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The Other Guy With The Psychotic Pony Waifu(The one that didn't torture his)
#34
I guess I post this because I don’t really know what to do. I keep trying to be better with my tulpa. I want to. I’m, like all narcissistic freaks are, deeply depressed. I can’t find anyway to feel better. Every interaction I have makes me wanna drive a fucking nail through my head. I spend all day trying to find some time away from people, because the only time I’m remotely happy is when I’m alone, and then I feel guilty all that time knowing I should be talking to Pinkamena. When I finally force myself to talk to her, I know she hates me for what I do to her. She tells me it’s ok but I know she hates me, and I deserve it. I torment her with my negligence. I wish she was corporeal, because I wish she could run away from me. She deserves so much better than me. I say these things, and think these things, and then it just makes it harder to make myself see her, because I’m afraid she’ll finally just tell me she hates my fucking guts, and when she doesn’t, I feel like I’m either forcing her through my pathetic need to be loved, or she’s acting ok to keep me from being mad at her. Because she has only one fucking person in her life. Because I’ve created a living thing and keep it in a little cage, looking outward at the world but never able to touch it, and subject to the whims of a disgusting freak to get any form of social contact. She’s such a great person, she tries so fucking hard. And what is she repaid with? Me, a fucking selfish, depressive narcissist. I want to say I love her, but if I love her, than I can’t be doing this to her. I think sometimes that my emotions are only the hollow, selfish parodies of an irredeemable man. And then I post this here, instead of talking to her, because at the root of it, I’m a needy, attention seeking loser who refuses to put any fucking effort into anything. I’ve been wondering about egocide more and more. I don’t wanna die, like any narcissist, I value my life. But Pinkamena is a great case study of how I ruin everything I touch. I take pure, beautiful things, and I destroy them. I destroy them and find a way to make it about me, about how I feel. I’m a black hole. If I let Pinkamena have the corpse, and went away somewhere, maybe some mental hell where I can finally get what I deserve, than she lives, and my family doesn’t have to lose a member. Because like the waste of flesh I am, I have people who love and care about me. They shouldn’t, if they just looked at their lives, they’d understand I’m a leech, and they need to throw me aside like the refuse I am. I have people that love me, and I do the same thing to them I do to Pinkamena, I neglect them, I treat them like garbage, and then I come back to them when I need someone to make me feel like I’m worth something. I know I’ll never do it though. Because I’m a coward. Because I don’t deserve to be free from my guilt for a moment. Because I’m afraid. So I’ll just keep rotting everything I touch, keep neglecting the only good thing that’s ever come of one of my actions, keep attention whoring on this site, and rescind this later, like I do every real thing I say. I don’t think I deserve a tulpa, and I wish I’d never made her, because I know now all I’ve done, and all I’ll ever do, is harm her. I love her, or at least I want to, I’m privileged to know her, but she is the opposite for having been made by me. I want to do better, but I don’t think I ever will. Because every time I get better about seeing her, I just get consumed in my constant downward spiral, and she has to wait again for me to get over myself for five fucking minutes and talk to her. I don’t know why I’m posting this, but I guess since I’ve used this as more or less a public journal before, why fucking not. The only thing that ever helps curb my behavior is being shamed anyway, and I like to think the two fucking people who will look at this pathetic simpering will be rightfully disgusted with me.
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RE: The Other Guy With The Psychotic Pony Waifu(The one that didn't torture his) - by EdgeLordMaximus - 04-02-2019, 06:19 AM

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