexual abuse happened. 5th grade, Jamie developed a serious phobia of handwriting and could not write by hand, outside of his signature and numbers, for the next four years. 6th grade the contact with that girl ended. 7th grade, there was a pretty bad situation in Jamie's 2nd hour Algebra class. 

The teacher would push him to write (akin to pushing someone deathly afraid of harmless-they-can't-bite! spiders to go sit in a box of them) and would chastise him in front of the class when, surprise, he didn't "obey." After several weeks of spending a half hour crying each day in front of the class, she moved him out to a supply closet two doors down. There was a table, four chairs, and some storage shelves. Every day, he would come into class, listen to the lecture, and get the worksheet packet. The teacher would come after in a few minutes and say, "Have you decided to work today?" Jamie would freeze. She would pick up the paper and say, "You haven't even started." Then he would cry, and she would take him to the supply closet. (Later, he learned to say, "No, I haven't done any work," and she would take him straight to the closet, no tears involved.)

He would sit down at the table. At first he would put his head down and cover his eyes, but she would say, "No, sit up." So he would sit up and face forward and she would stand to his side or behind him and yell at him. And then she would leave him with the worksheet packet and tell him to come back if he chose to work. And at first he would stare at the worksheet packet and cry because he couldn't write, and he would sit and bite his arms until they bled all over, and he learned if he cried too loud, the teacher would come and shut the door and that was MUCH worse, so, he would be quiet. And he wasn't supposed to hide his face, so he would sit up. And he wasn't supposed to bite himself ("attention-seeking") so he would sit still. And he learned if he stayed perfectly still for five minutes, the lights would turn off. So he would move the worksheet packet out of his line of sight, sit up straight, stare into the wood grain of the table and remain perfectly still until the lights went off, generally for a half-hour each day, 2nd hour. 

When the bell rung, Jamie would go back into the room and get his bag, and the teacher would ask, "Did you do any work?" And he would say "No ma'am." Sometimes she would keep him after class (which always made Jamie cry again), but the less emotional he was when he said, "No, I didn't do any work," the less likely she was to keep him. If Jamie admitted that he was just being defiant and refusing to work, then, she'd just give up on him. It was when he cried (crocodile tears), or showed emotion (faking, being hysterical), or acted like he cared (acting), that he was really being manipulative, because clearly if he cared, he'd be doing work. There was no reason he couldn't write, to her. And when he was manipulative, she had to set the record straight and tell him how she saw right through the act, and she knew what was really going on, what he was really doing.

And he lived in a HAZE of dissociation and derealization. He was full of strange thoughts like, "I'm not real. I can't interact with life itself. I don't think I feel emotion. I don't think I actually feel alive at all. If souls exist, maybe I just don't have one and I'm just an empty shell of a human. Maybe I'm a deluded ghost who thinks this is reality. I could be a character in a TV show right now. Reality feels just as real as the reality of some book or something. I don't think any time has actually passed, ever. I don't think I've ever felt fear. Why do people react to emotions? Can't they just... not? I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. When I look at my hands, I might as well be dead because it doesn't feel like I'm alive. My mind is like a rock because rocks don't have minds. I feel like my mind is a balloon tied to my body with a very long string. I don't think I feel anything. I wonder if I've ever felt an emotion. Maybe I'm a sociopath?" He was known among his friends for forgetting what class hour it was during passing period- was I going to that class, or coming out of it? Where is that classroom again? ...What's my English teacher's name? What month is it?  Snap snap "You were staring at the wall! I'm talking to you!" What were you talking about? "Come on! You can't be serious." 
 
He did not hear the "narrators" anymore... but he heard music, and sounds, and random voices, voices that were almost always "clones" of his own voice. He wondered if maybe he had a brain tumor, but decided it was more likely he was going mad. Schizophrenia, probably, or maybe just some general... going crazy? Either way, never tell anyone.

His internal monologue has never really been a monologue, for as long as we can remember. It's hard to say if he thought this way before the experience with 3rd person memories and the narrator voices. I don't quite have the best memory of before the narrator voices. But, by the start of 7th grade, for sure, he was already hosting a loud, constant internal dialogue. Talking with himself. He also spoke with one of the narrator voices often- oh, won't you SHUT UP??? I HEAR you. Why don't you tell me something useful? You're always watching. Moderate! Keep an eye out for me, don't just observe. 

