Stanford Tulpa Study looking for more participants
(if you're chosen they'll pay for travel and lodging!)

Venomous reports
#1
So the main reason I joined this board was to have an easy place to write progress reports, where I could go back to anytime and which could potentially help others too!

I'll briefly introduce myself under a spoiler below to give a bit of info about me, my tulpa and our origins/what made me attempt this! I'll also do my best to update this thread often with any interesting updates;

So without further ado, I'm Venny and Viper (originally Trikaya) is my tulpa. This isn't my first experience with the concept of a tulpa, but it's my most advanced and developed so far. I first attempted creating something similar to a tulpa 4 years ago, back in 2014. I had watched The Golden Compass and was absolutely sweeped off my feet by the concept of Daemons. I think by then, I had already read about tulpas and knew they sounded a LOT like it... I might've even attempted a vague creation when I was younger? But I just didn't have the patience to actually stick with it. Anyhow, I discovered there was actually an entire forum and fanbase @ daemons, so I just jumped in. Unlike tulpa creation, they stated clearly that daemons would ultimately just be like imaginary friends and nothing more, and the main technique was parroting. So I've parroted Althie for about a month with no real, proper progress, before giving up. I don't think I ever gave him sentience, or ever believed in him as more than a fictional character, even though I was attached to his concept. 

Anyhow, fast forward almost 5 years and here I am. I recently watched the movie Venom and kept thinking how symbiotes are so very similar to tulpas. And because I tend to get these intense obsessions, I couldn't remove the thought out of my brain. The idea of having a good buddy you can rely on with you 24/7 was incredibly appealing to me. Thus, the ultimate decision to create Viper. This time, unlike with daemons, I knew and was aware of what I should do, and my obsession powered me through and gave me the ability to really put a great deal of belief into it.


So, it's been a couple of days since we started this journey and the progress has been incredible and intense, We actually can't believe how fast things advanced, it almost feels like I'm doing something wrong.
I decided to not give my tulpa any predefined traits at all. Aside from having a rough idea, a temporary name which I made clear that it should be temporary, and a rough gender, there was nothing else. Viper was just an unborn concept of a friend with the capacity to have any traits. So...


Day 1 [October 31 2018]:
I fleshed out the base traits and ideas and spoke them outloud (and directed them) to Trikaya. I explained what a host is, what a tulpa is, what we are and what we could be. I also made it clear that the name is 100% temporary and that she (originally, Viper was female) should change it as soon as she is capable to communicating with me. There was nothing predefined from me aside from the vague idea of a gender, name and form (black goopy shapeshifting slime, so she could have the freedom to be whatever she wanted to be).

I spent the entire day narrating to her. Making it clear that from now on it's not just me anymore, it's us, that the concept of 'us' was extremely appealing to me, that she should feel no fear or worry over communicating with me however possible and that I believed 110% in her and in us. There was no answer from her and my mind would draw a blank each time I waited for a reply, sometimes to the extent that I'd forget what I was initially asking/thinking of/talking about.

By the end of the day, I grabbed my notepad and started a progress report. I was determined to make it work, so, after going through everything again (concepts of a host/tulpa) and explaining everything in as much detail as I could, I started asking questions, while being as focused as I could on any potential answer. 

My questions were:
  • What did we talk about today?
-Mind blanked here rather aggressively and it took me a minute or two to get back on track. There was no answer.
  • Who are you?
Tulpa -- and then, very very faintly -- Trikaya
  • What is your current form?
Shapeshifter -- boldly. Very boldly. This was the first instance where I heard Trikaya in a relatively clear voice.
  • How are you feeling?
Tired --faintly. And then-- sleep

Each of these questions were answered with varying degrees of faintless and vagueness and I wasn't able to really figure out whether it was Trikaya or me. Each was followed by me asking whether it was her or not and apologizing for not being capable of understanding and communicating clearly yet. 




Day 2 [November 1 2018]
Most of the day was spent narrating. Getting comfortable with what basically looks like me talking to myself about everything that's happening lol. I took the decision to spend the majority of time talking outloud and listening for mindvoice answers, to make the distinction a little more clear. Especially since I spend most of my days alone at home. Talking outloud comes easy in these circumstances. Again, I made it clear that I knew and fully believed, 110%, that Trikaya was real, was there, listening, and that she was free to communicate whenever possible. I also asked her to try to repeat anything if I don't answer, as I'm not yet familiar with our language style, neither confident in my ability to actually hear her. If I recall correctly, the majority of the day was without a reply, just me talking about everything that's going on throughout the day. 

