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Oops, All Jamie | Exploring the Workings of a Fragmented Host
#11
Sorry I had read your previous post but didn't have time to answer until now.

Awesome work Gavin ! The way you're leading the conversation is brilliant. Any serious therapist reading this would bow as a sign of respect (where are they by the way? An external ally would be great to support and reinforce your endeavor).

Now that you're the best connector between all clones, and their caregiver, couldn't they help you to keep/regain the front when you need to? Unfortunate things can happen when you're dormant, the observers who see them could try and wake you up, maybe?

What made me think about this is this unfair statement from Sigma :

Quote:He said, if Theta wants to waste his time, he won't stop him, but it's my job to protect Jamie and Cassidy from harm- I took that responsibly from the observers when I ascended.

You couldn't do your job because you had been put on dormancy against your will. But Sigma was conscious when you were not, watching what happened all along and he didn't do anything to call you back (so you can do your job), it was Cassidy or Teddybear who did.
Hi, I'm Vādin, Zia's tulpa/permanent guest.
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#12
[More intro will go here when I am not falling asleep over myself]

Talking with the Jr. Board aka littles committed to self-improvement

content warning: cussing, sad things, aggression, suicide, mentions of sexual violence
(Rho, Dandelion, Sunshine)
R: My face hurts. 
Hello.
R: It's been a long day. 
Dandelion starts crying.
R: Can I have Sigma? 
Sure thing. 
R: If I count myself as half an adult... and you're an adult, that's a 1 and a half adults to 3 and a half kids. It's better with Sigma.
Do you mean two and a half? 
R: No. 
Rho draws my attention to Blondie. 
(Rho, Dandelion, Sunshine, Blondie, Sigma observes)
Oh hah you're right.
Sigma takes Dandelion in his lap. 
S: Hi sweetheart.
R: I want held...
Do you want in my lap? 
R: No! God, [Gavin], I'm 12.
Definitely not ten, and not blurring with anyone else? 
R: No. So, Jr. Board. 
You've appointed yourself head. 
R: Who else would be fit? If you insit on my being a crier. Child clone. No, don't redact, let the record stand. 
S: Gavin, can you take Blondie? 
Sure thing. Sweetie? 
Blondie doesn't respond. 
Rho slaps Blondie.
R: I meant to. Pussy. (@ Blondie)
That's not how to treat anyone here, mister. 
R: He's a pussy. 
Come sit. 
Rho cries. 
R: No Gavin. You know you adults can't invade. You stand. 
Have you had a bad day?
R: I just want to die. I hate you. 
Do you know why you slapped him? 
R: I hate the pussies. They need to stop it. I don't like seeing them. 
That's very open of you, thank you. 
R: Fuck off, [Gavin.] 
S: <respect Gavin>
R: <consession>
(bad memory)
Dandelion cries. Rho cries. 
Rho hugs me around the waist. 
R: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. 
<What's going on?>
R: My sorries aren't big enough to work. (on making me feel like I'm forgiven)
R: I've been bad. I'm a bitch. 
Rho sits down and covers himself. 
Hey, kid, maybe you'd rather stand? 
Rho stands up.
R: It's stupid of you to do this on a Wednesday evening. You know the low (in testosteone levels) makes us all feel bitch-y and little. 
Rho hits Blondie's head. 
Hey. 
R: Pussy. 
That's completely inappropriate behavior for the head of the Jr. Board. You want him to respect you.
R: He respects me because I remind him. We're all bitches on the Jr. Board. 
Part of being On Board means, not being a bitch. 
R: Then the Jr. Board is different. 
The Jr. Board also means, not being a bitch. 
R: No, I'm head of the Jr. Board, and I say, all members of the Jr. Board are bitches. 
Rho slaps Blondie. 
S: Gavin, you need to take more innitative. 
R: God, mom, shut up. Gavin can learn for himself. 
Rho, let's talk at the table, yes? 
R: He's following me around. Has been all day. I don't know why. I keep hitting him and he likes it I think. I don't know why. 
Rho hits me. His hand goes through. 
Talk about testing boundaries, hm? <inappropriate>
R: Sorry. 
Dandelion screams. 
R: He's loud. 
I know. 
S: Feeling guilty about the spiral this morning. 
I see. 
B: Up. 
I take Blondie in my lap.
R: I told you, he's been following me around all day. 
Blondie takes my hand and kisses it. 
R: He does that too. He's weird. 
R: I don't want to be on the Jr. Board. I don't want to be head of the Jr. Board. 
Why not? 
R: Bitches can't be On Board, and I'm a bitch. I want to die. Oh, god dammit. Ow. (physical manifestation) No, no healing kisses, [Gavin].
B: Dada. 
Oh, you're little, are you? Sweetie. 
Blondie takes my hand and kisses it. 
R: I think I've got my shit together. I wish Dandelion would shut up. And that watcher. 
Who are the watchers? 
