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That PR with Abia and tulpa


Abia

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Formerly "I shouldn't feel obligated to come up with a snappy title, but I do". Then, "Too late Abia realized that a thread title should contain a username". Too late I realized that neither of these titles were especially funny, so I changed it to something less pathetically creative.

 

 

I'm a little uncertain of how to proceed with writing this, but I think it's a good idea, so I'm going to try.

 

I can't actively force for more than an hour or so at a time, so most of what I've been doing is passive, just narrating and talking to Dan everyday. It's hard to keep up when I'm not doing much of anything, but when I'm walking around, doing chores, or focusing on something, it's easier. Hard to set aside a part of concentration for conversation, though thinking about it being hard gives me something else to talk about, so there's that. Basically I'm just trying to keep a constant narrative going in Dan's direction when I'm not active-forcing.

 

I'm beginning to question the choice of Dan for a name, since I know at least three people in real life named Dan, plus there are a couple fictional characters with the name, but it I like it and I think I'll keep using it unless something shows or tells me I shouldn't.

 

July 26th was just active-forcing for a very short period of time at the end of the day. On the 27th I started narrating tentatively. Yesterday on the 28th, I worked and became more comfortable with the idea of narration--the process began to feel smoother. I tried visualizing a form for Dan, since up until then I'd just been picturing a 2D cartoon figure. The majority of his form is still pretty fuzzy. When I started trying to visualize his face, it was slow going at first, but then there was a weird moment of (something like) clarity, and I saw his face easily. He's harder to visualize now, but I don't see the cartoon figure anymore, just a blurred person in my mind's eye.

 

I've been questioning the idea of having a wonderland. The idea isn't unappealing, it just doesn't sound super great. I know that my visualization needs work, though, so today I set aside an hour or two to try to build something. It's nothing glamorous--a studio apartment, as a matter of fact. That's probably a little unusual for a wonderland, but I like it.

Visualization is difficult because I usually picture things in third person. I tried hard to see things as if I was in the wonderland, and I did for a moment or two, with the same almost-clarity I'd had when seeing Dan's face. That was a few hours ago, and right now I can picture the wonderland fairly easily. I still have some work to do with building it, but I think it's a pretty good start?

 

I haven't heard or felt anything from Dan yet, but I'm only a few days in, which I think is normal. I'm kind of worried that my constant narration might make it difficult for him to get a word in. Whenever I think I've felt something, I clear my mind and ask him to repeat it. Still nothing, but again, I've just begun and it's too soon to get discouraged.

 

I think that's all? I'd like to do a little personality forcing today, and try to see the wonderland again. It's difficult to keep finding things to narrate constantly, but you can take literally anything and talk about that, right? I can tell him about not having anything to tell him about, then about paradoxes, then about wait does that technically count as a paradox? It's an unfamiliar kind of conversation, but in a way it's fun.

I've been more tired than usual and have had mild headaches since starting. The tired thing is actually good, since my sleep schedule has been out-of-whack and I should probably sleep more. Headaches are bothersome, but not a big deal, and somehow the physical effects make me feel like I'm making progress with this whole thing.

 

I know there are no (or few) (?) right/wrong answers for tulpa-forcing, but still advice and experiences would be nice, just to know what others have done. Reading other progress reports is surprisingly reassuring, to be honest.

 

Whelp, I've gone on for longer than I'd intended, so I'm going to go ahead and wrap this up. Suppose I'll update when I feel it's appropriate.

 

edit: I'm conflicted over whether or not personality/form forcing is the right thing to do. I don't really have a firm belief about tulpas being sentient, but I'm talking to Dan as an actual person the best I can. I think it's best to assume sentience, so this is what I'm doing. This makes me feel weird about trying to choose what his personality will be. I don't have a problem with form, since that's been coming naturally and just feels right/normal so far. But I've been actively trying to instill personality traits in him. Is it okay to do this to someone who is sentient? When I think about it, I'm left with a sour taste in my mouth, but at the same time I really would like for Dan to have a personality like that I'm imagining. So... I'm ambivalent.

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Added to this several times throughout the day before posting.

 

I definitely want to be able to get in at least 30 minutes of active-forcing daily, at least until Dan and I are able to talk easily.

 

I was feeling really skeptical and doubtful earlier today. I’m trying to keep narrating constantly, which means I’m communicating doubt in addition to hope and whatever else I’m thinking. Hadn’t considered that it might be bad until now. Will it harm my tulpa if passively forced thoughts include skepticism? How skeptical can I actually be if I’m still narrating? I’m trying not to worry too much over it, since a lot of tutorials say that doubt is a big obstacle, but I can’t exactly turn it off.

 

I’m feeling better about this whole thing now. The day’s just begun, so we’ll see if that lasts.

 

I tried some visualization earlier today and implemented a few new techniques. Instead of trying to put myself in a new wonderland, I used a daydream I’ve been having for awhile and tried first person point of view there. Once I was more used to that, I was able to look inside of wonderland more easily. I’m also able to better see Dan’s form. I don’t know if what I currently see will be permanent; I’m content with how he looks, but if at any point Dan wants to change it, I’ll be happy to see the new result.

 

I’m going to watch a movie now and see if I can narrate my thoughts throughout it. I’d like to get better at narration while multitasking, plus I think watching a movie with a tulpa sounds like it’d be really fun, even if there isn’t really communication between us yet.

 

After finishing the movie, I narrated for a little bit and then tried forcing. I wasn’t keeping time, so I don’t know how long I did it for. It was mostly personality forcing with a little visualization. When I left wonderland, I felt fatigued, as if I had been walking for awhile.

