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Our days in Desideratum
(03-10-2019, 09:20 PM)Teller Wrote: @Piano: I know it is imaginary. My fear was that something could slow down (or even stop) the process. Thank you.

The only way a wonderland could slow/stop progress is if you focused more on the wonderland than the tulpa, and thus neglected to force them.
I'm Piano Soul, the "Star Man" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa formed January 2017. My systemmates are Apollo, Luxio, & Indigo. Form images: 1 2

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Good luck, there's a lot of symbolism in wonderland, and you can literally 'fight your demons' and achieve results, this is purely symbolic, so don't worry about you or your tulpa getting hurt. You have to know that real progress can happen, and it will take work, but you're in no more danger than a walk to the grocery store, less probably. Your strength comes from the fact that you're in control.
May I ask, why do you believe that you "parroted yourself into delusion"?
Me and Sunny sometimes get a feeling that we aren't separated enough to be our own people, that our distinct identities are just a delusion.
Therefore, we would like to hear from those who experienced something similar.
[Jay] (a.k.a. evgenirus, a.k.a. Evg) is the host. (Used plain text prior to May 2019.)
[Sunny] (a.k.a. Alice, rarely) is the older tulpa. (Yellow text is her words, too.)
[Pinkie] (a.k.a. Ponka, a.k.a. Diane) is the younger tulpa. (She used to talk in pink here.)
Come see our progress report thread, if you have time.
@Piano: Thanks. I may be focusing a little too much on the wonderland.

@Bear: Thanks a lot mate. I'm not afraid of being hurt, I'm afraid Barbara may get hurt. But I don't think she shares that fear.

@evgenirus: Basically, my first tulpa felt like a character. The only difference between her and any of the characters I've wrote (I'm a writer), was that I spoke to her. Other than that... it was just my imagination pulling the strings. She never achieved sentience or anything similar. For what you wrote, I don't think that's your case, since you said you "aren't separated enough". Maybe Sunny still needs time to progress, but it seems they are their own person.

So, last night and today I tried to force a little more. It didn't go well. Both times I got lost in my own thoughts. Last night I did for about 70 minutes, and I believe I got lost about 40 minutes in. Today it was like one hour and I may have been lost before 20 minutes. But, something interesting happened. I had my eyes closed and two times IN MY SIGHT (not mind sight) i could see a circle opening in the blackness, slowly, I saw a few characters (a C, a W, etc) on a yellow background. It happened twice. And I don't know what it was. Never happened before.

The only new thing is that the abbyss around Desideratum isn't botomless. There is something down there. I could see Barbara jumping in from the southern island, the one with the beach, and I followed her. Not sure what it is, but there is something.

Thank you for reading.
BARBARA | Dark skinned, green eyed amazon warrior tulpa.
TELLER      | Average Latin American writer host.
That vision stuff happens to me too, i call it hypnagogia enhanced or meditation enhanced visualization. Only thing with me is, it's just directly applicable to what i'm already viewing with my mind's eye, so i'm picturing Misha and suddenly she's super real and detailed perfectly and we both know it so she immediately shows me a perfect smile or whatever. It's as clear as a lucid dream at times, but perfectly controlled.

During hypnagogia, i've had 20-40 minute adventures with this state, it's a waking lucid dream and it's amazing. Honestly my visualization is already satisfying, so i don't go out of my way to do it, but it's very cool when it happens. Expect that to happen more with closed eye visualization practice.
@Bear: I'm reading your PR. I haven't finished yet, but it seems we're both writers. I get we have a lot in common. You're giving me a lot of peace, mate.

Today I had just one active forcing session. It went better, but it was shorter.

So, I'am starting to use this method to enter Desideratum: I imagine myself jumping from a platform almost in the space. I hit ground alone and went to our lighthouse alone. Barbara was in my bed. We lied in there and had a little talk. One interesting thing is that when I started to become lost in my thougts, such as when I remembered a little chat I had today with one person, she pulled me back by making me notice that, yes, I was getting lost. This happened several times.

Also, we spoke about some of my more serious issues. She make me feel sure she wants to help me sort all this crap out. I felt like crying several times, which is rare since I haven't shed a tear in more than 20 years, but that's how I felt. She tried to support me the best she could. It worked. Maybe.