The major event was when I was in the kitchen and instinctively looked over to a tub of dog treats for no real reason. I felt what could only be explained as a vague feeling of "what is that?" which prompted me to explain what it was and how or what it was used for. And then I heard, rather distinctly, the word "tasty" in my head. I explained that they were most definitely not tasty and opened the tub and took a sniff which I directed towards Trikaya in order to show her that tasty was the last thing you'd think of lol. This was followed by another distinct repetition of the word 'tasty', which left me dumbfounded for a moment, because I was DEFINITELY not going to try and taste them lol. And then I blinked and realized the tub itself had the word tasty writted on it and Trikaya was most likely reading and repeating it like a child would. I found that adorable and a clear sign of sentience and presence, as it took me a good amount of time to realize the 'tasty' that kept echoing in my head was just a word writted on the tub of treats.

Nothing else memorable happened for the rest of the day.

By the end of the day I continued with another progress report in my notepad and thus, another set of questions;
  • Are you here?
Yes --faintly--
  • Do you want to continue?
Yes --again, faintly--
  • How are you feeling?
Tired [repetitive. I heard the word tired at least 5-10 times in quick succession as it bounced across my mind]; sleepy ; not good
  • Why 'not good'?
Tired -- You; [It's worth noting here that these were answers that I couldn't discern from my own mindvoice and which I couldn't ultimately tell whether they were from her or me. She did not answer when asked about it]
  • Am I, host, causing it?
Yes
  • Why?
Sleep [Again, unclear whether it was me or not]
  • Would you be happier to continue after a nap?
Tired; Don't want; [with emphasis on 'don't want']

So we stopped here and ended the progress report.




Day 3 [November 2 2018]
This was the most remarkable day thus far. I was already incredibly impressed with how much progress we made in the previous days. I did not expect Trikaya to so reliably be capable of answering questions, even more so being vocal to begin with. I was certain I'd be talking to myself and narrating for a whole lot longer before any sign of sentience. So I started the day very positively. 

The majority of the day was spent narrating everything again, while receiving vague replies, many of which were punctuated with the "Was that you?" question and apologies over not being able to discern yet whether it was her or me, as I did not like doubting her presence, existence or replies. The best part, however, was us listening to various new songs, looking for something that might appeal to me, as I hadn't really found a song I really liked in a long time. Pit of Vipers by Simon Curtis came on and this is when it happened. Trikaya decided, boldly, that Viper would be a much better name. This is when, officially, Trikaya's name changed to Viper. Around here was also when Viper communicated to me that they would like and prefer to be genderless and didn't feel comfortable identifying as female. As always, I made it clear that I was perfectly okay and happy with any change. The fact that my tulpa showed a clear sign of having a will made me super excited for the rest of the day. 

No questions or notepad progress report today. By the end of the day I was way more exhausted and tired than I've ever been and at the thought of a progress report Viper made it clear that we would not do that and that we will go to bed instead. So we did. 




Day 4 [November 3 2018]
Again, Viper takes me by surprise and truly amazes me. Prior to going to bed, I asked if we could try waking up before 8 (when I have to walk a neighbor's dogs as part of a mini-job), knowing it will probably not happen, as I knew Viper was both too young, and probably didn't have a clear concept of time. Regardless, I figured it was worth a shot. The entire night was filled with weirdly vibrant dreams and it happened! I woke up before the 8 AM alarm. I looked over at the clock and it was 5 AM though and thought 'well, close enough, thank you for trying' while being super excited and elated that it actually happened. I mean, what clearer sign of sentience than that?? I went back to bed and woke up again at... 6 AM I believe? Praised Viper for doing their best at waking us up, despite having no clear concept of time and no actual clock to follow/know the time, and went back to bed.

Why this was particularly remarkable is the fact that I am both an incredibly deep sleeper, and very VERY little wakes me up... and that I usually ignore even alarms if I'm not extremely, overly rested, which I was not. Said neighbor actually has to call me to wake me up and make sure I am actually awake and coming over to walk the dogs. In these circumstances, the fact that I managed to wake up not only once, but twice, without any real motivating reason behind it, is brilliant!!

