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Tupper-induced depression?
#1
Been "working" if I can even use the term, on this stuff for a pretty good while. Although, I seem to spend most of my time stressing and complaining rather than actually getting anything done. Idunno, at any rate..

Any time I decide "Screw it! I'm gonna sit down, and have a really productive session for once!" I get pumped up, start narrating or whatever and then I just feel this pit of absolute despair in my chest. And then I don't. Tried taking a break from even worrying about it like.. Twelve days ago, but then I just started getting stressed out about taking time off, so idunno. Wanting to start back up with a spring in my step, but everything about this just makes me feel horrible, and then I just wallow in self-loathing for a while, then fall asleep and repeat next time I decide to try :l

Anybody ever been through this? I I've tried convincing myself to give up, but I can't, and at the same time, I can't bring myself to just keep working. It doesn't feel very good.

Blegh, advice anyone? I've gotten some from a few people, but idunno, it'd help if there were someone I could really relate to.
If you only knew what all this cost - What she gave up, just to save her art

What is fashion, fashion without love? Like an odradek, a spool without purpose
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#2
As someone who suffers from clinical depression I can relate. I'm sure my words won't necessarily apply to you although I'll share them anyway just in case I may help somehow.

Depression sometimes attacked me during, before, after ect. Forcing but I found out lately that the best way to cope for me is to accept this sadness and use it to put your mind into a sort of desperate frenzy. Now that may sound crazy but it's worked for me. Instead of feeling depressed I turn it into a deliberately powerful depression focused on being with my tulpa, so even though I feel miserable I'm still giving her vast amounts of attention and love. I actually find the results of these kind of sessions fairly productive all things considered.

It may be reducing yourself to whining constantly to your tulpa 'Why can't we be together yet?' 'I need you, please...' And you may feel ashamed of doing so or embarrassed of sharing that side of you with your tulpa, but you have depression and that won't go away. Your tulpa is attached to someone with depression, and they will understand with you and work with you as best as they can. I actually felt much closer to mine after doing this as beforehand I locked these emotions away and never showed her how I felt.

It helps even if you wallow in self-loathing as long as you include your tulpa. Remember, they will never be influenced by your mental problems and emotions besides love, I believe. Although we all know here that Tulpa arent just multiple personality disorder, I think we have something to learn from them. Most people who have D.I.D. switch personalities to cope, meaning that fundamentally your mind switches to another personality with its own feelings and thoughts that isn't brought down by your mental problems. No matter what kind of personality you gave your tulpa, at their heart they are understanding of you and only ever want one thing, your happiness above all else. They may have differing thoughts as to how you would be happiest, but they will always look for your best interest in their own ways. Your sadness with them won't change them, same with anger or any other negative feeling. I find that it helps coping with depression in general to accept that you have depression and that by accepting your weakness you grow stronger as a person, even if it doesn't go away.

I can't promise you the same, but I know many, many people report that illnesses like depression, bi-polar disorder and even schizophrenia have been made much easier to cope with if you have a tulpa. This was one of my biggest reasons for starting, having an eternal loving companion who counters all of my mental problems and keeps me being productive sounded like something I couldn't pass up. I'm almost three months in and... I really do feel a difference, I'm not alone. My depression is made much easier to cope with apby talking to my tulpa and she guides me away from negative thoughts and feelings. I don't want to say its what I make her do, but she understands that it was a large part of the intent behind her initial creation and therefore she treats it instinctively like her job. I never pretended otherwise though, I was very upfront with my intentions on the outset.

I will admit though that it's only been relatively recently where my bond with my tulpa has grown deep and very close, we had some rough times but now that I feel closer and closer to her every day of my life, I know so much that I love her and my tulpa loves me, so none of my problems really matter in the end since I'm not alone and I never will be.

I'm sorry, I had no idea this would turn out to be so long and as sappy as it did, but it's the honest to god truth for me and I hope I can help you in whatever way I can. I'll be here if you want to talk, and my tulpa offers to talk and answer anything through proxy if you'd like to hear any of her thoughts on living with a host with depression.
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#3
I also went through clinical depression, as I'm sure we've talked about in the past.

For me, the appeal of tulpas has always been to create my own reality. I'm all about imposition. I want to be able to stand atop a Mediterranean cliff, looking out over the ocean, pleasant music playing, and a cool breeze blowing -- when I'm waiting in a long line in a crowded DMV on a sweltering hot day. I want to make asparagus taste like candy, and I want to take photographs with my mind.

You're different though, aren't you, Enny? What are you hoping to get out of this practice?
"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson
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#4
I appreciate the reply, and I'm jealous of yours only taking three months. I've actually kinda recently started over on account of complete silence after over a year on the first Tupper. That being said though, I did complain and whine to her a bit, but I've never really thought to make sport of it. So to speak, anyway.

I normally do stuff later at night. If once I get started, I start feeling awful, I'll try just unloading everything, I guess. Time spent with Tupper is time spent with Tupper, I suppose. Even if it will probably make me feel weird.

Thanks again.

EDIT: Damn Ninja posting me, Shui.

