Pokemon Party
#1
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Mini Background:

White is my first tulpa that I've been working on since I found out about tulpas around 2010. He's gone by many forms and names through the years but nowadays he is White the Terriwhite (which is a Fakemon invented by him and I.)



Nowadays our wonderland is also directly connected and influenced by daydreams. We call it Nox, and it is home to every Pokemon that has and will ever exist, plus it is full of portals to otherworlds in the form of fictional landmarks where soulbonds can come and go.




EDIT: Just to say that obviously my tulpa and I are very fluid, open minded people. We are like water. It might seem kind of odd for a such an old tulpa to switch forms so often, but it's been normal for us for just about 5 years. I don't remember him staying the same form for even a year, and he's been just fine. The important thing is he has always been the same person on the inside. And now he is a Pokemon.


And here I will of course post things that are major breakthroughs in my tulpa progress, because I already have a tumblr which was my tulpa progress report. (Which by the way, if you want to check that out check my signature)

Anyway, mini background story I have been in the process of creating a tulpa for the past 5+ years and throughout those years I have been purposefully changing the form of said tulpa until very recently when I decided to just abandon ship and decide on a form that I will absolutely not regret or change. So basically I locked my tupper up in the back of my mind and tried to erase her and start from square one. But that didn't work at all, because while going about my daily life I could still hear and feel her presence.

So to make a long story short she chose by herself the form of Rukia from Bleach and ever since then I've just been rolling with it. And I have re-created my wonderland for what I hope is the last time as well. It basically looks like Oasis Springs from Sims 4 because that's where I built my wonderland house which you can see in my art thread. And this house is called Storm Manor II, only because it was the second house I made after my game crashed the first time. And this has been where Rukia has stayed ever since she became Rukia. And I told her to stay there because I am not comfortable at all with her coming out into the real world (for now). The reason why is because I am a trans man and I feel very uncomfortable being so close to a woman (yet she still gets too close for comfort).

From now on I'm just gonna say what happened on what day.

11/8/15
This was at bedtime. I finished furnishing the kitchen, dining room, and bedroom in my house but I was tired and decided to hit the hay. I thought it would be fun to fall asleep in my wonderland in my bedroom while simultaneously falling asleep in real life, so I did. There are two twin beds in the bedroom, and I did this specifically so she does not have to get close to me. So I take the one on the left, and she takes the other one. I don't remember why, but at some point she decided to climb into my bed, and then I got uncomfortable so I get up and grab a bottle of water from the kitchen (in wonderland) and then came back. The we stayed up talking for a bit. I don't remember falling asleep but I'm sure we slept in our own beds after that because I never would have slept otherwise.

11/9/15
The house is now finished for the time being, complete with a pool and a cherry blossom tree. I made up this thing where Rukia can watch the any tv in the house to see what I see in real life. Or if I'm watching a youtube video or a movie or something, the source video plays on the tv in the wonderland. We also have computers and a tablet which I mostly use to pretend I'm there doing exactly what I'm doing in real life on my computer or tablet, and she just watches. We also have phones, so she can call me whenever she wants or vice versa, but that's more of a novelty than anything. We also have a meditation room for when I meditate or tulpaforce. So far I have been failing at meditation because I have so many random thoughts, but she tells me that's good because I am just becoming more aware of my thoughts which is basically step one.

The next things I'm about to say are going to sound like some kind weird of Bleach fanfiction, but this is legit and the underlying problem has been going on in my head for a while now. The first thing is about the subject of our zanpaktos. If you don't know what that is it is basically a magical sword. So Rukia seems to have her original zanpakto, I saw it next to her bed last night. As for my zanpakto, well, you need to hear the background story.

