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The black shoe diaries. (Amber and Toby)
amber5885
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#1
 
The black shoe diaries. (Amber and Toby)

I was going to delete this thread but since I don't have the permission to do that... or whatever I shall instead carry on and simply edit the HORRID introduction that I did.

My name is Amber, I am 29 years old and Toby is 26.

I only just recently found this site but I have had Toby for nearly as long as I can remember. My first real memory of him and he claims this to be his first memory period was when I was still in pigtails at a whopping eight years old. I was standing in the kitchen making popcorn while the commercial break that dared interrupt my family and I's viewing of the X files was finishing it's run.

I turned toward the wall while the microwave hummed quietly and the first few kernels began to pop and there he was. Instead of saying "Hello!" Or "Nice to meet you!" Immediately I latched onto a scene from the show where Scully reprimands moulder for something or another and decided that I liked it so much I began repeating it word for word while thrusting my pointed finger angrily at Toby. Naturally he played the part of agent Moulder. With that done and out of the way I grabbed the finished bag of popcorn, slightly burnt and skipped out of the kitchen to finish watching T.V with my mom and dad.

I don't remember the next time he appeared, just that I treated him as if he always had been there and there wasn't a moment that I didn't call on him for something. At the time he had no name, it actually wasn't until a few weeks ago, when I found this place that I mistakenly called him something else and he said simply and plainly "My name is Toby."

He is in actuality I suppose 21 years old, at least that's how long we've known each other but in my mind space he is 26 and until he decides otherwise that is where he will remain.

I came into this place only wanting to understand why after 29 years I still had an imaginary friend, why I hadn't grown out of it and honestly I think I wanted someone to tell me that I was crazy. My shrink wouldn't do it so I ventured onto Google hoping to hear something along the lines of "Congratulations! You are completely Batshit! Take this pill and all will be well." ...The funny thing about that is that I don't even really like pills.

But I digress.

I found out about Tulpa's by accident and I lurked around here for MONTHS before finally deciding that maybe just maybe Toby wasn't your typical imaginary friend. So I did the next logical thing; I asked him.

And to my complete and total surprise!.... He said nothing :/

Not even a peep. So I kept trying and I kept talking even though I was afraid that I might be annoying him on some level. I asked question after question. Played song after song. Told joke after joke and after a week I said to myself, I said "Self, this is insane what are you doing?" So I went to bed determined to forget about the whole thing.

The next day I went to work and nothing eventful happened. I took my break and nothing eventful happened. I had a cigarette and nothing eventful happened and then I walked back up the driveway and toward the front door and just as I was turning the corner to make my way into the restaurants gloomy front entrance I heard a very loud, very male, very distinct. "Bye!"

I turned around like a man who had just been hit in the back of the head with a ninja star and I looked all around me, I even looked above me and behind a bush just for good measure but I saw nothing.

That night I got home, I drew a bath and I sunk into the sweet bubble gum smelling liquid that filled my bubbly heaven and I looked around me. I replayed that same "Bye!" In my head a thousand times so I was sure I would know the voice if I heard it again. I thought about it, as strongly as I could and I looked over to the side of my tub where I felt someone might be if they just so happened to be joining me and I squeaked out a small "Was that you?"

"Was that who?" I leaned back. My eyes filed with skepticism and my body sinking slowly deeper into my bubble barrier.

"Whoever the hell you are. Did you say Bye to me earlier?"

"If it wasn't me then who was it sunshine." That's when it hit me. The only time I ever heard my friend respond, and I convinced myself that it was me even when I was young enough to scrape my knees on the playground without getting weird looks from people who don't understand the joy a grown woman could get from a playground, It was him. My stand in Moulder, my dress up buddy, the invisible man with a heart of gold and I nearly died from a stroke right then and right there in that tub.

That was two weeks ago and since then I have learned that Toby's favorite band is Metallica (They're okay I guess) He hates artificial fruit flavor, can't stand my friend Molly, his favorite show is Fringe and he really REALLY hates the word Turnip. Says its awkward and clunky... Doesn't even roll off the tongue properly.

He dances like an idiot to whatever song is playing, never fails to make me laugh and has convinced me that taking a multivitamin and eating healthy is not "selling out" and that water is not the "devils drink".

