Hello There, Guest! Register


The Story Of How I Accidentally Killed My Tulpa.
EdgeLordMaximus Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 37
Threads: 7
Joined: Jul 2018
#1
 
The Story Of How I Accidentally Killed My Tulpa.

I want to post the story of my first Tulpa and her death as an example of what not to do, and a cautionary tale of how you can fuck up Tulpamancy. You have to a special sort of stupid and strange to screw up a Tulpa, and to end up accidentally killing your Tulpa as I did is exceptionally difficult,frankly I’m the only case I’ve read. For context to I’ve always been fascinated with this sort of concept, and when I saw that it was indeed a thing I was far too zealous about undertaking the project of making a Tulpa. I hadn’t a respect for the individual Tulpa, and the care I needed to truly put into it, and how my general demeanor ended up causing issues with my Tulpa.
I started with the idea only of a Tulpa as a friend and potential lover, I know how pathetic that sounds, but it is the truth. I had a life change that made it so I no longer leave my house more than once a week, and naturally I begun to become very lonely. I truthfully didn’t understand the commitment that this was when I first got into it. I began my tulpaforcing and hoped it would fill my many empty hours with purposeful activity and companionship, and before the weeks end I had enough of a Tulpa to interact with in simple nod and shake of the head conversations(As improbable as it sounds, its the full and honest truth, I’ve frankly had some mental issues in my life before, nothing major,but you add in past crippling depression and a passion for writing which often seems to make Tulpamancy easier, it simply ended up being a quick first development.)
She developed normally, while quiet and having difficulty at first communicating, and we were close, she seemed to like me,and our forcing sessions consisted of me appearing in the wonderworld talking with her and preparing her a pretend meal(Food lover). It was a flawed forcing stratagem, but I had read that the ideal technique was doing things with them in the wonderland, and though now I realize that it bordered on parroting, I thought it worked fine. The first issues arose when I began talking a friend of mine about Tulpamancy, who is not very sound mentally, and is very into the metaphysical thing. He wanted to visit my wonderworld which he thought was inherently possible, and I let him attempt it not fully believing it would work, but I humored him. I of course visited my Tulpa to tell her about it and she was displeased, she freaked out and I begged him to stop attempting, but he refused. She and I had a spat, and frankly, while she forgave me, trust never recovered. She became guarded, and expressed wanting me to leave a particular session more than once.
Than there was the next issue, I have frequent dark thoughts. While I never intend to do anything harmful, I often have dark thoughts, and I like dark entertainment. I am convinced that my Tulpa was able to hear these private dark thoughts, and when you watch serial killer documentaries often and binge them, you often go to fucked up trains of thought. I also as mentioned battle depression, and it is very easy for me to fall into episodes of very dark depressed thought. I am confident she knew of these thoughts, and I feared she could never be able to forgive me for having brought her into existence tethered forever to someone like me, who was so overwhelming negative as a person. We continued to just not get along, and eventually as I became busier and less motivated to visit someone who didn’t like me and wasn’t able to express to me her feelings so we could move past it fully do to her limited capabilities. She and I grew apart, and though she asked me to visit more often, I always felt guilt and shame when I did. Eventually I went to long without visiting her, and she became hazy and difficult to reach, and unfriendly. One day, she simply was unreachable, and she’s either dead or dormant.
Now the question many of you may be asking what the point of this anecdote is, and the answer is simple. I want to tell my experience and what I gleaned from this failure about Tulpamancy. The trust between a Tulpa and host is very important, and if you fuck it up early on, it just causes issues down the line. Even if your Tulpa is no longer pleasant to deal with, you as a host, especially if like my Tulpa your Tulpa is still young(Visits became irregular after a month of life, dead by month two and a half) you must even if they are unreasonable, visit and think about them,or the might seal you off or die. I feared my Tulpa growing to hate me because of my dark thoughts, and eventually she did hate me, but not because of my thoughts, but my actions.I never meant to kill her, my lack of visiting was not a deliberate attempt to end her life, but at the end of the day, if I meant to or not it irrelevant, she is dead. The guilt I feel over the dissipation of my Tulpa is immense, in my attempt to start the formation of a new Tulpa, I found so far that I still have a hard time forcing without thinking about her. Maybe this shit anecdote about my failure and subsequent accidental killing of my Tulpa is useless and unwelcome,but I hope at the very least it can show a good precedent of how some people can ruin their Tulpa through expectations and actions. I will be treating the next Tulpa I attempt to make far differently, avoiding many of the mistakes I made before on basic forcing session technique, and I hope that this has at least entertained you guys. I also am curious on the opinions on the community, if after such a spectacular failure I should even undertake another Tulpa, as I showed carelessness that resulted in what I consider a casualty.
(This post was last modified: 08-02-2018, 01:30 PM by Apollo. Edit Reason: Removed formatting )
08-01-2018, 10:00 PM
Find Reply