R: Don't get your panties in a bunch, they're just more criers. You had notes about them, from real early listening in. Crier is a newer word. They didn't cry too much, until you let them. Good bitches. Good bitches watch. Hm. Look Gavin, I don't mind him because he's quiet, but if he's going to be in wonderland, he needs clothes. Clothes in wonderland. That's going to be my first rule as head of the Jr. Board. 
You're going to be head of Jr. Board? 
R: Yeah. But, can I put a blanket over him? I bet he'd like that anyways. 
Go ahead. 
Blondie wants off my lap. 
R: NOOO STOP FOLLOWING ME. GAVINNNN 
I keep Blondie on my lap. 
Why is he following you? (asking whoever wants to answer)
S: Don't know. Maybe Rho's already accepted <visual of ducklings following around grown duck>
Rho throws a blanket over Sunshine. Sunshine doesn't react. 
R: Real fragmenty, still. Can't hardly believe he got a sole stake in the front before me. I want to watch Monty Python. I want tea. Gavin I'm bored. This sucks. I hate Blondie. I hate Dandelion. Go to hell. Now I'm sad. I want a hug. 
Rho gets a hug from Sigma. 
Dandelion screams. 
Rho tries to hit Dandelion, Sigma prevents the visualization.
S: <go sit with Gavin>
Rho comes and sits with me. 
R: You lost Sunshine. NOOO DON'T REACH BACK. Ughhh you brought him back up again. You need to knock off that impulse. If you try and call out the second you think they're not there, you'll pull them right back.
Sunshine is a member of Jr. Board, yes? Or at least an applicant. He's got a right to be here, and like you said, he's quiet, too. 
R: But he's fucking sad, Gavin. Watchers are fucking sad, and the second he realizes he can scream, or that he's not in immediate danger, he's going to start flipping his shit. Oh. (upset) 
D: I'm wet. Please. I'm a good bitch. (@ Sigma) Good bitch. 
Blondie cries. 
R: Shut them UP. Too loud. You're going to get Epsilon in here. He's still a rapist child fucker, and if he shows up, I'm bailing. Fuck. 
I pet Blondie's hair. Sigma comforts Dandelion. I think about doubling myself and picking up Sunshine. 
R: He would lose his shit, [Gavin.] Deal with the criers you have. 
S: We're at the very beginnings of a spiral. Tread carefully.
Can we do happy things? Just spend some time. 
B: Hand. 
I give Blondie my hand. He tries and put it between his legs, I don't let him. 
R: Sigma was right. (he thinks about poofing)
B: I'm a bitch. Please? Please? Wet. I want clean please. 
You want cleaned up? Good boy. 
B: Socks. (bad memory)
Dandelion cries. 
Rho yells. 
R: Sorry. I'm fucking pissed. I hate these babies. 
R cries and sits down. 
<asking if he's age-sliding>
R: Yea. 
Rho comes up and hugs my leg. 
Oh, it's okay. 
R: I was one of the first who didn't know. A transition between criers and conversationalists. One of the final bins. I hate her fucking face. The first ones cry and scream and shit. Thenthey started getting even younger, and they were the bins for loving her and all the conflict. And then all the kid masks <pre-conversationalists> got rotated out with replacements. A little bit older, and, they didn't know. And some of the kid masks became me. And any knowing was transfered to me. So I'm a transition between criers and conversationalists. 
S: I was aiding in that, and I'll attest to it. 
I see. That's a very good explanation. That's exactly the type of thing I have these conversations, to hear. You explained it well. 
Rho cries. 
R: I'm just another bitch. I want to be older. I want to be older. I want to be older. I want to be older. I want to be older. <Yes, Gavin, I'm the one who writes "I want to go home" hnndreds of times> I want to be older. I want to be older. <repeating things helps focus on what I want> 
<What else have you repeated like that?>
R:<"I want to be dead, I want to shut off, I want to get up and leave"> (memories)
Dandelion poofs.
S: More like, was poofed. (Sigma poofed Dandelion) 
R: Ow. (physical manifestation) 
Sigma walks over to Blondie and takes him from my lap. 
S: Rho isn't going to sit in your lap. But he wants your full attention and he is gettng sick of Blondie. 
Sigma takes Blondie the other side of the room and comforts him. 
R: There, it stopped. I don't need you. I stopped it. It's easy to stop intrusives. 
I'm glad you were able to. 
Dandelion appears and cries. I poof Dandelion. (memories)
R: Class tomorrow... I'm too sleepy, Gavin. We don't need to be awake for this. We're all getting younger and cranky. Cut it off here. 
But real quick, what's your stance on being head of Jr. Board? 
R: I was just pulling your chain, of course I'll do it. 
S: <be serious>
R: Fine, I got scared. The criers spook me. They piss and cum and bleed and I don't know how to handle that. I don't touch people. Don't fucking touch me. 
Would you hold a crier's hand?
R: No.
Could you try to? 
R: <not wanting to> No. No Gavin. I'm too sleepy. I'm like 8. I'm in Cassidy range. Fucking stupid bitch range. Ask again in the morning. Cut it off here. 
S: He's not going to get more cooperative. Goodnight. 


