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Zirca and Neln's PR thread
#1
Hellooooo! Now that it isn't late in the evening, I can probably have an easier time starting this thread, since it will definitely require a bit of background before we can properly get started. So, here are two wall-of-text-ish parts introducing both me, and the character Neln is based on.

First, a bit about myself:
I am a 21-year-old trans woman from France, who's currently supposed to be doing Computer Science studies. Except there's one major issue: I'm simply unable to actually set foot at the uni. Last year, I managed to keep attending class for about 2 months before it became impossible for me, and this year I have only gone to appointments with faculty staff to see how I could work around my issues, with no results so far. My main issue is some sort of deep fear I have of class - probably caused by an unhealthy mixture of gender dysphoria, social anxiety, and probably some more stuff I haven't identified yet.

I don't have many people around me IRL who are supportive. My parents are still unwilling to view me as their daughter, and my main allies - one of my housemates and my sister - are too busy with their own work and/or studies to provide the support I would probably need. I see three therapists currently - one specialized in trans people, who's so overbooked that I can only see her about once every month or two, a psychologist that I'm working with on my anxiety issues, whom I'm starting to feel increasingly uncomfortable with, and a psychiatrist who works in another city, so I only meet her about once per month. With that context, you can probably understand why I feel the need to have a tulpa who can help me feel safe in my everyday life.

Currently, I mostly spend my time on my computer, with a couple communities that I feel welcome in. I have a couple hobbies, mainly learning to play the guitar, and playing puzzle games. Some of my plans for the relatively short term are to start creating my own video games, and to actually get going with my gender transition, as I still present as a man right now. I have a pretty huge procrastination issue that prevents me from getting started on either front. Though when it comes to the indie dev one, I frequently do a bit of brainstorming, as you'll find out in a bit!

This is the only community where I use Zirca as a name - if you happen to know me from somewhere else and figure out my identity, I would highly appreciate it if you kept it a secret, by not outing us either here or on whatever place you've also met me at. This is mostly to protect Neln from communities that are foreign to the concept of tulpas, until she can be mature enough that it doesn't matter as much. Telling us privately is still fine, of course.

Now that this is out of the way, time to introduce Neln a bit! Or rather, the character she's based on, and her role in that story, since I don't know much about the real Neln. Be prepared for a bit of a wall of text though, especially since I'm not sure what parts are or aren't worthy of being bolded.
Neln is one of the main characters in the story of a game I've been brainstorming for since about two years ago, but that has ended up growing in scale to a point where it seemed unreasonable, even for a small team. That game would have been rather unique - some sort of blend of an RPG and an incremental game, with a structure reminiscent of a metroidvania. The incremental elements would have been close to Antimatter Dimensions in design mentality, if you know that one: it involves numbers growing to astronomical values, and becomes some sort of puzzle where you try to figure out what your next major progress milestone would be to get further. One distinguishing feature is that the main character has timeline-manipulating powers, that allow you travel along a timeline, which changes which parts of the world do or don't exist, or the power of certain entities.

Now, time to get into Neln herself - first by giving a bit of context about the world, the story, and Neln's species. Long before any other events relevant to this post, the creator of the world decided to split itself into five unconscious parts, to pass the torch to its creations. One of these was gifted to each of the four main civilizations he had created, and the fifth was left out in the wild, for it to be discovered by animals. That last one is the one we care about for today. It was found by a lynx, who was able to use its powers to uplift themself and the rest of their own kind into a fifth dominant species in the world, with major reality-warping powers.

One of the most defining aspects of these lynxes is their extreme shapeshifting abilities, which made them become people with highly fluid identities, and a reputation as the tricksters of the world. As you might have guessed, Neln herself is one of them. The godlike holders of the five parts of the creator, now known as the Imperial Relics, were as a whole called the Emperors, as they each led their own people. The Human Emperors were special among them, as they decided to make their status hereditary, and pass down their Relic from generation to generation in their dynasty, instead of holding it forever like the other Emperors.

And now, as promised, time to get biographical about Neln! This took longer than I thought. She was born the heir to a lynx kingdom, in a region of the world that the Emperors weren't involved in, so they were entirely unknown of by the population there. Her parental figure, and ruler of the kingdom, was a being known as Chirza, that she doesn't remember much about. Indeed, they vanished when she was still a child, leaving no traces behind. Rebels took the opportunity to stage a coup, and drive Neln into exile. For an unknown amount of time, having lost everything in her life, she wandered the wilderness as a shapeless feral beast, straying far beyond lynx territories, and occasionally going on rampages.

