Stanford Tulpa Study looking for more participants
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Poll: Should I keep trying to write the story?
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Yes. Keep working on it.
76.92%
10 76.92%
No. You suck.
23.08%
3 23.08%
Total 13 vote(s) 100%
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Research for a story
#31
>kitty toy
>cries on shoulder
>early twenties

A few things. Firstly, this is an improvement, but not by much if I'm honest. You added some adjectives and altered a few sentences- this isn't so much a redo as a redraft. The dialogue, I agree, is pretty much atrocious. I'm sorry but I read similar stuff in smut. Also I know it's awkward, but the placing of Gatto and his dialogue has to be put forward better. Is he supposed to be a mystery to the reader up until nearing the end? Because right now it's blatantly clear he's an imaginary friend.

The pacing is still off and you threw all the characters back at us at blinding speed without much description again. When I, and I think we, said to add more description and take your time with writing the events, we mean you should add better description and include less this early on. Quality over quantity.

Apart from those things, I can't really say much else. You didn't really improve on your first draft, you included another line or so for each character description and added a few more lines for Gatto.

Also as personal preference, I dislike the name Candy. Sounds like a whores name. Sorry if that's your name.
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#32
Default 
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GoDb...IjCV8/edit
Completely redid the opening.. Hope this is better..
Angry They won't let me post in the writing forum
I'll search for another one..
You don't win a war by dyeing for your country,
You make them die for theirs
So I say
Kill them all and let God sort 'em out!


Nothing is true, Everything is permitted.
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#33
Default 
(11-28-2012, 08:24 PM)ani_cat_candy Wrote: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GoDb...IjCV8/edit
Completely redid the opening.. Hope this is better..
Angry They won't let me post in the writing forum
I'll search for another one..

That's odd, the topic is unlocked. You should be able to post your google docs there, not sure why it won't let you.
"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson
Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi
My progress report
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#34
I meant a forum on another site lol
You don't win a war by dyeing for your country,
You make them die for theirs
So I say
Kill them all and let God sort 'em out!


Nothing is true, Everything is permitted.
Reply
#35
Default 
Dayum, reading this made me want to get into writing again. Cudos for making a good intro on the last GoogleDoc, I really liked it. And the old one was also pretty good on how it depicted tuppers.

I see great potential for this story as a novel, (maybe a sort of comic or something?) but getting it filmed can be a bit expensive and stuff, and we all know how hollywood has a thing for twisting stuff out of proportions. Eh, there is always hope that this might work, but for now im just going to enjoy reading and maybe chip in the thread.

I might actually steal this for my next english essay if you dont mind, I wont copy-paste, just use the plot intro as a idea for how to start. Also if it were to be filmatized I wouldnt have the balls to go see it on the big screen "alone" or with my family. ;_;
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#36
Apart from one part of the opening fight, that was much better, top stuff.

My gripe with the opening fight was that the main and her mother both instantly went for weapons as soon as the father was shot. I think this is unrealistic as there would have been at least a moment of "oh shit daddy's totally dead you guys" first, and then some scrambling around until they thought of some weapons to use. I mean if someone jumps out and shoots a gun at you, the first thing you do isn't head straight to the kitchen to grab a knife.
Also the main was looking over her dead dog before she got the knife- why not, I don't know, her dead father?
Isn't that more of a shock?
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#37
I can see where that would seem odd to most people.. I was just thinking how my mind works. Action now, analyse and grieve later.

@ intelhunter: Feel free to use whatever you want from it <3
If it were to be made into a film, I'd only let them under the condition that I get to help direct it so it doesn't get twisted too much.

Thank y'all so much for the input <3
You don't win a war by dyeing for your country,
You make them die for theirs
So I say
Kill them all and let God sort 'em out!


Nothing is true, Everything is permitted.
Reply
#38
If someone is in your house, and they've just shot your father, you don't think rationally. You would probably freeze with fear, or scream, or run away; you wouldn't attack the attacker, especially is you were a child.
If you ask me, the whole prologue is balls. You shoul probably reconsider the whole section.
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#39
Default 
(11-29-2012, 02:31 PM)Avalanche Wrote: Apart from one part of the opening fight, that was much better, top stuff.

My gripe with the opening fight was that the main and her mother both instantly went for weapons as soon as the father was shot. I think this is unrealistic as there would have been at least a moment of "oh shit daddy's totally dead you guys" first, and then some scrambling around until they thought of some weapons to use. I mean if someone jumps out and shoots a gun at you, the first thing you do isn't head straight to the kitchen to grab a knife.
Also the main was looking over her dead dog before she got the knife- why not, I don't know, her dead father?
Isn't that more of a shock?

shiiiiet nigger, some of what you are saying makes sense, but i still have to disagre. It is human instinct to act when threatened, and this is not a exception. If i was in a situation like that you could bet your ass that i would be there with a knife from the kitchen.

Ofc, it would be an idea to get a "oh shit dads totally dead yall"-moment when she is in the kitchen.

cani cat andy, if we ever get a freewrite assignemnt or a subject related to this(we dont get to choose freely ;_;) i will write about this!

(11-29-2012, 04:22 PM)waffles Wrote: If someone is in your house, and they've just shot your father, you don't think rationally. You would probably freeze with fear, or scream, or run away; you wouldn't attack the attacker, especially is you were a child.
If you ask me, the whole prologue is balls. You shoul probably reconsider the whole section.

i beg to differ, if a attacker ever entered my house i would flip my shit and kill his ass. I know this because a similar case happened to me once, except that nobody was harmed because it was a friend of mine that ""broke in"" when he forgot his jacket at my house. luckily for him i was at the shitter when he knocked(violently) at the bathroom door. I was ready to pull up my pants and kill him, and i was seriously going to do it, but then he said "woah calm down dude its me!" and i regained my controll.

I was once told by a paramedic that there are three types of shock, apathy and pretending like nothing happened, just running(and we speak running without paying any attention to the enviroment, in one direction not stopping before you are stopped with force), and agresiveness.

please dont take what i said as facts, i only heard this from sources and i have no info online to back it up because google is hard to operate and involves work.
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#40
lol yea.. I would say Momma would be more likely to freeze and just scream, then I remember the few times my brother got into fights when she was around.. No thinking. She just jumps on them like a rabid dog.

I play paintball with my brother and used to hunt with him & Daddy.. I'm used to having guns pointed at me (paintball.. I love finding a sniper position!) and hearing gunfire while having to stay calm and think clearly.. I probably do that better than anyone else in my short-tempered family.

Also, She has Gatto helping her in the story.
You don't win a war by dyeing for your country,
You make them die for theirs
So I say
Kill them all and let God sort 'em out!


Nothing is true, Everything is permitted.
Reply


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