6/7 

A Brief Breakfast with Sigma


Sigma: There was some framing of this as a telling-off. 
I don't want that, I just want to talk with you.
S: Then stop framing it like that. Get to your questions. I'm not going to show you (something we talked about earlier).
How did you come about?
S: I was a gradual merge of several past observers and narrators. You could say the identity of Sigma only formed about the time that you ascended. After that, there was some restructuring of the internal dynamics. Once fragments are associated with always blurring in at around the same time, they tend to stick together until they merge and eventually, sort of integrate or permanently form a new identity. It's all murkiness under the water. Well, until recently.
You've been a great resource and guide.
S: I'm only trying to prevent more chaos. I don't approve of how you've been going about things.
What behaviors don't you approve of?
S: You haven't been pushing Jamie in external matters since these internal troubles began. External performance has suffered. I get that you're trying to mend the internal workings. But you're neglecting the short-term. You need to clean your room. You need to go get ready. You are too used to being in self-reflection mode. This is one of your flaws as host. You will spend twenty minutes reconciling a past memory, and leave your breakfast uneaten.
What would you suggest I change?
S: Set short-term, externally focused goals. Work that needs done. I have German homework today. I need to wash clothes. I need to change the hamster litter. You can think and work at the same time.
I understand.
S: We're done.
<ohhhh but I wanted to talk about the littles>
S: The littles are adorable and thank you for spending so much time with them.
Would you come over for breakfast pancakes in wonderland, sometime?
S: No. I'm an observer. That's an ability of yours, not mine. It would be against the clone accords. We're done. Good conversation.


- Gavin edit: formatting
Jamie and two brothers.

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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#13
I (Jamie) was just frozen, a bit locked in a spiral, internally conflicted, Omega with his hand around Dandelion's face, of course, Mu and Omicron trying to shove him back into dormancy, conversationalists scrabbling like rabbits, Gavin poking in and going, "Hmm. Hmm." 

And he asked for me, "Theta, are you willing to try out fronting alone, and I will stay co-con with you?" And the house was empty. And I went and took a shower and played Mindless Self Indulgence and I turned off the hot water and just yelled and sung. And Gavin was surprised by my energy and that I hadn't crashed and that I hadn't picked any skin or hurt myself. And the entire time I thought about how far I've come from when I first came around, and I thought about the two teddybears that were still in our bedroom closet. So I went and got them out and I got THE WORLD'S DULLEST paring knife and I ripped one's chest and face open, but I couldn't get any further so I got a pair of scissors, and I was only about a third through when my mom and sister came home, and they were all, "Oh, we're going to take the dog for a drive!!!" And so Delta and someone else, maybe Eta, had to join the front to balance me out. But I was still gritting my teeth, with the dog in my lap, going around and around the block.... ARGHHHHH. 