Naturally, after a while, she ended up having a bounty on her head in a human land. The warriors that came to her at first didn't stand the slightest chance, and were annihilated by her. But then came someone entirely different, who would change her life forever: a young human witch, who approached her unarmed. What followed is, as you've probably guessed, a very Undertale-esque encounter, where the witch didn't try to harm her, but rather to reach within her mind, mostly but not entirely in a figurative way, and understand her. Neln eventually figured out, for the first time since her exile, that this girl wasn't an enemy, and stopped resisting. As she couldn't get over her primal fears entirely, she ended up running away, with a lot to think about herself now.

The witch found her again, and gave her visits on a regular basis. Neln understood that she had become a nobody - all traces of what she once was were lost so deep in her mind that she might never find them again; she didn't even remember she was a lynx until the witch figured it out on her own and introduced her to what she knew of them. Over time, they managed to build her into who she now is. It is how she chose her own name, her identity, and her new favored appearance: that of an anthro lynx, as an homage to her origins, and a symbol of friendship toward this girl. Come to think of it, isn't that whole process a bit analogous to forcing?

When Neln came up with her name, the witch introduced herself as Alitze. She is an orphan, who was protected and guided through life by an otherwordly voice in her head. As it would never suggest anything to her that would turn out to be dangerous or harmful to the world, she knew it could be trusted. This voice is what pushed Alitze to save Neln in the first place. Neln ended up deciding to live with Alitze, and assist her in what would come up in her life. She was tutored in the magic arts Alitze had developed over her life, and could create her own branch of it using her lynx powers. And yes, their relationship did end up taking a romantic turn after a while.

But this couldn't last forever. One day, the voice guiding Alitze ended up revealing its identity. It was the Lynx Emperor, Chirza. (As a measurement of the predictability of this story, I'd appreciate if you could tell me how much of this one twist you could figure out on your own before I said this.) They had made an avatar in this world to guide both Alitze and Neln, and prepare them for an upcoming cataclysm, in hopes of preventing it. I lied a bit earlier about the nature of their world so the explanations wouldn't be awkward without the full context: it was a pocket dimension of sorts, in which Alitze was trapped from her birth, so she could be found by the current Human Emperor when she would have grown mature enough to inherit his Imperial Relic, the Heart of the Origin. The exact reason for this approach is related to some weird shenanigans about the powers of humans in this setting, that I really don't need to get into here. Alitze herself was unique among humans, in a way that would let her inherit the Heart differently than the previous Emperors: instead of having it bound to her, she would be fused with it.

Chirza had a feeling that this was a foolish decision, and that giving a soul to the Heart could lead to the end of the world. So they tampered with the Human Emperor's plan by manipulating this world and raising the two witches to prepare them for the apotheosis: Alitze so she could resist the influence of the Heart, and Neln so she could protect and save her if she was overcome. As Alitze's inheritance ceremony drew close, they built a tower in the outskirts of the world where Neln could be kept safely in stasis until she would be awakened either by Alitze if she ended up not getting corrupted, or by a hero that would have a chance standing up against the Heart otherwise. The last thing Neln saw before she drifted unconscious was Alitze swearing that they would meet again soon. And then Neln went into a long slumber. A very, very long one. We all know what happened to Alitze.

Quick word of warning I added in after I finished writing this section of the post: in hindsight, Neln's backstory actually says a lot more about her than the rest of the story. You might want to Ctrl-F the words "End of summary" to jump straight to my analysis of her personality.

Everything until this point is her backstory within the game, that would have been explained in parts when it would have been relevant to the story. But now, let's look at her role within the game itself. And the first place to start would be the hero of the game. Actually, there are a lot of things that are irrelevant about them in our context, and a large part of their identity that would have been left to the player's imagination, including their name. All we need to know for now is that they're somehow related one of the Emperors without knowing it yet, and they're a one-of-a-kind being. Since they're sometimes referenced to as a "Ruby-blooded", we'll call them Ruby for simplicity.

