Hello There, Guest! Register

Tulpa Community Census 2018

The Adventures of a Girl & Her Psychotic Hedgehog
Rachel Gardner Offline
MariaTheFictionkin
Registered

Posts: 9
Threads: 0
Joined: Jul 2018
1 Attached Account
#1
 
Wink  The Adventures of a Girl & Her Psychotic Hedgehog

This isn’t really a progress report per say, but more of my life happenings with my soulbond (or a tulpa which people like to refer him as), ShadowTheFluffhog and all my other ‘bonds. I’m not too sure as to why I decided to post my stuff again after my rant about leaving and avoiding people. This probably will be a mistake that will turn downhill in the future (I always seem to find ways to regret my actions). But right now, temptation and the utter feeling of sadness and “loneliness” is not letting up and the isolation from communities and people is eating away at my depression. And apparently speaking out about my life with Shadow is one of the things that fills in that void and gives me that temporary “happiness”. Why? I don’t know. This probably isn’t healthy for me mentally now… but I have no alternatives to keep me away from this stupid thing called “temptation”, so, here I am now. Talking about my life with Shadow.

I wasn't aware of the new auto-ban bot that banned new accounts that make their first posts links in them, so I was banned when trying to make a thread in Progress Reports. Since I wasn’t able to send my concerns to the suggested staff chat and I did not want to access the chat rooms… I made another account. I hope all this stress of having to make another email and yet another account wasn’t for nothing. -sigh-
 
July 3rd, 2018 - I had a fight with my mother as she had called me selfish for being suicidal. For those who don’t know, I’ve been going through a lot of mental struggles throughout the years and it has gotten worse lately thus I’m trying to find an affordable psychiatrist; I also have a very bad history with my mother. During this event, I was in tears as my mother went on to tell me how it’s my fault that I can’t handle social situations and how I only cared about myself for wanting to take my own life over “dumb” things.
 
This was the first time my fiancé/soulbond, ShadowTheFluffhog, had enough of her and told her off through my voice. He used pronouns to refer to me as he verbally lashed at her. Take in to account that Shadow’s been with me for about 10 years now, so he’s witnessed all the bad that has ever happened to me between her and I. It was an uncomfortable experience for him and me since the idea of a headmate speaking from the physical body to other people isn’t something socially acceptable. Shadow ended up going into my room, slamming the door and busting into tears over the situation which of course the tears where coming from my own eyes. Shadow and I both have been depressed about it upon a lot of other things going on. But, right now neither my mother and I want to bring up what happened that day… and I think it’s for the best.
 
July 6th, 2018 - Shadow and I started to invest our time in delving into the series, Angels of Death/Satsuriku no Tenshi since the characters represented a lot of ourselves and the relationship we have with one another. Shadow being “Zack” Isaac Foster and myself being Rachel Ra- I mean… Rachel Gardner. Shadow has been completely obsessed with the series as I’ve played through episode 1 of the game and saw the first episode of the series already. We’ve been sharing our love for it a lot which is nice.
 
July 11th, 2018 - Nothing much has been happening. Shadow and I have been spending more time together as Zack and Rachel for the time being, messing around and chatting in our private discord server like always. Shadow has been putting sauerkraut in almost all my food, making a pig of himself as we eat. I’m going to need to get a bigger jar since he’s about to put the last little bit on our rice for dinner.
(This post was last modified: 07-12-2018, 02:16 AM by Rachel Gardner.)
07-12-2018, 12:23 AM
Website Find Reply

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to

Cat_ShadowGriffin Offline
and Ranger
Registered

Posts: 53
Threads: 12
Joined: Jan 2018
1 Attached Account
#2
 
RE: The Adventures of a Girl & Her Psychotic Hedgehog

I'm glad to see you back in the forums!

Don't worry, the only rule about progress reports is to only have one. I'm not a moderator but I can find one for you if that would be helpful. We had the same issues with the autoban stuff when creating Ranger's account.

Don't worry guys, I'm not a Dragon! My art style is an optical illusion. I'm not a hippo either, I promise.
Ranger usually speaks in azure text, but some of his older posts are in orange text.
07-12-2018, 12:49 AM
Find Reply
Rachel Gardner Offline
MariaTheFictionkin
Registered

Posts: 9
Threads: 0
Joined: Jul 2018
1 Attached Account
#3
 
RE: The Adventures of a Girl & Her Psychotic Hedgehog

(07-12-2018, 12:49 AM)Cat_ShadowGriffin Wrote: I'm glad to see you back in the forums!

Don't worry, the only rule about progress reports is to only have one. I'm not a moderator but I can find one for you if that would be helpful. We had the same issues with the autoban stuff when creating Ranger's account.

