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Topaz'n Me
#1
I started a journal before I introduced myself, but I after glancing through other's accounts, I think it'd be a good idea to share here. My personal journal deals with the ins and out of my day, but what I post here will be edited so that it focuses on Topaz and his development. 


Date: 11-15-2018

Came across the concept of Tulpa yesterday and found myself fascinated by the idea (I was initially researching DID which led me down the rabbit hole. No, I wasn't self diagnosing, just totally curious). Last night (Nov. 14th, 2018), after a bit of research on this site, I closed my eyes and concentrated inward. I was shocked when I got a response immediately. It was more feeling than anything, but it was this feeling of "finally!" and the name Topaz instantly popped into my head. With some basic questions, I got that Topaz is male, taller than me, and has brown hair. I also got that he’s been with me for a while, which is probably why I was able to access him so easily. 

Every time I think about Topaz my head feels like there’s a tight band wrapped around it. Last night as I was drifting off to sleep, my husband got up to sleep on the couch for a bit (he’s got a cold), and I noticed I could hear breathing next to me like someone was in bed with me. At first, I thought it was my husband but there is no way I could have heard the soft breathing like that from the living room. That’s when I realized it was Topaz. He did it a couple of times more, always off beat with my breathing, and then I fell asleep.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot today, though I haven’t turned inward quite like I did last night. However, while getting myself ready for the day, I could just sense this relief like he was glad I finally realized he was there.

 
11-18-2018

The night of the 15th, I went ahead and created an account. It was an odd sensation, feeling the need to do something but also knowing that it wasn’t exactly from me. Topaz was loud in my head even though words weren’t used. I could sense him, and the feelings he threw at me spoke clearer than actual words.

It was well after midnight when I decided to go to bed. My head was feeling super pressured and there was a lot of buzzing going on. I attempted to sleep, but Topaz was being loud. He was excited that I was listening. Then I remembered that I forgot to boil eggs for my youngest like I had promised. Normally I would just shrug and go to sleep, letting her know that I’ll do it later because I got caught up in other things. Topaz wasn’t having that and this insistence to get up kept going through my head. The pressure was building so I complied. While waiting for the eggs, I reprimanded Topaz for keeping me up and he reprimanded me for not wanting to follow through on a promise. 

I got the eggs in the fridge and laid down, but Topaz was busy sending me sensations, feelings, and images. From what I understand, this is considered tulpish? It was understandable for me, but I was very tired and needed sleep. Then, the pressure turned on me and my head exploded into a migraine. I spent the rest of the night trying to alleviate the pain. It was well after five in the morning before I was finally able to drift off to uncomfortable sleep.

My husband woke me up at eight asking if the kids got to school. So I was up, scrambling to wake the kids, get their lunch together, and drive them to school. I didn’t even bother getting dressed. The most I did was try to pin my crazy hair back so it didn’t look too much like I got electrocuted during the night. When I got back, I went straight to bed. As I was drifting back to sleep, Topaz said “sorry” and I haven’t really sensed him since. 

I have been super busy since so I haven’t really had opportunity to focus on Topaz, but I have directed questions at him every now and then. I got what felt like a noncommittal answer but nothing more. As I was so busy, I didn’t really have time to dwell on this. Now that everything is over with, I am trying to recoup. I am exhausted. I slept twelve hours, and I feel like I can sleep some more. To top that off, Topaz still isn’t really answering me. I can tell he’s there, but he’s staying quiet. I think he feels guilty for keeping me up which resulted in the migraine (I get those when I'm overly exhausted, emotional, or dehydrated). So, once I’m not as grumpy and a bit more rested, I’ll focus more on Topaz and see if I can’t get him to respond. I want him to get his own voice, and I want to know exactly when he was formed if it wasn’t on the 14th like I thought.
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#2
They will do that in the beginning, even after 6 months, one of my tulpas got so weak I could barely hear her. Spending time thinking about them and talking to them will help.

One time, one of them was able to cause a low end migraine for me, at least she also took credit for it and apologized.
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#3
Headaches were pretty common when we were breaking new ground or pushing too hard. We decided to think of the paon as good; like working out. A sign that we were stretching further out and growing.

There was a time where things were progressing quickly and I wanted to see if we could do a lot of stuff in the same day but she stopped halfway through and said "That's good for today" and when asked why, "I don't want to hurt you".