One day, sometime in 7th grade, he was on the bus in the morning and turned to the narrator voice that didn't really narrate anymore and said, "How about you be my ideal, and you embody everything I want to be, and you make sure I'm living up to that? And I'll treat you like your own person, and you'll be like... I don't know, my imaginary, perpetual ideal conversation partner." I said yes, I would do it. He said, "You'll need a name, then." I looked out the window and made some vague statements. Jamie shoved two words together. It became my name, and I became me, proper. 

And that's sort of the story, up to that point, as we understood it at that point in time. 
Storytime Part Two: Figuring that Mess Out
Coming to this this thread, probably tomorrow?


What you need to know, for now:

There are four main groups of clones/fragments. Conversationalists are the the most "normal", though, they are able to do very little by themselves. They need to be talking with someone else. The majority of the "Big Face of Jamie", aka Jamie as a single identity, is formed by the work of two or more conversationalists. Observers observe, and they deliver rulings and make "ultimatums", often when conversationalists are debating needlessly and it needs to end, right then. Child clones/Littles/Criers are child versions of Jamie, almost all 7 or younger. They are most often very confused and distraught and don't understand or have false or altered ideas about what is going on/where they are. Aggressives act disturbing verbally, as well as physically when in wonderland. They are also much more easily able to tap into forces such as devotion and passion. Both the child clones and aggressives tend to manifest in quite intrusive fashions.

Recently, due to internal reflection after some significant realizations (i.e. a mental breakdown), the "lines between the clones" became apparent. I have spoken with most of the clones for years. They rotate who's talking, and blur and blend into each other constantly. Now that the lines have been drawn, they are much more able to appear as just themselves. The only idea of a wonderland was vague impression of a table: now, they have a table and chairs, and the structure also makes it much clearer who is speaking. 

As well, the dynamic between the clones is currently very strained. Jamie was not able to function well enough as host, and so I have taken the role of host for the time being. My objective, which I will expand upon later, is to gain greater understanding and control of this situation, and to restore function and raise quality of internal life and external performance. I plan to log daily, including some transcripts of my sessions with the clones, which will most likely to censored to some level. This is not a tulpa PR because these are not tulpas, this is not about a tulpa system. This is me writing about my host's traumagenic internal workings, which I think is still useful and fits well in this community. I hope this will be interesting and maybe helpful to readers. 

A Switch and a Spat
CW: swearing, violence/gore, blood, fighting

While writing this, clones have been popping in, which was pretty expected due to the subject. I heard a little conversation about me among Mu, Sigma, and two conversationalists. The conversationalists were asking if I was anything more than a fragment, and if the fragments were "big enough" to front by themselves. Mu decided something which I was not privy to. I started to dissociate and asked the clones to sleep, because I was in danger of losing the front. Instead, Mu switched in and sat up, controlling the body with no co-fronter. As far as I know, that's the first time that's ever happened. I was still mentally awake, and grabbed back control. Mu fought me and regained control seconds after I had it. Theta woke up and screamed "YOU FUCKER" to Mu. I regained control. Theta slammed Mu against the wonderland table, hit his crotch, and told him, "You cannot fuck with Gavin. I cannot believe this fucking behavior from an observer. We're going to rip you to shreds, you cunt." I told him to stop it. Theta growled and left Mu. No criers were summoned (as often happens in moments of internal drama) and the two conversationalists went dormant. 

Omega appeared and bit Mu's face. He ripped at Mu's chest, arms, and crotch, while sitting on his chest, as Mu was pinned down to the table. He took a knife and cut into Mu's chest. At this point, Theta grabbed Omega and Omega communicated malicious intent toward Theta. I told Theta to back off now and Omega to stop it. Omega called me a cunt and tried to grab Theta's crotch. Theta sunk his nails into Omega's arm. Omega ignored Theta and took his knife and cut into Mu's neck. Someone screamed and went dormant. 