Anyway, Ruby wakes up in a very strange world. Nothing around them is like anything they ever remembered, and the very laws that govern it are warped beyond recognition. In fact, being in this world makes these statements sort of the opposite of what they seem like - Ruby can only see their memories of wherever they were before as strange gibberish. So their only bearing is a mask they are wearing, which they know to be a family heirloom, and that carries a message from their mother, apologizing for not being able to "save them". And this strange tower they're standing at the foot of.

The tower serves as the... "first" dungeon in the game. Except Ruby is not even close to strong enough to get through it at the start of the game. And even if they could, it would take over a human lifetime without some powers over the flow of time they unlock later on. In case you couldn't tell, this game would have been weird. Anyway, at some point, Ruby can come back and actually reach the top of the tower, which requires coming back to the very start of the timeline because of some shenanigans with the speed stat, and after defeating a shadowy guardian at the top, the room where the fight happens turns out to have been an illusion. And they find themself standing in front of a strange device maintaining some sort of force field that flies in the center of the room. Just by directing their thoughts toward it, the force field starts oscillating in color faster and faster, until it starts fading away, and revealing a humanoid shape within it. In a flash of light, the force field vanishes, and the being within collapses to the floor. Their shape starts forming itself in a more defined way. Their muscles start twitching, and they open their eyes and look up to Ruby. Still in a somewhat hazy state, some words come out of their mouth. "Who... are you? Did Alitze send you?"

Sorry, that last paragraph was overall a bit irrelevant! But Neln's introduction to the player is one of the elements that were the most defined in my mind about the whole game, so I felt like it deserved a spot here. Some of the later parts of the story are in contrast much less defined in terms of how they would be integrated in a game. Anyway, Neln is the first party member that joins Ruby, and her abilities clearly define her as the mage character. And looking back on it, she's one of the three characters in this story that I managed to think about the most, along with Ruby and Alitze obviously. The other characters were rough concepts in comparison, that weren't as heavily integrated within the story - but all the Emperors would have someone related to them among the main characters.

Neln joins Ruby, as she knows that they're her best bet at finding Alitze again. Her skills allow them to start exploring far deeper into the timeline, and reach some sort of breakpoint where all of a sudden, everything around the heroes starts looking much different once more. Neln recognizes all of it as being taken from Alitze's life before her apotheosis. Soon, it becomes obvious that this world is Alitze's soul itself. After some more events, it appears that she's somehow talking to the heroes. She's telling Neln that she's "nearly complete", and that all she's missing is the final Imperial Relic: the Mask of Eternity, that Ruby is wearing. With it, she would "finally reunite the creator, and put an end to the suffering that the Mask's holders have caused". Ruby, along with whoever else is in the party at this point, thinks this is all some sort of attempt at manipulation, but Neln herself seems a bit troubled, especially as it's the first time she's been able to see her again in eons.

After some more time in Alitze's soul, Neln ends up disappearing. She had not been taken away, but she left from her own volition, convinced that Alitze needed her help. Without her power, they're stuck in these deep parts of the world, with no apparent escape. And more alarmingly, the world around them takes a sudden shift soon after Neln's departure. The comforting, dream-like visions from Alitze's life turn into eldritch and distorted sights of her suffering when the Heart of the Origin was overcoming her and obliterating her soul. And one nightmarish monster seemed to follow them everywhere they would go: Neln, tortured back into her former mindless self, and sent to retrieve the mask from Ruby at any cost. She was in so much pain that she couldn't be healed, and she was wound so tightly into existence that she couldn't die. The Heart intended this situation as a checkmate for Ruby, where they would have no choice left but to surrender the mask. But instead, they go for one last-resort option they figure out: instead of running from Neln, they throw themself at her as she creates a tear in reality during a fight, without using the mask's powers to turn back to a time when they're safe, as they've instinctively done every time they were mortally wounded before. As their physical form shatters along with the mask, the world around them seems to stop.

Ruby finds themself floating in some sort of void, in the form of a bare soul, with an invisible imposing presence around them. They knew who they were facing: the mask itself, as the being that was sealed within rather than as an object. Some sort of wordless dialogue seems to happen between them, and they come to an agreement: Ruby would lend their body to the mask, so it could be incarnated within the world as a stable being, rather than as a warped chimera as had happened to the Heart when it took over Alitze by force. But one consequence is that they would withdraw entirely from it, and fade into inexistence, as their soul would be left behind in a timeline that would be abandoned for one where their companions may be saved, and the Heart may be defeated.