Ah alright, and thanks! Smile
07-12-2018, 12:51 AM
Website Find Reply
solarchariot Offline
It's bigger on the inside
Forum Moderators

Posts: 205
Threads: 14
Joined: Apr 2016
#4
 
RE: The Adventures of a Girl & Her Psychotic Hedgehog

Hello, Rachel.

I am not sure your hedgehog is psychotic. At least, I can't find evidence of that in your post. It seems like Shadow had a reaction to environment (mother) and we do react to things. We tend to react really strongly when people we care about are threatened, real or perceived.

I can not fully appreciate, understand, or know what your life is like or what you are going through. What I hear in this is that you are, or have been, suffering. I can report that when I was growing up, and even as a young adult, I experienced persistent suicidal thoughts. I eventually learned to box them into a useful feature where I used the frequency of those thoughts as a barometer to determine my level of coping with stress. One random thought in a month, pff, I am doing good. One or more a week, I am not attending to my stress. One or more a day over consecutive days, I wasn't attending and I needed to slow the world down and take care of business. I share that with you so that if you can do that, make it useful, as opposed to using it as evidence that you are crazy or psychotic, then yay, use it. Generalizing, suicide tends to be the brain looking for an escape from a perceived threat or no win scenario. As a counselor in real life, I am bias, and highly recommend counseling. I am also pro psychmeds. The scientific literature is very clear, people feel better with meds, they get better with counseling, they do both better faster, with typically longer lasting results if they do both simultaneously. It sounds like you have been doing that, but I am also hearing you're feelings of loneliness and want to remind you there are people, groups, and organization that care. If you can't afford a psychiatrist, most big cities have a community clinic. Some of the rural communities have options as well... Unless you're in Oklahoma. In terms of serving mental health, they came in last. I know that because I live Texas. We beat Oklahoma by one state. Texas still has this 'pull yourself up by your own boot straps' mentality. The thing is, they didn't hand out any boots at birth.

If you get nothing else out of this... We care. You're not alone.
(This post was last modified: 07-12-2018, 02:20 PM by solarchariot.)
07-12-2018, 02:17 PM
Find Reply
Rachel Gardner Offline
MariaTheFictionkin
Registered

Posts: 9
Threads: 0
Joined: Jul 2018
1 Attached Account
#5
 
RE: The Adventures of a Girl & Her Psychotic Hedgehog

(07-12-2018, 02:17 PM)solarchariot Wrote: Hello, Rachel.

I am not sure your hedgehog is psychotic. At least, I can't find evidence of that in your post. It seems like Shadow had a reaction to environment (mother) and we do react to things. We tend to react really strongly when people we care about are threatened, real or perceived.

I can not fully appreciate, understand, or know what your life is like or what you are going through. What I hear in this is that you are, or have been, suffering. I can report that when I was growing up, and even as a young adult, I experienced persistent suicidal thoughts. I eventually learned to box them into a useful feature where I used the frequency of those thoughts as a barometer to determine my level of coping with stress. One random thought in a month, pff, I am doing good. One or more a week, I am not attending to my stress. One or more a day over consecutive days, I wasn't attending and I needed to slow the world down and take care of business. I share that with you so that if you can do that it make it useful, as opposed to  using it as evidence that you are crazy or psychotic, then yay, use it. Generalizing, suicide tends to be the brain looking for an escape from a perceived threat or no win scenario. As a counselor in real life, I am bias, and highly recommend counseling. I am also pro psychmeds. The scientific literature is very clear, people feel better with meds, they get better with counseling, they do both better fast, with typically longer last results if they do both simultaneously. It sounds like you have been doing that, but I am also hearing you're feelings of loneliness and want to remind you there are people, groups, and organization that care. If you can't afford a psychiatrist, most big cities have a community clinic. Some of the rural communities have options as well... Unless you're in Oklahoma. In terms of serving mental health, they came in last. I know that because I live Texas. We beat Oklahoma by one state. Texas still has this 'pull yourself up by your own boot straps' mentality. The thing is, they didn't hand out any boots at birth.

If you get nothing else out of this... We care. You're not alone.

Stating Shadow is psychotic...hmmm... There is definitely a lot about him that I haven't spoken about. Shadow is very much into some dark and evil stuff but it wouldn't be appropriate to speak about here thus I left it out. But how I titled the thread was just to be fitting because of the kind of guy Shadow is.