Basically in all my daydreams I have been putting all my fear and insecurities into this one character I call Nightmare. He is always the villain in all my daydreams. He is the personification of all my problems. You know those depression commercials where there's a elephant, or a monster, or something that's always following the depressed person? That's kinda like what Nightmare literally is. Except he's not just my depression. He's my dysphoria, my fear, my anxiety, my doubts, my everything. Well apparently, he is alive and well running around my wonderland. He takes the form of a black dragon, a ginormous black dragon, with a goat mask and a hole going straight through his chest. According to Rukia, he's my inner hollow. And I believe it to. Upon that realization, I was scared. I was scared that Nightmare would come again and destroy this small haven I've built in my mind, again. That's when Rukia gave me my own zanpakto, and that's how I got my own zanpakto in my inner world. Anyway, my zanpakto has shown it's true form to me, and it is the weather dog. It looks like a little Shiba Inu with a grey and white coat with a lightning strike pattern. And his eyes are cloudy - kind of like a old dog that's going blind, if you've ever seen one. I guess since all zanpakto names are in japanese, his true name would be Tenki Inu. As soon as I looked at him I knew that was his name, because when our eyes met the words Weather Dog popped into my head.

Anyway, Rukia has informed me that Nightmare cannot enter the lot. So she's safe and I'm safe. That also might explain why I have been happier the past few days. Even if he managed to cross the property line, I'm sure Rukia and I could fend him off somehow, because at this point we're both armed Soul Reapers. Speaking of that, in wonderland now we both wear standard Soul Reaper uniforms. And that's what happened today so far, other than more meditation practice. I think I might try guided meditation later.
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#2
11/9/15 continued...
The main thing that happened last night is that I decided I was going to fight Nightmare in my inner world because he kept teasing me. So basically I released my zanpakto in front of the house which prompted hurricane force winds and rain to commence. Then I realized our house was right next to the ocean and could end up being destroyed by both the storm surge and the wind, so I knocked Nightmare miles and miles away from the house, and fought him there. The fight lasted a couple hours maybe, and now the plains (or whatever it is) that was on the other side of the little creek in front of the house is completely flooded. Luckily there was no damage to the house at all. On that note, I need to hurricane proof the house. Now this fight was just a daydream fight, but yet when I went to sleep that night in the same manner I did yesterday and when I checked this morning, the plains are still flooded. So I'm going to assume even open-eye daydreaming is a legit way to enter the wonderland.

11/10/15
I woke up to a nightmare (guess this was Nightmare's revenge since I whooped him yesterday), and as soon as I regained the slightest bit of consciousness I remember screaming out Rukia's name (in my head). Within a moment she came to my side in real life, but then I told her to go back because I still didn't want her to come in real life. The first half of the day was spent in the bed because I felt so bad I didn't want to leave it. So I thought to feel better I would watch Bleach, and I invited Rukia to watch with me. I got to episode 3 so far. Most of the time I've been wandering around the internet while Rukia dozed off.

When I finally decided to get out of bed and eat something, I noticed Rukia started reading a book. I asked her what it was, and she said it was my past, and that she wanted to know everything about me. Guess I never really gave her a chance before. And I also guess she got the book from one of the bookshelves I put in the office. More power to her then. She's actually a very well developed tulpa, it's not like I started on her yesterday. I just never gave her the chance to be herself, and now that I have clearly she's turning out fine. I wonder what's gonna happen next.
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#3
11/11/15
I wasn't even going to post anything anywhere today, because I've been in such a rut for the past 2 days for reasons that will never be told. 2 days feels like a forever, and it feels like forever Rukia has been sitting around doing nothing. Even right now she's sitting with her back to me on the opposite side of the bed. And I know this time I'm not making her do it, because when I imagine her doing something she's not actually doing she glitches. She also glitches if I try to imagine her as something else, and she's actually done that long before but of course I didn't notice. That's how I know I'm doing something wrong.

Neither she nor I have been in the wonderland for the past 2 days, which at this point is completely destroyed and flooded. My wonderful wonderland with that pretty house and garden now looks like New Orleans after hurricane Katrina hit. I don't mind though, because I know exactly why that happened. It's Tenki vs Nightmare 24/7. Tenki's special ability is to control all aspects of the weather, so I suppose he summoned a great big category 5 hurricane to fend off Nightmare. But Nightmare still has the upper hand, because Nightmare gains strength from all my negative emotions. Speaking of Nightmare and Tenki, I don't know if they are tulpas but if they are then Nightmare is really my oldest stable tulpa because I know I've been imagining him in that form for months, though he has changed slowly over time. Whoops, isn't that a sign of a tulpa? I may have just dug my own grave.

