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Oops, All Jamie | Exploring the Workings of a Fragmented Host
#31
Congratulations Honeybee, that's cute!

[Ashley] sorry Jamie and Gavin, we didn't read the hidden. We understand you're going through a lot, we right there with you in terms of 'going through a lot' just not in the same exact way and it's not a contest.
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#32
Thank you both, and no worries in the slightest. - G
Jamie and two brothers.

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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#33
I had a big, "oh, shit, I'm back in the pit, no, I don't want to be this deep in the pit..." moments. I haven't really changed my clothes in like three or four days, I'm at this point where I actually should to shave my face and I haven't been, and the big one is, I'm just laying in bed and dissociating and crying. No one gives a shit IRL! The removable shelf on my desk fell out and everything, including a jar full of tiny aquirum pebbles, fell absolutely everywhere over the floor, and it's been there for like a week. I'm running on empty, just trying not to do bad things. 

I wonder if I fucked it up. Gavin had so many reservations about coming over to the mainstream school, and we had a bit of a spat (not an angry one) because it was likely that he was going to be fronting for all that time (true) but I was the one deciding it for him. Gavin didn't want to do that, I did, and my word had final say. But ever since I started going over to the mainstream school, I come home from school and I lay down in bed and I'm done. I'm empty. Lay down in the dark, dick around on my phone, age-regress, feed my hamster, cry and try not to self harm, fall asleep, repeat. It feels like a failure. It's been a wonder socially! I get to talk to people... I've made 2 friends already, and I'm talking to even more people. But I can't deny that it sucks up so much energy. It's not as simple as noise-blocking headphones. I just suck at existing, is the conclusion I keep finding myself at. 


Quote:Tao exists in one’s own true self.
It cannot be found outside of one’s true nature.
Hence, there is no need to leave the house to take journey in order to know the world.
There is no need to look outside of the window to see the nature of Tao.
The further one departs from Tao, the less one will be able to know.
Therefore a saint is wise to know without seeking for It.
He is wise to understand without seeing It.
He is wise to accomplish according to the Natural Way.


That is not my favorite translation of the Tao Te Ching, but I can't find my copy. 

I don't suck at existing. I suck at existing that way. High school is not where I'm really capable of existing. "Just as fish live in deep water and cannot survive after being taken out of the depths." My family bought an angelfish once and it died soon after being put in our tank. The tank conditions were clearly not right for it. Nothing was wrong with the angelfish. 

I woke up this morning still overloaded from yesterday, when I had some nasty flashbacks since my mom was, for some god-forbidden reason, telling me stories about my father on the drive home after therapy. I was drained and raw, and remembered that oh, yeah, [spoiler]"bitch"[spoiler] was my dad's insult of choice. I think she thinks I remember but I just don't talk about it. I don't talk about him because I have very few memories. They really fought a lot. 
Quote:Why do I have to carry yesterday with me, this morning? I just want to be over this. 
 

I didn't want it to be my birthday, I just wanted it to be Saturday... My therapist had said some stuff to me that made me realize some things, and I was really upset. I realized I didn't have any clean clothes and I meant to wash some after school, but ofc after school, and grocery shopping, and therapy, I just went and laid in bed. My stomach started hurting so bad, and that started up flashbacks, and I just laid there. I woke up twice in the night, one of my littles did actually. I'm a little concerned someone has done something I don't remember. Everything was healing up, or at least I thought so, but now I feel so physically sick again... however, I also ran out of ibuprofen... And as stated above, I haven't been keeping clean at all, and I've just been curled up in a ball for the largest part of the day. 

I wanted to pull out of my birthday plans but I knew if I did that, my mom would be mad and call me rude. So we went to the bookstore, (and the grocery store again...) and the bead store, and then I came home and I curled up in bed. It was so much. Book stores, grocery stores, and bead stores are all places with so many little things with so much detail wall-to-wall, with lots of smells, and in the case of the first two, lots of people. I haven't had a sensory shutdown this year: I got really close today. 