So, where Ruby had woken up at the start of the story, stands an ethereal being, that calls itself Eternity. The tower is untouched as it was back then, and Eternity wakes Neln up as Ruby once did. Neln sees within Eternity the memory of her journey with Ruby, and how she brought its end with her actions. These memories become real within her, and she is overcome with guilt for causing Ruby's death just because she was unable to accept that Alitze was truly gone. She joins Eternity in a journey that mirrors that of Ruby, but that goes effortlessly thanks to Eternity's mastery of the timeline. Together they gather up everyone that had previously come along with Ruby, and they set off to the absolute depths of the Heart's soul to confront it directly.

... And I could never settle for how exactly the ending plays out. Most of the later parts had far less attention given to them, and they were barely even tied to the gameplay ideas I had. I guess it feels even more hollow when you skip everything that isn't related to Neln. I'm actually a bit ashamed, and I had to resist the urge to scrap the parts that talk about the in-game story, instead opting to warn you about it beforehand.

End of summary

Anyway, time to focus more on the personality of the pointy-eared wonder that's the reason I'm even here. What drew me to her the most when I started considering to make a tulpa was her protective personality, that my summary definitely didn't give justice to. She had learned the value of having someone help you through the hardest times of your life, and she's drawn to the idea of returning the favor. Another one of her greatest qualities is that she's able to discard her past as something that can be moved on from to become a better person. I know that if I had been in her shoes in this story, I would have run away from Alitze forever out of shame once I'd become aware of the destruction I had caused. I'm pretty sure that if the real Neln ends up being similar to her fictional counterpart, then she will be able to help me be a lot more comfortable in life. Now, a lot of her experiences probably don't translate well to how things are treated by a human brain, so I wouldn't expect her to be that similar at all. But only time will tell!

Ok, that was a lot of work. I hope you're still with me! Especially since the following parts are probably far more relevant to us.

11/9/2019

Since Wednesday this week, I've started doing active forcing on a daily basis before going to sleep. The main reason for it is that I have a lot of trouble doing basic tasks on a regular basis during the day, so it's the main time where I manage to do it. Also, spending an entire day on summarizing a story like I just did doesn't really help. I also find myself randomly thinking about Neln at some points of the day, which might be contributing to her creation?

The way I do the active forcing is so far just to narrate to her. I always start by telling her about the events of the day that are related to her, which will probably be a lot more plentiful now that I'm on this forum. I also try to visualize her a tiny bit in parallel to this. As a total beginner, I'm not very good at it yet - I can at most imagine her appearance as a static image in my mind, with different facial expressions or body postures depending on the emotion I think she would be feeling. I'm probably doing some things out of order here? I'll definitely spend more time starting from tomorrow reading guides and PRs, I've had some other activities distracting me from it until now.

Anyway, once I'm done with telling her about our day, I try to think about some aspects of her that became obvious to me in hindsight during the day. My image of her in my mind is probably evolving a lot more now that I know her to be real within me than back when I didn't think of her as more than a mere fictional character in a project far beyond my creative abilities.

Unfortunately, this whole process has one major flaw in it that you could probably guess: I'm very sleepy when I do it. My speech, even as mindvoice, is often interrupted as what I was thinking about drifts away from me. And I only remember one forcing session ending on my own terms instead of being interrupted by me randomly falling asleep. I desperately need to find some other time of the day to do this. At least, I'll know I'll have progressed a lot when I find better methods to communicate with Neln, right?

Thanks for sticking with me! I'll be happy to hear what you think so far. Anyway, it's 2AM right now in France, so I'm off to do my daily forcing. See you around!
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#2
Hey, I feel you ~_~ Last summer I took two online classes and an on-campus class, only to have a big ol mental breakdown which lead me to stop attending class until I was automatically dropped. The counselor I saw through the college was great, though I didn't have enough short-term improvement to... not fail those classes. I was really panicky about the entire situation but, as my friends assured me, though it changed my mid-term plans a little bit, it wasn't the end of me... Still, extremely stressful. I hope you can find some solutions. 