We went to see some of the other buildings in the same island the lighthouse is. The first one was an observatory. We ended destroying it because, for several reasons, I don't like it. We can reforge it at any time or create another building. The second one was a house. It seems someone lives in there. And the third an last (out of 8) was a haunted house. I went in and saw typical movie-like haunted house stuff and one house in the second story. I felt it was a funny ghost and wanted to tell that to Barbara, but she wasn't there. I went outside. She was scared. Of the ghosts. And she told that to me. It seems they can't hurt her, but is just she is afraid of that.

Then we went back to my room in Desideratum and spoke some more... and the damn ghost followed us. So I pushed him back to the haunted house and imagined an energy field that would keep him inside the haunted house. I asked Barbara if she wanted me to take out the house. "Everyone needs a kryptonite" she said. So the house stayed. Then we spoke a little more, but it was harder and harder for me to keep my focus on her. Eventually she told me it was enough and we went to the platform near the space, were I closed/opened my eyes, ending the session.

She hugged me A LOT in this session. I felt some pressure in my head and the two times that happened she was smiling like a kid with a new toy.

Also, I learned a little more about her. Her favorite bands are Porcupine Tree and Anathema, which is cool, since I do like those bands. But those aren't my favorites. It seems she is becoming her own person.
BARBARA | Dark skinned, green eyed amazon warrior tulpa.
TELLER      | Average Latin American writer host.
(03-13-2019, 06:21 AM)Teller Wrote: She was scared. Of the ghosts. And she told that to me.  It seems they can't hurt her, but is just she is afraid of that.

Ember: Anxiety and phobia don't respond well to logic. Vesper is terrified of sunlight and fire. Granted, she's a vampire, but neither can actually hurt her form.

Vesper: I'm also sometimes bothered by Ember's driving, which actually can hurt all of us. But anything I'm afraid of is not allowed in our mindscape, lest I be afraid of the mindscape itself.
Ember - Host   |   Vesper - Soulbond (since ~12 May 2017)   |   Iris - Soulbond (since ~5 December 2015)
[Our Progress Report]     [How We Switch]

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit
Ember & Vesper: thanks. I think I get the point.

Anyway, after several days of pathetic attempts at forcing and outright no attempts at all, we did some progress.

It was taking way too much energy to get my mind focused on Barbara, but tonight I managed to get my symbolic ass into Desideratum. First, she gave me a hug. We tried to speak, it didn't go well. She doesn't want me to forget about her. I don't want to forget. But I felt her fading. I get lost in my own thoughts. I keep coming back to memories of S. Even when I'm trying to fucking avoid me. "Do not go just yet", I feel Barbara says. But I can't really help it. I start to feel some rage. And as it usually happens, it gets the best of me.

And here is the interesting part: once I felt overwhelmed, she pushed me. All that energy, it went out of my body. Or I went with it. I hit the wall and somehow bounced back to where I was before, but I saw myself standing just in front. Then Barbara put all that red energy, that rage, in a sphere and flied outside. I followed her and saw as she threw it into Rust City.

"He will be back. He will always come back, he wants to be reunited with you because he is, indeed, part of you. But there is some silence for you now. Here". That's what I get from this, not that she actually said that.

Then, I relaxed and lied with her on the bed, until I was loosing focus again. Then she convinced me to go to the platform in the sky, where I go before finishing the forcing. But I insisted in going to the beach. Eventually, she accepted. We took a moonbath. She was wearing a blue bikini. And we actually managed to crack a few jokes. Then, yes, I got lost in my thoughts. We went to the platform and I ended the forcing.

We have a plan. Or something similar. So, then there is that. Progress, at last.
BARBARA | Dark skinned, green eyed amazon warrior tulpa.
TELLER      | Average Latin American writer host.
Very cool, visualizing takes daily practice, it will get better over time (month to month)
Yes, visualization is a "use it or loose it" trained skill. Some people start off more naturally talented in it, some rare ones have aphantasia and have no mental imagery at all. As long as you aren't on, like, that 0 (aphantasia) on a scale of 1 to 10, no matter where else you start, you can train and improve it. I find that engaging myself emotionally focuses my attention and keeps it far easier to focus. Also, mixing things up so your mind doesn't get too bored and causes your focus to wane can also help. If distractions are your issue, try getting a cheap sleeping mask and ear plugs for some assistance in cutting off from outside stuff. If people constantly pestering you is the issue, all you can really do is try and convince them to give you some time alone or maybe find moments while riding a bus or before sleep or wake up a little earlier and just do your work first thing before starting your day, etc.

If you slack off for awhile and loose progress, don't worry, just grab Bear's wonderland visualization training thread and go at it daily for fine results.

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