I went to take a nap instead, but a little switched out and played with the new toys, in the dark ofc... but that was nice. I can't stress how much I just need a long time in the dark and quiet in order to function. I also can't stress how much it upsets me to spend so much time in the dark and quiet. Don't you LOVE your iron lung? 
Quote:Other people don't need to do this.
God, I'm such a teenager! Don't I know I'm not other people? Don't we all, including myself, deserve a compassionate and welcoming touch? 

I want to marry someone that's more introverted than me. I want them to look at me like I'd look at someone asking me to go skydiving when I say, "let's go out for dinner." Really? Really, let's do it. What an adventure! What a rare experience! What a thrill! Let's do that again someday- maybe even next year, if the conditions are right? 

You might say, how would you get to know them? What would you do together? Well, do you really get to know someone while skydiving, or are you more caught up in the nonsense of chemicals happening in your brain? You can't have a good conversation in a place that's too loud. Any room with 15+ people is likely to be too loud for me. I'm not going to get to know people in public, just about. At some points (like now), this fact makes me want to bash my teenage head against a wall. 



There is a new child part, really an old child part, but new to me. Cassidy had suspected his existence for quite some time, but it wasn't safe to pursue it further. Sometimes people need to stand on the peripheries and just be on that fringe of awareness, so that they can build up a little more trust and understanding. His being around has been a shock to me. They really do remember things I do not. The challenge and the danger was not for the little accepting us, it was for me (the older Jamies) accepting the reality of the traumas that this little remembers. 

I got this muslin doll, a blank one with no face or clothes besides underwear, but this little LOVES it. Had a panic attack and held the doll's hand for comfort, and boom, bonded. It's stiffer than most of my stuffed toys, I think that's the appeal. And it's a new stuffie, no baggage. 


When, instead of napping, a little came out to play with my new dolls, he was making them kiss. I asked, "Are they girlfriends?" No. "Are they wives?" Huh? "Are they married?" No, they're both girls. "Women can marry each other like women and men can." Oh... huh.... well they still aren't wives. Or maybe this one is married to another man, but I don't think this one is. 

(sexual trauma mentions, but it's about me figuring out a good coping thing) 
I've been really worried about how to react to my littles acting sexually, specifically, what should I do if they play-act imbalanced sexual situations? It's been sorta a nonissue, and often, it's beneficial. Saves me some skin, even. There's often that compulsion to reenact what's happening in a flashback, or just general confusion that ends up with masturbation because "orgasm will be the end of it, just get it over with, NOW." But several times now, just since getting the muslin doll and the cats, my littles have grabbed them up and showed me sexual things via proxy instead of via their bodies. I've tried drawing a few times, and Cassidy drew pages and pages of drawings when he was more age-regressed, but in general, it has a few big pitfalls. First, starting with a blank page is unappealing and intimidating. You have to go to draw, specifically to draw. With the dolls, you can just... hold them, or make them do literally anything else. Second, I already have bad history with someone standing over my shoulder and telling me my art is useless and disgustingly bad and I should stop it right there- I had a writing phobia for 4 years, and it's not so much cured as in remission. Dolls do not have that baggage, for me. Lastly, the art remains there... easy to rip out, rip up, and throw away, and easy to obsess over... "what an awful thing I made." With dolls, they can be put into positions and then put into new positions, with no evidence of what happened. Expression with very little trace. 

I want a dollhouse. I have all these memories of an old dollhouse I had. We got it in a garage sale and gave it away to the Goodwill. In my memory, it was massive, but really it was probably just about as wide as the average house window ledge. I love the look of Calico Critter dolls and clothes and the furniture, but the houses... eh. The dolls and furniture are worth the price, they are little works of art, but 42 dollars for this? (Just the house, not any of the furniture or the doll) 

[Image: SF5242.jpg?1498161171]
Two rooms connected by a ladder? No thanks!

This is the only one that might be worth it, but I'd still try and find it used, because 75 bucks is a lot to spend on art, even art that doubles as a toy. 

