Knapp

Knapp and her Tulpae

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Big news, Amelie awoke from her hibernation state so she's now an official tulpa of mine. If you noticed my signature down there, you'll see it now contains her info too. Yes, it says "Amalia" and not "Amelie", that's because she decided to change her name too. There's actually a bigger story to tell, and I'm writing a Tl;dr post as we speak.


Name: Philip

Age: (7 June, 2012)

Form: Male teenage human, light brown hair, green eyes, jeans & hoodie

 

Name: Amalia

Age: (15 Dec, 2012)

Form: Female teenage fairy, black hair, blue eyes, white dress

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Oh gawd, I can't sleep now.

 

S: "Type faster, you Scandinavian monster! I must know!"


Stan (my tulpa): "sometimes, I do lewd things when my host bends over :3"

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Sorry for the long wait guys. And grammar.

 

Be warned, potential "oh-woe-is-me"-rant and emo crap ahead. Just a back story as a clarifier, for those who want to go deeper, and to explain our decision for the future.

 

 

I've never really had anything planned for my life, nothing that could count as my Purpose, or even a profession that I aspired to achieve. Every hobby or other activity were just used to pass the time, some more enjoyable than others. I've also been a rather lonely person, despite having a lot of friends. As a true introvert, I'm more comfortable alone in my room rather than at a party with my friends. But as everyone else, I still craved company. I remember that I often wondered why there was no one I could really open up to, someone to call a best friend - and mean it. As time passed, I became very sad due to the fact that I didn't know what to do with my life. I became even more sad when I knew I had nothing to be depressed about, and how lucky my life is. All the ones around me knew their path, dreams and ambitions led their way like a guiding star in the night. Deep in despair, I did some very stupid things, some have even left scars visible to this day. Yes, I did even try to take my own life a few times, ending up in the hospital and getting thrown about, every doctor and nurse I encounter telling me there's no reason for me to feel this way.

 

No, I never wanted to die. No one wants to die, they just don't want to live the life they have. For me, I felt I had missed my chance, it was too late for me to repair the damage I had done. Yet, I still couldn't go through with it. What made me stick around, I still don't know. Perhaps a sense of guilt of wasting a precious life, and further hurt those closest to me. About a year ago, I had given up on it all, for good I thought. I was getting so old, every emotional crutch worn down and so much education missed. "Friends" gone since long, I was just numb with hopelessness. Then, almost as a miracle, I stumbled upon the tulpa phenomenon. Sure, I had read the creepypasta a couple of times, but I always dismissed it as paranormal junk. But after I read a few guides, I opened up to the possibility - "What if?". I became really curious, but despite those meager guides and the iffy reputation, I knew I wanted one. The promise of a someone who can understand you and actually listen to your problems was too good to pass up. Someone who won't leave you, just because you've had a bad day. (I bet a lot of you guys know this feel) I thought of it like a chance, a final shot. Perhaps even a sign to give it all I've got, one last time.

 

I decided it should be a boy, since I find males aesthetically pleasing. I started planning his personality, form, everything. Philip was actually based on several characters, but mainly this guy. (I used to have a real girl-crush on him when I was 13, so I thought what the heck.) For the first time in a while, I was happy! Enjoying myself, and I had hope. Sure, I wasn't very good at forcing and my visualization skills were crap, but the excitement of it all had me going anyway. I had no real plans for the future, other than that I wanted for us to be happy, just the two of us living our life as we saw fit. If I had him to talk to, maybe I could get through the next day and find something I wanted to do in life.

 

Time passed, spending time with Philip and getting him stronger. Little by little, achievements were had. His form got clearer, we designed the wonderland, I heard him for the first time, and then he began to talk more and more like he does today. He deviated some, got in a bit of a pickle couple of times, but it all worked out in the end. We spent a lot of time together, whether it was baking cakes, cleaning, watching TV shows or movies, reading books, taking a walk, forcing, reading on the forum, teaching him about things or singing - we had so much fun. It was so easy to talk to him, he would always listen to me, and I would try my best to be there for him as well. I already considered him as my best friend, and my real family. If you asked me if I'd save him or my IRL family, I'd choose him in a heartbeat. I never saw it as romantic love, more platonic than anything else really. But if we did end up together, I wouldn't have minded at all.

