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gnmmarechal

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You seem like a very interesting person, I read through the whole thing. I like people who think like you, and it's upsetting when things proceed in such a way to make their lives miserable. I certainly would enjoy talking with you, perhaps I should send a PM.

"The number of minds in the universe is one."

 

- Erwin Schrodinger

 

Kovie, they or she. 7yo, mentally 19. active.

Vyx, they or he. 7yo, mentally 17. active.

Axen, they or he. age unknown, mentally 26. occasionally active.

Sanu, any pronouns. 5yo, mentally ageless. mostly inactive.

Leo, he/him. 6yo, mentally 21. inactive.

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I've known this person for 10 years, and that person is my best friend. To be honest, I absolutely love her for it. Even though she doesn't know me, she has tried to, and she knows, or suspects, that I am not myself. Weak as I am, I would never be capable of talking about it. With anyone.

Is this a tulpa? Is that why you're here? I know you said you don't wanna talk about it, but it's all digital. It doesn't matter anyway, right? ;)

I don't visit as often as I used to. If you want me to see something, make sure to quote a post of mine or ping me @jean-luc

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It is almost scary how much your story matches mine, and I feel exactly the same sometimes.

 

I don't mean to compare wounds or anything, but you said that you were laughed at from 2nd grade to 9th grade. I was laughed at from Kindergarten up to this point for a disorder I have absolutely no control over. ADHD. In kindergarten I had to go to a psychologist so often that I ended up failing kindergarten. I was such a disruption to the rest of the class that not only was I laughed at, but I was constantly being sent to the guidance counselor. I had low grades because I couldn't concentrate, and I had few friends because I was too hyperactive for anybody to take seriously. I never did anything right and I had an abusive mom throughout it all which only made it worse. I spent most of my childhood in detention, and time-out. It felt like I was a burden to humanity, and teachers began discussing with my mom the possibility that I might be mentally-challenged. So they gave me an I.Q test and a variety of reading comprehension tests and to their surprise they found out that I was gifted.

 

My state test scores were also high so the counselors ended up literally forcing me into honors classes but I failed them all because I still couldn't focus or sit still. My mom couldn't afford medication for my ADHD so she introduced me to coffee because she knew that caffeine temporarily boosts concentration at the expense of also being a stimulant.

 

Nobody could understand me, and I was always the kid that people talked crap about. Eventually I started talking crap back. Then the crap-talking turned into shoving people back when they shoved me--Then I started winning fights against people twice my size, and protecting the very few friends I had. I couldn't develop social skills through friendship, so I developed them through my own personal behavioral psychology research throughout Middle school and High school.

I learned all of my social skills from observation, and I fought physically and emotionally to be normal. I even had a girlfriend at one point, but I screwed that up. But at least I experienced what it was like to not be alone even if it was only temporary.

 

I'm 19 now, and I graduated, but I still haven't grown out of the ADHD. At the restaurant I work at customers and co-workers make fun of me because of my mannerisms, my constant movement, and how short my attention span is.

 

Every day is a battle for normality, but instead of retreating, I fight. Proving that I am worthy of being on this Earth, and proving that I have what it takes to improve humanity in some way.

 

There have been some moments where in a trance I rode my bike to an intersection and lifted my hands off of the handlebars with tears in my eyes--ready to die. But I would always snap out of the trance when I remember that giving up is not an option, because it would only prove to the world that my existence amounted to nothing more than a corpse in the road.

You are 16 years old, and my transition into an entirely new person started at that age. You still have so much time to break the shell. For some the shell kind of sheds itself away, but you might just have to break it.

 

Try pushing yourself to make bolder decisions, but start small. The smaller the better in this case to get you comfortable with being outside of the shell. I'm glad you "dumped your mind" because you can't get bad-ass advice unless you step out of the shell and you did exactly that so I commend you. Just keep pushing yourself in all areas of life and you'll forget that the shell even existed. You'll be surprised of how much could change in just a year or two from now, so don't give up. High school is life's overpass but you'll make it out of it; you just have to fight for it.

 

I hope that my advice helped at least a little bit.

"Sanity is the playground of the unimaginative."

 

Yumi + Cinema

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Thanks for reading this. I wrote my second dump. Its not as long as the first one, but it might have repeated ideas. It basically is what's going on my mind.

@jean-luc , no, it isn't a tulpa.

 

I decided to come here because, unlike many other places, I was sure you wouldnt be... idk. This looks like a very good place tbh.

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I decided to come here because, unlike many other places, I was sure you wouldnt be... idk. This looks like a very good place tbh.

 

Good choice. Communities revolving around anything "outside the norm" is likely to be a haven for people who have experienced the feeling of being shunned by the ignorant society-at-large. An "odd" person is more likely to understand someone else's struggles than a "normal" person, in most cases.

 

I've not had problems with people bullying me (perhaps due to my large size, which I'm grateful for), but I still frequently go through that feeling of being a drain on society. And unfortunately, it's a feeling that isn't easily shaken. One of the biggest things that keep me going is the insignificance of it; even the most influential human in the world is nothing more than a ripple in the grand scheme of things, so whether I'm an asset or a liability is of little importance. It's my life to live, and I'm going to live it wherever it takes me. According to some, you only get the one life. I can rest and relax after it's over.

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Reading your posts reminded me a lot of a friend of mine, and kind of myself a little, maybe. You can message me if you want to talk or anything.

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