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Tons of Kinda Tulpas and Tons of Drama (Rant?)
RustHeart Offline
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#1
 
Tons of Kinda Tulpas and Tons of Drama (Rant?)

So I think it is pretty common for writers to report that their characters start to build a mind of their own and I am not any exception. I have been writing for years and roleplay all the time, it is my favorite activity.  My characters are extremely important to me and I always viewed them as part of me.  I cannot understand for the life of me why someone would ever be okay with selling a character, I would feel like I lost a part of myself.

Whenever I make a new character I never think that it is set in stone that I will actually use that character in anything.  This is because we must first go through some stages to build up that character.  I write a simple bio, usually not very detailed at all even though I know how I want the character to act.  Then I draw the character, listen to music that reminds me of them and make up daydreams and plots making that character deal with different situations.  Basically I think about that character a lot.  Sometimes I don't get anything from them, I feel like there isn't anything there somehow, and I give up.  However if they do get passed this then its time for roleplays.

This is when they really start to take form.  The characters never actually stay exactly how I plan, they add to themselves and add new traits.  Experiences they go through in roleplays shape them into different people.  In order to write a post I must read the response of the other roleplayer, close my eyes and focus on the reaction of that character.  I can easily feel the emotions from the character and it is very common for me to be typing with an expressions reflecting that emotion.  If a character has become too stressed out over something it becomes draining for me and I have to take breaks because their anxiety floods into my own emotions.  I also have had times where people would see me looking angry and ask if I am okay.  "Yup, my character is just really pissed off right now."  Sometimes I even kinda space out a bit and get surprised over what I just wrote in my next post.  Characters sometimes insist on being used in roleplays, by that I mean the moment I start thinking about which character to use they just won't get out of my head. Also characters sometimes just fuck off and I cannot use them in roleplays because it feels weird and unnatural.

You might be thinking right now, that kinda sounds like a tulpa, and I agree.  They are defiantly some form of one but not quite there yet.  There are some differences.
The characters fade the moment I stop thinking about them.
The characters are unaware of my existence and only live to interact with other characters.  The do not know I am the middle man that allows them to communicate with others at all.  (Exceptions are Ink and Error)
The characters have never spoken and rely purely on emotions despite being around for years and years.

If you are curious the characters that act this way the most often are Alex, ClaytonError, Ink, Photo and of course Inkstone.

So where is the drama part of all of this?  Well I didn't know that is was actually something that happened with a good chunk of people and viewed myself as a crazy person and felt disconnected with the rest of the world.  I had very little social skills and could count the amount of friends I had on one hand.  I cared more for my characters than I did for my own family (Hard family life).  I remember I once told my consular that sometimes my characters would tell me what they wanted me to write and she looked at me like I was crazy.  That reaction really stuck with me and I did not tell anyone else about it.

Then I started roleplaying on feralheart with UnderTale based characters.  I started with Error, a character I did not create but was a character people were allowed to use.  I very easily was able to use the character and very quickly was able to figure him out without a bunch of the before mentioned steps.  He has a very prickly nature that is quick to lash out and extremely stubborn.  However if you somehow manage to gain his trust, which is hard to do because of his terrible trust issues, he is actually a bit of a dork who is easily flustered and confused and surprisingly protective.

I absolutely loved this character and got very attached and used him in roleplays constantly.  He eventually attracted the attention of another member of the roleplay group, Fel.  Playing as herself rather than a character, she made a truce with him and very slowly managed to break down some of his barriers and gain his trust.  I lived for these roleplays.  

Fel was a very interesting person to say the least.  She viewed characters as people and seemed to blur the lines between the roleplayer and the character.  She would hate roleplayers that played antagonistic characters and do everything in her power to push them out of the group.  Apparently she used to hate me because Error is a very aggressive character.  Unsure why she changed her mind.  She was extremely controlling, judgmental, manipulative and would make people feel dependent on her.  She hated any kind of conflict in roleplays because she thought it was cruel I guess since she viewed every character, including those that weren't even hers, to be people.  She referred to herself as the admin and the characters as a muse.  She also had some she called a headmate so I am thinking she probably had tulpas or something of the sort.