By practice, do you mean Tuppermancy in general? Well, when I started, having a companion, along with visuals were my concern. The idea was so fantastic. Of course, I quickly found visuals are on-par with standardized Algebra testing, and left it simply at "Someone to be there when I'm down, talk to when I'm bored, and above all else, to cuddle"

Now all I'm after is just being finished. Hell, just making progress. Anything so that I don't have to bother with this damn creation process anymore. Aside from quitting, that is.
If you only knew what all this cost - What she gave up, just to save her art

What is fashion, fashion without love? Like an odradek, a spool without purpose
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#5
You get used to lowering yourself like that when you realize they're the only ones who will not only put up with it but actually look forward to helping you through it. It is kinda rough breaking down the first few times though. I felt a lot of guilt towards pushing all that stuff on her but she beat it into me pretty quickly that I needed to shut the fuck up and let her help me. It's really just about letting your state of mind change. Admittedly not easy for the depressed, but doable. Don't worry about it, I'm around if you need help,
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#6
From what i've read, the things king has said have made a lot of sense. I created Alice 2 years ago, but do to my depression i haven't ever been able to just stick with it.

The first time i had to stop for a while, i put Alice in stasis. The next couple times i didn't, i just tried to think of her everyday. When i thought about how she must feel, to make so much progress and then for me to just stop, i felt horrible. The guilt of it made me cry more than once. I would look through my old progress report and just fall deeper and eeerp into depression.

when i would start forcing again i was always scared Alice would hate me, or yell at me, or something like that; but she never did. eventually i asked her about it, and though her words weren't strong, the images she sent me were clear. she didn't care that i had stopped. She didn't resent me for my actions, she didn't hate me. She only cared about my happiness and understood that i was trying to do what i could, even if it wasn't much. I cried so much that day, i still have trouble understanding how someone can have that much unconditional love.

It's taken some work, but i mostly don't stress about how hard i'm working with her. i've, mostly, accepted that she's happy with whatever i can manage. I used to feel unworthy of her love, but she doesn't like it when i start talking like that. I haven't poured out my sadness for her to see as king suggested, but perhaps i will start doing that as well when i feel like pulling away from her and our progress. I feel better knowing i'm not the only one who struggles because of depression.
"The way is in training."
- Miyamoto Musashi
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#7
Yeah, I know you've had lots of trouble with sentience and vocality and all of that. I feel like you might get more measurable progress working with visualization first. Maybe not necessarily visualization of your tulpa initially, but you could start with visualization of shapes and work your way up. But if you're not interested in doing visualization, I don't know.
"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson
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#8
I appreciate all of the replies.

And ugh, I've just given up on visuals at this point. It's just so hard to maintain them, and create them.. A voice would be fine enough. I'm sure it'd be easier to visualize her form if I had something I could tie it to like a voice first, as well. So eh..

I just can't even imagine visuals getting better. I'd done some decent visuals for a while, sometime back, and I couldn't tell that they were getting better. If it takes like, more than a few weeks to show improvement, I'd rather not.. I can do without them :l

I'm just gonna go Manga's route and complain a bunch, or something. I'm sure I could do that for forty minutes a night.
If you only knew what all this cost - What she gave up, just to save her art

What is fashion, fashion without love? Like an odradek, a spool without purpose
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#9
If it helps you, I'm also pretty bad at visualization despite ironically being an artist and have been finding a way around it for myself. Are you familiar with phantom limb/phantom pain? The sensation that amputees get when they still feel their missing piece despite not having it anymore. It's thanks to the sense we have (they were lying when they said just five senses) that tells us where everything in our body is. I've been experimenting with the concept with tulpa to some really positive results.

It's basically tricking yourself into feeling a second body near you. Petty much everyone with a fully imposed tulpa says they can sense where theirs is relative to their body so I'm pretty sure that this has something to do with the phantom limb sensation. Just as you can feel, taste, smell or hear something that isn't there so too can you 'sense' a limb that isn't there like an amputee. The difference is they feel what they lost, but you will have to train yourself to feel what you're recreating.

Basically, I think the more the brain realizes there's a body infront of you that you feel the more it will realistically render that body on its own. I've been doing this for a few days now and have experienced a much, much greater improvement in seeing my tulpa when I think of her. She herself notices the difference since it leaves it partially up to ner to render herself, which she lokes. If this keeps up I'm really hoping this technique can be used to help the less visually inclined hosts like us. I don't even use a wonderland, tried at first but it made everything too complicated in my mind.
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#10
Well that's nice, I guess.

Figured I should mention though, I think I'm gonna try Fede's method out. So that means parroting, I guess. Sigh.

Didn't really wanna resort to it, but the way he speaks of it doesn't make it seem so bad. He's gonna run me through it a bit more thoroughly I hope, and then I'm starting on that. So woo. If I ever feel like it's going meh, I'll go back to narrating, and I guess bothering Tupper with all of my issues. As it stands, I hope /something/ works out.
If you only knew what all this cost - What she gave up, just to save her art

What is fashion, fashion without love? Like an odradek, a spool without purpose
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