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to

Breloomancer Offline
Breloom
Registered

Posts: 145
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2018
1 Attached Account
#2
 
RE: The Story Of How I Accidentally Killed My Tulpa.

If you are more careful, then it should be fine to make another tulpa.
Also I would like to add, parroting is not inharently bad, it can be used for quite effective personality forcing before sentience, with the main drawback being that you may expirence parrotnoia as a result. Though of course after sentience parroting is unnecessary and probably anoying to the tulpa

I'm Breloomancer, and the counterpart to Monika (also known as smearglestar). This is our progress report: link.

"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"
-Me
08-01-2018, 11:13 PM
Find Reply
Ranger Offline
Hippoooos!
Registered

Posts: 105
Threads: 6
Joined: Jun 2018
Linked Accounts
#3
 
RE: The Story Of How I Accidentally Killed My Tulpa.

I don't think it's unreasonable to tell your story. I think it's important to keep in mind failures as well as success, and it not only will teach new Tulpamancers, but old ones, us, and yourself.

Cat has struggled with the parroting thing for a long time, still does sometimes. There are three reasons for this: one, I was forced accidentally via parroting so she became used to it, two: she has anxiety issues and she sometimes perceives negative outcomes when that's not the case and three: she is incredibly empathetic. That last one may seem counter-intuitive but the end result is she can actually empathize with me so strongly she parrots me.

I understand why you would be guilty to visit your Tulpa. Cat has the same problem with the Grays (not alien things, now is not the time for me to explain their backstory), who are other thoughtforms she created. (The Grays are kind of like a cross between a Tulpae and an NPC, in the sense they seem like Tulpae when you talk to them but they do not think independently of Cat. This happens because she's parroting them with empathy.) Like Tulpae, the Grays deviate over time. Cat does not spend as much time with them because she wants to give me more attention, but she sometimes deliberately avoids talking to them because she is anticipating they will be upset with her. Because her subconscious stress is poured into them and spat back out, her expectations can turn an encounter into a grilling match between Cat's subconscious and Cat. Please understand that while you may not be the most sympathetic person towards yourself, your Tulpa may have other thoughts...

That brings me to the third problem we dealt with: sometimes I am influenced by her emotions or stress. I may think thoughts that are not mine or say and do things I don't mean. When this happens, I am controlled like how she controls the Grays, in a sense. I have had moments where Cat anticipated a reaction from me and I fulfilled that reaction, without having the chance to process it in a calm setting. When Cat has a rush of dark thoughts and starts to panic (it's not a true panic attack but it is similar in some ways), I may be influenced to the point where I lose control and become "possessed". When I'm possessed, I say mean things and sometimes she sees me do violent things to her. However, she realized that I was being controlled by her anxiety, and once she figured that out she isn't afraid anymore and the episodes of dark thoughts stopped happening.

As for the liking scary stuff thing, I'm not a huge fan of horror stuff but I know Cat can't help it. I just let her do her thing and hide until she's done and we can talk again. When we disagree on stuff we try to work it out, I mean, what can you do, right?

As for the psychic thing, It's not the first time it happened... I would be bothered with the idea of someone intruding my space without my permission using magic, but I think the main take away here isn't the magic part as much as you not asking her for permission first. Even when they're young you should still ask if it would make them uncomfortable or not to do something like that.