 

All the guides I’ve read or am reading say to stay positive. This is hard. I’m a worrywart. Then there’s the thought that negativity could stress your tulpa out, and oh I don’t want to do that, but now that’s another incentive to relax and be cool, which I can’t because now I’m worried about being chill or how to become chill or… whatever slang people use these days, I dunno. I think I’m doing okay with positivity, though. I have concerns, but I don’t think I’m being pessimistic, and my motivation is still good. Having to constantly narrate is kind of nice for this, actually, because the required focus is somewhat of a distraction from any worries.

 

Some of the guides and resources here are infinitely helpful, and have helped assuage my doubt. I’m trying to take what I’m worried about and turn it into reassurance. When I put it into words, it sounds like blind faith--which is definitely a possibility. I’ll examine that later. For now, I think progress is coming along reasonably.

 

edit:

 

Lots of n00bing in this post, don't mind me.

 

Apparently there is no such thing as unintentional parroting. Being a self-diagnosed special snowflake/n00b combination, I can't help but worry about my own case.

I frequently puppet people in my own imagination, picturing what they'd say in different situations (usually those in which I grow big enough balls to speak my mind). Mentally puppeting people is easy for me.

I've been careful to avoid doing anything like this with Dan, because I want to be sure that, when I do hear him, it's not just my imagination (or, y'know, however you phrase that--I suppose "just my imagination" doesn't work in this case--I don't want it to be within my conscious control, to an extent).

I was reading the "best tulpa quotes" topic and wondering/thinking about conversations I might have in the future, what Dan's first intelligible words might be, etc. I think I may have done some parroting without realizing it (is this possible?). A few minutes in, I heard "I care about you too, Abia" (earlier I'd been doing mushy care-about-you narration) in an unfamiliar voice. Nothing like I imagined for Dan, but I haven't done any forcing related to voice. I narrated my thoughts, that I wasn't sure if it was my thought or his, apologizing for the doubt and asking him to repeat it. I heard it again but at that point I was a little frantic and didn't know if I was repeating it to soothe myself or if it was actually Dan.

I relayed all of this to Dan and asked him, if it was him who said that, to surprise me at some point. I heard the voice again when I was washing dishes, but that was also a time when I was thinking about the situation, so, yep. More confusion.

 

I think this is possible. Whether tulpas achieve full sentience or are a projection or the subconsciousness doesn't matter to me; I would like to be a part of it either way. But I don't want to delude myself into thinking I have a tulpa when I only have my own thoughts--especially if sentience truly is formed, in which case, would I be letting Dan down? I'm sure questioning myself doesn't do much for him. Ech.

 

Fuck doubt, y'know? Gets in the way of everything. Sure, "everything" includes death (as in, getting in the way of, something that is desirable in most situations), but chances are very slim that the current situation will result in death, so confidence would be nice. I guess I'm the only one who can do anything about my doubt. Still trying.

 

Confidence is definitely my biggest issue with this. I have motivation, lots of it, I'm just afraid that I'll interpret what Dan first says incorrectly. I suppose this doubt will only be harmful in the meantime. I'm going in circles. I'll try to stop.

 

This is more a vent than a log, sorry. Does anyone have advice on alleviating doubt or telling the difference between autonomous thought from a tulpa and parroting/imagining on my part? I'm going to read the parrotnoid guide now, that will hopefully help. Puns usually make me feel better.

 

Part of the reason I wanted a tulpa was to relieve self-doubt. The doubts I have now make me feel like I should keep trying so that I can fulfill my goal. If that's ridiculously optimistic, I can stand to be ridiculously optimistic for a little while.

 

Writing this has helped.

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July 31, 2015

Today was a good day. Went for a hike, saw the sights, ate good food. Trying to communicate experiences to Dan helps me pay more careful attention and enjoy things a little more. The possibility of reality is enough.

 

August 1

Spent some time passive forcing earlier today. Haven't narrated as much as I should have. Around 3:30 p.m., I worked on visualization a bit. Made some changes to the wonderland. It's now a small (i.e. the same exact size/layout as the studio apartment) house on an island. Haven't done anything with the island aside from giving it a perfect beach and speculating about terrain.

Worked on implementing senses into the wonderland. Sight is getting better, but I think that will take the most time. Touch is biggest visualization priority, and it is improving. Smell is weak, but present with focus. Haven't worked at all on hearing or taste.

Trying to relay external stimuli to Dan is a great help for wonderland visualization. I'm still active forcing everyday and narrating whenever I can, but narrating is getting a little harder. I think watching a movie or something should help. Need something non-interactive to focus on.

Wonderland visualization is fun, but I'm not sure what I'm exactly supposed to do.

 

August 2

Been hearing/feeling "nudges" once every few days, possibly signs of developing consciousness, more likely just my own thoughts. Trying to take a more skeptical view of potential responses by assuming that they're intrusive thoughts and the like, acknowledging them, and moving on. Doubts have been minimal, narration enjoyable.

Pretty sure I have unrealistic expectations about how long this will take, so after a little thought I figured I should let go of any overeagerness to interpret responses. The process takes a long time, and there is not a way around that. Better to embrace than deny it.

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August 5, 2015

Just been keeping up with stuff the last few days. Made a list of things to do. I'm trying a different style of narration, which requires less concentration and is easier to maintain while multitasking.

I'm a little scared that maybe this new way is wrong and Dan, who is no longer being addressed in the same way, is slowly dissipating. I think that's unlikely, since I'm doing my best to keep forcing, and I'm still directing my thoughts towards him, which should be enough? I went back to the old method for a few minutes and tried to explain what I was doing. I think it'll be fine, but y'know, doubts are doubts are nasty motherfuckers.

 

August 6, 2015

Seriously been neglecting active forcing responsibilities (I don't know if that's the right word). Too easily distracted, even while just narrating. Going to a convention this weekend,which is either a great opportunity for interesting narration or a minefield of distractions. Hopefully the first thing.

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