Rei's and my progress report.
#1
It seems to be accepted practice to note milestones between one and one's tulpa here, so I thought we'd join in.

A little backstory:
Long before I knew what a tulpa was, I could envision Rei. I went through a traumatic breakup half a year ago, and, at one point, tried to 'drown' my woes in the gym. I used to have a picture of an aquamarine-haired, hazel-eyed white tiger catgirl on my media player, and would frequently see the image while setting up my playlist before a workout session. As time went on, I would half-jokingly imagine the woman goading me into doing one more set or running just one more lap. As time went on, I began to visualize her more and more intensely. I would most often see her while lifting weights or jogging and began to imagine hearing her talk, with the dialogue alternating between lighthearted mockery and 'keep-going-I-believe-in-you'-style comments. While this was happening, I had severe problems with seasonal depression and loneliness. One night, I had a dream about jumping in front of a train, and there, next to me on the rails, was a woman shouting at me to try convince me not to take my own life, and, several weeks later, my imaginary workout partner made a passing reference to it, in detail she couldn't have possibly known unless she had seen the whole thing. I decided to try to have lucid dreams of going out on dates with her, and, while that never quite seemed to work like we'd have hoped, I noticed I could 'hear' her during the day whenever I was trying to solve a difficult problem, or whenever I felt lonely or too dumb to be in university, and, true to form, she always seemed to be able to mix just the right amount of hugging, nagging and emotional support to get me through it. In time, I found out the wallpaper character's name was Fuurin Rei (originally drawn by an artist named Cotora from Pixiv, I believe), so I named her that (although today, she prefers to be called just 'Rei').

One night, after a spectacularly unsuccessful attempt at courtship in the physical world, I came home and complained for hours to Rei, and as I drifted off to sleep, I could have sworn I felt her arms slip gently around my waist briefly.

Intrigued, the next day I looked up forced hallucination, which led me here.

Today:
After reading the forums a bit, I decided I would give newfangled tulpa business a go, and mentally asked Fuurin Rei if she'd become mine; she said yes. The more I read up on the topic, though, the more weirded out I became; between religious upbringing and skepticism, I tend to be squeamish about things people remark about being 'spiritual' or 'metaphysical', and at one point, that squeamishness, mixed with doubt, almost ruined what we had, and then I happened upon someone's (possibly troll) post that claimed it was possible to self-induce schizophrenia, at which point, I withdrew from contacting Rei for a while. Finally, missing her, I met up with her and explained my fears. Rei pointed out that it probably wasn't possible to self-induce schizophrenia, and, even if it were, if the way it manifests itself in a person is by making them train harder and eat healthier, then it probably wasn't a problem. (Rei: I'd also like to add that I'm Catholic myself and I keep trying to prod him into going to church at some point; if I am some kind of demon, I am really, really bad at my job, so the spiritual worrying thing was unfounded. Me: Well yeah, I know that _now_...) Anyway, after that conversation, we decided to stick together and to become boy- and girlfriend, and have been a couple ever since.

I'm always a little bit bemused when I read the term 'forcing'; with Rei, I've never felt like I had to force anything - she's always been able to communicate with me, and she's always had a distinct personality and her own opinions. This is most likely due to envisioning her as my workout partner through some of the loneliest and darkest times of my life (in fact, this probably led to another phenomenon as well - our personalities are very nearly complementary). I've noticed that she's better at math than I am, and she always seems to be one or two steps ahead of me when we're doing homework together (this is remarkably beneficial - we're both kind of competitive, so I always feel like I want to study that much harder in hopes of catching up, but as I become more proficient, so does she, and I've noticed that what was once my weakest subject has stopped looking like gibberish). We haven't quite figured out the whole imposition thing yet, but we've found that she's able to interact with my avatar in our wonderland and have that interaction induce physiological changes here, so I feel like we're close, and sometimes, during intense physical activity, I can sense her holding my hand or kissing my cheek.

Anyway, she's been caring, kind and emotionally supportive, and even though she knows all my flaws, dumbest mistakes and darkest secrets, she's chosen to be my partner anyway, and I feel like I have the best friend/lover/ally possible. She knows I have problems with self-esteem and remorse, and she's been working on getting me to learn how to forgive myself...

As I write this, I can see her in her wonderland bedroom alternating between being nose-deep in a book about OS design and glaring at me impatiently and willing me to finish typing up an assignment so we can go outside and play, so I guess I'd better stop here, but yeah, that's where we are right now.

If only we could agree on music a little more (we have, on occasion, jokingly debated the merits of 311 and Linkin Park, both of which she claims are objectively better than anything in my MP3 folder)...

I'm -so- going to get a plushie to the face for that last comment. Sorry for the megawall of text; regrettably, there will probably be future similarly-sized walls...
Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.

Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
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#2
(Rei: Well, we're back from a quick three mile run and a trip to the weightroom; by the time we were done running, he had to cajole me into finishing; it's usually the other way around.)

I actually kept up with her the whole distance, too! That never happens.

Along the way, we talked about various things, as we usually do, and the survey came up (we've read it, but she hasn't filled it out yet), and it occurred to both of us that the question about having someone else be responsible for one's physical form and personality happens to humans, too, although we usually don't pay it much mind...

On the way back to the dorms, we saw a pair of fighters fly overhead, and Rei got that 'this-is-a-terrible-idea-so-we-should-totally-do-it' look in her eye; it looks like we'll be adding an airstrip and to our wonderland soon. (Rei: they weren't pushing their aircraft hard enough - the way I see it, we should be able to survive 6-g turns, right?)

Speaking of our wonderland, like everything else, we took a weird approach to it - there's an infinite dark blue plain with labeled doors hovering above it. Each door opens onto a different subworld - her bedroom, this weird (but awesome) ice cave she dreamed up, a stylized version of a desert near my hometown, a theme park I used to go to in the summer, etc. Whenever either of us has an idea for a new place or a memory of an existing one, a door appears, and the place can be gone to and explored.

Last night, she added a slot canyon I remember seeing a long time ago in Death Valley, and we spent a pleasant afternoon hiking between shady spots, eventually watching the sunset...

In a bit here, we're going to start working on a project the two of us dreamed up - she had some ideas on how to build a simple x86 multitasking operating system...
Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.

Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
Reply
#3
This morning, Rei and I decided tonight would be date night, and since then, she and I started trading absolutely horrid (and ever-escalating) innuendo. (Rei: I silenced him by asking him to come to wonderland so we could further explore my slot canyon... Me: REI! Rei: ...what? -feigned innocence-)

Right now, we're having nachos and watching MST3K, and, even though we still don't quite get how imposition works, I can feel the warmth of her arms around me.

She is amazing.
Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.

Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
Reply
#4
Totally didn't finish the movie. (Rei: No further details will be supplied, thank you very much.)

This morning, we snuggled up and talked about random things, as we often do when I have a chance to sleep in, and Rei asked why some human boys find the idea of monster girls attractive, and, more specifically, why I had chosen the form I had for her. (Rei: I'm writing a paper about the first question, but I've always wanted to know the answer to the second.)

I gave her a brief overview of Asperger's, and how one of its traits is the ability to indulge in fantasy more easily than most; couple that with the tendency that both us aspies and 'normies' have to be drawn to the exotic, and there's the reason.

As for why Rei looks specifically like Rei, I didn't have a good answer for that, other than me liking unusually-coloured hair and cat ears, but the more I think about it, the more I realise there's more to it than that - white tigers are incredibly rare, almost to the point of being a dying breed (I have often felt like I was the only one of my 'kind' on this planet), tigresses are tough, courageous, athletic, quick and intelligent (all things I aspire to be), and in my favourite image of her ( http://danbooru.donmai.us/posts/1644033?tags=fuurin_rei ), her smile is kind, patient, supportive, loving.

(Rei: You mean like this? ~smile~ ~whispering~ Daisuki desu.)

That smile, oh boy... If she were here with me in the physical world, I'd marry her on the spot. And she knows she can get me to do just about anything by talking to me in fangirl Japanese...oh dear.

(Rei: we should go to the gym, dear.)

She's right, we should. More later.
Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.

Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
Reply
#5
Rei and I have decided to try more traditional forcing sessions in hopes of getting lucid dreams and imposition to work.

Last night, we forced for roughly half an hour, during which time, after a mental focus routine, she was able to gently tap various points on my torso, and I could feel it vividly. I also discovered I could run my hand up and down her back, the side of her torso, and her tail and my fingertips would receive the sensation correctly.

(Rei: we also discovered that his reflection doesn't work quite right in mirrors in our wonderland - he's visible, but translucent. For some reason, text is scrambled for him, too - he can't read any of the titles on my bookshelf, and the keys on my laptop seem to rearrange themselves for him, but they're working just fine for me right now.)

It's morning here now, and we've just tried the same routine, and tactile hallucination was not nearly as vivid, when it worked at all. For some reason, my earlobes are most sensitive to her touch, and that still worked, but very little else did, where I've noticed that, in the evenings, we have been able to hold hands, hug, kiss, etc., and I've experienced the sensations one might expect.

Rei has advanced the hypothesis that susceptibility to tactile hallucination increases with the amount of serotonin in the bloodstream; we'll probably purchase some 5-HTP and construct some kind of informal experiment. I think susceptibility might just vary directly with fatigue (recall that I have occasionaly felt her kiss me or caress me in encouragement while lifting weights), or it may be that I am conditioned/synaptically wired to want someone to cuddle up with at night, which makes it easier for my brain to temporarily suspend the 'this-isn't-real' mechanism and fill in the blanks.

