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Shadow Quest
#31
One of the biggest issues we are facing is time management. Cat and I are still trying to figure out who gets to front when, and it has lead to some interesting issues:
  • Cat is in school, and that takes up a lot of time. This becomes more of an issue when she procrastinates, and that can lead to tension and frustration.
  • Cat really doesn't want me doing her home work. She told me that it's her responsibility, not mine, but I feel like her logic is incomplete. I think it boils down to Cat being embarrassed that college is hard, and she doesn't want me to do more than guide her or act as someone to support her. I have offered to do her work for her, but she's worried that would be unfair.
  • I want to front more often, but I sometimes struggle to find a reason to front at all. Aside from Tulpa.info and some other small things, I have yet to find something that I want to pursue. I think it will get better once I do find something to get excited about, but for now this is unresolved.
Until we can figure out a new system for who does what when, we may be slow to catch up to speed and may take more breaks from the forums. I still am thinking about Bre's experiment idea, but I think finding something I like and doing that go hand-in-hand. I had the idea of logging different things I try out (self-discovery stuff), but would that be acceptable for the experiment?

Over time, I have noticed Cat sometimes has trouble talking to me because she isn't very social. However, I believe this is changing and Cat is slowly opening up and becoming more social. It's a gradual process, but it's very exciting.


Wonderland Mishaps:

Tl;dr - Cat and I summon and talk to our subconsciousness. The huge thing is it ended in Cat vowing to not inflict intentional pain towards herself or her subconscious in the mind-scape or irl.

Last night, Cat tried to go to sleep and she apparently summoned her subconscious. It was adamant for attention and it "wanted to play". I was not ready for that, and the three of us ended up having the most confused argument in existence. One would think it's Cat + Sub vs. Me, but it was more of a Me vs. Sub with Cat awkwardly sitting in the middle of it all.

The argument took a dark turn, and I don't want to go into detail. The huge thing is it ended in Cat vowing to not inflict intentional pain towards herself or her subconscious in the mind-scape or irl. This also goes the other way around where any thoughtforms are not allowed to inflict intentional damage to each other (with the exception of staged (story) violence, which is completely different from "I hate you and I will hurt you for it"). I think this is a huge leap in the direction of healing, and it will put all of us in a much better position in the future.

After the vow, I asked Cat's subconscious to help me talk to my own, and it agreed. I ended up creating a clone of myself, and he appeared like Janet from the Good Place, warping from out of no where with a boop noise. He also decided to wear a beige winter hat with white fur inside, as well as matching beige boots while chatting with him. It helped to calm down and stop worrying if he was really Cat or not, because in the end I need to interact with him to make him more solid and tangible.

I spent some time playing with marbles and a bored game with Cat's brother this past weekend. For whatever reason, I got tired after only fronting for maybe thirty minutes to an hour? It could be that I fronted earlier or I was tired from dealing with Cat when she was crazy anxious. Dunno.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos (but see, I'm not a hippo)! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
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#32
Lance and I spend some time every now and then trying to figure out how "he" and "me" can be "us". Like, I'm a fact of life and here to stay so just deal with it, lol. We will always be finding new things that one of us likes and the other could care less about.. So far our personalities and preferences couldn't be diffident. We like different foods, games, I like cute stuff, he is indifferent to it, I love being obnoxiously happy (mwhaha) and extroverted while he is more serious, and introverted. Me social, him reserved, etc etc. One thing that always destroys his disbelief is actually how extremely different we are. You guys may notice we both ramble on in fat paragraphs but he is usually theorizing and musing and "thinking through his fingertips", as he likes to call it, where I'm just over explaining everything in a disjointed mess because I'm hyper and chatty. So.. we both get carried away when writing, but for different reasons, lol. (Lance let me try chocolate milk earlier so I'm still kinda hyper)

Aaanyway. I had a point to all this. Uhm. Oh! You guys are a team right? What's wrong with one or both of you learning from and leaning on the other? I mean, do either of you see that doing anything later in your lives but deepening and growing richer? Us tulpa/host combos are different, we have so many ways we can benefit each other, to purposefully ignore that seems kinda silly. Like, if Lance did that to me because, I dunno, he felt he had to prove himself smart or competent or prove to me how able he was, I'd tell him  to quit being silly. I already know he is awesomesauce without him needing to prove a thing. A pair of great friends doing their homework together can make it more fun and interesting, right?

