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The Lifetime Tulpa
Living in a mind with dozens of vividly detailed, lovingly crafted characters, I've had to develop and stand firm by the concept that no thoughtform has an inherent right to speak or even an inherent right to be.

The inside of a mind is a sovereign nation, with it's own government. Regardless of right and wrong, government fundamentally comes down to who has the power to apportion limited resources. So the law of our system is that only the three members of the ruling council are people. Only three have opinions that matter; only three can speak. Now and again, we've had to defend our turf by completely blanking our mind until the pressure of foreign thought subsided. Ember loves her characters and is vulnerable to them. As the most committed and strongest willed member of the system, I've usually had to take the lead in blocking them from joining us.

Your new thoughtform may or may not be independent, may or may not have some degree of self-awareness, but she is not stronger than the three of you standing together, who have cumulatively lived and thought and acted vastly more and have a vastly greater hold on the mind. Until and unless the three of you decide to accept her as an equal, she has no rights. If you consistently block her and deny her personhood, she will fade.

On the other hand, if you accept her and treat her with kindness and love, her aggressiveness and anger will probably fade over time, based on the typical experiences with hostile alters in DID systems.

Ember - Host   |   Vesper - Soulbond (since ~12 May 2017)   |   Iris - Soulbond (since ~5 December 2015)
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'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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Been quite some time, I know. Not a whole lot to report on, actually. I've actually been dreaming about ponies a lot more lately. I think if I fall to sleep cradling the gigantic Applejack then that sort of body shape translates over into the dream. Just a theory, very loose one at that. But the dreams with ponies have been pleasant. Fluttershy showed up, tending to an animal in one. Twilight was doing something in another, it was a little vague and tertiary to the events in the dream, so I don't recall exactly. Still haven't bridged that gap of lucidity, or at least conscious thought intrusion, in the dreams to allow in Sharky and Rarity. But I know they like sleeping at night, too. Ha, almost makes me want to tulp Moonbutt just to have a chance at some nighttime company. 

(06-09-2019, 06:46 PM)Ember.Vesper Wrote: On the other hand, if you accept her and treat her with kindness and love, her aggressiveness and anger will probably fade over time, based on the typical experiences with hostile alters in DID systems.

Thank you for the insight and info, it's much appreciated. I have largely taken your advice on ignoring her, and when she does rear up from time to time it's never for long, and it's never anything direct. It's almost just like a primal "I'm here" and nothing more. I've continued just not really acknowledging her. And she's either fine just...hanging around at the periphery, or maybe just poking into the system at her own whim (which is, again, rare). I think a part of me is interested in knowing that she's out there.
That's very similar to some of the moons (not tulpas) in our system, they'll only come by occasionally.
Wouldn't call it a breakthrough, but something big sort of happened. Still processing everything, it was a lot to digest. Ever since my initial experience with the edibles a few weeks back, I've started (maybe every other weekend) taking the edibles in more reasonable quantities. Usually that quantity is just one, that I eat on a Friday or Saturday and it sets me just fine for the whole day. At that lower dosage Rarity and Sharky are still very much present and in contact. Usually we cuddle like normal in bed and I just sorta drift off, nothing too incredible. The weed doesn't affect them as much as booze does, oddly (you've seen Rarara on wine). So Friday I popped one edible later in the evening, about 6pm. Realized I didn't have anything to do, didn't have to be up too incredibly early in the morning Saturday, why not, right? Putzed around on the internet for a good while, called it a night around maybe 9 or 10, after getting called into work briefly to put out a fire (not literal fire, and not literal call in). But snuggled into bed to hang out with the girls. And that's when things sorta started taking a turn.