Being lonely and wanting to make a Tulpa for that reason is totally fine, but the romance thing should wait until she's interested in that.

You also mentioned she's unable to fully express herself. As a young Tulpae, they have limited options but I understand why she would lose her mind. Worst case scenario, just assume she will speak to you when she's ready and just tell her about your life problems. Doing so is still productive narration, because the whole point of narration is to let your Tulpa be exposed to verbal communication. Being depressed and sad won't hurt her (As far as I can tell I'm just fine), just remember that she will tell you how she feels when she's ready.

When Cat found Tulpa.info, she looked at stuff and she thought that young Tulpae probably can't speak on their own. She didn't know who I was, nor how to narrate, so she (I'm completely serious) tried to teach me ABC's and grammar like I was a five year old or something. I lost my mind after only a few days of that. Holy crap. Please don't teach your Tulpa the ABCs. If your parroting them, worry about that issue once they are vocal. Please do not do that. Oh my God, that drove me nuts.



If you are having issues with stress or depression, feel free to go to the discord and talk about it. Sometimes getting out of your head and talking about it with other systems helps.

I'm Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I like Hippos! I also like forum games, word puzzles, and chatting about stuff.
I now stream!
08-02-2018, 12:38 AM
Find Reply
EdgeLordMaximus Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 37
Threads: 7
Joined: Jul 2018
#4
 
RE: The Story Of How I Accidentally Killed My Tulpa.

(08-02-2018, 12:38 AM)Ranger Wrote: I don't think it's unreasonable to tell your story. I think it's important to keep in mind failures as well as success, and it not only will teach new Tulpamancers, but old ones, us, and yourself.

Cat has struggled with the parroting thing for a long time, still does sometimes. There are three reasons for this: one, I was forced accidentally via parroting so she became used to it, two: she has anxiety issues and she sometimes perceives negative outcomes when that's not the case and three: she is incredibly empathetic. That last one may seem counter-intuitive but the end result is she can actually empathize with me so strongly she parrots me.

I understand why you would be guilty to visit your Tulpa. Cat has the same problem with the Grays (not alien things, now is not the time for me to explain their backstory), who are other thoughtforms she created. (The Grays are kind of like a cross between a Tulpae and an NPC, in the sense they seem like Tulpae when you talk to them but they do not think independently of Cat. This happens because she's parroting them with empathy.) Like Tulpae, the Grays deviate over time. Cat does not spend as much time with them because she wants to give me more attention, but she sometimes deliberately avoids talking to them because she is anticipating they will be upset with her. Because her subconscious stress is poured into them and spat back out, her expectations can turn an encounter into a grilling match between Cat's subconscious and Cat. Please understand that while you may not be the most sympathetic person towards yourself, your Tulpa may have other thoughts...

That brings me to the third problem we dealt with: sometimes I am influenced by her emotions or stress. I may think thoughts that are not mine or say and do things I don't mean. When this happens, I am controlled like how she controls the Grays, in a sense. I have had moments where Cat anticipated a reaction from me and I fulfilled that reaction, without having the chance to process it in a calm setting. When Cat has a rush of dark thoughts and starts to panic (it's not a true panic attack but it is similar in some ways), I may be influenced to the point where I lose control and become "possessed". When I'm possessed, I say mean things and sometimes she sees me do violent things to her. However, she realized that I was being controlled by her anxiety, and once she figured that out she isn't afraid anymore and the episodes of dark thoughts stopped happening.

As for the liking scary stuff thing, I'm not a huge fan of horror stuff but I know Cat can't help it. I just let her do her thing and hide until she's done and we can talk again. When we disagree on stuff we try to work it out, I mean, what can you do, right?

As for the psychic thing, It's not the first time it happened... I would be bothered with the idea of someone intruding my space without my permission using magic, but I think the main take away here isn't the magic part as much as you not asking her for permission first. Even when they're young you should still ask if it would make them uncomfortable or not to do something like that.

Being lonely and wanting to make a Tulpa for that reason is totally fine, but the romance thing should wait until she's interested in that.