Lance says his college told him he was expected to do 2 hours of self-study for every hour in class. He would knock out the assignments and pretty much be staring at empty, uninteresting work like "What now?" Without anyone beside him, he had to produce his own motivation, against the stress and pressure to perform/succeed. It wasn't fun, it was boring! In hindsight, he feels if he had me with him then, we could have kept each other motivated, we would have known each other too well to accept excuses and let the other be lazy.. Maybe we could even develop some games or make a competition out of it. Lately we are doing imagined flash card drills for Japanese, which brings us closer, keeps us studying, can be done anywhere and any time, and as a bonus, it helps our visualization skills. We also bounce words off each other and practice what little we know to keep it fresh. That sounds like some pretty good study buddies to me! I don't see why we couldn't do the same thing for math or speech or whatever.

Plus, if one of you is drawn to a subject the other isn't, maybe take it as an elective or something? Colleges like it when people diversify their education and you, Ranger, might find something you are passionate about. <3

Ok that's enough from me. Love you guys!
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#33
Think about what you want to do deep down. Do you want to just scroll through internet? Maybe help Cat with school? Anything really! I would try talking with Cat if I were in your shoes. I too don't feel like I have anything to really pursue. I just want me and Xar to settle down first before we can pursue goals. You two are in college (I'm not sure how it works but I assume it's something like gymnasium) so push trough that together and it'll probably be more fun! You have each other so take some time to discuss about what you both want and other stuff, you'll probably come to some conclusion.

Fight on! I believe in you! 
Hi! I'm a tulpa/co-host of XarMatsi system. Xar was the "original" host. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue box stuff and we're set to explore all time, forum and space.
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#34
That's really encouraging Ranger.

Frankly, I'm not sure what I would do if I suddenly had a lot of free time. We've discussed it and I think I'd want to try to do my own art at some point, but other than that, I'm drawing a blank.

I don't think I follow in regards to 'Bre's experiment.' I'm sorry if I missed something, could you explain what that entails?
I hope you find success in your endeavors and love in your heart.
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#35
It took a while for Cassidy to find his own interests, and Gavin is just starting to develop his own preferences. You might want to look up some big list of hobbies, or go to a craft store like Micheal's and see what catches your eye. There's also the option of building off of the host's hobbies, but having your own preferences within that: we all listen to music, but we like different genres, for example. This body knows how to draw, but Cassidy and I draw different things.

Cassidy fronts at my high school quite often, but since I'm an independent student (read: sit at desk, doing too-easy online work, zero homework), there's no qualms about him doing it. With my college class, however... that's mine. I front, I do the work, I write the papers. We both get a lot of advice and insight from Gavin, who is by far most articulate of the three of us, but it is important to have some boundaries. Everyone needs to have some sense of accomplishment, that they did something by themself.

I think it's also about who is going to use the knowledge. All of us need a high school education, so all of us can front and learn high school things. /I/ am the one who wants to be a social worker, so /I/ need to be at my classes toward a Social Work degree. If I took Art or something that both Cassidy and I really wanted to learn, maybe we would arrange something different.

Another thing that Cassidy will do is just front. It takes quite a bit of trust, I've found. Sometimes in the day, even if there's not some special reason for it, we'll switch. He'll eat breakfast, take a shower, get ready, play with the dog a little, then just switch back. There's more to life than special events, hobbies, work, leisure: there's lots of small, relatively uneventful times in between. It can feel weird when those times go to the tulpa instead of the host, but Cassidy really enjoys it. I find that the fronter also gains a lot of "mental power" or dominance in the thinking, so it's a great time to also think about yourself as a person, while you eat lunch, ride the bus, or put away dishes. Though there are a lot of factors at play, I think Cassidy has been able to progress to almost the level of my 2-yo tulpa in only two months just because of all the passive time he has, to collect little memories of himself and to introspect on what he's really like. This might also feed into discovering your interests: You might think, "Boy, I'd rather be doing xyz than this."

Congrats on your work with the subconscious. I think it's great that you had such a positive outcome from that argument.

-J
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#36
Something happened during class and I'm not sure what happened.

