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Silas and Madeleine's progress log


LittleStorm

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Hey all!

 

We just started out with tulpamancy, our story is a little different-ish and kinda funny. I (Madeleine) will be sure to bold questions, because y'all can expect some rambling!

 

I have this weird OCD thing, ok? I get mega obsessed with stuff. It's not a huge deal, nothing requiring medication, but it's definitely there. Some people with OCD, as a result of fixations, can have a lot of imaginary friends. this was mainly because I got obsessed with the IDEA of imaginary friends, and then obsessed with certain TV shows. I adopted several movie characters as my personal ensemble, with a couple of originals besides.

 

This is where things get foggy. This only happened around ages 8 to 11. I can't remember a whole lot of specifics. I think several of these entities had tulpa-like traits, but I also remember a lot of activities where they were distinctly servitorial. Specifically, I had a journal that all of us 'wrote in', and I remember quite clearly dictating what the main entity was going to write. However, during a lot of our adventures, I remember things through a rosy filter, as though I were really interacting. So I think they were a real cross thing.

 

About then I met my best friend of 4 years and the entities dissipated into the background. I guess I didn't need them since I wasn't lonely anymore.

 

Flash forward to now.

 

I'm 15, and I think I'm kinda one of the babies on this site...a lot of y'all seem to be older than I am X) If so, no matter. I usually am. Anyway, I'm alone again. Said best friend of 4 years has left for the army and we've grown apart. I'm fighting with another formerly close friend. My other two are far from me and I miss them dearly. Working through some depression things. Well.

 

Even after the entities dissipated, I've heard this thing. A calming thing, a running commentary in my head. A few days ago when I discovered the tulpa subreddit during a period of research (involving OCD and imaginary friends), I concluded that the voice was a servitor. I call it my Voice of Reason servitor. It calms me when I'm having panic attacks or breakdowns. It's obviously not sentient, just me puppeting to myself.

 

Enter Silas. After acknowledging the Voice of Reason servitor, I decided to bring imaginary friends back. I remembered the joy they had brought me several years ago. After all, wasn't I alone?

 

I needed to find a vessel for him. I puzzled for a bit. He was named before that, though. This is where things get a little more tangled. I think Silas has had a subtle sentience ever since I decided to have an imaginary friend again. He named himself. I do not like the name Silas, I never have, it reminds me of crusty old men, but when a friend and I attempted to rename him, the name Silas refused to leave my consciousness. So he was back there, but not communicating verbally.

 

Furthermore, his form kind of snapped into being as a hazy idea. I don't even know exactly where his body came from. I guess it's the kind of character I normally create for the stories I write, but I didn't consciously dictate it when I was dreaming him up - it was already there. I'll expound upon this in a couple minutes.

 

Anyway. I went back to reddit the next day and, being bored, reread the tulpa subreddit and realised that I had misinterpreted what tulpas are. I skimmed it - a bad habit - and decided they were just glorified imaginary friends. Oh, forum readers, how wrong I was! You tulpae are so much more than that! You tulpamancers - much more! The decision was hesitant at first. I am not a patient person. The idea of 50+ hours of concentration did not appeal to me. But what else was I gonna do?

 

The results have come...alarmingly quickly. Maybe this is because of my excessive imagination, like I said I've had imaginary friends (though not really tulpae) in the past, I spend hours daydreaming, my dreams are very vivid...I also have a strong inner voice, which I think lends to narration. This may be because for several years as a child I read books aloud to myself. When trying to concentrate on a lecture or sermon I will repeat the speaker's words in my head. In any case, Silas and I have only spent a couple hours on appearance. It's like I said, the appearance was already there, and when we started forcing it came to light. It's all very strange. Last night I was forcing and Silas's motions snapped into clarity. His gestures and expressions and appearance have been very distinct since then.

 

I'm a bit confused right now because I don't feel like we've gotten far enough with personality, however Silas seems to have sentience. Do I continue with personality forcing or just let things happen? He seems to be speaking a little, as well as making sentient choices.

 

Today Silas and I went to the grocery store and did a little forcing, I wanted a soda, so I forced several different sodas in the mindspace in front of him. Pepsi, orange soda, Dr. Pepper, and chocolate milk. I told him he didn't have to talk, since it was loud in the grocery store and the talking thing is still a little confusing right now, only point. He chose Pepsi. I am pretty sure it wasn't puppeting because I did not want Pepsi. I took away the Pepsi and asked him to make a different choice. He chose Dr. Pepper. In the wake of a sudden revelation, I bought the Pepsi. I have realised he does not like things to be too sweet. To test this theory, I recalled the memory of the sweet lemonade slushy that I had drank earlier, and got a feeling of slight distaste from him. I was very excited by all of this.

 

Later, my brother choked on his drink, and when I was concerned about him, he made some exaggerated choking noises to be funny. I smiled a little, and then suddenly got a flash of Silas laughing. Disappointingly I could not hear him, I look forward to the day when I know what his laugh sounds like!

 

Anyway, that's our story and our progress so far. I do have a couple questions at this point:

 

Should we continue forcing personality even though he already has sentience? (stated above)

 

Reassure me. Am I going too fast? Am I doing something wrong? Or do I just have a really active mind and that's why this has developed with not a lot of work?

 

Should I be practicing disassociating from my body before we're ready for possession, that way when we are ready things will go easier? Or should that step wait until Silas is fully verbal and imposable, and can actively be a part of the disassociation process?

 

Will continue to update! Thank you all sooooo much for your time, I'm so looking forward to being able to make strong bonds in this community, with tulpae and hosts alike!

 

Any other suggestions or comments would be hugely appreciated!

Signatures are fun.

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Do I continue with personality forcing or just let things happen? He seems to be speaking a little, as well as making sentient choices.

I did a lot of personality forcing with Noriko and hardly any at all with Sabari. And they both turned out fine. So really your call here.

 

 

Should we continue forcing personality even though he already has sentience?

Sentience isn't just a binary state when it comes to tulpas in my experience. Like they might start with making one or two choices on their own. Then they progress to have more consistently defined preferences. And then they start getting into drawn out arguments on why peanut butter is a far superior spread to nutella and how you are wrong in thinking otherwise.

 

This goes back into the above. Really, you don't have to worry that there's something you should or should not be doing. If your tulpa is sick of you telling them what they want, they will make it known to you.

 

 

Reassure me. Am I going too fast?

No, you aren't. Like with many things, a lot of people have newb gains starting out with tulpamancy. It's something to draw encouragement and motivation from over something to worry about.

 

 

Should I be practicing disassociating from my body before we're ready for possession, that way when we are ready things will go easier? Or should that step wait until Silas is fully verbal and imposable, and can actively be a part of the disassociation process?

I would personally recommend waiting, although others would disagree with me.

Currently share myself with four other entities.

Noriko was created on December 15, 2014.  Sabari was created by Noriko on January 22, 2015.

Anzu was reborn on May 23, 2016.  Xiri returned on June 16, 2018.  Both had been inactive since 2012.

Progress Report | Ask a Question Thread

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