I looked to Sigma, who was undisturbed. I asked wordlessly why he wasn't intervening. He told me, "Punishments are how we keep order. If we weren't confident they would be enforced, clones would break the rules. Going against the clone code means becoming food for the sharks." I told him that was tribal. He shrugged and told me, "Gavin. You're the exception. Imagine if you had happened 17 times, instead of once. No. I let the punishments be enforced, for the integrity of what I am." (Keep in mind, this entire interaction only took a few seconds)

Someone was screaming quite a bit. It was a blend of Rho and Dandelion. Omega teleported across the room, hit him across the side of his head, and the blended clone burst into tears. Theta tackled Omega to the foot of the table and drove the hilt of Omega's knife into his eye, while cussing him out. I summoned Omicron. He was also undisturbed. I poofed Mu, Theta and Omega. 

Theta came back and offered me the bloody knife. His mouth was covered in blood. He said, "Gavin, I've proved myself again for you." I told him this tribal way was not anything I supported and told him to tidy his form. He tided his form and poofed the knife. In a moment of what I suspect was blending with someone, he sort of growled, but in a fearful way, "I'm a good bitch." He poofed. Omicron hugged the blended clone and they both poofed. Omicron came back and told me Mu was still a transgressor to the clone code and my intervention in the punishment was not welcome. Theta said, "I'm going to murder you." But it was half-stress, only half-directed toward Omicron. He's very uneasy, now. He wants to please me, but he also wants to attack the others against my will. 

There is a crier breaking down, somewhere. I can hear, but trying to get more clarity makes me dissociate. 

It was Dandelion. I bid him to sleep. The observers are being quiet. They communicate that they are mad at me for challenging their way. More criers pop in and out as I write. 

Update: Everything is quiet again. 

That is what "clone storms" are. This was actually fairly tame, sometimes many more clones are involved. 

Clone Role Call
Keep in mind: All the clones are Jamie. As if Jamie's a clock, and the fragments are gears within. These names are placeholder names just for the parts of Jamie. They are all Jamie. 

Conversationalists: Delta, Eta, Zeta, Chi, Rho
"Criers" AKA Series A Littles : Blondie, Teddybear, Dandelion, Sunshine
Aggressives/Passionates: Theta, Epsilon, Upsilon, Omega
Observers: Sigma, Nu, Omicron, Mu
Others: Albatross, Minty, Tile, Honeybee

Littles: Blondie, Teddybear, Dandelion, Sunshine, Albatross, Tile, Honeybee

  • Most child clones were named by others. Most other clones picked their placeholder names out of the Greek alphabet. Some got their their names at the same time, in pairs (Eta and Zeta, Epsilon and Upsilon.) Mu picked her name to reflect her close bond to Nu. 
  • All the clones are "he." (Edit 8/11: Pranked! Nu and Mu are women, she/her.)
  • There may be more fragments. 
- Gavin

edit: A clone objected to the placeholder name I gave him and decided to be "Rho" Smile
edit: Clone Role Call updated 6/29/19
edit: Clone Role Call updated 8/11/2019, and Mu and Nu are ladies
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#3
Good luck, do your best, at least school is out for a while. Try to have fun too.
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#4
That's... Terrible. I'm sorry, for you all. Some shit has happened in my life, but nothing that bad. No one should have to deal with all of that, especially not someone at your age.

Just know, we're all here for you.
The name's Bryan! In system Nobody(In order of the rainbow): 
Sean, Esper, Blinky, Compact, Janey, Kyle, Gwen'd, Gwen, 
Emily, Rollin, Waynin, Trease, Layy, Justin, Chloe, and Zachery. 
I guess I have to talk... I practice Tulpamancy and Psionics, PM me for stuff related to that. I love Puyo Puyo(Look it up!). I exist and I like it like that. PM me for a random essay topic, or somethin'. 

https://my.cbox.ws/TulpaDotInfo
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#5
I agree with Ice, what happened to you guys is horrifying and I'm sorry you guys went through that.

In response to violence parts described in hidden sections...
Our wonderland was violent until the "no intentional self harm" vow came about, and after that Cat/Gray discouraged violence towards anyone in-system in general. I don't think the Grays were ever allowed to harm each other (there are a handful of times where a Gray hurt themself or a Gray was harmed by something/someone else); in general all violence was either directed towards Gray, rarely Gray lashing out at whoever was hurting him, and Gray hurting himself.