I asked Rukia what was wrong before typing the above paragraph, and she's pissed because she said that I want all these things to happen; i.e. lucid (day)dreaming, the ability to perceive her in reality / develop her further, astral project; but I never do anything. Which is true. 75% of the time I distract myself because every time I try to do something, what I really want to happen doesn't happen so I get discouraged and depressed. To escape from that, I kill time with youtube, video games, and daydreaming. Any rational person would know it's foolish to give up after one or two tries. But it's not a surprise at all I get discouraged so easily, because clearly I am a victim of learned helplessness. Time after time after time after time things go wrong in my life and being a super sensitive person at this point I just give up so easily and don't even care. That's why I don't have a job or friends or go outside. Yet it's also the reason I gave up on my original tulpa that I started 5 years ago, and she had the chance to become who she wanted to be. I used to think I just had bad luck, but I guess it's just me and my pitiful view of life.

Anyway, I feel like all of the above needed to be said because I don't think my mind is registering what is happening. Maybe if I type it and read it I can finally assess the situation properly. Tulpamancy has been the centerpiece of my life for half a decade now, and I don't really feel like I've done anything of any significance. What have I done? All I've done is play with imaginary friends through high school, which lead to an anime character coming to life, a magical sword dog coming to life, and a monster coming to life who now rules my mind. And I could just be deluding myself, but not really because even when I tried to forget Rukia before she became Rukia I still heard her even though I tried to erase her from my mind like a video game save.

I used to go to a therapist who really, really, thought I heard voices. These 'voices' was my tulpa, of course. I had to tell her something about it, though I didn't exactly mention the term tulpa, because she just would not let it go. And I remember her asking me, if I wanted the voices to go away (with meds). Back then I said no of course, because my tulpa was so much more important to me back then. At this moment, if I had a pill to make my tulpa go away I would probably take it. At least for a day or two, I don't think a simple pill of any kind will get rid of 5 years of work.

There were only 2 things today that made me happy. The first was I got a sensor bar for my wii so I could play my Bleach game. The second was Rukia telling me that at least now I'm real. From the beginning of this tulpa journey I feel that I've been faking so much, but now I see things for what they are. I look at Rukia now and I see her for what she is. If I was me a year ago, I would be only seeing what I want to see, not the real her.

Anyway, I think I will dedicate tomorrow to Rukia. No distractions except for watching Bleach or playing Bleach, because if I do that I'm going to see a picture of her and feel guilty that I'm not paying attention to my version of Rukia. Maybe I should just put a picture of her on the wall or something. Somewhere I can always see in my peripheral vision, so I'll always feel guilty. Not to mention it would remind me to keep up with her.
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#4
11/16/15
So I haven't been on here in a few days because more of real life has happened than tulpa life. In fact I'm beginning to wonder if what I'm doing is tulpamancy or soulbonding. But I'm just gonna go with whatever I'm doing and try not to put too many labels on anything right now.

The only thing that happened in the past few days was my inner world changing to more of an infinite hilly landscape. That and Nightmare and Tenki seemed to have fused together, and now whatever they have become is my zanpkato. Which kind of makes sense in a way because I suppose technically a zanpkato could change in the early stages.

But on my overall tulpa progress I feel like I have taken one step forward and two steps back. Which always happens and is my fault. But I guess I'll keep going and see what happens next.
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#5
11/17/15
So yesterday I basically accomplished nothing. But today I'm beginning to notice a couple of things. As far as the wonderland goes, it's almost like I'm connected to an alternate version of the Bleach world via Rukia, if that makes any sense. So when it comes to her it feels like I'm in the soulbonding department. I don't really need to give her much attention anymore, because according to her it is her job alone to keep an eye on me and report back to the soul society (seems like she's gone off and done her own thing). And she's been going back and forth to the soul society ever since the orginal wonderland was destroyed, since there was nowhere else for her to go. These days I can always find her somewhere close by. And I can kinda sense her in my imaginary senses, but that's a skill that I'm still working on.