You also mentioned she's unable to fully express herself. As a young Tulpae, they have limited options but I understand why she would lose her mind. Worst case scenario, just assume she will speak to you when she's ready and just tell her about your life problems. Doing so is still productive narration, because the whole point of narration is to let your Tulpa be exposed to verbal communication. Being depressed and sad won't hurt her (As far as I can tell I'm just fine), just remember that she will tell you how she feels when she's ready.

When Cat found Tulpa.info, she looked at stuff and she thought that young Tulpae probably can't speak on their own. She didn't know who I was, nor how to narrate, so she (I'm completely serious) tried to teach me ABC's and grammar like I was a five year old or something. I lost my mind after only a few days of that. Holy crap. Please don't teach your Tulpa the ABCs. If your parroting them, worry about that issue once they are vocal. Please do not do that. Oh my God, that drove me nuts.



If you are having issues with stress or depression, feel free to go to the discord and talk about it. Sometimes getting out of your head and talking about it with other systems helps.

I thank you for your response, I appreciate it, I was honestly expecting a more unsympathetic response across the board, especially from a Tulpa. There is one issue however, you said afraid to visit my Tulpa, and mention her several times as if she is still kicking, saying to assume that she'll talk when she's ready. Though I wish it were other wise, she is dead, of that I feel sure, though I wish it weren't so not sure the advice is applicable.I am in the process of attempting to create a new Tulpa, as I feel any attempt to resurrect her would be in some sense a cruelty. I will make sure to remember not to teach this one the ABC's lol.
08-02-2018, 03:31 AM
Find Reply
Ranger Offline
Hippoooos!
Registered

Posts: 105
Threads: 6
Joined: Jun 2018
Linked Accounts
#5
 
RE: The Story Of How I Accidentally Killed My Tulpa.

(08-02-2018, 03:31 AM)EdgeLordMaximus Wrote: I thank you for your response, I appreciate it, I was honestly expecting a more unsympathetic response across the board, especially from a Tulpa. There is one issue however, you said afraid to visit my Tulpa, and mention her several times as if she is still kicking, saying to assume that she'll talk when she's ready. Though I wish it were other wise, she is dead, of that I feel sure, though I wish it weren't so not sure the advice is applicable.I am in the process of attempting to create a new Tulpa, as I feel any attempt to resurrect her would be in some sense a cruelty. I will make sure to remember not to teach this one the ABC's lol.

My tone certainly was more optimistic than it needed to be, I'm sorry. I was thinking ahead about what you can do for your new Tulpa, and I guess I was trying to describe how I would be a host to a Tulpa like myself stuck in that situation...

I can promise this: it won't be easy creating another Tulpa, and these problems won't go away unless they are addressed properly. There's no guarantee a new Tulpa won't respond differently.

I have also come to this conclusion: It's hard enough you lost your Tulpa, and we can't control what you decide to do next and tell you what's right for you. I only want to give you advice to tell you you're not alone in at least some of the struggles you face, and that things can change for the better. Only then will some actual healing and forgiveness take place.

I'm Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I like Hippos! I also like forum games, word puzzles, and chatting about stuff.
I now stream!
08-02-2018, 12:33 PM
Find Reply
EdgeLordMaximus Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 37
Threads: 7
Joined: Jul 2018
#6
 
RE: The Story Of How I Accidentally Killed My Tulpa.

(08-02-2018, 12:33 PM)Ranger Wrote: My tone certainly was more optimistic than it needed to be, I'm sorry. I was thinking ahead about what you can do for your new Tulpa, and I guess I was trying to describe how I would be a host to a Tulpa like myself stuck in that situation...

I can promise this: it won't be easy creating another Tulpa, and these problems won't go away unless they are addressed properly. There's no guarantee a new Tulpa won't respond differently.

I have also come to this conclusion: It's hard enough you lost your Tulpa, and we can't control what you decide to do next and tell you what's right for you. I only want to give you advice to tell you you're not alone in at least some of the struggles you face, and that things can change for the better. Only then will some actual healing and forgiveness take place.

