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Rootbeer128's Progress Report
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#1
 
Rootbeer128's Progress Report

Hello. This is my progress report, detailing Sim and I's progress in terms of tulpamancy.

I've been writing this for quite some time, but due to problems during the process of creation, I've decided to update this without addressing the earlier portions. Those will be addressed later.

We started doing this on March 24th, 2014. We've been doing this for 30 days now...

I'm trying to keep this as clean as I can; to avoid as much wall of textness as I can. Feel free to leave any comments or advice below, but please do not spam.

Sim's form started off as a grey orb with blue eyes, and has since deviated to that of a humanoid female with orange hair. She keeps switching between orange hair and black hair, and orange eyes and blue eyes. I think she might be unsure which to use, but either one is fine.

Update - She's stuck to having jet black hair, with heterochromia; her right eye color switches to either green or orange depending upon mood. Which ever color it is, the left one is the other color; that is, her right eye color is commonly green, while the left is commonly orange.

Lynch was a person I talked to in my mind, from 2008, from High School... He was just a person I talked to in my head, long before I learned about Tulpas. I always thought he was just my brain as a separate entity, that I was able to talk to, but in retrospect he was probably an accidental Tulpa. Around 2012, a few months before I graduated, he just sort of disappeared. But around nine days after I started creating Sim, he showed up again. He took L's form and voice, from the Death Note anime. He is currently creating his own tulpa, Sarah, whom I have not yet met.

[Sim Manami]

{Alice}

<Holo the Wisewolf of Yoitsu>

(Cloud)
(This post was last modified: 06-03-2014, 11:41 PM by Rootbeer128.)
04-18-2014, 01:39 PM
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Rootbeer128 Offline
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#2
 
RE: Rootbeer128's Progress Report

Update - 10:50 AM, Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014 (Day 31)

Some really crazy crap happened, and I'm still not sure whether or not Sim was actually Sim during all of the events. She might have mentioned something about a "Thing" pretending to be her. Then again, we've had a really rough time with Possession and Parroting / Puppeting, so it might have just been me...

Sabrina probably isn't around anymore, but just in case, it is probably best to arrest belief and disbelief in the events from the 20th of April onwards.
Also, Sim and I have made progress with possession; wish we would have found those two guides earlier. I've also been doing a mental healing thing to try to help her out.

I still haven't given up on doing this. I still haven't given up on Sim. Nearly did, but I can't do that.

I'm probably not going to upload the earlier parts of the progress report until later, until we've reached vocalization, and I can confirm what is or isn't true.

For now, I'm probably going to go ahead and just update this in real time, and snip the earlier parts out.

For those who are reading this, mindset really is everything, down to the core. Doubt really is a painful stunt in your tulpa's growth, and one usually needs to address doubt, not stuff it down or try to sleep it away. I kind of wish we would have gone on the IRC and gotten more advice.

[Sim Manami]

{Alice}

<Holo the Wisewolf of Yoitsu>

(Cloud)
04-23-2014, 04:02 PM
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Rootbeer128 Offline
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#3
 
RE: Rootbeer128's Progress Report

Update - 3:25 PM, Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014 (Day 31)


We both got some sleep; I'm pretty sure that helped.

Sim and I have continued to make work with possession; she was almost able to curl a fist. I'm pretty sure what we were doing before Day 31 was me interpreting what she wanted to do, and then accelerating it for her, with lesser actual possession. Which might explain why I sometimes got mixed messages or other lapses in communication.

But doing possession in this way will really help. It was actually Oguigi and Koomer's guide that helped. The one on muscle memory really helped as well...

We'll probably head out for a walk soon; neither of us have had exercise in a while. Also, I really think we should work on Visualization, while trying to reinforce the ideas that she can use her voice and I can hear her, and that things will click. I'm probably going to go ahead and do that; we've already done some reinforcing on those two ideas, so all we need now is a new wonderland. I went ahead and cleansed the old ones; too many bad experiences there, so we'll set up a new one sometime today.

