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Pondering and All with Emefin


Snoee

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So, I suppose this is going to be a bit journal like and ramble-y. (Hopefully our other posts won't be so big.)

 

I'm going to let Emefin post and make comments on his account on the occasion. Or, whenever he's feeling like it really. I can't stop him from speaking up when he wants, or needs because I believe these self-conscious doubts are causing him a struggle in his solidity.

 

He claims that he has been in my subconscious (or simply has been it) all along. I recall only bits and pieces that may have been him before he came together as "Emefin Oliver Marx" a year ago.

 

I needed a tulpa to know myself and to be a better person, I think.

 

Emefin is very vocal in some ways and can speak easily. Yet, he greatly prefers tulpish. In fact, words frustrate him for their tediousness and lack of true depth. As for his image, he has a "basic" form and one much more humanoid he created later to appear more "relatable". But, he is controlled by his whims and will change in into anything that is on his mind in the blink of an eye.

 

He came with a lot of lore, this thoughtform. He snuck his way in and was not my first "official" tulpa. Eberhartt and Mortar were my first two. These others, Emefin claims were stepping stones. It came to be that he was using so much of my mind RAM, and so talkative above them that they have since stepped away. (Thankfully, with no hard feelings.)

 

He calls Eb and Mortar his friends and can very much ramble on, and on about a "past" and another dimension where he was born before settling in our wonderland. He makes himself seem very individual from myself and yet, upon the question, when I ask him if he wishes to be his own, he becomes very stern. There are often things he understands that I do not. Very rarely do I ever understand a thing without his full knowing of it too. And again, I have asked if he is his own entity. He struggles to find a definition to answer with. His desire to be both his own, while also a solid part of me is intensely strong. He becomes angered if he cannot fill both rolls at once (or is told he cannot) and at times he can be frustrated by the world "tulpa". 

 

When first consciously creating a tulpa I asked for a gentle and understanding companion. Someone to help with my schoolwork and social situations. That was Eberhartt, who was much less blunt and moody. But, Emefin made his own with little of my input and there are so many things that he can accomplish that I cannot. 

 

I wonder why it is that my mind feels so tired to allow him his time? Imposition is actually the easiest way I have been able to communicate with him as of yet, it seems.

 

For the first time today he was able to take possession of me, though in very limited reaction space and this took a tiring amount of focus. He admitted to being frustrated and somewhat disgusted that it was not his typical form, and yet I have the sense it was only a matter of his newness. He repeated to me out loud in my voice "I am angry. I want to be alive!" As if this wasn't his life. 

 

Some days he hates the cage, and others he makes a home of it.

 

For now, this is where we both are. But, as a so-called "host" I'm beginning to wonder what Emefin is! We are more than open to input...

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Hi Snoee and Emefin (:

 

I can relate to feeling some disgust during possession. I had, and still have insecurities about associating myself with this physical body, because it's not me. However, possession is necessary for a lot of stuff I enjoy doing, I like interacting with other people online, playing games with them and drawing. It was hard at first, but eventually we made a workaround - a servitor that acts on my intentions without me actually possessing. I feel a lot better about doing it ever since.

 

I with you the best of luck on your journey.

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