[Image: SF5343.jpg?1569809641][Image: SF5343.jpg?1569809638]
This one includes all the furniture and two dolls for 75 bucks. I got a pack of 4 dolls for 20 bucks and a full room of furniture for 20 bucks today. So two dolls in this set would be 10 bucks, and then maybe 30 bucks for all the furniture, and that puts the value of the structure at 35 dollars. 35 dollars for a three-room house with a balcony and a porch. Then there's a log cabin that comes only with hammocks, no other furniture or dolls, but is somehow also 75 dollars? 

Even in a money-pit of a hobby like dolls, I have to consider cost over value. Some of these things are a rip-off. My phone cost 60 bucks. I want cute dolls and I want a dollhouse, but I wouldn't enjoy it if I know I could have put that money to better use. 

Luckily, the perceived value drops significantly for collectibles the second the package is opened, so if you're like me and couldn't care less about the box, you can buy used... I saw that 75 dollar set had sold for 20 bucks off Ebay, all pieces included, good condition. 

I know I'm talking a lot about dolls, but I honestly haven't been so stoked about anything in a long time. I nearly started hyperventilating when I had finally decided to buy them, I just wanted to go home and open them up and touch them, they are fuzzy and soft. 

I've talked and thought a lot, and felt a lot like I'm living a lie and that I'm not doing what will actually make me happy... I realize now, when I say, "I don't want things" or "I have no preference", I often DO, it's just that my parts inside can't form a consensus that will agree with Public Jamie. I went to the bookstore thinking, "I literally don't want anything out of the bookstore..." but then... they'd moved their toy section, expanded it, and I walked along the row of baby toys, and I said, oh hell, I'll go look through... I realized that Calico Critters, unlike a lot of other toys, are seen also as fancy collectibles, not exclusively for kids... and that meant, the older parts could allow the little parts to express their deep, strong desire for TOYS. I went from 0 interest and a level of frustration, to present-of-a-lifetime excitement and giddiness. 

Oh, crap, it's not my birthday anymore. Goodnight. -J
Jamie and two brothers.

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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#34
Oh nice! Finding a long-lasting hobby is hard, especially when system-mates don't always agree. Might not be exactly what you meant with "parts". I find choices almost impossible if we can't agree on some middle ground. It feels hollow for whoever decided if co with someone who disagrees.
Hi! I'm one of the most active fronters of our system, together with my headmates, Xar, Reisen, and Kurisu. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue box stuff and we're set to explore all time, forum and space.
Our Journey(PR)
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#35
Lots of death talk, be mindful of your mental state, I'm pessimistic tonight and always a weasel. 

Left that server :P
Was kinda my bad, I knew they'd get fed up of me. They were really offended that I thought being my gender had anything to do with trauma. Said it was transphobic to think that. And I've been talking about it all a LOT there. I think coming into contact with about a dozen alters that didn't know I was a guy, I dunno, affected me. Even in the gender department. 

It was one of those things, I liked the one older guy's advice, but there was this little cohort of trans guys that have only even been out for like a year or two, telling me off and insisting I'm not a guy and that I'm just ignorant. Kinda have to recognize your audience. They are members and proponents of the culture I've been whining against.... we don't like what we're saying to each other. 

I was told my gender confusions are because I'm not communist... then I thought, why tf am I listening to your advice? I'm so turned off, this isn't good for anyone involved. He kept saying I needed to read a book and then I wouldn't have problems because I clearly just don't know enough, I said okay give me book recs, he was actually upset that I asked? 
He said "you can read this if have a high reading level" 
Probably didn't mean it as insulting but I got insulted at that point, the one guy (who was one of the guys that had big beef with the other DID system in the server, was calling the system names in DMs, "come fite me pussy" shit) kinda posted a big wall about how I've been using them up and he doesn't like the words I use and I felt the click like- finally! I can go! This is permission!

So I left.

I always fear "using up" friendships and relstionships like tissue boxes, but I also actively do that. The hardest intrusives for me to toss out are those about wanting those dear to me to die. It's a sticky wicket. I want out, out out out out! 