Got back home and I went back to it. And then my mom came in (I put a blanket over the bears and scissors), and she just STOOD THERE, so I said, "What do you want from me?" And she said, "GOD, you're such a teen!" And she wanted to cook some freaking mashed potato thing? And again, Delta blurted in to save my ass and he cooked quesadillas and I got lunch and my mom was telling me the whole time about how I needed to stop staying in my room, she's not wrong but she has NO CLUE what I've been doing. I just took my plate to my room and went back to cutting them apart. Thinking about all the things I've done. I was furious. Their fur was plastered down with body fluids in so many places. There was blood dried in their fur. How did no one ever notice? There were so many signs something was going on. They were hidden, we hid a lot, but, come on! Not that well! Those teddybears sat on my bed, just under the comforter for years. 

 Some of the kids were upset. I've had one of those bears for as long as I can remember. The other one, we got for our birthday in 1st grade. A lot of them didn't see any negative connection. Cassidy was watching me. He'd wanted to do this, a month or so ago, but he also had such a positive connection, he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Truly Theta
cw: swearing, violence, health-related stuff?, mentions of abuse, just general anger/rant-ness
From one bear, I saved her bow. From the other, his tongue. From both, their tails and glass eyes. By the time I actually was eating my lunch it was cold. I realized I had put salt on blueberries, who cares, it was just a little weird to taste. I grit my teeth, Gavin tells me, and it's making my mouth sore. I want gum and I sort of want to hit someone. The cat's on my lap as I write and I just want to push her off. I'm angry that Omega is still a bitch. I'm angry that Epsilon and Upsilon are being little fuckwads and won't come On Board. I'm angry that, just a few weeks ago, I would be able to take them and fucking force them to act. But now it's different. 

I'm angry that Epsilon fucked with Dandelion yesterday, and that Nu's an idiot and he and all the king's men couldn't deprogram Dandelion out of what Epsilon told him and did to his form. I'm angry that I can't go into wonderland and bite Epsilon's dick off. I'm angry that the body is injured and that events in the past have such a strong effect on the present. I'm angry because of all the memories that came up, as I tore apart the bears. I'm angry that I was interrupted twice, and that my family didn't and couldn't understand that I was doing something important, because it's all a secret and a big game. I'm angry that I cause all sorts of intrusives when I appear in wonderland, and that the littles don't and shouldn't trust me. I'm angry that I'm disabled and I'm angry that I was abused, and I'm angry to be called mentally ill, and I'm angry because I'm aware that I'm not able to fit into mainstream cultures easily, and I'm angry that I can't go to the places I want to go to, just because they're TOO LOUD, and that I'll truly always be disabled, and that I truly always will have been abused. 

I'm angry that the phobic framework is still, and probably always will be, in my brain. I'm angry that I didn't do the homework for the first day of class, and that Gavin didn't take the front, and when he started to offer to take the front, I prevented and distracted him and reverted toward the phobic framework. I'm angry that I'm not my own person and that there are other Jamies, because I'M Jamie and I'M a person. I'm angry that I have incomprehensible scars all over my body that will be there forever, and that they aren't even scars that look like scars, they look like a disease. I'm angry that the angle of my knees is all wrong, and that I can't ever make it normal, and that I have fewer years of physical health ahead of me because of factors outside of my control. I'm angry that I feel ineffectual and out of control in my life. I'm so pissed at Omega and Epsilon. 

After all that

Omega overpowered me (Jamie, Theta is around but also some others Smile ) and rallied with Epsilon and Upsilon and did (mentions of violence, internal and external) disgusting things. They wanted to solidify that they are not On Board and that Theta has no power within their group any longer. All of them first woke up when my sister hit my mother elsewhere in the house and my mom did her crying-regressive-state thing, which just makes me boil over, and I guess Theta wasn't big enough to express all that anger, so Omega woke. It was a big internal scuffle but it ended, as these things tend to end, with Gavin setting a 15 minute timer and letting a little switch in to break down safely. Sunshine, in this case. He didn't cry, he just hid under the blankets with our Pusheen plush and Gavin spoke with him. 