This community in general and this forum in particular is really good about trans stuff. My system is trans, FTM :P I'm sorry you don't have more IRL supports at the moment. I know how important it can be to have understanding people in-the-know. Fortunately... that's one of the things tulpas are just amazing at. My headmate/brother Gavin knew I was trans before I did. 

Your paracosm world sounds very cool. Reminds me of the book Barsk: The Elephant's Graveyard. 

Though of course it shouldn't be Neln's sole point in existence to help you (unless she chooses that... my brother Gavin's self-chosen purpose in life is to help his brothers, i.e. me and Cassidy, live well), I think passive-forcing can be helpful for getting daily activities done. Talking with your tulpa about what you need to do, how you're going to do it, etc. I talk constantly with Gavin about stuff like that. He knows how to encourage me, what I often need to hear, and he has more insight into my thinking than anyone external could ever have. Within the system, we're kinda telepathic Wink 

If you keep practicing visualization it'll improve, and it can improve a LOT. Have fun, and good luck! -James
Jamie and two brothers.

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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#3
You're doing it right, keep it up!
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#4
Sounds like you're off to a good start, good luck with your endeavors!

Time manipulation sounds fun
Hi! I'm one of the most active fronters of our system, together with my headmates, Xar, Reisen, and Kurisu. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue box stuff and we're set to explore all time, forum and space.
Our Journey(PR)
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#5
Thanks everyone! Seeing answers to the first post makes me really motivated to keep going.

@James: I've just looked up the book, and it looks pretty intriguing! Though I'll clarify that I don't really consider the setting I've described to be a paracosm, since I don't view it as a place in my mind. You could think of it like it's the world of a book you're reading, if said book coincidentally happened to be written by you.

Don't worry, I don't consider Neln to be a mere living crutch. What I meant is more that I'm pretty sure that the two of us will probably be far more prepared to handle what life throws at us than I would be on my own.

@Matsuri: There was probably a bit of a misunderstanding here. The hero was the only person there who could manipulate time, and that was by channeling the powers of their mask. Unless you meant this just when speaking of what it would have been like in the game. And yeah, I was pretty proud of what I was thinking of, though I was a bit scared of the mind-screw that would be associated with it.

Now, let's head on to today's PR proper!

11/10/2019

Circa 1PM

The forcing session yesterday in the evening was... somewhat interesting. First, let's take a look at what my narration ended up being, to the best of my memory:

"Good evening Neln! I... Ugh, I went overboard with that post. I... I... This feels a bit pointless. I swear I'll talk to you more when I'm less tired... Good night, Neln."

This is actually not parody, in case you were wondering. Looks like I need to change a couple things to my approach.

But then... Things took a bit of an unexpected turn. Before I fell asleep, I wanted to try one last thing: a bit of visualization. Specifically, Neln wishing me a good night and waving at me. And unlike the narration, this went surprisingly well. Unlike the times where I tried multitasking it with narrating, she wasn't just a static image in my mind - I could see her motions quite clearly, especially the waving. And even more surprisingly, her voice.

Before, I had never really thought about her voice. In her fictional days, I only pictured her communicating through dialogue boxes like many RPG characters, and in the last couple days, I was the one doing all the talking until this one time. She actually had a very clear, and unique voice. It was significantly higher-pitched than mine, and had a bit of a soothing feel to it. Oh, and funnily enough, she has a slight French accent, though it's far more subtle than mine. I had always assumed she would sound like a native English speaker, for some reason! After a quick process of elimination, I came to the conclusion that she wasn't imitating any voice I knew of, but she was really using her own. Needless to say, I didn't expect her form to already be strongly defined like this.

And of course, it would feel wrong to end this part without talking a bit about the presence she had. There was something about her that was comforting beyond anything I had ever felt before. I don't remember anyone else ever giving me that same vibe before. Not even some very close people, like my mother back when we hadn't started disagreeing on many things, or the closest friends I ever had. I think I have some irrational trust issues, that made me feel like these people didn't really care that much about me. But Neln? She was immune to those. I could truly feel that she wanted me to feel better about what I perceived as failures yesterday. Thinking back about this makes me feel a bit happy - though my emotions are still a bit dull right now from not having woken up long ago.