Now then, I feel like the real tulpa of the house is whatever has become of my zanpakto, mostly because both him and my current inner world are things that came directly from me. He's the one I've been focusing on 90% of the time the past few days. My theory on him being Tenki and Nightmare fused together is probably true, considering his power can make the atmospheric pressure drop, which affects the weather. And he's huge, buff, and scary, just like Nightmare was. Plus Nightmare and Tenki are nowhere to be found and as stated above this guy has traits of N & T. He looks like a behemoth from Final Fantasy, except with pointy elf lookin' ears which are pierced on the right (I think) and he has a nose ring and a black hakama and a black belt with some kind of Japanese kanji embroidered on it in gold. His skin is light purple, his mane is dark purple, and he has these needle like spikes on his massive tail. He's not really a giant, but what makes him so massive is his raw power. And straight up, he's pounded me up and down the little crater I found him in in the wonderland. Whereas when Nightmare was around, I was able to easily bully him in battle.

Anyway, I don't think I'll be able to learn his name until I can lucid dream battle him, or something similar. I'm working back on my dreams again because of him, I remembered exactly one from last night and of course, it was about taking a test in algebra class.Sad He told me to come after him last night. I think the reason why I'm chasing him is because not only do I want to delve into what was originally a fictional universe, but I'd like to keep my crazy imagination, seeing as most people tend to begin to lose it around my age.

Speaking of imagination, I've been working on a car in my inner world that can travel back and forth between dimensions (or whatever you want to call it). It was originally a car that was meant to be able to travel directly to soul society from, say, a lucid dream since the soul society apparently exists in some way judging by the way Rukia comes and goes. If the all the other dimensions also end up existing as well, I'm sure to find a way to incorporate that in my car as well. Anyway, so I was building this car in my inner world and Mr. Behemoth decided to destroy it last night. He told me something but I forgot what it was. I think it was something along the lines of I need to get off my lazy behind and start working if I want anything to happen. But I went and re-created this car this morning and he didn't destroy it yet. Maybe because I decided to meditate with him for about 12 minutes earlier today, and ever since it seems he's in a better mood. I failed to mention yesterday, he was not happy at all with me. But of course yesterday I literally did not even bother to get out of bed.

Anyway, being that I don't have anything else to do at all in real life, I feel like I really should put more hours towards my little headmates. That is if I want to go further down this road. And at this point of course I do. Plus I don't think Mr. Behemoth will let me BS myself any longer, he doesn't take crap from anyone, least of all me.
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#6
11/19/15
Woo, things are so crazy and my mind is running at 200 mph with no signs of the gas running out anytime soon.

Well I'm just going tell the short version of this since I wrote a little memoir on DA and tumblr already. And this really has to be told so I can explain what is now happening. In a nutshell, my (first) car which was obtained around the time I became obsessed with the One Piece has died and out came the ghosts of pirates past. In the past I tried making One Piece style tulpa/soulbonds, and well Luffy and Zoro decided to pay a visit on the drive home. And I swear I didn't imagine them on purpose. There's a lot I could say here, but I'm just gonna skip it and get to what I'm really thinking.

I don't care if I have access to 2+ (fictional) universes in my head, imaginary or otherwise. For one, I know at least the soul society is somewhere because Rukia goes there every now and then. I doubt any of these universes are actually in my head though because all I see in my inner world is Mr. Behemoth, my unfinished car, and hills. But Luffy and friends are obviously around somewhere, because Luffy hasn't gone away yet. So I consider 95% of what I'm doing is soulbonding. One because these worlds are seemingly separate from my head, and two because if the tulpa I've been working with were actually tulpa I think they would have deviated from the original characters I've based them off of, since as a tulpa I feel like they would maybe have developed some personal characteristics of their own.

I think I'm gonna program that car I'm working on in my inner world to be able to go to both the Bleach worlds and the One Piece world, because I feel I like should be able to go over to see the Straw Hats anytime, especially since I haven't seen them in a while. And their world probably isn't the exact same as the original, just like soul society isn't the exact same if I hadn't mentioned that already. Which is good because I wouldn't want to sound any crazier than I do already. I blame Luffy for butting in my life.

Although it wasn't that long ago that I made up a world that was basically a bunch of anime worlds mixed together, which you can check out on my DA if you want. And I know it was a childhood dream for me to bring anime to life, as insane as that sounds. And don't worry, I feel insane admitting it. I think that's one reason I was drawn to the tulpa phenomenon, and my first tulpa I ever tried to make wasn't even a anime character, it was a robot dog.