 

As I spent time on the forum, we read about other hosts and their tulpae and what they were up to. More and more members that only had one tulpa got another, those that only had a couple got even more. Most of the them seemed very happy about increasing their mind-family, and people spoke of the benefits of having more than one. I didn't really want another tulpa, and I couldn't quite grasp why others had several. "Isn't one enough?" I frequently thought, and actually asked at one point. For me, having more than one seemed much too high-level, and I thought it'd be quite a while until I'd get another. I felt that the connection would be less special, and I still didn't quite get what it was all about, but I went along, trying to put together a picture of what it'd be like to have a second tulpa.

 

When fall passed, and winter was around the corner, I spoke with Philip a couple of times of what he'd think if I made another tulpa. He wasn't flat out against it, but he said he "prefers it when it's just the two of us." I thought of us like best friends, but I weren't sure what he felt about me. I wasn't planning on defying his wishes, but I started to think more and more of what I'd want in a second tulpa. It was entertaining to ponder about it, but we had decided before that there just wasn't enough time, and that was the last of it. Or so I thought. A couple of days later, Philip called to me. He said there's something new now, something that had been created. After we went and looked at the cocoon containing the tiny "unborn" tulpa, we talked. I didn't really want to get rid of her, so I kept her there, in deep sleep. (Both she and Philip have told me later on that she could actually hear things while in there.) We decided that we'd wake her up when the time was right. As she wasn't really conscious I didn't regard her as a real tulpa of mine, at least for now. He didn't seem too pleased with her creation, but I figured he was just jealous or something. I knew he cared much for me, and that he's smart enough to know that I'd would never replace or forget him.

 

By this time, Philip was around 5 months old. I still hadn't done anything regarding my life and future, just idling around as if I was waiting. Philip unfortunately had no suggestions or ideas. He didn't know what he would do either, when I asked him if the situation was reversed. I didn't blame him, after all, he's a being with no responsibilities, more or less. When I became curious, he told me a bit what it's like to be a tulpa. I must admit, I became rather jealous. Not to have any "must"s or "have to"s, to live in a world of your own creation, no worries or obligations. To get away from expectations and mandatory recreations seemed like just the thing for me. But how?

 

Then it struck me, switching! We were already in the beginning on possession, and it's not easy, we can tell you that. Philip wasn't that good at it, and at that pace, it could possibly take years before switching would be successful. And even when we would manage to switch, we would only change places. Our real wish was so that I could become a tulpa just like him, and we would live in the wonderland together. But who would take my place? Philip suggested that the unborn tulpa, Amelie, would be a good candidate. I knew that it would probably come down to this, awakening her so that she could take my place as a human. But I was against it, it didn't seem fair. To be born just for a job, a task, to do all the hard work in the body pretending to be me, so that Phil and I could live happily ever after. The thought of that, and Philip's insisting that it would be a great idea, actually drove me to tears. Torn between my own wishes and someone else's, yet again.

 

A month passes, and while on the forum one day, I read the Inception thread. The extent of a tulpas ability to tinker with the mind was (and is) debatable, and it intrigued me, more so than usual. Blocking senses, altering/deleting memories - we've been curious about those, indeed. But altering the way we feel or think? That's hardcore. By this time, all my thoughts of Amelie and switching was forgotten, but not by him. As we two had vowed a long time ago - that we should always at least try to participate in anything science related, be it forms, studies, experiments or stats, especially when it's tulpa related - we gave it a shot. I told Philip he could alter one thing of his choice, but not tell me what it was. I didn't notice anything strange at all the following time, until around New Years.

 

A whole new year, a fresh start. Some New Years resolutions were made, and some hope was found. "Maybe" I thought. "Just maybe, I'll get my act together this year." And hopefully I will. Now comes the part everyone wants to read about, Amalia's awakening. It happened last week, around Tuesday or Wednesday I think. I woke up that morning, and I was greeted with a "Good morning Alice!" from Philip. I remember I had had a strange dream that night, I don't know if that's relevant though. That whole morning, I felt weird, very busy in my head. I asked Philip if something was up, and he replied "Well... I've got a surprise for you."