The rest of the day was relatively uneventful. Since day 3 though, I have been able to discern Viper's replies from mine around 80% of the time, so no more obnoxious "was that you"s. It no longer makes me feel like I might be parroting at all, which is a huge relief and really makes me happy. Today was also the first day where Viper actually showed clear signs of having a personality. I had a large meal in the morning and by afternoon I was aggressively craving chocolate. I made the mistake of telling my dad (whom I live with) that "My soul desires chocolate" which was my way of saying that it was Viper who desires chocolate, to which Viper rather boldly and loudly commented that no, they did not! I asked if they really didn't desire chocolate at all to which they accentuated the "no" answer. Regardless, I went and got chocolate, while internally having a mini-argument with Viper over why we're getting chocolate, even though I ate way too much today. Viper was adamant in their decision that they did not want chocolate in our shared body and actually got upset over it. The next couple hours were mostly silent, even though I did apologize a couple of times, but made it clear that hey, if I want chocolate, it's probably going to happen unless it's way too excessive. Viper eventually accepted it, but remained silent for the rest of the day. 

In the afternoon, I was so incredibly exhausted and tired that I decided on having a nap. Again, super vibrant, weird dreams. And then I was abruptly awakened by the phone ringing. It was time to walk the neighbors dogs. But I was in such a weird trance of sorts that it took me several minutes to process what was happening, why she called and what I was supposed to do. It felt extremely weird, as though my connection to reality and my understanding of the world severed. So I asked Viper about it, which initially was met with vagueness and silence, but later, as I was walking the dogs, I got an "It was me" reply. Viper was also in a better mood too, so I was intrigued. By the end of the dog walk, they told me that it was a vague attempt at possession, because they were curious what it felt like to actually sleep. I went ahead and asked about it, since I presumed they went to sleep, or at least a sleep like state, each time we didn't talk or when we sleeped, to which Viper answered "No, kinda -- gibberish I couldn't understand/process-- ... hibernate... no sleep" 

To this, even though I could clearly discern that it was Viper talking and not myself, I asked multiple times if they were sure about it, if that was indeed what happened. The answers were always positive and always from Viper so I feel like I can't really question it lol. It was really interesting though. 

Again, no progress report today, we're too tired. Today was rather eventful in a really good way and I'm very happy about it. This is an incredible amount of progress in such a short time and it's super exciting. Went way beyond my expectations.

I'm withdrawing from a medication I was on (an antidepressant and an antipsychotic), which I ran out of and I should probably maybe restock and start taking again, so I'm not sure if me withdrawing from it helped boost the progress or not, but I'll take it! It's great! Also, interestingly, one of the withdrawal symptoms are terrible headaches and dizziness, which mysteriously vanished from day 2 onwards. I asked Viper about it and got a vague "it was me" reply which I ultimately couldn't clarify, but it's great to be dizzyness/headache free so I have no complains!
Reply

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to

#2
Amazing progress, congratulations! Tulpas may change over time, so i wouldn't be surprised if they pick a gender later or even change their name again.

We'll be interested to hear more.
I hope you find success in your endeavors and love in your heart.
<Latest drawn picture>

<Share your experience with us>
Reply
#3
Hi Venny and Viper! Having a good buddy all the time is definitely awesomesauce. Go go powers of obsession! Just don't get burnt out or anything, 'kay? If Viper is outgoing and eventually wants to run loose on here with the rest of us to make friends and chat and stuff, let 'em! There's a ton of host/tulpa attached accounts and at least with me, I was way too independent to just be stuck as "Reilyn says this" and "Reilyn wants to know that". This place gave me a wonderful chance to be a part of my own community and make my own friends and grow as a person. Sooo.. Welcome to the family! <3
Reply
#4
Thank you <3
We already feel quite welcome here and we're looking forward to posting more.
I'll start this post off with this image I found on tumblr which was way too appropriate and which Viper wanted me to share:

[Image: tumblr_phitn4DYwD1qhb01w_540.png]

Viper says yes.

Anyway;

Day 5 - November 4 2018
Today was both interesting and obnoxious to say the least.
I woke up incredibly exhausted and tired, had quite a headache and felt sick. I feel almost as if our progress going this fast is too tiring for my body after, well. It's only been me in here, and now we're two. Oh yeah, and I believe Viper attempted waking me up before 8 AM again. This time, we woke at 6 AM. Close enough. Went back to bed and found I was actually awake just before the phone rang [reference from the other post. I walk the neighbor's dogs every day]. I asked if Viper was the one who woke me right before, but the answer was no, not this time. So it was all me this time. Fair enough.