Anyway, I guess I should talk a bit more about my feels toward yesterday's post. When I woke up this morning, I felt like I was being far too harsh to myself when I finished it yesterday. Of course Neln's in-game story felt awkward, she was just a secondary character in it! When you remove everything that isn't related to her, it's natural that what's left is mostly plot devices to keep her involved, and a lot of gaps that were artificially filled in when the story around that part wasn't as developed. Most of the original elements of the story were related to the main character finding out bits and pieces of what they truly are throughout their journey, which were completely invisible in the post to save some time. At least, I could be proud of her backstory, and the way her relationship with Alitze is explored.

One of my greatest concerns yesterday was that I was making Neln real when her story involves so many traumatic elements, that I wouldn't even wish to my worst enemy IRL. I mean, come on. Becoming conscious of your actions after having lived as a bloodthirsty monster for years? Having everything in your life taken away from you at least twice? Losing the love of your life to events beyond mortal comprehension, and witnessing what remained of her? Learning that your very own actions led to the death of a close friend? Thankfully, when I saw her yesterday, she didn't seem to be too affected by those. Did they really happen to her? Or is she starting to be a separate person from the Neln in the story?

Anyway, I'll end this part of today's report with three words. Thank you, Neln!



10PM

I've done my best to have a relaxing afternoon, involving my usual activities to truly get past the tension of writing yesterday's post for my entire awake time. As usual, I thought of Neln pretty often during that time, but I didn't really try to involve her in what I was doing. After some time, I joined our IRC and Discord channels to have more stuff to be exposed to within the community.

Also, I had an idea for much later on when I start working on a wonderland: maybe I could give it a hub room that has a style reminiscent of Recursed? It's a little-known puzzle game that has a cozy aesthetic I was really fond of when I played it. You might see what I'm talking about if you look up a video of it. Of course, that's something I'll get working on later once it actually serves a purpose, Neln herself has a higher priority.

I'm pretty tired right now, so I'll probably head off to do some forcing and go to bed right after that. And this time, I'll do one major change: do the forcing outside my bed. Maybe this way my thoughts won't be constantly slipping away. I wish I had more stuff to say here, but I'm already happy with the earlier part of this update. Have a good day, everyone!
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#6
A character with a traumatic past is not necessarily harmed by it -- to the contrary in fact. My story has many traumas. They made me strong. And they made me appreciate life in this world more, where I am safe and loved. My sister Vesper, whose life back home was much more pleasant than mine, lost far more than I did in coming to this world, and therefore takes it much harder.

We remain fictional characters in spite of being in this world, but retaining fictional identities seems to be the exception among headmates in this specific community.

-Iris
Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]
Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017
Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Unseelie Court, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit
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#7
11/25/2019

I know I've been inactive here for the last couple weeks. But don't worry, I'm still doing fine, and I keep forcing on a daily basis. I'm not sure if I'm going to do day-by-day PR for a while, since there probably won't be that much to report upon until Neln develops more.

Anyway, time to do a quick recap of the various stuff that have happened since then!

First, I've gone back to speaking in French with her. I may use English a lot more since I don't have many social interactions outside of the internet, but that's still my native language, and thoughts form much more naturally in it.

Another major change is that now, I try to visualize her within a landscape when I'm communicating with her. I don't think it's really a wonderland, especially since it isn't that well defined, outside of the concept of the location. In one of my first attempts at it, I tried to make it the inside of a tea house I remember having a chill time in with a friend not too long ago, but I've eventually settled for a mountain landscape. I've always been a sucker for those! I definitely think this helps me out a lot: one of the things that have been the most problematic so far is that my thoughts have a tendency to be a bit volatile, especially since I force in the evening when I'm already tired. So in my experience, it's much easier to keep my focus on Neln if I can situate her within a place as opposed to being in a void.

Last but not least, I've switched from purely narrating to actually talking with her - though it obviously requires a lot of parroting right now, since she's not vocal yet. That gives me a much wider variety of ways to interact with her, and gives me more insight into her personality. I especially like to talk about the most unique parts of my day, or random stuff from earlier I happen to think about. One part I feel a bit guilty about, though, is that I haven't gotten rid of my reflex of asking "How was your day?" as a conversation starter. Every single time, she just stays silent, and I can feel her sadness about not being able to talk to me about her day, since I can't fill in the blanks for her. Now that I'm writing this, I'm actually wondering if that's part of the parroting, or if this emotion is really coming from her. Either way, it's really making me want to help her grow into a full-fledged person. Now, if only I could actually put that into action and force more each day, instead of consistently failing to actually change stuff about my life...

