Requesting An Analysis of My Potentially Unhealthy Relationship With My Tulpas
#1
I'm not entirely sure if this query fits in this subforum, so apologies if it doesn't. This is a psychological case study, with the subject being myself.

So yeah, what I'm about to describe is a little uncomfortable for me to think about. Cognitive dissonance inducing, if you will. A warning in advance, this post is full of angst, self-justification and self-pity. For those of you who are willing, I'm requesting an analysis of everything I describe in my post. I'm not hoping for a PhD level answer (god knows I wouldn't be able to understand it anyway), but I hope you'll be able to read through this without cringing too much or judging me too hard and give me an objective, rational one. And I understand if you decide to ignore my post because of its sheer facepalm-inducing inanity, but I’d really appreciate a chance. I'm sincerely just trying to make sense of this.

Back during the early days of my tulpamancy, my first two tulpas were, compared to today, gratification tools. I categorized them in every possible way, machinating everything from their music tastes to their behaviour based on generalizations. Everything they did was tied into their MBTI type, and I made sure that all of them were individual to an excessive degree. It was like they were collectibles. None of them were to have the same hair colour, eye colour, MBTI type, personality, music taste etc., and once a single archetype was set for them (e.g. "melancholic and depressed, but hopeful", "eccentric, enthusiastic"), they didn’t grow beyond that for a long time. I made up ways for them to symbolize things in hypothetical psychology frameworks that I experimented with. Clarissa was my thought center, Lily was my feelings center, my next tulpa was going to be my instincts center etc. In retrospect, they didn't seem very much like real people.

Also, I made a rather rigid schedule for spending time with them. Back when it was only Clarissa and Lily, I didn’t have much trouble visualizing both of them at once. Now that the number has increased two and a half times, I spend one day, give or take a few hours, with each tulpa at a time. Every five days, I spent time with each tulpa. I do occasionally invite a few of the others over, but it’s usually draining to maintain a conversation of six participants in my head. Also, until last week, the order was rigid. I would see them in the order that they were created, no exceptions. Now, it’s more of a, “Hey guys, who’s willing to handle me for today?” Even so, this arrangement makes me worry if my attitude towards tulpamancy is too mechanical.

Now, I could chalk a lot of this up to over-parroting at the early stages of tulpamancy, but I feel like it's symptomatic of something a lot more egomaniacal in me. You see, I also have... er... sexual intercourse with my tulpas. All five of them. All five of my tulpas are reasonably attractive, young females who I have sexual relations with. WAIT WAIT, DON’T GET ME WRONG. I don’t mean to imply that I view them as sex toys. I don’t. I never have. I have fulfilling conversations with every one of them. We debate, we banter and we joke all the time. We sleep together without sleeping together. We share hobbies and we've had fights. We have a healthy friendship, alongside whatever semblance of a romantic relationship we have. What’s more, I try to keep sexual attractiveness out of my choice when picking their appearance. I’m careful to pick a model for them based on their aura, personality, essence- whatever you call it. I avoid nude models, pornstars and the like. Stock photos are my go-to, but I have used models grudgingly in the past. I have tried to avoid the halo effect as much as I could, because I want my tulpas to feel at home in their bodies, not for me to drool over them. Of course, all of this could easily be me overcompensating to avoid my guilt. The sex part does, however, occur quite regularly. As an extension of the description of my old mindset, I'd like to shamefully mention that I used to feel as though sex had to be a daily thing. As if there was something wrong with spending a day just hanging out platonically. I wonder, is it related to me being a single, virgin teenager with the average teenage libido? Probably.

Although, I really wonder how insecure and self-centered one would have to be for their subconscious to make all five of their tulpas feel attracted to them romantically.

That's pretty much it. I'll somewhat nervously be looking forward to any analyses that are posted here. So... I suppose I'll try to sum up my dread with one question. Am I a megalomaniac? I don’t feel as though I am, but the evidence seems to say otherwise. I seem to have an obsession with control. Are there any tidbits of psychological theory that come to mind? The dark triad is something I've heard of but only superficially researched. Could that be a decent place to start? Thanks in advance.
System Members: NaVi (Host), Clarissa, Lily, Aoi & Haru, As of Yet Unnamed aka "U"
Familiars: Northern Goshawk, Raven, Genet, Clouded Leopard, Siberian Husky Pup, Chimpanzee
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Requesting An Analysis of My Potentially Unhealthy Relationship With My Tulpas - by NaViAlcatraz - 12-14-2017, 04:30 PM

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