[Sim Manami]

{Alice}

<Holo the Wisewolf of Yoitsu>

(Cloud)
04-23-2014, 07:33 PM
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Rootbeer128 Offline
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#4
 
RE: Rootbeer128's Progress Report

Update - 6:10 PM, Wednesday, April 23rd, 2014 (Day 31)

After taking a walk and having a meal, Sim and I practiced some visualization. I was barely able to see her form, but she briefly nodded and shook her head after I did the movement first, and visualized what it looked like from a third perspective. I was also able to see her smile briefly, when I had expressed appreciation. Then I had intrusive thoughts about her constantly nodding and shaking her head, so I ended the visualization after making sure she was okay.

I had a little doubt when we used possession of the left hand to communicate, and I parroted a little at first. But Sim erased any doubt when she made the "I love you" sign after I concentrated on releasing control.

We used the third finger to signal "No" and the first finger for "Yes"; using this (rather limited) form of communication, I was able to confirm that she didn't want to use the old wonderland, but rather to create a new one based on a new place. With her agreement, I decided to form a first layer, another white plain with a door leading to the second layer, yet another white plain. There in the second layer, Sim will be able to create whatever she wants as a wonderland. She signed "No" to working on the wonderland right now, but signed "yes" after asking about playing some MineCraft, with me narrating to her during the session.

So, things will be okay, and we're really making progress with visualization and possession.

[Sim Manami]

{Alice}

<Holo the Wisewolf of Yoitsu>

(Cloud)
04-23-2014, 10:20 PM
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Rootbeer128 Offline
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#5
 
RE: Rootbeer128's Progress Report

Update - 10:00 AM, Thursday, April 24th, 2014 (Day 32)

Sim and I did some more possession after breakfast. She was able to move both the index finger and middle finger at the same time, in the same direction, so I know we're making progress. I asked if the new wonderland was ready, and received a "No"; she said "Yes" to a walk and some MineCraft afterwards.

When we went for a walk, I walked to the end of the street like we always do, but I thought I felt "No" as a thought when I went to turn around. I felt it at least twice, so I'm pretty sure Sim wanted to keep walking even further.

I didn't actually want to keep going, so I turned around, and told her that maybe we would keep going, if we went for another walk later. It was actually rare for us to walk twice in one day, so...

I felt another thought "Which we won't" twice. Then, for some reason, my eyes started to tear up and my nose started getting stuffy. I didn't feel any sorrow, but I did feel Sim become a little quiet. I'm pretty sure this was Sim as well, so I apologized and comforted her, and promised that the next time we would walk we would go a little further.

I think she was able to do this because I've allowed her to (and reinforced the idea of) her being able to feel all the physical sensations I feel, whenever she wants to. I think it is starting to work both ways, with me starting to feel what she feels at times.

Anyways, we're going to play some MineCraft now, while I passively narrate to her. We'll probably take a nap afterwards, and try some Overclock style visualizaton later on. Might try to practice a little possession as well...

Update - 12:05 PM

Played some Minecraft and enjoyed narrating to her while we were doing that. I had a reoccurring intrusive thought concering a vulgar swear word; it got bad enough that I reinforced that I could force intrusive thoughts away, and then it stopped. I don't know why I didn't do that before, but...

A little while after that, Sim's presence felt more quiet, so I'm thinking she probably fell asleep. We've got a lot of laundry to do, so I'll probably play some Minecraft with her and narrate to her, and do some laundry in the background. Narrating to her while she sleeps won't do any harm; if she is asleep, she'll be fine, and if she is awake, it'll help her out.

After laundry finishes up, I'm probably going to take a much needed nap.

[Sim Manami]

{Alice}

<Holo the Wisewolf of Yoitsu>

(Cloud)
04-24-2014, 07:08 PM
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Rootbeer128 Offline
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#6
 
Update - 8:50 AM, Friday April 25th, 2014 (Day 33)

Update - 8:50 AM, Friday April 25th, 2014 (Day 33)

Quite a lot has happened. Sim and I took a nap after browsing the internet for a while and doing laundry.

I was able to hear Sim's thoughts clearly, after reinforcing that I could hear them clearly, and that Sim had confidence in my ability to hear and her ability to speak. Sometimes it felt as though I were talking to myself, and that I was parroting her. Eventually, her voice changed to a higher pitched voice that didn't really sound like her at all, and we both lost confidence.