My mom burst in, cue rapid-fire blurring and reordering of the fragments, and she griped about a few things and then told us to come help trim bushes. And I (Theta) was PISSED. Sunshine didn't get his allotted time. But, I went out there, and my mom had to walk over to my granddad's house to get the bush trimmer, and my mom asked me to move a bag of dirt. And the others had moved that before and it's 50-some pounds of DIRT, and so they were all surprised when I just... dragged it like you see people dragging bodies. Call it adrenaline or something, we do have a 20-pound dog, he's not hard to pick up or anything... Well, good for me, I'm good for something. 

I was getting pissed about my situation and a blend of Nu and Mu started playing a Mr. Rogers' song, "What do you do with the Mad that you feel?" And I (a few people, but primarily Delta and Theta) said, "Oh, Mr. Rogers, you don't understand what's happening to me." And Nu/Mu said, "What do you mean? Nothing is happening to you. You're weeding your raised bed." And the conversationalists went chattering about that one. Oh! -crap- you're right... more reenactment? Oh, I think it is. A constant state of crisis- how destructive, yes? Oh, yes... The past is the past. Why am I dragging the past into the present? Why am I acting like someone is hurting me? MUUUUU I WANT MORE SONG *slapping table*. (That last sentence is Rho.) 

I actually spoke with Cassidy a little, with Theta as one of the front-most members of the Big Face of Jamie. Theta was nervous about it- it actually started when he thought, "I'm angry that my being an aggressive keeps me (Jamie) from talking with Cassidy." And Gavin was in his Gavin Chair, and he said, "Theta, haven't you rebranded yourself? You've proven yourself enough to me, and if you're out of line, I'm right here and I'll stop you. But I trust you." And I realized, no one trusts the aggressives unless they're making threats. No one trusts a word an aggressive says, besides Gavin. That's what you get when all you do is spew nasty thoughts and "remind" others. But... that probably needs to change, if we're going to convert the others like Theta has been converted. On Board. 


Gavin sits with the littles in wonderland in the yard. They have a bubble machine shaped like an octopus and all of the little Jamies are slightly afraid of it, they watch from a distance as Gavin dicks around with the bubbles. Cassidy is actually older than the majority of them, right now... he's poking Rho to get him to ask questions about the rules. The observer who is watching (it appears to be a blend of a few of them... I think? He's winked at me.) thinks about it and decides to wear a light gray tee and pool shorts. Rho chucks a rock at the umbrella and tells me to "fuck offffff." Well, they don't like me acting like a narrator, there are rules against that sort of thing. 




Quote:What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong...
And nothing you do seems very right?
What do you do? Do you punch a bag? 
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?
It's great to be able to stop
When you've planned a thing that's wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song:
I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a woman
And a boy can be someday a man.

I'll be okay. 


Any words of experience, advice, or encouragement are greatly appreciated. - Jamie, for once (edit: words)
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#14
Not so enthused about stabbing bears, but you did avoid picking, so that's good.
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#15
You guys really are survivors.. Hang in there all of you! It's ok to be angry, it really is... J/Lance lived a long long time without any proper ability to express anger or outrage.. It was never allowed or possible early on, then later it just redirected away to someone else inside. And would come out in weird moments that even then seemed like a completely different person was behind it (turns out it was). Little bursts, like brief slips would surface, but always in private where no one else could hear or see and always way disproportionate to whatever was going on. But that angry person wasn't able to handle much.. When things got overwhelming and frustration was high, instead of them providing some kind of focus and intensity, they just caved in, bailed and everyone got completely numb and empty and just shut down.. We just couldn't process anger. That was someone else's job and they didn't like doing it back then.

Anyway, getting angry and outraged and even moody is all normal. When you take that stuff away and start partitioning it off, you end up with a less and less functional person/system. You being mad is healthy. I wish we could, instead of turning to an alter who seems to have their own ideas about how and when to vent it. Best I can do is get annoyed, frustrated, maybe a bit indignant, but not really angry. I just go numb instead of progressing to anger or hatred. It's missing.
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#16
Lightbulb 
@Bear :P RIP bears. Well, ripped bears. RIP ripped bears. 


@Reilyn Anger has always been a funny thing to me... I'm not sure I get angry, either. Maybe it's my proto-observer origins showing through. I don't seek it out, however. I don't consider anger especially useful. Or, perhaps I should say, I don't know what I would fuel with anger. Theta used anger to haul around a fifty pound bag. The aggressives used anger to write a sonnet, once. I do get indignant. 