Suicide is not the only thing I'm dealing with but it was just something I was suffering from at that moment. There's times where I get really violent and I want to vandalize and commit murder because of my utter dislike in people and my social anxiety and the stress people cause me. Usually these thoughts have just stay thoughts for what ever fantasies I have that I like to use to cope. But it's gotten bad to the point where it's hard to contain my anger anymore and I fear the risk of going to prison. that upon being suicidal are things the that I need to talk to my psychiatrist about. I'll eventually have the money to go see one, just right now it's not possible. I already went to a psychologist a month ago but she wasn't really helping me so I'm trying to find a psychiatrist. I've been very biased about therapy and medication for years because of my last experience with speaking to a school counselor in the past and just how I am with people. But it's getting way too bad for me lately and I'll either go to prison for murder or commit suicide if I don't do something soon.

I'm not good with making sense with my thoughts, so all this that I wrote probably sounds like a load of bs. I don't know how else to interpret what you replied to me, but yes, overall I haven't said a lot about myself to really give a complete understanding of what I'm going through in life. But.. thanks.
(This post was last modified: 07-12-2018, 03:07 PM by Rachel Gardner.)
07-12-2018, 03:03 PM
Website Find Reply
solarchariot Offline
It's bigger on the inside
Forum Moderators

Posts: 205
Threads: 14
Joined: Apr 2016
#6
 
RE: The Adventures of a Girl & Her Psychotic Hedgehog

It's actually discernment not to share everything in a public forum. I hope you find a psychiatrist soon. If push comes to shove, and you find your thoughts of harming self or others is too much, go to the nearest Emergency room, or call 911... They will get you to where you need to be to remain safe, and both of those paths tend to lead directly to a psychiatrist.
(This post was last modified: 07-12-2018, 04:43 PM by solarchariot.)
07-12-2018, 04:42 PM
Find Reply
Rachel Gardner Offline
MariaTheFictionkin
Registered

Posts: 9
Threads: 0
Joined: Jul 2018
1 Attached Account
#7
 
RE: The Adventures of a Girl & Her Psychotic Hedgehog

(07-12-2018, 04:42 PM)solarchariot Wrote: It's actually discernment not to share everything in a public forum. I hope you find a psychiatrist soon. If push comes to shove, and you find your thoughts of harming self or others is too much, go to the nearest Emergency room, or call 911... They will get you to where you need to be to remain safe, and both of those paths tend to lead directly to a psychiatrist.

Ok
07-12-2018, 05:30 PM
Website Find Reply
Rachel Gardner Offline
MariaTheFictionkin
Registered

Posts: 9
Threads: 0
Joined: Jul 2018
1 Attached Account
#8
 
RE: The Adventures of a Girl & Her Psychotic Hedgehog

July 12th, 2018 - I had a dream last night where I was in my high school. My soulbond, Zeraora was there. He was taller than me with a very chill personality. I spent a majority of the time trying to keep up with him because he would vanish constantly and re-appear somewhere else. My ex-boyfriend and one of his friends didn't like Zeraora because of something he said, I can't remember much. They ended up killing him before I could find him. Apparently, he was a robot in this dream, as my ex-told me as he also told me that he was a bad person to be with. They ended up deposing his robotic parts in a bag where I couldn't find them. I can say for sure what emotions I felt at the moment but I did want to find someone to construct me another Zeraora and ended up going to someone's garage to see if I could find someone to do it. But, I eventually woke up.

So yeah, I awakened from my slumber. My mother was gone to work. At times when I have been deep into a dream, I may wake up feeling uncomfortably weird as if I'm still dreaming and expect something bad to happen.

Getting up from my bed as I headed to the bathroom to wash the nasty sleep from my eyes, Shadow told me good morning. Which he doesn't do often but it was nice.

Shadow: "Goodmorning sweetie. Didn't want you to feel alone and scared waking up alone in the house."

I don't notice it often but when I get anxious I tend to rock back and forth and do weird things with my hands such as smack a balled up fist in the palm of the other. Shadow was staring at me and I stopped. He had me make something for myself to eat since it was the afternoon and I hadn't eaten anything today.

Not much else happened because I passed out for the rest of the evening... Hmm... Can't recall any dreams I could've had either but I am excited that Zeraora and the movie, Pokemon: Everyone's Story, is out in Japan today, plus the second episode of the anime, Angels of Death/Satsuriku no Tenshi should be be out sometime later today as well. I don't know if I'll find anyone who has clones of Zeraora today for my Pokemon Ultra Moon. But, I do know some people on Smogon forums who have stated that they will eventually have giveaways of the pokemon so I'm sure that I'll be able to get one soon enough. If it's not apparent based on my dream and what I just mentioned, Zeraora is my favorite pokemon... Friday the 13th!