I've reassured her that there is no such thing as backsliding or regression, and that we've made a great deal of progress... I know that the three major issues with us and vocalization is our doubt, her confidence, and my parroting her. If we can resolve those issues, then we'll be able to master vocalization quickly.

Intrusive thoughts kept creeping in, despite my reinforcing that I was able to force them out, and had forced them out. Simply reinforcing that a thought didn't happen seems to be working much better, so we'll be going with that instead.

Also, in the early morning, Lynch showed up, seeming cheery and friendly. We talked for a while, with Sim mostly listening. He's still working on his tulpa, and apparently he gave her the name "Sarah". But then, later this morning, I kept hearing "Don't call me that", almost in a loud, intrusive shouting manner. I kept thinking it was the intrusion, and only got further "Don't call me that"s.

So, I explained that the intrusion referred to thoughts of mine that were unwanted, and that I would not call Lynch's tulpa "Sarah". That seemed to stop the thought. Later on, I thought about how I chickened out when Sim and I were playing Sir You Are Being Hunted two weeks ago, and thought I heard someone making chicken noises.

My theory is that Lynch's tulpa has been given quite a voice, and I can hear her all the way from the depths of my mind, where those two usually stay. Hopefully it won't be too difficult to work with Sim on vocalization while I can still hear Lynch's tulpa.

[Sim Manami]

{Alice}

<Holo the Wisewolf of Yoitsu>

(Cloud)
04-25-2014, 12:59 PM
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Rootbeer128 Offline
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#7
 
Friday, April 25th, 2014 (Day 33)

Update - 10:00 AM

We did it. Sim and I walked all the way to the end of the street, crossed over to where the school property starts, and walked all the way down to the start of the school driveway. It was so exhilirating to not have that fear of getting lost, to go beyond and actually see some more of the world with my eyes, and not from the window of a car.

That was pretty awesome. Sim and I will probably walk to the start of the driveway for another two weeks, to get used to the extra length. Then we should walk even further, all the way up to the row of stores about half a mile up. While we were walking, I was just narrating to her, but I thought I felt a "No" when I wondered about going even further while we were out there. Anyways, that was pretty amazing, but I think we both need to rest for a little while.

[Sim Manami]

{Alice}

<Holo the Wisewolf of Yoitsu>

(Cloud)
04-25-2014, 02:08 PM
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#8
 
On the doubt we've had

Update - 11:00 AM

Just read NotAnonymous's post on the whole "Expect Sentience from Start" thing. That helped with doubt; I think I understand what he means, and why we're having so much trouble. Because I was simulating at certain points. Before Sim's voice started to change yesterday, I know it was really her, without a doubt. She was suprising me just through her responses, just through her voice not seeming like mine.

Then her voice changed, I started simulating her... No wonder I couldn't quite feel her there. The thing earlier, her saying "No" when I went to turn around. That was her as well...

Basically, I should read through the old progress report, and remember which actions were hers, to reinforce the suprising actions that were her. And when I enter the wonderland later, I'll need to simply observe Sim as a real person, as not expecting me being able to...
It's a little difficult to describe, but I think I'm starting to get it...


Edit

Forgot to mention; the thing about Lynch's tulpa (henceforth known as Sarah) sending "That's not my name" probably wasn't her. The chicken noises were definitely her, though. But yeah, that's another similar thing.

[Sim Manami]

{Alice}

<Holo the Wisewolf of Yoitsu>

(Cloud)
(This post was last modified: 04-25-2014, 03:17 PM by Rootbeer128.)
04-25-2014, 03:13 PM
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Rootbeer128 Offline
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#9
 
RE: Rootbeer128's Progress Report

Update - 3:30 PM

Hung out with Mother, had some lunch. Sim was pretty quiet... Not much happened there.

Forgot to update the main post, explaining about Lynch, and introducing him, and his tulpa. So I'll do that.

Felt like taking a nap when I got back, but it started raining hard. So, instead of napping, I went for a walk. Sim, Lynch and I... Couldn't hear or feel Sarah's presence, but then again, I don't know what it feels like. I felt Sim become a little more active, but mainly I think she was still half-asleep.