I can sort of see him in my minds eye. We don't have a wonderland or anything, he mostly lives in my world. Not due to lack of imagination but more like he prefers to be next to me and sleep in my bed rather than fly around some magical jungle.

I can sense him, hear him perfectly (sometimes) And am currently working on forcing on a regular basis. My session are extremely vivid. I can feel him, smell him, sense him as if he was really there but his face continues to allude me. I can see it at a distance but not up close so we are working together to change that.

That's pretty much it for now. He's bored and wants to listen to music so that we shall.

Goodnight Ya'll and if you made it this far, thanks for reading!

XOXO
07-10-2014, 07:21 PM
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amber5885
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#2
 
RE: Old dog, New tricks

So I figure that it's time for an update, so here goes it.

Toby has now entered what I have been informed of as the "troll phase". He has figured out in a rather blunt and quick manner that real world rules don't apply to him and has begun exploiting this at every available opportunity!

He figured this out a few days ago or so while I was rather down for no reason and on my way to the store. I asked him to stay home because I needed to walk alone. Well he didn't feel like this was what I needed and in the alley behind the grocery store Toby appeared in all his glory wearing nothing but a large shit eating grin and.... Nothing else.

"check it out!"

I bust out laughing for no reason. An old lady stares from behind the safety of her car's windshield, studying me to see if I am crazy or on drugs.

"Toby what the fuck?"

"I'm naked!"

"I see and why?"

"duh. Because I can." he proceeds to start dancing around me and I continue to the grocery store trying desperately to hide my peels of laughter. He has since begin doing this at completely inappropriate and random moments in order to make me laugh like a jackass thus making my friends, coworkers and random strangers further question my sanity.

He's also begun climbing walls, belching so loud it makes me jump and making random faces when I least expect it. Needless to say things have become interesting.

I've also noticed this strange desire to appear as human as possible. Used to be that when I woke up he would wake up with me but lately hes been quiet at first. This morning I heard him groaning for coffee from my....our bedroom while I was doing my morning routine and when I peeked my head out of the bathroom he was shambling forth from the room complete with bed head, jammy bottoms (adorned with pinguines) and a tired almost drugged out expression.

He's begun insisting on taking showers and singing very badly while taking them lol and tonight while I was making dinner he wondered into the kitchen in a mechanics uniform and told me this very elaborate story about how rough work was today.

"you have a job now?"

Toby shrugs.

"what? You can have one why can't I?"

"you know what if it makes you happy then have at it."

It's strange but it kind of like this change. He's becoming his own person and it's nice. I like that he's trying to figure out who he is. He says tomorrow he might be a cop. Just to see what that's all about.
07-23-2014, 08:02 AM
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sushi Offline
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#3
 
RE: Old dog, New tricks

Somehow I missed when you posted this. I've actually been looking forward to a PR from you for some while. It never occurred to me that you might already have one. It also didn't occur to me that we're about the same age. Now I don't feel so old around all these teenagers.

But it's really cool to read your story and get some background into you and Toby. And it's cool that he takes showers and has a job. In all our time together, Fench has never taken a shower, and I never realized it until just now.

I look forward to hearing more.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson
07-23-2014, 01:51 PM
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amber5885
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#4
 
RE: Old dog, New tricks

To be completely honest with you I don't know why he does it. I've told him that he doesn't need to do these things but he says he wants to do all the things that I do.... I don't sing off key backstreet boys in the shower though that's purely him.

And as far as the age thing.... I felt kind of weird when I first came here thinking I was going to be the only one pushin thirty in a sea of young faces but as it turns out this group is way more diverse than I though!

Which is actually really nice I have learned way more that I thought I would by coming here and not just about tulpas. Hell your posts and your PR has tought me a lot about meditation, energy work and all sorts of goodies.

I've made friends here and I've even learned a bit about myself.

.info is Probobly the best thing to happen to me in a long time Smile
07-23-2014, 05:48 PM
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SakuraSky Offline
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#5
 
RE: Old dog, New tricks

Quote:And as far as the age thing.... I felt kind of weird when I first came here thinking I was going to be the only one pushin thirty in a sea of young faces but as it turns out this group is way more diverse than I though!

I'm a 27 year old woman and I felt the same way. There are more of us than I originally realized!