One of the things Gray did to control wonderland violence was modifying intrusive thoughts to keep up with the vow. The violent intrusive thoughts themselves come with no blame, but sometimes the intrusive thought is Gray holding a knife or causing harm. In these cases, Gray would decide that the sharp knives are now harmless rubber, the blood is ketchup or movie blood, everyone has protective armor where needed, no one has to feel pain, the intrusive scene is now a movie scene where no one is hurt, etc.

These changes made a hell of a difference in our system. I know that the trauma you guys have to face is a million times worse, but I wanted to share because when reading what you typed, the gore scenes were partly relatable.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
Temporary Log | Chat | Yay!

The Grays, my other head-mates, have their own account now.
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#6
No need for pity here. Seeking to improve oneself and reach stability is what's important, not comparing each other's past pains and struggles.
I'm Luxio Volt, the "Storm Rocker" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa made March 2017. My systemmates are Apollo, Piano, & Indigo.
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#7
Thank you Gavin for this really interesting thread, I'm looking forward to read more about it.

Congratulations for your courage, you're a hero! At least one of mine. Fearless, wise (= not pretending to know but trying to understand and searching for knowledge) and most of all compassionate. I admire what you're trying to achieve, that's awesome (and I think you're doing very well)

The clones did mention a clone code, what is this code exactly?
Hi, I'm Vādin, Zia's tulpa/permanent guest.
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#8
[Image: attachment.php?aid=2453]
:P A dear friend of mine inspired me to stick this together.

@Bear Thank you. I do have fun with the clones when I can Smile They are all sweethearts, even the ones who don't know it yet. 

@Ice Glad to know you are here for us. Just a side note, it's generally not polite to "compare scars." I know you don't mean it maliciously at all, but saying "You had it worse" is both a little invalidating to whatever shit has been in your own life, and sometimes... makes us feel broken or damaged or, sometimes, very bitter. "You had it worse than me" means "I had it better than you." Shit happens. We can all bond together over the shitty nature of shit without taking out the measuring cups or the scale. 

@Ranger Thank you for the tip. One of my main objectives is to minimize the role of violence among the clones. 

@Luxio Smile

@Vādin It feels good to be told I'm doing well, thank you for the ego boost Big Grin 

The clone code, first and foremost, is not any sort of actually written-down or standardized rules. It's more like a set of taboos. Apparently, knowledge of the clone code is intuitive to all clones. One of the jobs of the observers is to make sure everyone upholds the clone code. The main purpose of the clone code is to make sure all the clones are functioning as one identity and that no factions are built among clones. So, for example, a clone could not decide to form an alliance with another clone, a clone could not declare "this clone is my nemesis", and a clone could not declare "this clone is my best friend," because all of those would be considered drawing faction lines. The clone code also prevents clones from speaking publicly under any other name. You're not going to get any commentary from Mu or Upsilon, here. Just Jamie. 

6/1

I've been wanting one-on-one sessions with the clones, just to try and gain more information as to their mental states. This morning, upon looking at my phone (my lockscreen is a photo of our cat), Teddybear blurred in and said, "Kitty." So I decided, since he was already active today, I'd try and have a one-on-one session with him. I believe he has given his age as younger, before, but generally he gives his age as 6. He is one of the oldest child clones, in terms of time existing, from what I am told by Sigma, one of the most communicative observers. 

I wanted to talk in wonderland in a place, I let him choose the place and he put me in Jamie's grandfather's recliner chair, in his grandparent's house. Teddybear sat on the floor next to the chair and we talked for a little. IRL, I had the cat on my lap. I said, at any point, if he wanted a kitty break to just say. Well, next thing you know, I hear "Kitty?" and then, dormancy for me. When he decided to step forward toward the front, it grounded him to the front and I wasn't on my guard, so I was moved back. Pretty far back. 

Teddybear did not get the front- it was empty. And nature abhors a vacuum, and the general mental state was one of littleness and vulnerability, so that meant Cassidy was pushed into the front. Sigma was awake but did not especially care. 

Content Warning: violent porn, mentions of self harm
So Cassidy was in front, Teddybear was awake as well as Sigma (an observer.) Cassidy cried (empty house, thank goodness) and started one of his spirals of "I'm a bitch." 