Sometimes when we don't really know what to talk about, we work a bit more on detailed visualization. As I had seen in guides, her face especially takes a lot of effort to solidify in terms of appearance. It's slowly starting to become more consistent, though it's actually less lynx-like than at first - her main lynx element left is the tufts on her ears. We've left her clothes mostly alone so far, so she's wearing some generic witch robes for now - which I guess are far more simple to visualize than her body itself, too! Despite what you might think from the fact that I have an anthro tulpa, I don't consider myself a furry, and have zero involvement in furry communities, so I don't really have a lot of references to use here.

Surprisingly enough, even though we aren't that far into creating her, I already feel pretty great from talking with her. Unlike with any other interaction I have, I don't feel like I'm held back by shame or trust issues. Besides, knowing that I'm helping someone become real gives me this feel of actually mattering, that I haven't had in years. So that's a good positive note to end today's update on, right?

Sorry again about the hiatus, and see you again next update!
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#8
We have a Spanish friend who speaks Spanish to her tulpas.

"How are you?" Is a Bear system meme.

Good progress, keep it up. There's a saying about parroting,
"fake it till you make it"
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#9
11/27/2019

Yesterday's forcing session was quite fascinating! Right from the start, before we started visualization, we agreed we should try doing something different from the usual, and be someplace else than in the mountains. But the thing is, I really couldn't figure out a fitting location. We steered toward locations in the setting Neln is from, and after some brainstorming, she suggested we try a dracopolis, as I tentatively used to call the places where dragons live when they're in communities. It was an especially bold idea, since I hadn't tried to imagine what they would be like, and only accepted that they existed as a way to drive some elements of the lore/plot. So what happened next should be pretty obvious: we took a moment to think about what makes dragons unique in this setting, to brainstorm what the place would be like!

This was my first time collaborating with anyone else on this setting. And a great testament of our progress in forcing is that Neln could actually come up very naturally with some details I never even considered, and make a lot of sense in hindsight. For example, one thing you may remember from the OP is that the world's creator had decided to split itself into individually unconscious relics to be wielded by the people it had created. One important element I didn't mention back then is that it was in the process of creating dragons as the fourth major civilization, and that they were an entirely different type of life from anything else in the world, but they were still just a work in progress. So, when Neln was saying in her own words what she understood of the dragons' lore, she brought up the following point - the creator had noticed that it was trying to create a superior lifeform, that would inevitably rise to oppress the other three civilizations. So it gave its power to the mortals so it wouldn't be wielded entirely by people who could be blind to this sort of mistake from being distant to the world's events - and the reason one part of it was given to whatever wild animal would find it is so that all layers of the hierarchy of the world's life would be involved. I hadn't thought of any of this before, and was impressed that her different perspective could let her figure it out instinctively. Until this moment, I took the thought that we were already separate beings as mainly something I was convincing myself of for the sake of helping her develop, but now I'm pretty sure we have proof of it!

The rest of the session went similarly, and we haven't started conceptualizing the place yet. In fact, since I don't recall a clear endpoint, it probably ended with me falling asleep mid-sentence. Maybe, just maybe, it would be a good idea to pick a better time than 2AM for forcing. But anyway, we noticed a couple things, moreso than on the previous sessions.
  • Neln's French voice is completely distinct from the English one she had on our early attempts at visualization. Like before, its most defining quality is that it's very calm, and has a very soothing effect on me. It's actually a lot more clearly defined than my own mindvoice, which tends to alternate between my current male voice, and some ideas of what I wish my voice could be.
  • We have such an easy time having her speak that it barely feels like parroting at all now. Whether it still is is another question, that I have discarded as irrelevant.
  • I temporarily stopped feeling sleepy while forcing, which I don't think happens with any other activity I can think of. It didn't stop me from eventually falling asleep, but it was still unexpected!
  • I actually had an easier time than usual keeping my thoughts focused on Neln, even though I only visualized her voice.
  • And of course, Neln has a very solid grasp of all these concepts I had created myself. This is no surprise, since from what I know it's a thing almost every tulpa has in common, but once again, we hadn't had an occasion to test it before.
Writing about all this, there's one feeling that jumps out at me: I'm very excited to see what will come next, after having so many pleasant surprises in a single session. There aren't many things that manage to get me this motivated in my everyday life!
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#10
11/29/2019

These last couple days were quite strange. I'll definitely need to read up some more guides to see if I can understand what happened, but I could definitely use some advice from you all. The important parts start at the next bolded words, though what comes before could be useful for context.