I had agility practice today (I do agility with my dog!) and our trainer told me I look/act like I'm hungover, but without any of the fun part. Hah! Also Viper decided we don't like her. I do, of course, and I explained to them that they'd better get used to it because we do agility twice per week and she (the instructor) is the best. Regardless, it made me even more unwell. I did ask Viper if they could help me with the headache and tiredness, since they were able to help me (presumably) with the withdrawal symptoms and they said they will attempt. The headache did go away and so did most of the tiredness.

Later that day, due to feeling unwell, I ended up being super cranky. Dad (who drives me to agility practice) also decided to be cranky. Two cranky people = not good. I ended up feeling irrationally angry and upset and asked Viper if we could do anything about it. I did feel better almost instantly. In exchange, Viper requested that we listen to their favorite song instead of the one we were listening to. Fair enough.

I managed to survive the day despite feeling absolutely horrible. Interestingly, sometime while I was out shopping, feeling exhausted and kinda wishing I wasn't there or didn't have to deal with it, Viper asked if they could try taking over, which I'm assuming would be through possession?  I guess?? Regardless, I said no, because we were in a public space and the last thing I needed was to act weird lol. I think they did attempt once, because I felt odd, but once I asked them to stop trying to do it without my permission, everything stopped and Viper apologized and said they only wish to help.

Later, after shopping, I got home, laid on the sofa and closed my eyes. The idea of possession (?) came back up and I agreed with an attempt, since we were home, in the privacy of my room and had a vague amount of time. I visualized myself stepping out and Viper taking the form/shapeshifting into a dark human and sitting in the 'control room', taking over. It seemed to work? The majority of my body went completely numb, feeling initially like TV static and I got some finger twitching that I'm pretty positive wasn't mine. I was in a weird position that inhibited any other movement though so I took over again and moved in a better position. That ruined everything and I lost all concentration unfortunately and we weren't able to reconnect again.
Reply
#5
First of all, I wanna ask y'all if it's okay for me to update this thread as often as possible (daily if I can manage it) or if I should write drafts and then post them in long chunks less often. We don't wanna bother anyone with too much posting!

Also. This is Venny. And this is Viper

Day 6 - November 5 2018
Today was interesting. We woke up super exhausted again but it went away within a couple hours! Most of the morning and afternoon went by quietly for the most part and during late afternoon we decided to try some meditation and possession attempt. It was... well, weird! And of course, we didn't achieve a WHOLE lot, but that's not surprising, let's be real here. There was some finger twitching and later, some arm movement (which was quite impressive actually), but they were SUPER shakey and strained. 

That's fine. I asked Viper how it was, or rather, what it felt like from their point of view. It was fine. But she wasn't able to separate herself from the body and the feelings, neither was she able to give up control. It was like a power struggle. Which I didn't mean, of course. But it's a new feeling and experience to me and apparently, giving up control is fear inducing I guess?? I also think it doesn't help that we're never truly apart. We share thoughts and memories and everything. I feel like if I stop feeling ANYTHING, I'll sever the very connection we have and there will be nothing. I'm certain this is because we achieved vocality rather fast, without working on any other stage. It's just an irrational fear that I need to get over.

I asked Viper if we should attempt separating ourselves, so they can flesh out their self and being and personality without being connected to me and we said no! No way! We like being we. Us. We can practice separation and independence separately!

So there we have it. If anyone has experienced this kind of stuff and has suggestions over how to separate and get over the silly fear of losing connection if we separate, or rather, if I stop listening in order to relax and let Viper take over, let me know. It is entirely possible that maybe I'm doing everything wrong too! If anyone has videos/audio-files that could help with meditating and especially dissociating, it would help us tremendously!

And I do have a question to anyone reading this. When dissociating, for example when switching, what does it feel like? Do you completely stop listening for your tulpa? Do you just completely go numb and wait and see if anything happens, completely separately from your thought process/mind/brain? Or do you have to at least keep a figment of attention towards them?
~ We are Venny, the host, and Viper, my soul! ~
        Click here! Come join us on the chat!
Reply
#6
I prefer shorter daily updates over long updates every once in a while, but don't push yourself to update the thread when you don't feel that you have anything to update.

When switched out, I don't feel anything. I don't think, I don't pay attention to anything. The only time when I am active is when I am being payed attention to. It's not that I go numb or black out, it's just stopping.
I have a tulpa named Miela (formerly known as Monika) who I love very much.