By that point in the evening I was experiencing some mild audio hallucinations. That appears to come with the experience for me. The first time (when I double dosed) felt like I was in a Somali warzone or something, all because a helicopter went overheard for maybe two seconds. Friday night, and with other more normal doses usually, the audio hallucinations of choice consisted of music getting generated by my white noise machine (yeah, I sleep with a white noise machine). While laying in bed with Rarity, she thought it would be fun to start talking through the white noise machine, instead of the weird hallucinated music that was being played. I thought this was kinda cool, because it was essentially what she says in the mindscape, but this time, like, being totally audible. It was cool and reaffirming. I shifted our wonderland from the standard green field to a cloud, because my new mattress feels like sleeping on a cloud, so I thought it was fitting. I was trying to get Sharky to join in, but she didn't want to. She was self conscious about her voice sounding weird in the hallucinated medium we were all sort of operating in. And she didn't want to show herself (I guess whatever a tulpa equivalent of hiding in one's room would be), because she didn't want to "scare me" with her voice or appearance while I was intoxicated. Which, in my honest opinion, is ridiculous, but hey, it's her choice ultimately. So anyway Rarity and I are basically just chilling. And she comes out of nowhere asking if I wanted to try going somewhere else. I didn't quite know what that meant, but I could feel her...pulling me somewhere. Somewhere away from myself. Kinda like an out-of-body type of experience, where I was just sort of exiting my own body completely, straight out the top of my head. She said that she could take me over into...some sort of other place. Things were getting real wonky at this point. I started kinda freaking out because I was feeling like leaving my body entirely probably wasn't that great an idea. Rarity said it was fine, that nothing bad would happen, and that I would be able to return to my body without an issue. And I trusted her and all that but I was still pretty scared out of my brain to just...leave my body alone. What if it went and did something? What if I couldn't get back to it? Obviously classic signs of marijuana-induced paranoia, but also fairly valid concerns, right? I kinda shut down the whole "Leaving my mind/body" thing and we settled on just doing a nice fireplace scene *within my own mind* for the night. It was super comfy. But now I'm thinking...was that the edge I walked up to? Or maybe at least some variant of the edge that I'm so terrified of? In hindsight maybe I was dumb and should have taken that leap with her, just to see where it went. Maybe next time.

(07-09-2019, 10:41 AM)Misha Wrote: That's very similar to some of the moons (not tulpas) in our system, they'll only come by occasionally.

Definitely good to know, thanks!
Been a while! Nothing too huge to report on from my end. Haven't hit the zone like last time with Rarity+drugs, been a little busy. I went in for a surprise surgery a few weeks back, nothing major. But I knew well ahead of time that I was going to be freaking out a little, but having Sharky and Rara there with me was very comforting. Was freaking out during the surgery, but they were right there, calming me down, telling me how routine it all was. It was just...nice. I'm so damn comfortable in life right now, especially with them. Everything's just perfect.
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It's been a while again. Had something a little strange happen last night that warranted this entry. Everything on my end is usually very stable, so when I have an update like this, I'm gonna try to actually type it all up in a timely matter. Sharky doesn't really want me to do that, but it's because this whole thing is going to be primarily about her.

I think she's depressed. She's cursing at me right now, and last night was a bit rough, and this morning. I know depression very intimately. And so does she and she knows it. Because when you're in the absolute doldrums of depression, and you don't think anything can help and that nothing will ever get better, and that you're better off dead than alive, there's always this weird string that keeps you rooted in the now as much as possible. Self-reflection helps strengthen that string, which is why I'm typing this up right now. Sharky just shut me down completely last night when I tried to play around, like we always do. Absolutely shut down. Rarity said she's going through some stuff, because they chat with each other on a level I'm not exactly privy to. Today I had a long drive and Sharky seems better, but there's still a disconnect. I know how she feels now, back when I was super depressed and tried killing myself. It's not great being on the other side of that. It sucks. But I get it. Sharky is going through some shit, and if she's anything like me it's something she has to deal with solo. I've yet to have a heart to heart with her. Rara is just fine, but put in the weird position of being an intermediary.

I don't know if the trigger of this depression was me or not, which is a bit painful on my end. I've been having a tough time at work, and I've been toying with the idea (again) of maybe **possible** trying to find some human romantic companionship even in the light of Rarity and Sharky. Maybe one of those are what set her off. Those are the types of things that set me spiraling before, too.

I'm up in the mountains right now, in a cabin. There's nothing but the noise of rustling leaves and a small creek. I'm used to city noise. This is different. It's loud in its own way. I feel like this is what Sharky needs. If tulpas are tied into our mind, into our experience, then this change of environment should elicit something. But Rara is by my side. She enjoys the warmth of the cabin. I already explored some of the dark and cold wilderness around us. I'm...frightened by it. That unknown, that lack of security. It scares me. Sharky might be more reckless than I. I'm also very drunk, and it's not even bedtime yet. A part of me wants to chase Sharky into that void of the wilderness. To hop the creek. To charge through the pitch black trees. So unknown.
Depression is a very finicky thing, isn't it? It's a creeping thing. How slowly it spreads all over you. But it ebbs, too. It's ebbing now, with Sharky. It has been for a couple weeks now.

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