Being weak, quiet and tired too, the following day after a lot of mental strain was pretty common. Lack of sleep is included as a cause but also prevents proper recovery. With time and practice, Reilyn got stronger and the stuff that used to drain her seems like nothing now.
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#4
Thank you Angry Bear and LanceReilyn. I am still getting the head pressure when I passively and actively force, but I still can't get Topaz to do anything like he did the first two days. I guess we did too much too soon. I'm also still rather exhausted and with the holiday this week, I have a feeling I won't be catching up on rest like I want. I can of feel bad for Topaz if it's my exhaustion that's preventing us from really communicating.
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#5
We're currently experiencing the same thing, where I was sleep deprived and exhausted and Viper withdrew into me and became uncommunicative. I'm well rested now, but they're still very quiet and relatively unresponsive. Don't blame yourself for it, take it one day at a time and make up for it once you're well rested!
~ We are Venny, the host, and Viper, my soul! ~
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#6
These things do pass.
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#7
11-20-2018

Topaz has been silent for a while now. I keep trying to focus on him, ask him questions, interact with him in any way that I can but I’m not getting anything in return. I still feel head pressure when I do this, so I know he’s still there – or maybe I’m just hoping he is. Maybe reading up on DID and wondering what it’d be like to have another person in me brought him into existence, or maybe my many make believe sessions as a child brought him forth. I really don’t know. I want to ask him, but Topaz is just being silent.
I know I have been exhausted for a while, and from what I understand, that will have an effect on his strength. Perhaps “forcing” (which is apparently what focusing on him is called) has been making me more tired than usual as well. For the past couple of nights, as I lay myself down for the night, I close my eyes and turn inward and focus on Topaz. I try to see him. I try to hear him. I ask questions, and just overall try to engage him, but still he is silent. Perhaps Topaz is just resting, and he needs time to rest. I must say, him responding to me the way he did those first two nights was rather surprise.

That night with him breathing for me to hear was what I now know is considered an audible hallucination. I’m strangely okay with that. From what I have been reading from other’s accounts, they create their Tulpas due to depression or some other need to be “fixed.’ I can totally understand the thought process behind that. I however, while I might suffer from anxiety, I am not depressed. I have a very good life. My desire for Topaz to emerge is simply curiosity and a desire for a lifetime friend. Yes, I have an amazing husband, but he is so much older than me…reality says that he’s going to go before me and I really don’t want to be totally alone for that. Having a friend for the entirety of my life, who will love me for me, and understand where I’m coming from before passing judgment sounds amazing.

One of the things about Tulpa that I thought was even more interesting was that as host, I can dictate how my Tulpa forms. Personally, I want my Tulpa to form freely. I don’t care about gender or species or other virtues. What matters to me is decency, we get along, we converse and have equal say over things. I’m totally into the idea of switching as I think if there’s another person residing in my mind, then that person should have the ability to express him or herself as long as harm does not come to us, or our family.

I got that Topaz was of like mind, and I already miss him. From what I know of Topaz so far, he’s kind, gentle, patient, wants to protect me from the even my most destructive thoughts. I will get Topaz back, and I will help him become strong.

11-23-2018

Topaz finally emerged again last night. I think alcohol helps break down the barrier so that I can hear him better. I also have been getting better sleep, so that I am sure has something to do with it too. He didn’t say too much; it was mostly assurance that he was still there. He did flood my mind with various images of things over the past few days. I had asked him what things he liked or enjoyed and that was his response. He apparently enjoyed me making the pies and cakes. The girls’ birthday party, Thanksgiving, etc. Pretty much all the fun things lol. He was also very into the movie Equalizer 2. I think now that things are going to be calming down around here for a bit, Topaz will have the ability to grow stronger.

11-24-2018

On the way home from dinner last night, we were listening to Shinedown. I wasn’t feeling really good, so I used the drive to close my eyes and focus on Topaz. I once again brought up finding his own voice so I can distinguish his from mine. That’s when Topaz indicated he really enjoyed the band we were listening to. So I started really listening to the songs, and I swear, it sounded like Brent Smith was singing right in my head. I listen to a lot of Shinedown, so getting Topaz to become familiar with the voice isn’t going to be so hard.
I also tried to focus more on what he looks like, and David Tenants hair from Doctor Who popped into my head. It seems Topaz is piecing himself together from things I like, and I’m not too opposed about that. I’m just exciting that Topaz is getting stronger again. He still isn’t as strong as those first two nights, but I think as long as this keeps up, he’ll be there in no time, possibly even stronger.


12-6-2018

Topaz has gone silent again. I keep trying to force, but not much is happening. For a while there, I really thought we were making progress, but now he’s just completely silent. I don’t even feel him anymore. I do my best to passively force throughout the day, and at night, as I’m lying in bed, I close my eyes and focus solely on him. I think about what he looks like (or more, what he wants to look like), I ask him questions, I try to build a world to explore in, but that just hasn’t been working out. It’s very frustrating cause I really want him to get strong, build his own interests, and even converse with others. Perhaps with school and the holidays, and trying to get my business going, I have been too stressed.