Pokemon Showdown will also be doing a mass giveaway for Zeraora on the 15th. The statement goes as followed:

Zeraora Giveaway

Join us in the Wi-Fi room on Sunday, July 15th starting at 8 AM EDT for a mass (USUM in-game) giveaway of the newly released Pokémon Zeraora! There will be periodic raffles, so be sure to stop by for a chance to win one!

—bumbadadabum on Jul 12, 2018

Quote of the Day: "It's ok. Don't worry about people here getting weirded out because a psychopath is "talking to himself"." - ShadowTheFluffhog when asked if people from his world ever raise an eyebrow at him talking to me through telepathy, 2018

Pic of the Day (not made by me): Zeraora

[Image: 90Rzqpx.png]
(This post was last modified: 07-13-2018, 05:33 AM by Rachel Gardner.)
07-13-2018, 04:42 AM
Website Find Reply
Rachel Gardner Offline
MariaTheFictionkin
Registered

Posts: 9
Threads: 0
Joined: Jul 2018
1 Attached Account
#9
 
RE: The Adventures of a Girl & Her Psychotic Hedgehog

July 13th, 2018 – So, I did eventually fall back to sleep again after my messed up sleep pattern last night and had a dream. In this dream, a bunch of stuff happened. I was at Hogwarts and was riding on a sentient magic carpet with another soulbond on mine, Hoopa-Unbound. A dementor was chasing us up this giant swirling flight of stairs and I made a wish to Hoopa to protect us. He created a shield around us only to be grabbed by the dementor and taken away. I tried to go back for him, but I woke up.

Continuing with the day, I don’t know but for some reason I was feeling super down and irritated. Maybe it was because I slept my entire evening away the night before and was dreading on it. Shadow kept prying me to tell him what was wrong as he would look at me with a concern. I told him I did not know but he made suggestions that I was probably depressed, frustrated with personal matters and overall disappointed in myself because of me sleeping my night away. Shadow wanted to make me feel better by finding fun things to do today and isolate myself from others and useless distractions that detour me from regaining a relaxed mind.

Around noon, Shadow encouraged me to get up and as he went to make lunch. Since Shadow was in control of my body for the most part, there was the hint feeling of dominance and strength surging through me. It was nice. Shadow sat us down with the food and began to eat, leaving me a mess on the floor to clean up.

Pretty much nothing else is worth noting for the day and I don't expect anything else to really happen the rest of the evening. If anything happens tonight that is worth sharing, I'll add it to tomorrow's post.

Quote of the Day: “Mmmm... poached quail eggs with a bit of sauerkraut and natto....” – ShadowTheFluffhog, 2018

Pic of the Day (not made by me): "Zack" Isaac Foster

[Image: cZD0jTc.png]
(This post was last modified: 07-13-2018, 11:08 PM by Rachel Gardner.)
07-13-2018, 11:06 PM
Website Find Reply
Rachel Gardner Offline
MariaTheFictionkin
Registered

Posts: 9
Threads: 0
Joined: Jul 2018
1 Attached Account
#10
 
RE: The Adventures of a Girl & Her Psychotic Hedgehog

July 14th, 2018 – For a while now, Shadow and I have thought about creating our own magic spells. We spoke about how we would use the Project Shadow logo as his sigil in a spell but haven’t really touched too much into it. And not too long ago we spoke more about ways we could how we’re going to do it. 

Before, we couldn’t find anything suitable for him and I. I wanted something that would specifically work for Shadow. That would give him the surge that he needed to experiment with certain phenomenon. A year or so ago I talked to a former pagan friend from college on Facebook to see if it’s possible to create your own spells. He said it was, so I thought of ways of how. I revisited old sites I used to go on for spell ideas, but I couldn’t find anything about how to give an entity like Shadow power. Most things just involved how to summon entities to talk to you, love spells, money spells and so forth. So, I was going to try to combine that with old stuff I used to do years ago with the help of Shadow, to see what he feels will be effective for him.

Other than that, today was a slow day. Nothing much happened. I played Minecraft for a portion of it but besides that, nothing worth sharing. I’m supposed to go to the theaters on Monday though. Since I couldn’t see the First Purge with Shadow last week because of some stupid crap with the movie pass app I had on the phone, we may see it then. Or not. Depends on how I feel.

Quote of the Day: “Just draw my insignia and add shit that I like. It would be a start. I like death and destruction so find things that relate to that. Give me power. I’m hungry.” – ShadowTheFluffhog, 2018

Pic of the Day (not made by me): Project Shadow Logo

[Image: 01q9kTd.png]
07-14-2018, 07:10 PM
Website Find Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to


Contact Us | Tulpa.Info | Return to Top | Return to Content | Mobile Version | RSS Syndication