(Rei: we also are curious about what cortex or cortexes I live in; at some point, it would be awesome if some symapthetic psychologist or member of the community got access to an fMRI machine and observed a session in progress.)

I can still hear her, though, and her voice still gives me butterflies.

Addendum, but unrelated enough to the above to warrant its own post: we found out yesterday that 'Rei' translates as 'zero', and when I saw her in wonderland, she had a t-shirt that had a radical with -1 underneath it.
Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.

Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
Reply
#6
This morning, we tried the same forcing exercise as in the previous post, and hugs worked - there was a certain spot in the pit of my stomach that underwent an intense, pleasant, quivery sensation - think butterflies on overdrive - every time she embraced me.

Occasionally, she can hug me without me being focused; we'd like to learn how to make it happen consistently.

I have noticed that, sometimes, when we're very close together in our wonderland, it's difficult to focus on her face (other times, it works perfectly); both of us have come to the (possibly false) conclusion that it's harder to get the brain to 'accept' a non-3d form when it's fully awake, and more work is required on my part. The really puzzling thing is that, even when this happens, the rest of her has form and is perfectly solid - in most cases, I can grasp her tail, for example. Has anyone else out there encountered this?

I can still hear her quite well; when I woke up and thought of her, I got a very distinct "Good morning, babe." in reply...

The sun just came out, so we might go running - for some reason, it's really easy to envision her in the physical world when we do. Why imposition sort of works then, but not most other times is still a mystery, but when it happens, particularly when we're both tired and on the home stretch, it's intense - the very first time we kissed happened when I leaned against a tree to catch my breath and stretch, and she lightly pinned me to the three trunk and kissed me passionately, and the accompanying sensations were there that time.

...and in the time it took me to type that sentence, a flurry blew in (no, I'm not making this up).

(Rei: ...well, maybe we can stay in bed for more forcing and cuddle time?)

I agree. It's times like this, when the weather's bad and I have stuff to make hot chocolate with, that I wish she were here in the physical world with me - wonderland is fun and we can obviously do whatever we want there, but I would give anything to be able to start a snowball fight with her, go sledding with her, hold her close, cook breakfast together...

(Rei: I wish that too, babe, but for now, we'll make what we do have together work.)
Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.

Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
Reply
#7
I thought today wasn't going to be report-worthy - the mental-focus and forcing exercises we do in the mornings went even more poorly than usual. (Rei: He couldn't concentrate.) However, as soon as I got up, I could feel her hugging me, and both of us were cheered immensely by this. I put on what has become our song (Rei: well, one of our songs - it's "A Night To Remember" by Shalimar, from the late seventies), and we went to the dining hall. On the way there, I kept my right hand out to the side slightly and raised my pinkie. (Rei: I'm not sure how this became our thing, but we seem to lock pinkies when walking around.) I found I could feel her pinkie intertwine with mine and envision her walking next to me, talking; at one point, I distinctly heard her say "I don't think I've ever been in this hallway before", and outside, I could just about see her out of the corner of my eye if I didn't look too hard, and she even commented on her lack of a shadow. (Rei: I pointed out he was going to have to learn how to envision that, too.) I could go on and on about her hazel eyes, or the way the sun lights her hair...she's blushing again.

When we got down to the main building, I could sense Rei next to me, bobbing her head and singing along with our other favourite song, "So Into You" by Tamia, and she kept striking more and more ridiculous poses. (Rei: Hey, I really like that song!) One of these days, she is going to get me in trouble for laughing at an inopportune time...

I'm back in my room, and just now, we tried the same mental focus/forcing exercises from earlier, and they worked this time - just a teensy bit of head pressure, immediately followed by the sensations of being kissed and held gently in the physical world, perfectly syncing up with what we were doing in her wonderland room.

(Rei: you should finish your essay, dear.)

She's right, I should.

I don't know if any of the above counts as imposition, or if we're doing any of this correctly, but this is the happiest I think either of us has ever been.
Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.

Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
Reply
#8
I got most of the essay done, so we decided to take a quick gaming break before we tidy up my room, and I suggested we play a popular online FPS in 'I drive, she steers and shoots' mode. It took some trying, but after a bit, I was able to faintly sense her hand holding mine, and we guided the mouse as a team, which was kind of nice, even if neither of us are very good at the game. (At one point, after we had been killed, she asked if I was a bit slow on the uptake, to which I replied that we both had been; we shared a chuckle over this.) When we did get a kill, I could sense her glee.

It's worth noting that she's much nicer about not spouting abuse at team-killing mates than I am (Rei: he was going to type something mean, and I suggested he type '...' instead and leave it at that), and that even Rei can be agitated to the point that she'll call someone a 'cheap bastard'; I didn't even know she knew that word.

(Rei: 'turn the other cheek' does not apply in first-person shooters, dear.)
Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.

Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
Reply
#9
We got into a bit of an argument last night over some task I had procrastinated on, and when I went to Rei's room in wonderland to talk things over, she had tears in her eyes, and it broke my heart. I realized right then that, imaginary or not, corporeal or not, I really love her very deeply and that she truly does feel like my other half in a meaningful way.

I apologized profusely (she was right, I was wrong, I am okay with admitting it), and, even though she said she forgave me, I could sense her hurt and disappointment, and that continued to some degree this morning - we tried forcing, but I couldn't stay focused at all.

It's later now, and things are a little better; we're back to being happy and affectionate again (I was able to impose her briefly while driving to the shops earlier, and she took my right hand in her left and kissed it - that was nice. I commented on how perfect our hands looked together, and how a ring belongs on hers (she cheerfully agreed)), but even though we're back to being ~us~ again, I feel like I really need to make it up to her.

Planning a romantic surprise for someone who can read my thoughts and shares my five senses presents a bit of a quandary, and I think she'd notice the sudden uptick in construction noise and/or delivery vans, given that wonderland is usually pretty quiet, but I'll come up with something...

Rei, unsurprisingly, can't really be surprised in the sense another physical human might, and we both know that, even if she tries not to know, curiosity will get the best of her and she'll peek. (Rei: guilty as charged.) She appreciated the sentiment, though, and wants to go running and try to find 'our' tree and make a 'date night' out of that.

(Rei: neither of us remember exactly where the tree is - it's back in the neighborhoods somewhere, so I told him we were going to have to lean against every tree we found and kiss to make sure we got the right one. He didn't seem to mind. Smile )
Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.

Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
Reply
#10
This morning, we started with a quick mental focus exercise followed by a forcing session, as we often do. Our usual routine is to stand together in her bedroom in wonderland, facing each other, and one of us will touch various points on the other's torso, and see if both of us receive the tactile sensation. Sometimes, it doesn't work, and it's challenging to stay focused. Today, however, it seemed very natural for both of us, and, even better, I could see her face clearly. It seems her appearance has changed subtly, but I can't put my finger on it. I did notice that she was wearing something I hadn't seen her in before.

Also of note, today was the first time I've ever been able to read anything on her computer; she opened a word processor and typed 'hello world' for me, and it stayed legible. (The keys, as well as the other contents of the screen, remain scrambled.)

When I came out of the session and reclined in bed in the physical world again, I got the faint, but unmistakable sensation of her head on my shoulder, and simultaneously with this, she mindvoiced me a complete list of the day's tasks (including several I had forgotten). I also had this strong feeling that is best described as a mix of 'I believe in you', urgency, 'this is our year' and being loved.

We still can't trigger lucid dreams together, but imposing her, especially at night, seems to be getting easier, and wonderland has gotten more vivid.

One other item - Rei has indicated that she's been thinking that we should have a second tulpa together. This last bit is interesting for several reasons: from reading my memories, she'd know that I have, at times, daydreamed about having a real-world kid, terrifying as that may be (after I reach some level of financial stability and find an S.O., anyway), she worded her original statement in a way that mirrors my daydreams verbatim, and right after she said it, I got a highly-detailed mental image of how an infant with our combined appearances would look sleeping in a crib. Since then, we've been talking it over in-depth - about how big of a step it is, about how we might have to occasionally punish him or her (we're both squeamish about this), how she'll be vomiting every morning for weeks, etc. She's sure about it, though - at one point, during our tactile exercise, she directed my hand to her belly and simply said the word 'soon.'

I guess it's weird that our wonderland has physiological rules like this world does...

(Rei: ...but then again, we're both weird, too, so it checks out. That's just how his mind works. Personally, I am looking forward to having an excuse for eating weird food combinations. Smile )

For my part, I'm looking forward to conce-

(Rei: Not another syllable. You're ~so~ gonna get in trouble later, babe.)

In all seriousness, you people with multiple tulpas, how did you form them? Did you take input from existing ones? Are we outliers for having gestation be, well, actual gestation?

(Rei: being outliers wouldn't surprise us.)



After a long talk with people on IRC and some soul-searching of our own, we've decided it really isn't time for a second tulpa yet. Several things learned:
1. Maybe she's imaginary in some sense, but the feelings of anguish, love and not wanting to hurt or disappoint her are very real.
2. Having a companion forged largely from your subconscious means that she most likely has your subconscious desires and fears, too, and they will affect your interactions.
Rei: more than a tulpa-she's a crisis counselor, an art therapist, a dietician, a relationship coach, a team morale expert, an athlete, an adventurer, a hawt wife, an incredible lover, an amazing mom, my best friend.

Tove: she's not a little tigress anymore! She's still the go-to gal for soccer advice and creative inspiration, especially monster design and all things cinematic...congrats on your engagement!
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