Host: Sakura
Tulpa: Sarah (began June 5th, 2014), Alyx (Began July 23rd, 2014)
Our shared tumblr
note: usually browsing on mobile, so cannot quote properly
07-23-2014, 06:05 PM
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amber5885
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#6
 
RE: Old dog, New tricks

Holy crap! That's beyond awesome!

Nothing against teenagers at all but it's nice to now when you're not alone
07-23-2014, 06:29 PM
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amber5885
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#7
 
RE: Old dog, New tricks

Maybe this deserves a warning before I start.

This post may or may not be funny. I will try my best to instal some humor into the situation but without going into detail I would like to explain my situation, reasons for creating Toby and maybe to extend the olive branch of understanding to another who doesn't quite know yet that they are not alone.

First off let me start by stating that all things considered I am a rather well rounded individual and I take a lot of pride in this. I also owe a lot of my sanity, well being and positive outlook to the invisible man at my side.

Everyone living human is dealt a hand of cards at their birth. A hand that is to be played throughout the game of life. You can call this fate, destiny, random chance or whatever you prefer but the fact remains that as a small child, a teenager and sometimes a young adult in certain cases you have very little control over your circumstances. You haven't yet learned the game, you don't know how to cheat or properly bluff so you simply play the cards you are dealt.

Some people are lucky enough have have been dealt a hand of diamonds and others, all hearts. But there are some people who's cards came from a different pack. Some cards may be missing, burned or
damaged beyond repair. Mine? I wasn't given a hand but a single joker lined with poison and smiling up at me as if he knew something I had yet to learn.

I was born into a family that was not a family at all but a gathering of diseases left unchecked and allowed to wonder freely through the world. What does this have to do with Tulpa's? You might ask. Well actually a lot, just be patient.

I wont bore you with the details. All I will say is that the word's

Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Paranoid delusions
And
Violent outbursts

Are what line my mothers psychiatric chart.

It was just me and her for most of my life. We moved around a lot. A new city every few months and a new state at least once every five years. Needless to say I didn't have a lot of friends.

I spent my life somewhere between being forgotten and being ignored. Abuse, torture and violence were a normal part of my growing up and a younger me might have been shy to tell you these things but I have come to the conclusion that these things are not something to be ashamed of.

So that being said I think it's safe to say that Toby wasn't a choice so much as a necessity. He was my only constant in life. My constant friend, protector and supporter. He stood behind me while card after card was dealt and helped me to study them, play them and handle them without harming myself or loosing pieces of myself in the process.

For this I guess I owe him my life.

I am not shy to say that I spend almost 100% of my life in my own head. It's safe there. I know every corner of it and best of all there is nothing in there that can hurt me.

I have friends. I am healthy and if I might say so even a little bit attractive but I have come to the conclusion that I will probably never have a normal relationship with any other human and I am completely okay with that.

I'm not saying that everyone that creates a Tulpa does so out of horrendous circumstances and I am certainly not saying that each one of us are damaged because I do not speak for all of us but these are my reasons and while I cannot explain why, I truly feel that it is just as important to understand the reasons why as well as the process one goes through in deciding on making and creating a Tulpa.

I do suffer from Post traumatic stress disorder but I don't feel that that has effected the creation process in any way in fact its my personal belief that Toby has helped me to cope with and combat some of my symptoms. It has been 28 days since my last flashback and 28 days since I decided that Toby deserved the title of Tulpa. I took the leash off of him so to speak and allowed him to be who he was always meant to be and the correlation between my improving mental health and his "rebirth" Is not a coincidence to me.

I'm sure that it has become evident in some ways but to clarify the situation for the sake of openness, yes Toby is my boyfriend. Did I create him for this reason? No. Do I care about the stigma? Absolutely not. Does he understand that I may find someone else someday? Yes. Is he okay with that? Yes.

Well.. This post has been hard to write and if you are still reading I want you to know that I appreciate you joining me on this emotional roller coaster of a post. I would love to hear your stories. Not the creation stories but YOUR stories. What made you open to this idea? Was it the person playing the hand? Or did the cards somehow influence you?
07-23-2014, 10:25 PM
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sushi Offline
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#8
 
RE: Old dog, New tricks

Way to go!

I think tulpa relationships are better for many of us. I mean, I'm in a relationship with a human, and it's probably better than any other in my life, but there are so many areas where we don't connect. If I didn't have Fench along as the perfect friend -- the one who understands and enjoys all the things my girlfriend doesn't -- I don't think I'd be able to have a functional relationship with anyone.