And then I saw her - Amelie. But she had deviated, she used to be a teeny-tiny little human girl that could fit in my hands. She's as long as me (about 158cm) and appears to be around the same age as Philip and I, and she's quite slim. She has waist-long black hair with a long-ish fringe. She has large white/silver wings, kind of like these ones, but they're not very functional as she can only flap them a little. Her clothes are white and seem to be quite worn, but she doesn't have any shoes. And for her chest, I'd say about a B-cup.

 

I was really surprised to see her, and I asked Philip if it really was her. After he assured me she was, we talked. She was really talkative for being such a new tulpa, I almost thought I was parroting. We introduced each other, explained some things, I asked her a bunch of stuff, with one thing being if she was awake during her "sleep" (yes), and another thing being if she wanted to change her name. "Yes! I want to be called Amalia instead of Amelie!" After a while of socializing, I pulled Philip aside. I wanted to know what the situation was. "I changed your perspective." Was his answer. He then explained that during the Inception experiment he removed the bad idea of making her take over, and "implanted" some new views on it, like the positive aspects of being in charge of a body for herself. I was chocked, had he really done that? I hadn't noticed a thing, but I hadn't thought about it for a while, so. And now that he did, I remembered why I had been so upset about switching places with her. Sure, having to control a robot made of flesh can be tiresome, feeding it, clothing it, working, diseases, social expectations, etc., but you can do so much if you just try. Maybe I just thought it was awful because of my mindset, or because I felt like I was wasting a perfectly good life, when someone else with dreams deserves that chance? I realized that Philip had opened up my eyes, and I was ready to do this now.

 

The next day we all sat down for a big talk, I asked her if she knew why she had woken up from hibernation, and why right now. I already suspected she already knew why, and she confirmed it.

"I awoke because you need me. I know you want to change places with me and become a tulpa."

"Yes, I do, but would you be ok with that? Living in the real world isn't all fun and games."

"Well, neither is being a tulpa. But I'm sure you know that already."

"What if you change your mind? What if-"

"Alice, don't worry. We're not jumping off cliffs here, we're changing places, that's all."

"... If you could choose, would you want to be a human?"

"Yes, of course! From a tulpas perspective, being a human seems fascinating! At least to me. And wanting me to help you become happy is not a sin."

"Aren't you sad you were basically created for this purpose only?"

"Not really, how can I be sad about this? It's not a death sentence, this is an opportunity for me. And for both of you."

"But won't you miss all those people?" (Philip to me)

"I'm sure I will, but it's not as I'll be gone forever, right? Plus we've yet to start the switching process, there's plenty of time to hang out and indirectly say goodbye."

 

And that's how we have ended up here. The plan is basically for Amalia and I to master switching as soon as possible. We recon we'll do it before the summer is over, but we're not sure. For the purpose of keeping things clear and as coherent as possible, I legally changed to name of the body to another name. Philip is Philip, Amalia is Amalia, I am Alice, we call the body "Eva", and the one that currently is in the body will be called that by other humans as well. When she takes over, she'll mimic me as much as she can until she can master it. (It is possible that we'll take turns having Eva, and Philip will maybe try and switch too, it's not carved in stone yet.) There are only 2 conditions for using Eva; 1 is to keep it at least moderately healthy, and 2 is not to tell anyone IRL about this. Rule 2 may be lifted if excessive concern is expressed about related issues. Any behavior out of the norm while using Eva must be checked with Amalia first, since it's basically hers now.

 

I've been teaching Amalia about my life this past week, we haven't forced much, but we're alright anyway. Philip has been rather quiet since after we had the big talk, due to jealousy of me spending more time with her and not with him, but he's alright now. Amalia wasn't really based on any character (however, she's taken a liking to Tooth from Rise of the Guardians), but her personality is quite solid anyway. She's very kind and understanding, super nice and very patient. She's never angry or frustrated, she only gets a little pouty if I accidentally call her Amelie instead of Amalia. (I'm terrible with new names)

 

Yep, I think that's it. Again, I apologize for the long wait, and I hope this wall'o'text was worth the read. I'll post drawings of them soon, I haven't forgotten.