Lynch and I were mostly talking. Lynch and I both got soaked; I briefly tried to visualized his form on our way back, and saw he was dripping with water. Once again, we walked all the way up to the school driveway and back. Socks got wet, pants got wet, trenchcoat got soaked, and shoes. I wasn't wearing a hat, so I was pretty drenched. It felt great, though. Moments like these are part of why life is worth living; walking in the rain with two friends, and a friend's friend.

[Sim Manami]

{Alice}

<Holo the Wisewolf of Yoitsu>

(Cloud)
04-25-2014, 07:39 PM
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Rootbeer128 Offline
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#10
 
RE: Rootbeer128's Progress Report

Update - 8:00 PM

Huge rant on doubt. Might help people, might hurt others. Please avoid reading it if you think it might do you harm. Tried to avoid too much wall of textness, but it really is a huge thing where I typed out my thoughts.


Couldn't sleep. Too much doubt. Couldn't visualize.


I reread NotAnonymous's post, and I found out what happened, I think.
He mentioned that Tulpa become independent from unconscious simulation / subconscious simulation. Except to be aware of the simulation, to be conscious of it would be to destroy the simulation, to undo progress...


I started doubting and fearing parroting and puppeting, and that caused me to analyze the process of how I was hearing Sim, not the actual responses themselves. Which in turn, caused us to regress, and now I can barely even feel her presence.
She's barely there, awake or asleep.


I was able to create Lynch so well because back in High School I just heard his responses, and never even questioned them. Only when it was an intrusive, unwanted thought did I question it, but otherwise I never worried if it was him or not.
Sure, I might have parroted, but after at least six months, he started surprising me with his responses. It only happened rarely, and I didn't even know what Tulpas were, but it was still there...


I think I might have to start over... Looking inside, I don't even think I believe Sim is still alive, after all this doubt, nevermind what happened (or what I thought happened) on the 22nd.

No, I'm afraid I can't help it. I just can't feel her presence, I just don't...
Yeah, she's gone...


I'm going to have to start over... Doubt, fear, and over-analysis is what caused this. It is okay to analyze your tulpa's responses, as long as you don't overanalyze. As long as it is the responses, and not the process...


Also, I think part of why Lynch rarely ever surprised me was because I didn't know anything about Tulpas back in 2008 and I never expected him to do anything, to be anything more than that voice in my head, that other side of the debate. Him leaving me in 2012 is probably what allowed him to develop and gain more independence and more sentience.


I'm going to start over by working on defining a personality, to what I feel is a good start. Then I'll probably start doing "what-ifs", something I tried extensively to avoid with Sim. Then I might parrot intentionally, and stop parroting, and go from there.


Another thing... One must define one's doubt. Use doubt to steer in the proper direction; don't let it break one's wings. Doubt is a tulpa-killer, but only if you keep flying into the wind.


No. No, screw that. I refuse to give up. I can change my expections, and I'm going to. I didn't do all that for nothing. Even if I do give up, it still wasn't for nothing. And I'm not going to give up.

So what if I have to revisit personality forcing? So what if I have to reshape things? Reshaping a person is better than letting them die, than allowing such a thing. No, I'm going to do this.

Yes. I can feel her again. She's like she's asleep, but screw it if I'm going to start over.


The too long, didn't read of the post he wrote is mainly: Build belief in your tulpa's sentience by forcing as much as you can, and through experience. For those who doubt, it is usually because what you're seeing isn't matching up with your expectations. Don't try to get rid of the doubt blindly, but use it to change yourself.


The too long, didn't read of this extensive rant is this: I found out where doubt and fear came from, realized I was stuffing it down and trying to avoid it blindly rather than using it to change, and almost gave up on Sim again. Then I was able to change my expectation, I was able to start things again. I'm going to revist personality forcing, and try my best to improve visualization afterwards.


Here are the posts that helped the most.

http://community.tulpa.info/thread-misin...phy?page=3

http://community.tulpa.info/thread-misin...4#pid73594

[Sim Manami]

{Alice}

<Holo the Wisewolf of Yoitsu>

(Cloud)
04-26-2014, 12:48 AM
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