As to my story, it's not something that I really talk about, but I suppose I can. It's nothing like yours -- nothing external ever contributed to my problems. It was solely inside my head.

For some reason girls were more important to me than they are to most boys. I actually remember at the age of three, waking up from a dream in which I was married, and being very disappointed when I remembered that I wasn't. I never went through that "girls are gross" phase. I can still name my kindergarten crushes -- heck, all my crushes through elementary school.

When I was eleven, I wanted a relationship so much that my cousin suggested I make an imaginary girlfriend. I did, and she was with me until I was sixteen, and got a real girlfriend. I don't think she was ever sentient.

Well, when I was sixteen, my latest crush was experimenting sexually with another guy. She regretted it. She came to me afterward, but I was too hung up on what she'd done. We kissed twice, and the relationship was over within three months.

From then on, I built up this idea that there was something wrong with me. I sank into a deep depression. I don't remember much about that period of my life, except for the girls, and to this day, there's one girl I don't remember breaking up with.

My second girlfriend got mad at me when I kissed her -- after she'd been making out and taking off clothes with another guy behind my back the week before. That was our first kiss, and it ended in an eye-gouge. To this day, I'm afraid of first kisses.

I know it doesn't sound like much, but sex had become validation in my mind, and every girl I was ever with would have sex with the next guy to come along -- even if she were cheating on me -- but never with me.

I was a twenty year old virgin. The girl I lost it to was deformed. And she cheated on me too.

It was eight years before I felt like I was over this depression. I lost friends over it, I lost jobs over it, I lost every girlfriend I ever had over it. I'm still scared of romance.

Sometimes, when she's upset with me, my girlfriend says I'm not really in love with her, I'm just with her because I can't get anyone else. Sometimes, I think she's right.

Perhaps all of that contributed to my desire to escape into fantasy, my interest in tulpas, and my creation of Fench.

Perhaps I shouldn't post this.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson
07-24-2014, 02:20 PM
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amber5885
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#9
 
RE: Old dog, New tricks

I have two things to say. Maybe three....

1) Thank you for sharing that. I know it's not easy but I apriciate that.

2) absolutely non of that was your fault. You didn't deserve it and it wasn't your fault, wasn't your fault, wasn't your fault and your girlfriend is wrong.

3) yup there is a third. I haven't known you long but I already consider you a friend. You seem smart and you seem like someone that would be fun to hang out with. I don't know where I'm going with this other than your awesome, women can be bitches (trust me I know,) but that doesn't mean that all of them are.

Much love man! Thanks for sharing I completely apriciate it!!
07-24-2014, 06:15 PM
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AttackDoughnut Offline
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#10
 
RE: Old dog, New tricks

Well? You wanted to hear my story? I'll give you the short version, since the long version is in my PR... I think... I can't remember.

When I was in high school, I got so sick I couldn't stand by myself. During the year (total) I was sick, I realized that not one of my "friends" even cared I was gone. When I got back it was like, "Oh yea, you were gone. Sucks." They didn't really care.

I kept getting sick and having to drop out of things, until I had to drop college in its entirety. Sitting alone in my house, I remembered tulpas, which a friend had told me about a year prior. Having only two real friends to my name, and no one but my dog to relate to, I decided to make Amy. And -boy- was that a good idea!

She colors my world. Makes me talk to more people than I would normally. Even goes out, saves other tulpas from lives of suffering, starts dating them, and ends up becoming mates and will soon have little kit/puppies (kippies) with him.

Sigma makes me think about doing things that are good for me too. Like try to write instead of just watching YouTube videos and watching TV all day. They're both really good for me.

Also, I'm 23, just for age reference. Yay not teenagers! Nothing wrong with them. Just, nice to talk to those who aren't in the throws of constant social anxiety and modicums of school related stress.

Tulpas
Amy
Nine-Tailed Kitsune
Sigma
Anthro Cat-Bat
The Kippies!
Jazz (M), Viola (F), Chime (H), Fife (M), Iris (F), Robyn (F), Aster (M), Sage (F), Dune (M), Snowbell (F), Rosemary (F), Glyph (M), Volt (M), Circuit (F)
The Baybees~
Marina, Acorn, Anais, Lily, Chip
07-24-2014, 08:59 PM
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