Name: Philip

Age: (7 June, 2012)

Form: Male teenage human, light brown hair, green eyes, jeans & hoodie

 

Name: Amalia

Age: (15 Dec, 2012)

Form: Female teenage fairy, black hair, blue eyes, white dress

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I wish I could say I´m happy for you and Philip but this just seems wrong somehow.

It´s not that I don´t understand where you´re coming from, or why you want to go through with it, i´ve been there, but how is this any different from wanting to commit suicide?

 

Your problems are still going to be there, you´ll still be sad inside, you´ll still be you, switching out with someone else isn´t going to change that.

How long can you live in a world of just two people before you get tired or start going insane?

5 years? 10? 50?

who says you´re going to get out if you can´t take it anymore? Amelie might not want to switch back once she gets a taste of it.

 

Say fuck you to the bullshit society has put into your mind:

 

You don´t need a good/fancy job

You don´t need to give a shit about your family

You don´t need to stay locked in all the problems you have

Fuck all the mandatory bullshit and expectations, you are you, you´re fucking awesome, fuck what people think, go out and live another 7 years, life becomes a lot more clear when you´re 25,

 

All you need is you and the people you care about(phillip and amelie).

 

Sit down and think about the things you want to do together, dream big, find out what you always wanted the most or suddenly crave and GO FOR IT.

Find out what you need to achieve in order to get it, set goals, fuck everyone else and what they think of your goals, it doesn´t matter if you want to fuck a lion with a shotgun, become fit or live a life around escorts in new vegas, almost anything is within your grasp these days as long as you work for it.

 

I know it sounds like a good idea now, but so did suicide at one point as well right?


De bedste og smukkeste ting i verden kan hverken ses eller røres, de må opleves med hjertet.

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Knapp, eighteen isn't that old, right? You can still get educated, if that's what you want.

 

I know how you feel about your tulpas, that's exactly how I feel about mine.

 

Good luck with all your future endeavours. I'm gonna miss you if you permanently switch, though :3


My opinions are all subject to change.

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I agree with Natasha.

Except if Amalia wants to switch

 

The issue doesn´t really lie in whether or not she wants to switch.

 

If you want to look at it from a purely objective viewpoint:

People change, so will Amelie.

Who says she wont "grow out of tulpas" after 5-10 years?

Decide that she will be better of on her own?

I know you properly trust her a lot, but a lot can change during the sands of time, just think about what kind of person you were 5 years ago.

 

It just seems like an "easier/prettier" way to suicide, giving up your body to slowly dwindle away as a thought inside someone elses mind.

I´ve been out there myself, so i know it might seem like a good idea to go through with something that will rid of all the troubles life brings you, but there are other ways.

It doesn´t fucking matter what troubles you, even thought it all seems like it´s never going to end IT IS, and you can work towards ending it.

 

It doesn´t matter if you think you´re fat or have a shitty personality no one likes, you can become fit if you want to, you can find people who fit your personality, you can get a better life.

 

TL;DR Please don´t fucking go through with this, you´ll make a dane cry.


De bedste og smukkeste ting i verden kan hverken ses eller røres, de må opleves med hjertet.

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Wait, why is everyone (especially Natasha) acting as if Knapp is committing suicide? As far as I can tell, she plans on living on in her own wonderland, perfectly able to take back control of Eva

Made me think of EEEE-VA!

.

 

If Knapp does change in the next 5 years, Amalia will probably understand and hand the controls back over.

Yes people change, but this choice is not permanent, and if she changes her mind later she can change things back.

slowly dwindle away as a thought inside someone else's mind.

What makes you think Knapp will dwindle away? Tulpae don't dwindle away. I say they stay all day (and life, but I needed to rhyme)

 

tl;dr

If she switches she doesn't die WTF


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I wish I could say I´m happy for you and Philip but this just seems wrong somehow.

It´s not that I don´t understand where you´re coming from, or why you want to go through with it, i´ve been there, but how is this any different from wanting to commit suicide?