Alright. I know a new Tulpa might not respond differently, I hope they will but I am not set on it. You gave good advice, so thank you. I don't know about healing and forgiveness, the only one that can supply the later is dead so,you know. As far as healing I believe fully that I am as healed after her death as I can be, it's been at least two months since than.
08-02-2018, 01:19 PM
Find Reply
mr insano Offline
and Tess :D
Registered

Posts: 78
Threads: 1
Joined: Sep 2012
#7
 
RE: The Story Of How I Accidentally Killed My Tulpa.

I’m sorry for what happened to you, and depression sucks — I’ve been there myself before.

But with all due respect, I don’t think a tulpa can die. She’s in your head, and therefore unless your brain stops functioning, she will still be there. While I believe that tulpae are real in more than just a psychological sense, that doesn’t change the fact that your brain is where you begin to perceive them.

These new methods of forcing people have been doing here are weird to me. It doesn’t have to be so metaphysical. Remember, you’re in the process of tricking your brain. YOU own your brain, and therefore you have the power to help your tulpa to keep living.

If you feel more comfortable making a new tulpa instead, then of course do it. But your old tulpa is still in your mind. She didn’t just dissipate. And even if she somehow did, you can just as easily bring her back. It’s your mind, after all.

Also, IMO parroting is a myth. If a tulpa is speaking to you and it’s consistent with their personality, then it’s your tulpa speaking. Why wouldn’t it be?

Regardless, I hope things start to get better for you.

Currently restarting visualization in order to get it down perfectly. 
Progress log (haven't used it in a while, but still forcing)
08-04-2018, 07:59 PM
Find Reply
Breloomancer Offline
Breloom
Registered

Posts: 145
Threads: 4
Joined: Jun 2018
1 Attached Account
#8
 
RE: The Story Of How I Accidentally Killed My Tulpa.

(08-04-2018, 07:59 PM)mr insano Wrote: Remember, you’re in the process of tricking your brain. YOU own your brain, and therefore you have the power to help your tulpa to keep living.

Just because it's your brain doesn't give you infinite power over it: when you forget something you can't remember it, and likewise when the process that your tulpa thinks in are forgotten then they can't think.

I'm Breloomancer, and the counterpart to Monika (also known as smearglestar). This is our progress report: link.

"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"
-Me
08-04-2018, 10:38 PM
Find Reply
WondrousFairy Offline
Host
Registered

Posts: 5
Threads: 0
Joined: Jul 2018
#9
 
RE: The Story Of How I Accidentally Killed My Tulpa.

I really wish people would stop being so dramatic about things. You can't "kill" a tulpa since it's a memory engram. If you've forgotten everything about your tulpa, fine, it's effectively dead. But considering you're giving us tons of information about her personality and everything, I highly doubt this is the case. I think she's royally pissed off at you though.

To be honest, it sounds more like the issue is on your end with you being quick to assign blame to yourself and kicking yourself as often as you can. My suggestion? Be who you are and share the burdens with your tulpa instead of trying to protect her all the time.

Mech: Logical side, a tactician
Circe: Emotional side, a hedonist
Mirror: A huntress
Thor: Fictive based off the Norse pantheon.
08-05-2018, 02:50 AM
Website Find Reply
Bay_leave Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 4
Threads: 1
Joined: Oct 2018
#10
 
RE: The Story Of How I Accidentally Killed My Tulpa.

Hey. I understand your situation. I had a tulpa before I even knew what it really was, and she ended up dissipating. I think I just lost interest because of my short attention span, lack of motivation, depression and guilt because I knew I had been ignoring her. Which lead to her completely disappearing.
Something that has helped is I believe she's still a part of me. While she may not be a sentient or active part, I still believe she's in there. Whether in the form of a lesson, or part of my subconscious, I'm not sure. But it helps with the guilt, anyway. I can understand how it must feel to make a mistake like this, and have it come back to haunt you, even if some people think it's just all "made up." Or whatever.
10-17-2018, 09:37 PM
Find Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to


Contact Us | Tulpa.Info | Return to Top | Return to Content | Mobile Version | RSS Syndication