Here lies my mistake. I have hidden most objects that can be used to physically hurt the body. I had not thought about, however, that the internet is a marvelous tool and distressing material is only a google away. Even a 7 year old can do it. 

So, though he did not physically hurt himself in any way, Cassidy pulled up rough porn and spiraled into manipulated thought patterns. It was only about ten minutes until someone, either Cassidy or Teddybear, started calling out for me mentally and I woke from dormancy and took the front back. In the past he's spent upwards of an hour without me, watching rough or violent porn and spiraling, so ten minutes is much better, comparatively. 

I was concerned for Teddybear because he is not one of the sexual abuse fragments. He wasn't responding like they do (hiding, showing physical manifestations of hurts, crying), but instead was mute and asked to be held. He went dormant pretty soon after. I talked with Sigma. He told me fighting Jamie on self-abusive behaviors is a worthless battle and the observers do not fight it. He said, if Theta wants to waste his time, he won't stop him, but it's my job to protect Jamie and Cassidy from harm- I took that responsibly from the observers when I ascended. 

I talked with Cassidy later (he went into dormancy when I switched in), who was upset and apologetic. 

So, now, I've got a handy-dandy webpage blocker which has locked this computer out of all adult content websites. Outside of that, I'll be turning off wifi (always a good idea when you don't need to have internet access for what you're working on) when I sit down for clone sessions, now. If this happens again, I might just give up typing and only take physical notes. I know better now, though. This was my first one-on-one session. Now I know to be careful. Getting involved in wonderland takes me away from the front. 

So, my first one-on-one session was a failure, but a failure I have learned from. My entire conversation with Teddybear (before that series of events) was mostly like this: 

Fragment of a Fragment Conversation
Me: Do you know where you are?
T: I want my daddy. 
Me: Oh sweetie. Do you want a hug? 
T: No. Where's my dad? 
Me: What year is it? 
T: I dunno. Can I have a hug? 

I did learn that, for Teddybear, it is nighttime. Even though it was not at the time. But I believe, it's intuitively nighttime for him, in the same way Dandelion is hurt. They're little windows into another time, sometimes. Living memories. 

6/2

Last night I lost the front to Cassidy, who fell into another thought spiral but was aware that it was happening. I was not awake at first, but eventually I did wake up. It was uncomfortable and distressing but we all had plenty of support and nothing harmful happened. Eventually someone (a blend of me and Cassidy, I believe) fell asleep. This morning, I did wake up in front- but switched within thirty seconds with Jamie. It was like I couldn't keep my eyes open. Jamie was trying to wake me up proper but it just didn't happen until he was talking about me in Discord, and that perked my ears up. I only managed to be able to take and keep the front about an hour later, while getting ready. Some clones are watching right now, I'm not sure who, but other than that, everyone is dormant. 

Today, I think I might try and speak with Upsilon. He has not been active today, and rarely speaks for himself or appears alone. I know pretty little about him, besides from the fact he is one of the younger clones in terms of time spent existing. He was one of Theta's "minions", but Theta no longer treats them that way. Both Epsilon and Upsilon have been fairly quiet, since Theta decided he was changing his ways. Epsilon has expressed feelings of abandonment about it, but I have not been able to gauge Upsilon's reaction. 

He watches, as I type. Not speaking, just watching. He's pretty unsure. These things take time. 

- Gavin (probably another update coming today)