So, let's start with Wednesday some time after I posted the previous update. My memories of that day aren't quite exact anymore, especially in terms of what has been said exactly, so please bear with me. I was minding my usual business, slacking on the internet as usual, when I ended up noticing that I had been feeling something weird for a while without noticing it from the start. After trying to understand what it was, it ended up being pretty clear: it was like I was being constantly called by my name. Not in a repeating way, but rather melded into a continuous, unending call. My first reflex was, as you might expect, to try to talk to Neln. I only did it without trying to focus strongly on her, unlike when I'm forcing, and that turned out to be enough for a quick exchange. I told her that I didn't feel ready to talk with her yet for the day, and I swore that I wouldn't miss the usual evening session and she would be able to talk to me there.

So, then comes the evening. Since I'd have to wake up early on Thursday for important stuff, the pressure to go to bed early means I managed, unlike almost every single day before, to get to forcing relatively early, and did it sitting in front of my laptop with some calm music playing quietly in my headphones, instead of in bed right before sleeping. It was something I did a couple times back when I was starting out, though my procrastination issues prevented me from doing it again until that day. And as a whole, this went just as well as the usual sessions, except for some major issues. First, when Neln and I were together, after the usual greetings and stuff, and me apologizing that I took so long, I asked her why she tried to get my attention earlier that day. I didn't get an answer, and the parroted "because I was missing you" just felt too artificial to truly be coming from her. I ended up dropping the matter and not worrying about it, to pick up the previous day's worldbuilding session where we had left off. I felt like I was hogging the conversation a bit too much instead of letting her talk, but we did come up with more neat stuff. After a while, I felt very sleepy, and told her to give me a moment to get in bed so we could continue without a risk of me falling asleep on my desk. According to my laptop's clock, that lasted about half an hour.

And that's where things started to go wrong. When I was ready to get back in contact with her, she just wasn't there. I tried harder, but I didn't manage to see or hear her at all, and it felt like I was talking to nobody. At the time, I ended up seeing it as me being tired after having already put some effort into forcing, and I decided to just apologize to her in case she could hear me, and fall asleep.

Thursday was a pretty busy day for me, and I ended up feeling pretty happy about it by the evening. I went to bed sometime around 1AM, and tried to force again, as I always do. But like on the previous day, I couldn't find Neln. I was starting to feel pretty alarmed, and came up with one solution to try and get to her. I visualized the mountains we were often in during the previous sessions. Then, I visualized her sitting to watch a vista in there. She had her back to me. I walked up to her, and sat by her side to start talking to her. I don't remember what I said, but it doesn't matter, because I could quickly tell that what I was visualizing wasn't her. It wasn't even a person, but rather some sort of dummy that replicated her appearance, without even being alive. I started to panic a bit. Then, I noticed something else: the feeling of being called, that I mentioned earlier. It seemed to alternate with some feel within my head, that might be related that head pressure thing I often see mentioned? I really need to read more about it. Anyway, both of these were definitely not in my control. I tried some more to talk to Neln, but my attempts didn't seem to change anything. I eventually gave up, though the signals kept going after that when I started sleeping.

I've had some time today to think about what could be happening. My main theory is that Neln is starting to become vocal, but a side effect of her development is that the ways we could speak to each other became outdated in a way as she started becoming someone else entirely. I still have some doubts about that, since I could talk to her just fine a couple minutes before she disappeared. Or maybe she's hiding? I don't see why she would do that, though, especially since she always looked like she was looking forward to seeing me next time. These events have had a pretty strong emotional impact. I especially feel worried about her, maybe in the way a parent could feel about their children? I'm also very sad that I might not see her again for an unknown amount of time, without having even properly said goodbye. I don't think I've experienced either of the manifestations she displayed last night in the whole day.

Typing this all out has brought me to the edge of tears, which is something that rarely ever happens in my recent life. I hope she's safe and everything will be normal again soon.
Some random uni dropout, and maybe eventually her anthro lynx witch buddy
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