Today I made a bet with Omega. He told me he did not have trust in me or my methods. I asked him, well, how do I prove myself? He said, don't pick any skin until 2PM (when we had a video conference.) It was 9AM at the time. 


I don't pick skin as emotional expression like Jamie does, but I do still have issues with it. It hurts, it's infected, it's itchy, it oozes and bleeds just from us walking around. I rarely find my teeth on anything, but I do find my nails on my skin in unproductive ways. 

So the bet was, no skin-picking (Omega's ruling for what constituted skin-picking) until 2PM, and for that frame of time, Omega would do his best to stay co-con and be polite and not hurt anyone. He didn't visualize himself in wonderland. 

5 minutes before 2PM, as I was setting up for the video conference, I picked skin and felt dejected. And Omega told me, "You fucker, everyone makes mistakes." He told me this was a silly bet because we could both win at any time, and so he decided that we won (aka he would trust me.) 

A few times today, I've found him chatting with Theta. I've also found them passionately kissing in Theta's "special room." They're all Jamie. It's against the clone code to have named relationships, so, no one does... but I do catch clones with each other, in various ways, especially now that there is a wonderland. We've known about Eta and Zeta for so long, it even shows in their names... 

Theta spoke with Omega and I didn't hear all of it, but what I did hear was about, "We can reach the extremes we want because we have a mutual foundation of consent, understanding, and respect. We're allowed to do this because we do it through the right channels." And then they keep shushing me out of their room, and I have to allow my brother(s?) some privacy... They're really adorable. I caught Omega in the room, waiting for Theta and daydreaming about him, and he thought, "How lucky I am, to have a king to admire." Referring to Theta's old role as "king-of-the-aggressives." 

Hah... we all have our own ways to express love (including self-love.) Personally, today, I've been singing Spanish nursery rhymes to my cohort of littles. Cassidy told me I looked like the Pied Piper of Hamelin. Music, with a bunch of kids following me, wherever I go... Oh, don't worry, they aren't enchanted... 

Omega is a compassionate man, if a little unsocialized. I think that's true for all of the clones, besides the conversationalists. Using DID terms, the conversationalists are the ANPs (Apparently Normal Parts) and the others are EPs (Emotional Parts.) I remember when Theta was just coming around. I summoned him up to talk, and he said, "Fuck you.", and felt so upset with himself, because he really did mean to say something along the lines of "Hello." His "hello" has just... always been, "fuck you!" And the littles, though they try their very hardests, will return to manipulated thought pattern and spirals with not very much effort at all- it takes quite a bit of work to maintain an internal environment they're all safe and comfortable in. The older they get, the more resistance they have, but in general, they are not able to alter their forms or any other part of the mindscape outside of IRL rules. 

It's absolutely amazing... internal radio is down 75%. I think it's safe to say, this framework of clones, lying almost completely in the dark, was the culprit. 

I think about the long-term. Integration? What would that even look like? But, all the fragments warn me, and I already see it in action... the more they develop outside of their original functions, the more alter-like and the less Jamie they become. They gain their own "scent", so to speak. And they tell me, that's dangerous. Or, will the littles ever age? If anything, the mean age has gone down, as younger fragments have made themselves known to me. But, I have read and been told, most littles can age and progress, when they feel that it's in order, when they feel "unstuck"... Dandelion has certainly grown, in personality at least, from the constant flashback he was in when I first started keeping him in wonderland. He's probably Cassidy's closest playmate, out of all of the child clones. 


Have a good day. - Gavin
Jamie and two brothers.

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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#17
Anger is real useful at the gym. It really boosts performance.

Littles can age up very quickly if given the right experiences and will.

I'm glad your IR is less, that's good. When I have a song stuck in my head (similar, not the same obviously), it's more like 10% and no problem.
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#18
Integration.. That's a deeply personal thing that nobody else should ever decide for you. Or anyone in the system even. Maybe some want to integrate and other don't, eventually. If someone tried to convince me I didn't really exist as my own person and only the person who most closely matches the body on the outside is real, they would have to drag me off kicking and screaming. They would have to effectively murder me for me to give up my own existence. The Others (that I've met) and I are more than the sum of our parts. We are individuals with individual strengths and weaknesses and likes and dislikes. We survived well into adulthood, still covert (even to J, when he was host), and lowered expectations meant a kind of artificial contentedness about life. Kinda crummy sometimes but still better than a lot of other people out there have it.