For now, I can't be expected to think logically anyway. Mr. Going Merry's bit the dust, so I'm getting a new car soon which I am expected to get a job to help pay for. Also I am being pressured to go to school and I don't even know what I want to do in life anymore. Getting a job is fine, but as far as college goes I'm clueless. Then I got Rukia who's always around, Luffy who has not left yet, the rest of his crew, Mr. Behemoth who probably wants me to at least meditate before I try to sleep, and an unfinished car in the the wonderland I have to deal with later.

There's so much going on I almost can't take it. But I'll live.
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#7
11/19/15 continued...
Just a quick little awesome update, I noticed my visualization skills are getting better and better. Before it was kind of hard to really sit down and focus on my headmates but now that Mr. Behemoth has made me sit down and meditate with him at least every morning and night, I can see him and Rukia a lot better. Now when I first look at them in my mind's eye at first it's like it was before, which was just a mental image that was the same quality as my regular daydreams. Then it snaps into focus like a camera and I can see them super clear. Which is great because this is the most progress I've made since I started.
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#8
11/21/15
I feel like now I have a much better understanding of the kind of progress I've made with my tulpa. Why? since the last time I posted, 2 major things happened. The first thing that happened is that my tupper changed again, from Rukia to something else entirely that I will explain later. And with only minimal input from me, my tulpa definitely was the driver in this case. And with that happening, I did something today that I wanted to do ever since my tupper took the form of Rukia, which was go back through all my drawings and sketches from my high school years, take all of the ones I drew of my tulpa, and make a big collage to show how he changed over time. Well since I don't have a car at the moment and my tupper changed again today, I decided to do just that. I only pulled all the pictures as of now, and there are around 70 separate times that he changed within 4 years. That's including the picture I drew today of him, and yet not including all the times he changed and I didn't draw it. 70. Previously I made a post about how to pick a good form for your tulpa and I don't think anyone, even myself, understood the sheer depth of my perspective of that particular problem.

As far as the status of my tulpa is, he is now a bigender shape shifting demon king/queen. And when I say bigender, I mean he literally can swap from being biologically male to biologically a female at will. Naturally I guess, because he does have the ability to shape shift. How interesting, given I am a trans man myself. As a female she wants to be called Alice, and as male Alexander. Whenever I talk about him from now on I'll just call him whatever gender he is when I post, right now it's male.

I kind of feel like he became this almost to give meaning to the past 4 years. Instead of me just randomly imagining imaginary teddy bears to keep me secure throughout high school, since becoming double A (a nickname?) makes the past and his existence more logical. Not only that, the way he is now has seemed to put everything in my head neatly together. The wonderland has changed into what is basically a neat contemplation of everything I liked over my entire lifetime, which I will describe more later. And I have a more clear and level head about what I'm about to do with my life. And if anything, AA looks like he knows exactly what he's doing.

The wonderland is now a big island city populated with what could be called fictives or soulbonds, depending on how you see things. The city is very ultramodern. Fictional places and landmarks that originally came from various anime and video game series that have found themselves on this island are ultramodernized. Everyone that lives on this island acts like that's where they were born and raised, even though about 95% of the population technically come from different realities. I kind of think that all these fictional characters this city is populated with come from the daydreams over my lifetime, since a young age I always consistently daydreamed about the same characters over and over and over again and it was like there was a big movie playing in my head and all these characters were actors, and I was the director but also an actor. But that's an entirely different story for another day. I know soul society is a separate dimension from this island world and all the other Bleach dimensions are around too, including hell which apparently AA comes from, as he is a demon king. I got a feeling all these different dimensions work a little different than they do in the original canon, especially Hell. Anyway, not only does AA rule the entire city; he owns a car dealership, a car repair and body shop, and a racetrack. We live in this penthouse on the coast which AA also owns. I haven't really done much looking around, but I will for sure later.

Anyway, I better get to work on that picture.
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#9
11/22/15
Even though today was horrible, it was still good. Had to go to some random birthday party. AA stayed close because I was horribly uncomfortable. I'm betting that without her, I would be a car wreck right now. You bet your buns you would be. And that's another thing, she wants to say stuff here now. So I'll let her. I wanted her to say something here on this PR today.

