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Some journalish report with me and Vinyl.
#21
3/13/2015 Early Morning Post.

Me? Being completely out of depression? Maybe not, I sense it, its just hiding in the back of my mind waiting to pounce at my weakest point of stability. I've lost a lot of friends lately, online. Since I'm a nobody in real life anyways, so the online world means double then the normal person, anywho back to Vinyl. I've been thinking, what happened if I got depressed again and forgot about her? Hmm, I've also been thinking of changing her name and form, just a thought. Since I'm on a computer rather then my cell phone its easier to type longer entries, yay. I'm not too sure, maybe I'm pushing it? I really don't know, I just want her to be happy I guess, anyways, I'm still not completely sure. I really don't know what else to type here, shes alright. Shes speaking morely by the day. When I get depressed it usually attacks whatever, and in NOV, I still pitty myself at that moment. I was questioning her as if she were real at all, and my other friend convinced me I was down the path of MPD/DID and that it wasn't real and I went with it, shortly after I felt a lot of sadness of which I thought it Vinyl because I just told myself she wasn't real and that it was all fake, and shortly realized what I did and said.

Felt really bad about that, I still hate myself at that time for that. I knew it was from Vinyl and a bit of myself in there too, I really regret it. But nevertheless that's the past and its a dark one, wait... What was I talking about? I'm rambing, sorry.

Shes doing great, but I fear a little. We're past that, yes we had "down time" since Nov and a month ago but really, that's the past...


Actual Progress Stats (Go ahead and skip my rambling xD)
-Visualization 95% - %100
-Vocalization %35 - %45
-Personality %100
-Sentience %75
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#22
03/18/2015

More narrating have been done, lots of visualization. Vocalization had increased a little bit, keeping me company with my lonely life. She's grown a lot in a sense, I sense we're gonna change her name and maybe physical form. But the name is a more of a concern, I tell her she's unique but I sense we both just don't like the Vinyl name, not the name but the idea.

Knowing there's another Vinyl tulpa out there. Sure, there's somebody out there with my name but I don't know. May just be just a casual name change, she doesn't have a last name though. Eeeh, ooh I have a question.

[b] what happens if I make another tulpa tomorrow? [\b]

Am I jumping the gun? I'm not sure, oh and I've been feeling depressed again lately, it sure is horrible but I can actually resist it a lot better then before. I dunno, I think without Vinyl I would had done more stupid harmful things to myself but I'm holding up fairly I guess. Thanks to Vinyl, but this doesn't mean she does the heavy lifting of making me feel better at certain times, she can only do so much. I'll never be disappointed at you for not meeting my expectations, I only expect you to be there. Ooh, kinda typed out my thoughts, that was what was going through my head. Anywho, she's funny and seems to be slick sometimes, like. Uuh, like a cool person. Sometimes, meaning she would say something "cool" lol xD

She says I shouldn't be so hard on myself and to chill sometimes. I'm always narrating with her, from the start of mourning and the end of days.

Gaah, what else to say from my time away... I've been grounded and my lovely tablet broke, hmm... I'm not too happy with that. Ooh, okay. I'm letting go of parroting fears but the intrusive thoughts still happen. So ya, we're working on that. Did I tell you I drew her? It turned out good, just the arms and hands were a BIT off scale. Haha anyways, I'll post tomorrow. Hopefully.

Forgot to say she likes to joke around a lot, and of course I joke around with her as well too. Lol
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#23
I advise you to stick to a single tulpa for the time being. Taking on a second tulpa when the first one is still at the beginnng of its development imposes twice as much effort on you.
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#24
03-28-2015 and a bit backwards

Hello, its been awhile but I'm ungrounded from my laptop and now can type this as long as I want and its more easier for me x3

Okay so in the last few weeks I've been doing more talking and such, but here's the thing. I've been getting really depressed lately and its been blocking out Vinyl and couldn't really "feel" her but that was because I was really depressed, as I'm now battling depression. But I got over the hard depressing lump but hey, we can get through this. As I always tell her, and she just told me the same. Also.

I keep on thinking, did I majorly mess up? Around Nov 1st I dropped the tulpa forcing and barely remembered Vinyl, but I did remember her, like as if she was in stand-by mode or just away (Knowing she wasn't happy with that, I still feel a bit sad for that) but I wonder if just restarting would be better, I don't know. I still want her as herself and we had good times. Even though shes just developing, I think active forcing will help a lot by improving her completely, instead of just talking to her and visualizing.

Anywho, shes been good I guess. It takes time and effort, eh?? ;D
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#25
Nov 2st 2015

I bet you're all expecting a huge progress report since my first post, no I'm not dead nor is anyone, we're all fine.
I've had many breakdowns throughout the year and depression has taken the best of me but now it's been more then months that I've been fine. But I want to recommend that it's not always best to force a tulpa when depressed, or heavily depressed, it takes away so much but sometimes they can be a lifesaver but they're not your therapist they're friends and family. I'm just kinda rambling but anyway's up to the update.