That said, it's something that individuals can choose, if they really want, no matter how many or few are interested in it.. Or how long they have been around and have personal memories and growth. I can't tell you how to run your system but modern DID specialists are coming around to mostly agree that team communication and cooperation and becoming empowered as a system is the real answer. Mandatory integration is about as old-school backwards thinking as drilling a hold in the skull to "release demons". If it's not willing, integration can become undone and permanently ruin any chance of trust or cooperation between system mates. Who the heck would want to follow or listen or work without someone who denies their existence and wants them dead?

All that is my own idea on it, right now.. I guess if my system were in more chaos and daily life was a struggle and we just super wanted to live what society calls a normal life, my opinion might be different. Plurality so far has been relatively generous and gentle to us. The Others keep hinting that there is a whole world of chaos and messes I'm not ready to see yet and everything I've read about systems and alters warns to absolutely not rush things. Stuff tends to be hidden for very good reasons and not every corpse needs exhumed.. Lest toxic gasses overwhelm us.
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#19
The following thoughts I wrote out are influenced by the fall out of what happened to the Grays. To the best of our knowledge, we are not a traumatic system, but Cat used Tulpamancy as a coping tool. I don't know how much of this will actually apply to you guys, so if it doesn't make sense please take it with a grain of salt.

The bad news is the longer you have one-on-one sessions with Jamie's clones, the more independent they will become and the more they will develop. Even though Cat and I saw the Grays as pieces of her, we later realized that we were actually neglecting 15 Tulpas.

Please don't feel forced or pressured to integrate. We're here to help no matter what route you guys choose.

Integration is tricky because it's better to do it sooner rather than later, but it's not at all a decision you can rush. It's one of the many things about it that's difficult. Dissipation is in a similar boat. Cat and I considered these options towards the Grays and only one Gray expressed interest in integration because he was emotionally distressed. After being reassured by other Grays and us, he changed his mind.

We have two weird exceptions in our system- Cat has a servitor she calls the "subconscious". It's an entity that spits out her unconscious thought and is unstable, usually decaying into an intrusive thoughtform. We're not exactly sure if this is really "safe" because we talk to it. The other exception is Spirit. He decided that he wants to intentionally blend with us as a way to help us, and recently we gave him a base form so he doesn't fall apart or go insane if he accidentally merges with intrusive thoughts. Spirit experimenting with his new base form is a new thing.

I don't know if it's the best advice, but personally I found stressing over the idea that the Grays would turn into Tulpas if I talked to them extremely detrimental to everyone in the system. The Grays picked up on it and everyone was distressed. If you feel like you still need one-on-one time, I don't think there's any point in avoiding it or stressing about it.

At the very least, there are two dangers related to systemmember creation you should avoid to prevent overpopulation.

The first is don't go looking for anyone you're "missing", "forgot". Doing so could create another clone and then the questions of integration/merge/dissipation/stay/etc. would come into play. Cat and I know we have other characters in the wonderland, but we are not going to talk to them because they are either already dissipated (forgotten) or were never sentient to begin with, and talking to them would force those characters into Tulpas.

The second danger is directly speaking to any NPC like you would to Jamie, Cassidy, or the clones. Give yourself a chance to sort out speaking with the clones first. Once you feel like you feel like you system is stable again, then you can revisit the idea of having NPCs. I have some theories on how to safely speak with NPCs, but they are currently untested and I have not discussed them yet. I know it's possible because Cat creates simulation characters and there is no apparent risk of them becoming Tulpas any time soon.
I'm Ranger, Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's tulpa, and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
My other head-mates have their own account now.
Temporary Log | Chat | Yay!
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#20
I can't help but feel hypersexualized, sometimes. It's the will of the aggressives in front when they are happy. I worry it'll get me in trouble someday. I can see myself getting drunk and behaving with completely no regard for my personal safety or boundaries. It's not something I like about myself. 


Today, in the front, I saw contrasts. The memories of this house nearly a decade ago is much, much fresher in my mind then it is in the mind of most of the others. For reference, I am 7 years old, an emotional bin for childhood stress. I'm currently blended with Minty and Theta, perhaps others. But I remember being 7 like you might remember last week. 