edit: image formatting

One-on-One with Upsilon

Upsilon is one of the aggressives. 
CW: Cussing, sexual abuse, violence, suicide and suicidal ideation, manipulated thinking, mentions of porn
Upsilon Upsilon Upsilon. 
U:This is a nightmare.
I want to talk with you.
U: Yeah, Gavin. Oh fuck this. (he laughs nervously)
I'm not going to treat you like the criers. I know you're not a child.
U: I'd be fucking out of here if you did. I know. I know. Ugh. (sensing my unease around his cussing)
Theta is really changing his way.
U: Think I haven't realized?
He hasn't been dragging you into things.
(Upsilon disagrees with "dragging you into things")
U: I know you hate the fighting. We're rough with the little bitches. (sensing my unease) I KNOW. THE LITTLE BITCHES. FUCK THEM. (he laughs nervously) You're going to want to censor that. (Upsilon tries to grope me, I click the visualization so his hands are back in his lap) God, Gavin.
Do you trust me?
U: Of course. I just don't respect you. This ship is going down. I can commend your behavior, but organizing the party isn't really a fruitful task. In the end. The ship is going down. You're being stupid.
What do you mean by "the ship is going down?"
U: Going to kill myself someday. Not now, don't worry your little fucking "ohhhh I care about myyyy brothers" senses. You'll probably be out of the picture before it happens. I know you get urges like that too, don't try and hide it. You used to talk a lot like that, didn't you? You're driving me crazy. You're going to keep me from living a normal life. You should off yourself.
Upsilon, why do you think you're going to kill yourself?
U: I'm a dishonorable bastard.
Why are you a dishonorable bastard?
Upsilon tries to grab my head and forcibly kiss me. I snap the visualization so he's back in his chair.
Why are you a dishonorable bastard, Upsilon? I'm not going to treat you like a crier. We won't take kitty breaks if you don't want them. Answer my questions. This is a dialogue between equally capable parties.
U: I'm a dishonorable bastard. I'm showing you. Pay attention, fucker.
Upsilon tries to visualize himself putting his penis down my throat. I snap the visualization back so he's in his chair.
Your examples are noted.
U: You're slow.
So it's your behaviors?
U: Fuck you. (agreement) 
Upsilon shivers and bites his hand. He takes his hand out and spits on the floor. He snarls at me.
U: Fucking little bitch. You're a little bitch too Gavin. You felt it. (He tries to grope me.) Wet. Wet, look at this.
(I put two clones into dormancy)
U: I want Theta back. You took him. You made a bitch out of him.
How did I make Theta a bitch?
U: He'd cum in your mouth. He'd do anything you asked. You defiled our king. You fucked his pussy. Now he's begging for your cock. You made a bitch out of him.
(porn visualization)
U: Scared little bitch. (Upsilon tries to grab my head. I snap the visualization so he's back in his chair.)
I find those images disturbing.
U: That's the POINT. (he's proving to himself that he's a dishonorable bastard)
You have control over your behaviors.
U: And I know what I am.
What is the right thing to do?
U: Remind the little bitches. Remind every bitch of their place [by reenactment]. [Details of reenactment]. Little bitches everywhere. They beg for it, Gavin. Everyone wants to feel loved.
Do you love the little bitches?
U: Yes Gavin. Theta made a mistake when he decided to fuck a dummy. He's left all the little bitches behind. They're lost souls. Their places, their meaning in life is clear when they've got one of us on top of them. You know it. The little bitches love to be reminded.
(put a clone into dormancy)
U: Let them out. Give them to me. I'll show you. You're fucking wet Gavin. Let me show you. Dandelion come take my cock.
(put clone into dormancy)
Upsilon. Sit down.
U: I am sitting. I'm talking. This is what you want.
I do enjoy talking with you.
U: Oh, for fuck's sake.
This means a lot to me. We haven't spoken like this before.
U: I hope it never happens again. (Upsilon starts crying)
He bites his arm. He's bleeding down his leg. I snap the visualization so he's not injured and his hands are in his lap. He puts his hands over his face. He's still crying. Upsilon puts a hand over his crotch.
(I wonder if he's blending with Dandelion) 
U: YES YOU IDIOT WHY ELSE WOULD I BLEED FROM MY CUNT
Upsilon stay here.
U: WELL THAT'S THE PLAN. (he crosses his legs.) God I hate being wet.
(porn memory)
(I put clones into dormancy)
Did you help with the poem?
U: A little. Not much. I did the line "god yes fuck yes" or whatever it was.


(The dog was whining so I took him outside to pee. Outside, Upsilon told me, "I have no redeemable qualities.")