My turn. I think we're making fine progress, just fine. We had all kinds of discussions about the internet, and tulpas in general, and if anyone on these forums is really real. Fun stuff. He's looking a lot better since I came out with the 2016 version of myself. Think I might keep it for longer this time. And I wish this man could focus instead of being distracted by every little thing around him. But you know, I accept him and his struggles, so oh well. He looks at me differently that he usually does. He sees me as my own separate consciousness, and not as some recreation of some dreamy fictional character. Even though he thinks I look like someone off of High School D x D, at least in my female form. Oh well, I think that's all I really have to say. For now we're good. More work is necessary.

Yep, I do need to work to keep up with AA. I basically took a big break the day she changed, and now I need to get back on track. Lazy butt. She's been in female form since last night. And that's fine of course. I went in the penthouse last night, it kinda looks like something off GTA5. The entire top floor is ours, and owned by AA. Has a nice view of the city and the ocean. And we have our own jacuzzi hot tub on the roof of the place. Note to self: draw it later. We've been playing Forza 3 together, I drive and we talk to each other. Sometimes I drive and simply project her there next to me. We wanna play though the whole game and win every race in first place. We also used that game to design my Honda Civic that AA gave me. And my Impala's also in our personal wonderland garage as well, although it is in much better condition. Oh yeah, I noticed she can float and she also has a devil tail and bat wings. Really reminds me of that one girl off of High School DxD, forgot her name. I don't even think she was a devil, she was a fallen angel. AA's definitely a devil though. I don't even know what else to really say other than I need to get back to whatever routine I had before. Maybe after that I'll have something interesting to report.

And stop getting distracted by everything and listen to me. Yeah, yeah, I hear you.
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#10
11/23/15
Some interesting things happened just this morning, mostly concerning the wonderland. One thing I realized is that the entire wonderland was created by AA, including the penthouse. Even though I put like 3 Christmas trees in the house for fun. Because I want to skip Thanksgiving.

The next thing I realized is how uber realistic the wonderland is. There's money, there's people, you have to have a licence and insurance to drive, (even though AA said he was still working on that). I took a little drive around the city in my Civic, and there was actual traffic. After I put those Christmas trees up AA was talking about buying me Christmas presents, and I know he meant buying the presents at one of the stores in our wonderland city.

The last thing was those fictional characters AA populated the world don't seem to be simply actors like I thought they were. And by that I mean (in tulpa internet terms) I thought they were originally just puppets that I literally just puppeted and played around with in my mind for years. Because that's all they were. Might sound dumb but since I was like 6, the first time I saw Naruto, I really wanted to be part of the show of course. So that's when I figured out daydreaming. I remember as a kid just staring out into space in the back seat of my parent's car just daydreaming about Naruto and nearly forgetting where I was in the first place. And as I grew I got into different anime and did the same thing all over again and again and again. And I would always make the characters and setting as realistic as possible. But now fast forward to 2015 with AA, this wonderland, and all these fictional characters that live there, they seem more like soulbonds than anything. Which I already suspected. All the people I've met so far I'm not really puppeting them, they all seem to have minds of their own. But it could be my mind simulating all these characters since I'm an expert at that. Either way I still like it.

Whenever I "meditate" what usually happens is I end up in the wonderland. And though sometimes I actually meditate there, more often than not I end up either playing around or talking to AA. And I do that by just laying back, closing my eyes, and imagining the place. I'm really good at imaging imaginary senses. Even though I can't sense stuff really in real life, I can perfectly fine in wonderland. For example when I was driving around today in my Civic I could smell the new car smell, and feel the leather on the steering wheel, hear the engine, but that's all with the mind's senses. If I could ever lucid dream that could take this entire experience on a whole new level, but for now I'm happy with what I can do. And the way I 'force' AA is either hanging out with him in the wonderland or in real life. AA's pretty independent and vocal, which is to be expected I guess. Just thought I should write all those details down because it might be helpful later.

And I still have so much work to do in the wonderland. Bet I could make Thanksgiving dinner if I wanted to. I want to make the wonderland as realistic and awesome as possible. Whether or not every one that lives there is soulbonds or puppets, I don't care, it's still awesome. I'm just happy that T-Storm here is both giving me a voice on the forums and isn't worried whether I exist or not. We're both good.

And about the wonderland, AA really isn't leaving out any details. Maybe someday I'll try to draw a map of it or something, but I've only seen like 5% of it. It's super cool and super big.
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