The only big human deaths in my life have all been to people who were suffering so much, they caused other people great harm because they couldn't control themselves anymore. And they were people that suffered such bad long deaths I was happy and relieved when they died. 


I feel such freedom when I'm cut free of bonds. I fantasize about hurting all my friends so that I'll be alone, I know lots of people do it subconsciously, but I want to actively push all their vunerabilities at once. I cannot stop thinking about killing my dog and hamster. It's just fantasy, out the door. But I feel like a bad person and nothing makes that go away.

I hate when I get honest looks at myself. It's like getting a view of your colonoscopy. Oh, is this what I am, shit? I won't stand for that. No, I won't stand for anything so long as this camera is up my ass. 

I am seeking help... I'm doing everything right and I feel worse than ever. When do I get to feel better? I just want out, I'm not patient. 

I was living off lies before, but haven't you seen the strength of bull-headedness? I was living off it. Now I have nothing. Everyone who tells me I can't go back now, I want to throw a toddler-worthy tantrum. They aren't wrong. 
Wah (?)

I don't want to be strange- I don't want to be political- I don't want to fall into the same traps- I don't want to be hospitalized- I don't want to have problems- I don't want to be mentally ill. 

I wish I could believe in God but I'm a faithless person. Fall on your knees once from intuitive knowledge of a greater divinity, you'll be like Cassidy and have a thriving relationship. Have it happen dozens of times over years, and go, "oh shit." It's just another chemical something, even if it feels transendent. Things that feel undeniable are deniable. Passion that feels endless can be nipped in the bud. Turn it away at the door.

I would like to be invisble... I laid in bed frozen for at least a half hour thinking that... I only left with the intention to find something to hurt myself with- but they were all missing, oh, Gavin...  rascal.

I think I made it all up... Or more specifically, Cassidy made up the memories that I have, of my abuse. 
Call the littles a kink, call the girls a kink, none of this is new, call everything a disgusting peversion to be hidden forever... I regret finding out about tulpamancy. I want to go back, back, back. It's changed my life so drastically. Who in God's name knows where I'd be without having found tulpamancy?

Occam's razor is not kind to my abuse denial. 

I am very upset at the idea of moving to my grandfather's house. It scares parts of myself deeply. I have blurry memories of lots of nights being whisked away to impromptu spend the night. Away from my stuffed animals and my mom.... 

I spooked awake and my first instinct was that I needed to go to my mom's room in order to sleep on the floor by her bed like I did when I was small: realizing that I'm 17, I cried deeply. 

Why did I open Pandora's box? 
Stoic beliefs do not like idiocy, the cornerstone is the rational part of the mind.

I'm sharp in the same way a broken snowglobe is sharp. Really wish I wasn't- oh, such a mess! 

I can't do certain things anymore but the stigma of the accomadations, the crutch needed might kill me... Gavin challenges here. But I'll have to answer questions I don't want asked. What, would you rather die? Oh don't get me started. 

Terror, shame; denial, repression. No one will have me as I am save for Gavin. Not even God. 

-J
Jamie and two brothers.

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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#36
Hey Jamie, hang in there dude.

Pssst Gavin, so, my teen-angst-o-meter just pegged. Help that guy. *pats back*
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#37
I read the little self-help articles for shame and I agree theory-wise, but I hear their proposed solutions and think, "oh no, I need something far more heavy-duty." But it can't be freaking Christ! *wags finger at religion*

The School of Life's bit was that, if replacing your belief that "I'm disgusting" with "I'm beautiful" is too hard, instead believe that all of humanity is imperfect, you along with them, and have mercy and compassion. 

But I have standards for humanity- there are acts that I will not allow to fall under the realm of "normal and forgivable human imperfection." 

The typical litmus test is "Did it hurt anyone? No? Then it's fine." But, as I've been telling and confunding Gavin with, it's hurt myself. 

I feel like no one can understand, that I can't even really understand- and I wasn't even forced, these aren't actions I took in my abuser's basement, they are actions I took in my bedroom, freely. 