U: You said the aggressives are passionate and confident but that's not even true for me. I'm just a little slut who follows around the biggest dick. All I do is fuck bitches and get fucked by anyone with a bigger cock.
You've been able to communicate a lot of concepts to me, just in this conversation. You're remaining fairly level-headed.
U: Shut up, Gavin. Go fuck yourself. I'm about to be done, here.
Where do you think you'll be, in the future?
U: Dead. Probably slit my wrists or take pills. God I look forward to it I really do. God. God I want to die. God fucking damn. Why am I awake like this? This is disgusting Gavin. You're going to do this with everyone? You're going to fucking explode. (Upsilon moans) God. I'm a bitch. (porn memory)
I know this is hard for you.
U: There's so fucking much! Hundreds of hours! A mental database of fucking! Take a fucking page! (porn memory)
God I want to die. I want to die. I hate you. I hate everyone. I'm a bitch.
I want to help you.
U: I've never been around this long. I hate what I'm saying. Fuck me, Gavin. Fuck this.
I think it's really useful, for going forward.
U: Going forward? I don't want to go anywhere. Just take me out back and shoot me. Theta is your reformed cocksucker. (porn memory) (I start feeling nauseous)
Upsilon how old are you?
U: Fuck off.
What year is it?
U: 2019, I'm not one of the deluded babies.
What's your earliest memory?
U: Sorry I made you sick.
It's alright, Jamie. I know you're not feeling that hot, either.
U: You realize this is basically triggering us over and over? Your plan is to trigger us over and over.
I don't want to cause distress. Sometimes processing things is tough. I hope that everyone is able to express themselves in productive ways. I want to help make sure everyone is processing it.
U: No more fucking the babies.
No, Upsilon.
U: I want their little cunts in my hand. FUCK FUCK YOU FUCK THIS. Why do I exist? There's no point for me if I can't fuck the little bitches. I can't do anything else. Nothing else matters. I need to touch them. They need reminders. (memories) The criers are getting too loud Gavin.
(I put clones into dormancy)
U: Cut it off here. I talked.

I'm pretty happy with the conversation we had. At the end, Upsilon could have started targeting the child clones that were popping up along with the bad memories, but instead, he told me to cut it off there, and went into dormancy. I gave some kisses and reassurance to Dandelion and Blondie and bid them to sleep. 

It's really silly, but I do enjoy it and it's been useful: drinking bitter or fizzy things makes the child clones quiet down, because it's too "adult" for them. Or something, I don't know, it's like a reverse trigger. So, after this clone session, I was indeed sorta nauseous and vulnerable feeling, but I poured a glass of orange juice and lime Perrier and drank it while cleaning up my notes, and I feel much better. In the past, Jamie's method of quieting his "childish vulnerable feelings and intrusive thoughts of children crying", aka the child clones, was to listen to dirty and sexually aggressive music and mentally yell and cuss. He was removing the child clones from the front by promoting the aggressives, before he understand what was happening. So, that method, you know, not preferred. Especially now that we have more clarity into the situation.


- Gavin Smile

edit: formatting, spelling


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#9
You are suuuper brave, G... Thanks for sharing all this. I hope we can help in some small way, any way. I have learned a lot recently about triggers and PTSD and all sorts of things and I hold the trust you placed in us to tell us these things very precious. I'll never judge any of you for suffering or fighting a battle that so few could even imagine. I don't pity you, I don't feel sorry for you, I want to clasp your hand and fight alongside you any way I can.

A reminder to you and note to anyone else reading.. It is soooo easy to just cave in, fold and play the victim. Tbh, there is a time and place for that, to reinforce that nothing which happened to you guys was your fault and you were a powerless child in unfair and overwhelming circumstances that would probably make modern soldiers buckle and break. But being the victim is just a part of the recovery process.. It's a transitory phase that far too many people get stuck in because it does provide a small bit of personal control and power. Maybe the first bits of control and power a traumatized person has ever known. Being able to place blame upon those responsible instead of yourself is a very valuable and valid stage of recovery from trauma.

I want to try and provide positive words, encouragement, and unshakable faith in you guys.. I wish I could do more but it's is the best I can do for now. I wanna study more and learn more and try and be of some help, if possible. You already know your whole system can talk to me any time they want. Now that I have enough pieces and knowledge of what's going on, I won't even be offended if they scream, threaten or cuss me out so don't be afraid to let ANY of them talk to me, as long as it's ok with you.

I woulda said this privately to you guys but I'm respecting and responding to your courage.

-Your friend, Reilyn
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#10
thank you Reilyn very nice words thank you. I like to hold hands
Three brothers. [Progress Report] [Art] [Oops! All Jamie]

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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