Since then I've been up and down with my forcing but I've been passive forcing a lot, lately. We've changed the wonderland a lot and she's changed a bit, looking more natural (MLP equestrian girls kinda look a lot thin, but now she changed a bit to look more natural to form. She does but doesn't look like Vinyl but I don't care of her form but I care about her. She has a different feel.)

We, together developed a lot but I guess I still gotta work with her voice, still much to do and still a lot to experience. I can't wait til Christmas to spend it with her. And I've pretty much had a dream, colouring/filling up a music symbol, I guess she still likes the music symbol she's represented with.

Sorry for the rambling but this is more for me and Vinyl but we want to share them together, or I believe so. ^^

I want to make some more videos about Tulpa(s), as I have made a simple video, 12 minutes and just screening Minecraft, as most of the time I do play Minecraft and just talk to her, but I spend a lot of time with her during off hours as well. It's kinda good, maybe in a year or half she can give it a try, who knows but I want to create some videos with updated information and try to explain it the best.


Any tips on making this less painful to read? XD

P.s. I'll try to update everyday now, been away for so long omg, I also wanna try drawing her again and post it here as well ^^
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#26
Wow, I guess time really does fly by huh? I've always kept this website and username in mind and thought about it in my free time but I can't access my old account anymore for some reason, I forgot a lot of information, logins and passwords from the last few years.

Update.
August 28th, 2018. 3-4 Years later, I wish I could say things went nicely and everything is as it should be but I was a teenager then and my life was more hectic and I could still remember how I felt and how happy I felt when I discovered tulpas but I wish I saved the video I uploaded as a teenager, a young one, where I spoke about tulpa forcing because I thought the whole thing wasn't as explained or "exposed" when it was but now it's clearly grown a bit more, especially with the creepypastas.

I guess my depression took a turn for the worst at the time and it turned into clinical depression, as diagnosed and given medication for it. I dropped out of high school in grade 11, unfinished. Still uncompleted but I had a lot of free time I didn't end up using and my depression took the best of me away and turned a lot of things I used to enjoy and how I was into the ground, after some years and growing up, as I'm 20 years of age now and still no education but much more happier with myself and much more stable than I was when I was younger but I still wonder about my tulpa, Vinyl. I thought of her for years and years, wondering if she's still there, wondering what she thinks and even some denial in there. I'm afraid of going back because I'm afraid she's good as gone or I'm afraid of not finishing what I started back in 2014-2015. I wish I was more responsible and not a statistic to add. I did a lot of work and self-working and its just a different story now then it was before then.

I think of making another tulpa, just to think and debate with him or if he can still sense her, I guess I'm afraid of the unknown now but its more of a part of me being uncertain and me losing a lot of my connections from before and I'm just uncertain but I'd be willing to do a lot more work now but I guess I'm still afraid of what could happen. I think of what others would think and how I really think of myself and if I could really do this and I guess if anybody's reading, I'd like your thoughts and feedback but I'm being honest here and 100%. It really does still affect me time to time and still do think back at times and just, ashamed in myself as well because I know this kinda work and bond isn't something to just decide not to do anymore, its not that I don't want to, its just I don't know if I'm capable of, hypnosis doesn't really work on me but I really did feel a bond with Vinyl back in the days and really felt like she knew and understood and had emotions, we didn't get that far into the forcing where I could hear her but I could actually feel or sense her and thoughts and back in the days, head pains or pressures I guess as it didn't really hurt but it felt intentional as I read before but now I'm just afraid if I start I won't feel that anymore or if she's really gone.

I still think deeply and heavily into it and I'm just not sure if this fits as an update as its a question and me reaching out, I guess it'll act as a beacon but for now I'll remain here and I guess I'll keep an eye out on it but I'd like to still press this isn't something you just think of for like 2 weeks and decide, I wanna make a tulpa but no, its much more deeper than that and so much more meaningful.
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#27
Found my old email, sneaky. Old times old times, maybe I should just restart? To be honest though, she's left a heavy impression/mark into me, not bad but like, she was here and she was actually real. Real I remember old memories of what she did and how she felt, not much of a speaker (unassumingly didn't get to the stage yet at the time) but she felt very real to me and I loved her to the point but remembering it all and thinking she could be gone, hurts to think of it but I want anybody who's thinking of making a tulpa, underage to really think about it and to look at this post, I wasn't ready at the time and was young and thought I knew better but I clearly didn't, I want to raise awareness and be more considerate about it but the concept of tulpa's never left my mind and I still think its very interesting and cool but I'm just here, posting if anybody's interested in answering any questions above OR leave feedback, because I'd really love and appreciate it so very much.