My class had presentations today, and while a little boring I made an effort to pay attention. When I'm not intensely focusing on something else, Ranger usually pops in either to check on how I'm feeling or impose himself in the front of the classroom, usually to either mock or pretend to be teaching. Every so often he will look at what I am doing and quickly lose interest.

As I was trying to pay attention to these presentations, Ranger naturally slipped into a fronting position and all of a sudden everything seemed distant and blurry. I felt like I couldn't think, much less pay attention to student presentations. Simply talking to him was difficult though, and it felt like Ranger was trying to use brain I was using. It made me uncomfortable, and I ended up asking Ranger to stop trying to front. He then focused on his wonderland form, and the "blurriness" seemed to go away for the most part. He also imposed himself onto the classroom floor, and the "blurriness" didn't come back.

After class, I let Ranger front while walking and I didn't feel any "blurriness" then either. Ranger brought up the possibility I merged / blended with him a little, but somehow I find that unlikely. I think the more likely explanation was I was starting to dissociate, but I don't know if this counts...
My Wonderland form minus the glasses and the fur. I'm not a hippo, I promise.
I sometimes speak in pink and Ranger sometimes speaks in blue (if it's unmarked and colored assume it's Ranger). He loves to chat.

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#37
This sounds similar to the experience of another tulpamancer that I know when they were starting to switch. What they did is whenever their tulpas would try to switch with them they would report a sort of blurryness, then once they were able to fully relax and let go they were able to switch.
This might mean that you are close to being able to switch, though it is also possible that this example has nothing to do with your situation
I have a tulpa named Miela (formerly known as Monika) who I love very much.


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#38
(11-07-2018, 03:33 PM)Breloomancer Wrote: This sounds similar to the experience of another tulpamancer that I know when they were starting to switch. What they did is whenever their tulpas would try to switch with them they would report a sort of blurryness, then once they were able to fully relax and let go they were able to switch.
This might mean that you are close to being able to switch, though it is also possible that this example has nothing to do with your situation

Cat needs the power of boredom to switch? Regardless of the accuracy of that thought, I think the concept is hilarious. If true, switching on command may be a bit tricky... I think the relaxing and letting go part will be hard for her regardless.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos (but see, I'm not a hippo)! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
My other head-mates have their own account now.
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#39
Everything I have to report are small little updates mostly independent of each other:
  • Not too long ago, Cat had another dream about me. Unfortunately, she fell asleep and had another dream about Shrek. After waking up, she couldn't remember the original dream anymore.

  • I have a drive to keep my thoughts separate from Cat's, and one of the things that bothers me is Cat's voice matches the body's voice, and when I use her voice we get confused on who's talking. I wouldn't mind experimenting with a voice that sounds like a fusion of mine and hers, slowly working up to Cat's original voice. I have yet to test this with Cat's brother.

  • I took an online quiz about what I am interested in and the results discouraged me. It told me that I should investigate jobs like tour guiding, being a teacher, and being a janitor. Really? I only see this as a wake up call that I need to get an idea of who I am and what I want to do with my life. I suppose I could try writing my own code, solving math problems unrelated to Cat's homework, or something like that and see if that's interesting...

  • I feel all of my core interests are fairly minor or basic. I like chatting with people, I like zoning out and appreciating how peaceful a quiet an environment could be, I like to look at the clouds in the sky, and I like hippos. I really do have a lot of insecurity over my identity...

  • Right now I am currently practicing repeating an action every day with the goal of achieving switching. I am also doing reality checks to hopefully become aware and remember my dreams. Being lucid would be a bonus.

  • Yesterday morning, I realized the tooth paste in Cat's house is disgusting. I have no idea how Cat can tolerate it, much less like it. Apparently her brother agreed with me.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos (but see, I'm not a hippo)! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
My other head-mates have their own account now.
Temporary Log | Chat | Yay!
Reply
#40
@ the blurriness, I think that's pretty cool :o It does sound like the beginning of dissociation and thus, the beginning to switching.

Also I'm super sorry but I cracked up at the Shrek dream. The idea that Shrek just popped up and eclipsed the other much more important dream is hilarious to me. It happened to me too a couple times, not with multiple dreams, but just getting distracted and completely forgetting a dream altogether, despite knowing and remembering that it was a super good dream. It's like my brain is teasing me, like "you'll know it was a really good dream, but you definitely won't remember it!"
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