A new alter has been bubbling up, although I've noted their presence for several years actually, which is kinda cool, except I'm at that junction again where I have my hands over my eyes screaming "Oh god, look at this monster that shares a body with me." Hurting my possessions and acting without regards to my feelings or my sensitive shame. Gavin is so hands-off lately although I feel sometimes like he's got puppet strings all around my insides. I think he knows the more he preaches the less I hear. It's better for the traveling doctor to hear "What took you so long?" rather than "Why have you come again?" 

Cassidy is developing a sense of situational sharpness like Gavin, I can see him growing wiser to me. He gatekeeps well, as in, "You, come with me, you, time to go dormant, you, come to Gavin with me. No, he needs to cool down first, okay, now let him in."

I have to stop myself from shutting myself down from thinking of my extreme shame. It's a bit of denialism that pretty much everyone will support for me. I think these crazy strong shame-led thoughts, mostly suicidal things ("I can't live with what I've done.") and then go... "Gawd, what an edgelord." 

Oh ho ho, sorry for saying a shame-led thought! That's so edgy, phbbt. Nonsense! 

It really isn't socially acceptable for understandable reasons, but on the inside the rules are different. I can't dismiss my patterns of thinking even if they're "stupid edgelord crap." I really want to die because of the horrible things I've done and the shame that consumes me. It's not a "Oh there's no hope or reason" suicidality, although I've felt that one too... this one is pointy and says directly, "I morally ought to kill myself." I don't want to die so much as deserve to die. And that's pretty extreme, hopefully I don't need to say. The most common stuff I find about suicide is aimed against the "wanting" rather than the "deserving". 

I don't think it's at all uncommon for people to think they deserve punishments, or maybe even a certain type of death, but I don't think I've personally known anyone who so actively thought "I need to kill myself because of what I did." But maybe that's just because we all tend to not want to mention what we did.

I had an awful flashback last night, probably lasted 2 hours total which is horrendous. I sort of saw it coming, building up, but my response was to put off sleep... but that just meant I was exhausted... In order to avoid nightly flashbacks, I have to be put to bed like a small child, not allowed to get more than a little tired and sleepy lest I turn into a monster...

I was really panicky, Gavin was doing all the usaul things but it wasn't helping much. I hate the memories and how I feel when they hit. After maybe a half hourish I was just wiped and raw and I really thought the baby, Albatross, was going to switch in, which is incredibly welcomed because Albatross responds very well to comforting and will fall right asleep. But it was a different alter, who didn't recognize/respond properly to Gavin (big red flag), who could barely talk or communicate, and who had enough dark-magic stamina to actively hurt the body for an hour straight. Nothing permanent or even that damaging, I'm just sore and tired. But fucking hell. The shame. I'll say the word zoophilia once but my head will crack open ear-to-ear and my brain will jump out of my skull if I talk too much about it, at least at this point. 

 I can't take the road of "I didn't do anything wrong" nor "I didn't hurt anyone."  

When alters can't talk it makes me really feel grief. I don't know why that specifically. 

Give it like two weeks and I swear, this alter will probably be another pint-sized dweeb running around with Cassidy's little herd... or now, Mu and Nu have the attic really set up to be secure and comforting, and Omega, Albatross, and Honeybee (the three youngest) stay there mostly. Alters that don't communicate are wild cards insofar as mental age but I can't see this alter acting 17. Rough estimate of 7-9.


No one here actually goes by 17. The oldest is 14. My average is, uhhhh... well, 12 the last time I checked, but I'm going to guess it's around 10 now. And that should hopefully sum up why I don't want to date for a very long time. I'm not saying you can't date with underage parts, but most of my hosty parts even are 14, one is 12, and even that's hardly fair to fellow 17yos... 

I just want to grieve, when I find new parts... And I wish I could tell more people, even, but these things are so confusing... Wow!- look at you... 


Gavin's original name with one half a letter difference popped up in an off-topic thread (Don't go looking- you won't be able to find it) and it made him laugh a lot, in the context.

I have a pretty simple question, I'll ask it elsewhere.
- J
Jamie and two brothers.

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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