She told me about how her characters spoke to her and how they were real people and she could go to interact with these characters but always had to be pulled back into the real world by her family.  I had always seen myself as an outcast and that my feelings towards my characters and how my characters acted was wrong so when I met someone who felt the same I clung to her.  Asked her questions, talked to her all the time.  I would say things just to keep her happy because I was afraid of loosing her.  There was also probably a lot of emotion bleeding from Error since he was so attached to her.  There was a lot of shit she did that I let go, but I won't go into it because it really doesn't matter right now.  Basically she was always the victim and always refused to change her ways and I let her walk all over me.

Fel admitted that she had fallen in love with Error which I found kind of weird but I let it be.  Error never was in love with her so it never really went anywhere other than her totally fangirling over him outside of roleplays.  I made a second character for the group, Ink.  He is a much more calm and friendly character that is very friendly and open minded.  He also turned out to be a massive doormat that let Fel rant to him for hours and act like a consoler.  It stressed me out and it stressed Ink out but he was much too kind to say anything.  In the middle of roleplays he would just leave, making me have to control this character that I had zero insight into without their help.  Imagine trying to act convincing as your tulpa without them telling you anything at all, that's basically what it was like. I didn't want to upset Fel so I would act like nothing was wrong.  Fel viewed Ink as her best friend, unaware that she stressed him out and he was scared of her.

Then I made my third character, Inkstone was an alternate version of Ink that had a very different past that changed his personality dramatically.  His personality was erratic and I never really knew what he was going to do until he did it.  He was always a bit all over the place, a chaotic neutral for sure.  Fel hated him.  She panicked when I just mentioned that I had made him thinking I was going to replace Ink with him.  First time she interacted with him she straight up banned him from interacting with any of her pack mates.  She always talked down to him and was very rude and even stressed the hell out of him once by dragging him over the ocean, he was terrified of water, for no apparent reason.  He flipped the fuck out and she literally just sat on him and made him stay there.  Remember that Fel views all characters, even not her own, as actual people and she still for some reason thought this was an okay thing to do.  I learned pretty quick to not use Inkstone in roleplays when Fel was involved.

I only had two people I talked to, Fel and my boyfriend who I will just call Ducks since that was his online name.  Fel and Ducks hated each other and both of them encouraged me to break ties with the other.  I had to explain to Ducks how my characters acted with me and his react was very negative.  He told me that I had some kind of personality disorder and constantly tried to get me to go to the doctor for it.  He also wanted to do roleplays where he could interrogate my characters.  He eventually gave up trying to do that when I told him that Error wouldn't tell him shit, he would just overwhelm Ink and Inkstone wouldn't even know what the hell you are talking about.  I fell out of love with him after that and long story short we broke up.

I finally reached the breaking point with Fel and blew up on her, letting all of my frustrations from the past year out and made sure that she would never speak to me again.  This resulted in a panic attack, I felt like I lost a part of myself.  I felt worse about loosing her than I did with Ducks.  But yet I hated her, I was so done with everything she did.  So why did I feel so terrible about it?  I think it was Error pissed off and devastated that I broke ties with her.  I think he wanted me to feel as bad as possible for doing that to him.  He has not been the same since and its been about two years.  I have only done two roleplays where it felt like he was willing to actually participate in since I stopped speaking to Fel.  It is extremely upsetting because he is one of my favorites and I really enjoyed doing roleplays with that character.  I feel like I broke him and I destroyed my trust with him and I don't think it will ever truly mend.

Fel not only basically ruined Error and damaged Ink, although I managed to fix the issues with him, but she has left me with trust issues and a lack of confidence that I am still trying to recover from.  That year was a dark time in my life and I am still picking up the pieces.  I have gotten much better and I do feel like being part of this community has helped quite a bit.  I won't let Fel control me any more and although I may never fix the issues with Error I will move on and grow and learn from this experience and never allow someone to take control of my life the way she did.  Overall I don't regret joining that roleplay group.  I made three characters that I love dearly, one of which has become a tulpa, and met a group of wonderful and supportive people that I relate to so much.  Fel was the bad apple that brought all of us together and although it was traumatic and full of drama in the end it brought all of us together and Fel will never break us apart ever again.
(This post was last modified: 04-15-2019, 02:57 PM by RustHeart.)
04-14-2019, 10:25 PM
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Angry Bear Offline
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#2
 
RE: Tons of Kinda Tulpas and Tons of Drama (Rant?)