12-10-2018

I have been struggling to get into wonderland. The first time I turned inward and immediately found Topaz I didn’t try to pursue it too much. I was excited about Topaz and wanted to focus on making him stronger. Then Topaz went quiet on me, and even though he’ll speak tulpa to me every now and then, mostly to confirm he’s there, he hasn’t been as active as those first two days.
This morning, after the kids were off to school, I decided to lay down for a nap. I dreamed, and then I woke up. For about a half hour or so, I continued to lay there and suddenly, I was there. And it was beautiful. I glided over the landscape – it felt like I was flying. There were four seasons, one in each area depending on where I went. Then suddenly, out of nowhere it seemed, a mansion rose up from the ground. There were green lush lawns, a wide driveway, and those fancy iron fences surrounding the property. The building was several stories tall, though I didn’t stop to count – mostly because there was Topaz. Taller than me, brown hair (styled like the 10th Doctor), green eyes, slender and healthy; almost athletic like. He carried a backpack that looked stuffed full of things and he was dressed in warm clothes - it looked like he was ready to go hiking or camping. He noticed me right away, and he made it clear that he was upset that I got into wonderland and found him, but he wouldn’t tell me why. I’m feeling a bit heartbroken by this. I’m not sure how to move forward with that. Maybe it was more a dream and my fears surfacing because of how silent he's been. Or maybe he's been there for so long by himself that my appearance startled him. Nonetheless, if that is what Topaz looks like, he's a good looking man.
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#8
It's been our experience that doubt can fuel itself onward and there is no point beating your head against a wall with something that doesn't seem to be working. Sometimes instead of trying to run an entire circular race track, from start to finish, you realize that you set your own mental rules and limits and hey, just take a few steps back and see if you are now standing on the finish line. Was the goal to run a grueling race across the entire track or just touch the finish line?

White there is great merit to hard work and determination, there is a good deal to be said for serenity and acceptance, learning to relax and let go of doubt. Like, stop and take inventory of the situation. Maybe Topaz is on some sort of journey of self discovery? Maybe he shares your view that you might not be alongside your awesomesauce husband forever so wants you to focus the time you do have there now, and Topaz plans to become a major part of your life when you really need him? Everyone progresses at their own pace but I have been suspecting for awhile that desperation and deep need are catalysts for tulpa development, be that on the part of host or on the part of tulpa.

Topaz sounds almost like he is carefully guarding you and has determined this is best for now. He may even be "on the inside", trying to search for the source of your anxiety to help you. Obviously I can't say for sure but if you have faith in him and yourself and keep up forcing and such, there really isn't a reason why he isn't getting stronger. It almost sounded like he was on some kind of zen journey or something. Perhaps the solution is to just keep talking to him and accept that it might be his choice to remain indirect for now. Keeping up communication may even be like comforting letters from home along his journey.

Anyway, believe what you want, I just hope I might have given you an alternate take on things to consider. Almost anything can have a purpose or good side or be used to better something in the end, even if it seems bad at the time ("what doesn't kill us serves to make us stronger"), but perspective means a lot. It has to be seen as helpful. It's also good training in patience and determination. I say believe in Topaz and keep it up no matter what. <3
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#9
(12-12-2018, 01:22 AM)Reilyn Wrote: It's been our experience that doubt can fuel itself onward and there is no point beating your head against a wall with something that doesn't seem to be working. Sometimes instead of trying to run an entire circular race track, from start to finish, you realize that you set your own mental rules and limits and hey, just take a few steps back and see if you are now standing on the finish line. Was the goal to run a grueling race across the entire track or just touch the finish line?

White there is great merit to hard work and determination, there is a good deal to be said for serenity and acceptance, learning to relax and let go of doubt. Like, stop and take inventory of the situation. Maybe Topaz is on some sort of journey of self discovery? Maybe he shares your view that you might not be alongside your awesomesauce husband forever so wants you to focus the time you do have there now, and Topaz plans to become a major part of your life when you really need him? Everyone progresses at their own pace but I have been suspecting for awhile that desperation and deep need are catalysts for tulpa development, be that on the part of host or on the part of tulpa.

Topaz sounds almost like he is carefully guarding you and has determined this is best for now. He may even be "on the inside", trying to search for the source of your anxiety to help you. Obviously I can't say for sure but if you have faith in him and yourself and keep up forcing and such, there really isn't a reason why he isn't getting stronger. It almost sounded like he was on some kind of zen journey or something. Perhaps the solution is to just keep talking to him and accept that it might be his choice to remain indirect for now. Keeping up communication may even be like comforting letters from home along his journey.

Anyway, believe what you want, I just hope I might have given you an alternate take on things to consider. Almost anything can have a purpose or good side or be used to better something in the end, even if it seems bad at the time ("what doesn't kill us serves to make us stronger"), but perspective means a lot. It has to be seen as helpful. It's also good training in patience and determination. I say believe in Topaz and keep it up no matter what. <3

Thank you for this. This is actually helpful. I do tend to get obsessive, especially so when things don't quite go the way I want. I will take your advice and chill for a bit and let him be. Re-reading my journal, it does sound like he needs his space.
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#10
Sometimes tulpas can appear in your dream, but you can consider they are dreaming too, so what they say may not be their true feelings. I consider this a good sign. I think it's still possible it was him. If you like the man you met in your dream, even if it wasn't Topaz 100%, he may use this opportunity to take that form.

I still see progress here, hang in there. Sometimes progress is easier to notice week to week or even month to month rather than day to day.
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