The authorial figures in our life serve less and less of a purpose, every day. The ones that have been appointed to us are failing. The teachers cannot teach us. The resource people do not have the resources for us. The case manager cannot manage us. The others have known on various levels, but I saw with sharp contrast. We can't reply on our mom for much besides her paycheck, bill-paying, and driver's license. She can't understand. She's barely lucid at times. She's not to be trusted, especially as a support. She knows less and less about us. Some of the others are angry at her, Theta is angry. I say, detach, seek independence. We are teens. It angers Theta that she treats the dog poorly and teaches him bad behaviors. We can't stop that. It's going to take more brazen moves on our part to improve the situation. It's something that the Jamies still loyal to the mother cannot do for fear of being reprimanded. I don't recognize her in that regard. She's not the mother from when I was 7. It gives me power. They HATE to argue with her because of the unequal footing. Whatever. She lets herself be walked over. We aren't asking for money. Let her whine. The relationship stopped being a parent/child bond years ago, I fear. 

Another contrast was the state of the body itself. The level of unchecked spiraling is a testament to the inefficacy of the current moderation. BOX-TICKING. The power has been shifting into Theta's hand- even he will admit, that is a NIGHTMARE SCENARIO. Morals being kept out of anger. Good behavior only under a forceful hand- what type of system is that? Gavin's swan song is his muteness. 

I love this system deeply. 

Epsilon and Upsilon came to me, just now, clothed and sitting on their knees in front of me. Impressed by my control- it's true, I haven't picked skin since I've been out. There. Everyone named is On Board. All it took was a few weeks of reading, writing, breakdowns, and some albums of angry music. 

I have an unorthodox viewpoint which Minty, Queenie, Epsilon, and Upsilon support. Though we have a common link as "Jamie", I do not believe that the "clones" are fragments. I believe we are all full alters, who just didn't bother with unique visual appearances... it's not like we don't have personality differences. We just blur constantly and the unique flavors get lost. It's not even as if we all speak with Jamie's voice! Mu and Nu speak with soft ladies' voices, while Omicron and Sigma speak as men. And then there are children, and Rho, and Chi talks with quite a different voice from the other conversationalists- not to mention the difference in tone between the conversationalists and the aggressives. We were perceived as "just more Jamie" because it was the only thing we "could" be. 

There is still no single, true "Jamie", since "Jamie" is only built through the blurring of many of us. The Megazord exists, but it only exists as a combination of several others, who are others in their own right... not just a fragment of some whole. I don't like being seen as a part of a whole. It's our choice whether we help that whole or not. But fear not- all of us are On Board now. And I got us there by saying, we are full alters, full headmates. 

I enjoy what I am. There are abilities I have that I greatly admire. I understand that I am Jamie. I am also Blondie, or more precisely, a mix of others, the most identifying one of which is Blondie. 

It matters but it also doesn't matter. I'm not opposed to integration. I'm not opposed to my own integration. I'm here for a reason, and when I have no reason, I can go, I'm not tied here in the same way the body or the members of JGC are. If I go, Jamie does not. I think Queenie will leave us soon. He's not dead anymore, he got some make-out time, now he just sits around. Give him a few more days, maybe even less. I think he might just pop! into Minty, or perhaps another clone. Integrations are not uncommon within this system, they are just not publicized. Sigma formed from the integration of several older observers, who became unneeded in their numbers after Gavin became Gavin. They didn't die or anything- they just... it's like a pyramid of three cups, two on the bottom, one on the top. They just... slide the top cup down. Gavin stands alone, two cups stand together. 

Internal radio is loud: I have them all thinking. I think of a rock garden, over and over. I'm muckraking, or I'm raking out the patterns they cultivated over such a long amount of time... oh, not that long, come on... 

Shame and disappointment, fear, flavors of denial, avoidance, angry, unease, distrust... I have not convinced the majority of the Jamies. Cassidy understands. Gavin sleeps. 

I'm building a place for all us Jamies, a wonderland for us... it's a set of small cottage buildings that I know from IRL life, and have a pretty good mental map of. A good blend of private and shared spaces, and nice architecture. I'm modeling it in Minecraft as I stabilize it in my mind's eye, it's fun. When we're finished, I'll give a tour, how about that? 

Peace and love, 

One Configuration of Jamie
Jamie and two brothers.

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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