Apparently this is more common than I knew a month ago. There are a lot of systems affected and the classic definition of soulbond comes from this.

The short of it is, yeah some tulpas aren't very active at all, if you want to call them something else, go ahead, that's a system decision. In my own system I have similar questions. We are sorting that currently.

Just because you have other characters that fit this definition:

Tewi 08-31-2016, 02:38 PM Wrote:We define tulpas as apparently-sentient thoughtforms with autonomous traits, generally. Apparently meaning "seeming real or true, but not necessarily so." A tulpa entirely controlled by their host with no autonomous traits is not a tulpa. We personally consider tulpas who have at least some autonomous traits, but otherwise are willingly controlled by or blend with their host, still eligible to be called a tulpa. It's not fair to say they have to not do that or else they aren't a tulpa. But without some form of autonomy, they just aren't a tulpa. Apparently-sentient means they simply seem like a person to the host really, nothing special. It does not require full belief in tulpa independence, only effective independence (ie a host may believe they're subconsciously controlling what their tulpa does but choose to see them as a separate person anyway).

Doesn't mean they have to be tulpas/soulbonds (interchangeably said for the sake of argument)

It also doesn't mean if you accept them it somehow makes your current tulpa less special, or itonically them less special. They are what they are ultimately. If you feel they are independent and autonomous, or even semi, it's fine. It's a system decision to name them whatever you feel is appropriate.

If they are separate people (they don't necessarily have to be according to this definition) they deserve basic respect. If you call them tulpas, they should be treated as tulpas. This doesn't mean you have to destroy yourself trying to split demands across half a dozen people. For some tulpas, it's just in their nature not to bevery active.

Don't worry too much about it, really. It's your head, your rules.

There are people who will think all kinds of nasty things if you have inactive tulpas, but that's between you and your tulpas only. It rude and unfair of them to make assumptions about your system.

Good luck.

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04-14-2019, 10:58 PM
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Ranger Offline
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#3
 
RE: Tons of Kinda Tulpas and Tons of Drama (Rant?)

I'm sorry that happened to you guys, and I can see how that was damaging and painful for you guys.

The Grays (our system's other thoughtforms, who are supposed to be clones of Gray, Cat's (my host) wonderland form) never had to deal with relationships outside of the system before with a couple of minor exceptions. When Cat roleplays as the Grays, she imitates the Grays rather than relaying the Gray's experience of the roleplay and their reactions (she roleplayed with her brother, a singlet, and she had other characters she roleplayed as for the story).

However, in wonderland, Cat and later I will occasionally speak to the Grays roughly once a month or once every two weeks (right now it's more often than that since we are revisiting the topic and thinking about them more often). In the past, Cat will let the Grays run loose and watch them interact with each other where that happens less often now. The Grays would essentially put on almost a show- only at the time, Cat wasn't quite aware of the stakes. Cat kind of believed that Dark Gray could take over, but also didn't.

Especially in the past, the Grays staged their own drama. It started with Dark Gray trying to take over the mindscape with the goal to essentially replace Gray as host, however that never ended well for him and grew exceedingly difficult as the number of Grays and Technicians (other characters) increased. Once Cat had more and more issues with her anxiety, the newer Grays became darker and would threaten, bully, or abuse her. This snowballed and in a matter of no time, Cat/Gray became abusive towards himself.

As a result, most of the Grays have had something bad happen to them because Cat thought they were all imaginary and didn't matter, or Cat was consumed by anxiety and depression at the time. Cat, and now I, would like to figure out the best way to treat them moving forward. As a Tulpa, I am not excited about the idea of sharing my fronting time and such, but I sympathize with them because I have seen them like family in a way. Cat is trying to figure out how to pay back for all that time she was either ignorant or lashing out at them.

As for what the Grays are- we still don't know. It's an ongoing debate and our position on this issue changes a lot, sometimes dramatically. If you are interested, you may want to check out these threads:

Cat's thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-what...ybe-tulpas

Bear's thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-what...houghtform

I'm Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I like Hippos! I also like forum games, word puzzles, and chatting about stuff.
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04-15-2019, 02:48 PM
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