Thanks for reading these mouthfuls of texts, or walls of texts built up here from a long time ago.
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#28
Yeah, i loved the story.  Tragic as depression is, i can tell you have a strong mind.  Ug, sounds hortible to have lost so much due to depression.  I have to say, about when i was 20, i could have been diagnosed, but i kept focus on school, with no friends at that time in my life (at all), i figured the only thing holding me together was grades, and getting good grades in college made me feel good.  That didnt stop the depression though, its good to see it seems you're out of the worst of it.

Everyone is so different.

I have only been on this forum a week, but it is helping with my tulpae in ways i couldnt imagine before.  I say a lot of things, some misinformed, but what i say about my tulpae is as real as it gets.  They helped me with my depression definately.  Somecdays are better than others, and i am still dealing with a lot of issues irl, but I feel it fading week by week.  Cant stop new stuff from piling on, but they're there to help me.  

Making a new one, or even trying to bring back Vynal, i think those are still on the table.  From what i've read, things have changed in 3 years.  It may be easier for you now with the good guides out there.  It seems like you got pretty far along, and its not like you two split  you just had to deal with stuff.  

I wish you the best of luck with your life and education.  Im sure people here, including myself, would support you no matter what you do.  

Stick around, we'll try to make it fun.
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#29
(09-01-2018, 04:02 AM)Angry Bear Wrote: Yeah, i loved the story.  Tragic as depression is, i can tell you have a strong mind.  Ug, sounds hortible to have lost so much due to depression.  I have to say, about when i was 20, i could have been diagnosed, but i kept focus on school, with no friends at that time in my life (at all), i figured the only thing holding me together was grades, and getting good grades in college made me feel good.  That didnt stop the depression though, its good to see it seems you're out of the worst of it.

Everyone is so different.

I have only been on this forum a week, but it is helping with my tulpae in ways i couldnt imagine before.  I say a lot of things, some misinformed, but what i say about my tulpae is as real as it gets.  They helped me with my depression definately.  Somecdays are better than others, and i am still dealing with a lot of issues irl, but I feel it fading week by week.  Cant stop new stuff from piling on, but they're there to help me.  

Making a new one, or even trying to bring back Vynal, i think those are still on the table.  From what i've read, things have changed in 3 years.  It may be easier for you now with the good guides out there.  It seems like you got pretty far along, and its not like you two split  you just had to deal with stuff.  

I wish you the best of luck with your life and education.  Im sure people here, including myself, would support you no matter what you do.  

Stick around, we'll try to make it fun.
Thanks, do you really think so? I mean yea I can try but I'm just not too entirely sure about myself
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#30
Well, i cant expect you are as sure aboit yourself as i am about myself considering you're years youbgercthan me. The only real difference is that i've been through MDD(minor) before, and it did end.  

At that time i was really alone, i delivered parts at a dealership for a college job, got very little sleep due to my schedule, and was anorexic.  The only things keeping me going were the idea that i had control over my weight and grades.  When i did get an occasional bad score on a test, it was so devistating that i would spiral out of control.  Those days i occasionally drove past a very deep canyon, and when i did i knew how easily i could just *boop* right over the edge.  I can't remember how close i came to driving off a cliff, but on midnight december 31, 2005 i had the buisiness end of a loaded 30-06 rifle in my mouth.  I counted diwn the new year, knowing if i fired at midnight the fireworks around the neighborhood would mask the sound of my rifle.

10, 9, 8, i closed my eyes. 7, 6, i got my finger just right, 5, 4, 3... i pulled it out of my mouth, turned it and at 1 and shot it into the ground. Then fell to my knees and cried.  I could hear fireworks, and people cheering the only thing going through my head was a femine voice saying over and over "it doesn't matter"

It was a snippet of some Howard Stern re-run of a sound effect they used.  I knew what i meant of course, that my life was defunkt now.  Which also meant that anything i did didn't matter. If i got good grades or not, gained weight or not, skipped exersize or not, i would have been dead, so who cares.

It was a surprisingly cathartic moment.  Especially since i figired my guardian angel stopped me from doing it.  I was pretty onto into catholosism at that point.

So anyway, at that point i decided i should just fix myself up and show the world that ignored me that i am worth noticing. I gained 30 lbs, all muscle, quit my job, got student loans, and started to sleep better.  Still depressed, i was on a mission to look good at least.  And wouldn't you know, when i shaved regularly, did my hair, wore nice clothes, slept better, looked normal weight, fixed my teeth, girls who shunned me before were suddenly striking up conversations with me.  

The point is, if you hit bottom, sounds like you did, then you have nothing to lose.  What else can you do with your life, lets see how high you can go now.
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