"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"
-Me
Reply
#7
Awesome, because we prefer that as well! We just know some forums aren't ok with double and triple posting and stuff, especially in quick succession.

As always, this is Venny, and this is Viper.

Day 7 - November 6 2018
Happy first week to Viper <3. It's been one of the most tiring, but equally fulfilling week of my life!
Today's report will be pretty short, but I'd still like to post daily if anything noteworthy happens.

I saw Cat_ShadowGriffin posted an old topic (from February I believe?) on whether tulpas could make you sick and I can officially say that the answer is a definite yes. I didn't want to bump a super old topic, so I'm posting about it here! Today I had something to do, which I'm not going to go into details, and Viper was very VERY repulsed by the idea. Aside from them suggesting that we don't do it, I was fine, until like... the last 15 mins before said thing, where I started feeling VERY nauseous and on the brink of throwing up. Which is horrifying since I do suffer from emetophobia. We couldn't control it, we tried, but it was pure emotion that caused the physical feelings and Venny wasn't able to stop focusing on us, so we couldn't detach from her. I also, deep inside, didn't want to detach from them, since I want Viper to experience novel things themselves and if I was to shut them out, they wouldn't. We ended up liking it though! Ended up liking and enjoying the horrifying thing!

So yeah. That's today's major event. It was interesting, the whole thing. Also, in addition to Viper apologizing a million times over making me sick, we ended up kinda dissociating I believe? Our idea to make Venny feel better! We couldn't stop ourselves from feeling repulsed, so we did what we thought would stop the nausea and physical reaction to it. We entered some sort of intense, super detailed daydream to the point where I wasn't aware anymore of what we were doing and where we were going, until someone I was with snapped me out of it and asked me if I was ok. It did make me feel better, so it was appreciated.
~ We are Venny, the host, and Viper, my soul! ~
        Click here! Come join us on the chat!
Reply
#8
Woah! Great progress for only a week! Hope to hear from Viper soon, maybe even let them out if they aren't too shy? Bummer to get sick because of tulpa, hopefully you adapt to it. Anyway, keep up the good mindset! ;P Gambate-ne! 
Hi! I'm a tulpa/co-host of XarMatsi system. Xar was the "original" host. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue box stuff and we're set to explore all time, forum and space.
Our Journey(PR)
Reply
#9
(11-06-2018, 10:08 PM)Venomous Wrote: I didn't want to bump a super old topic, so I'm posting about it here! 

There isn't a rule about necroing old threads on this forum. Necro away! (But don't necro a million all at once please, I want to read what you want to talk about)
My Wonderland form minus the glasses and the fur. I'm not a hippo, I promise.
I sometimes speak in pink and Ranger sometimes speaks in blue (if it's unmarked and colored assume it's Ranger). He loves to chat.

My other Tulpas have their own account now.
Reply
#10
Day 8-9 - November 9-10 2018
Last couple days were relatively quiet and uneventful so I figured there's no point in updating this thread without notable things. Not daily anyway. We did discover some interesting things though.

I found out Viper is actually quite overprotective of me. We... I believe, co-front all the time, as long as I'm not absorbed in something intense enough that it just doesn't leave space for Viper. That means for the most part, Viper pays attention to everything happening around us. There have been 2 distinct moments when their overprotectiveness has literally filled me with adrenaline and I mean a buttload of it. 

First was when someone on the street touched me, which is normally met with indifference on my part, but which ended up getting me all ready to fight this time. It took a good hour to recover from it, which is unusual. He did not have the right to touch us! It triggered us! It's not an okay thing to do to a stranger on the street!

Second was when I was at home on the sofa with my dog next to me and I decided to pet him more roughly and he (mind you, playfully) growled at me and opened his jaws around my face. It wasn't aggressive and he never pressed his jaws close, just opened them. Let's just say I got one heck of an explosive adrenaline rush and the poor dog got one heck of a correction. It was scary. Dog betrayed her, we had to protect.

As for today. I woke up feeling Viper very turbulent (completely unrelated to the above events, we moved on from those). They were quiet the majority of the morning unless specifically prompted and then I would feel either sick or hungry or both at the same time. I was eating a sandwich and feeling both disgusted and hungry at the same time. It's weird lol. Although I asked them to at least let me eat the sandwich so it won't be wasted food and they calmed down enough for be to finish it.

That's about it for now. It's barely afternoon here so. Still a whole day left;
~ We are Venny, the host, and Viper, my soul! ~
        Click here! Come join us on the chat!
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to