It doesn´t matter if you think you´re fat or have a shitty personality no one likes, you can become fit if you want to, you can find people who fit your personality, you can get a better life.

 

Bork, like jean said, this isn't suicide. I'm not running away from my problems, I'm solving them. I was sad because I didn't have any ambitions, not because of guilt of failing to live up to expectations. Everyone I've ever spoken to about this have told me this exact thing, that I don't have to conform to anyone or anything, that I should just go my own way in my own pace. I've tried it time and time again, but nothing good has every come out of doing so, and I'm not happier for it. You say I'll still be sad, even when we're switched, but I say on the contrary. Philip and I haven't been this happy for a long time, and working on this clear goal makes me feel at ease. I don't doubt this decision in the slightest, and I'd never regret something that I feel so sure about. If this is what would make me happy, even if that would mean becoming something different from what I was born as, I'll do it, despite that others find it distasteful or morally incorrect. Didn't you say that I should find something I want to do and then go for it? Well, I am.

 

How long can you live in a world of just two people before you get tired or start going insane?

5 years? 10? 50?

who says you´re going to get out if you can´t take it anymore? Amelie might not want to switch back once she gets a taste of it.

If you want to look at it from a purely objective viewpoint:

People change, so will Amelie.

Who says she wont "grow out of tulpas" after 5-10 years?

Decide that she will be better of on her own?

I know you properly trust her a lot, but a lot can change during the sands of time, just think about what kind of person you were 5 years ago.

It just seems like an "easier/prettier" way to suicide, giving up your body to slowly dwindle away as a thought inside someone elses mind.

I´ve been out there myself, so i know it might seem like a good idea to go through with something that will rid of all the troubles life brings you, but there are other ways.

It doesn´t fucking matter what troubles you, even thought it all seems like it´s never going to end IT IS, and you can work towards ending it.

 

When did I say it was just going to be the two of us? Since the plan is that Amalia and I will switch places, it'd basically mean that we'd become her tulpae instead. Neither Philip or I are going to dissipate in any way, I assure you. Perhaps we won't be in the wonderland 24/7, maybe we'll be with her imposed, or maybe we'll make other tulpae or NPCs to keep us company, or maybe she'll come and visit sometimes. No, I wouldn't be able to affect the physical world more than a tulpa could. Yes, I'm probably going to miss a lot of things here, including you guys, but I'm not gone, not by a long-shot. And even if she wouldn't want to switch back, that's fine, maybe I wouldn't want to switch back either. Even so, the details are still open for debate, there's plenty of room for changes. If one of us would ever want to change anything, we'd take it from there and come up with something we all can agree to. There's no reason for us all to be biased, even when time passes. But we're not changing our minds about the actual switching, just so we're clear about that.

 

"It's rather rude to assume she'll get tired of us and the wonderland eventually, don't you think? Bored maybe, but so is it in the real world. I'd never hurt her, she trusts me with this. And get my name right, doofus." - Amalia

 

I know it sounds like a good idea now, but so did suicide at one point as well right?

 

Maybe, except not really. It was never a good idea, it was simply the only one that I could see the outcome of at the time. Everything else seemed like so much effort and empty promises for a miniscule gain at best, and I was so tired of it all. Perhaps the reason to why I never actually went through with it was because I knew it wasn't really the way to go for me. We have a much better solution at hand, for everyone involved. I see no despair in this that would even come close to the kind a suicide would bring. I'm pretty sure the only thing that's going to be different for everyone I personally know is a slight "personality change" to me, and I doubt their reactions would be negative; maybe if the tulpa in question was a dickhead, but Amalia's very sweet, so excuse me if I fail to see the suffering in that.

 

I agree with Natasha.

Except if Amalia wants to switch

 

Of course she wants to. I've asked her a million times, and she keeps assuring me she does. We wouldn't do this if not everyone was in on it.

 

Knapp, eighteen isn't that old, right? You can still get educated, if that's what you want.

 

Well, it's not my call anymore, it's all Amalia's choice now. So far she has told me she wants to finish educating and all that, so that's what we're gonna do.

 

Good luck with all your future endeavours. I'm gonna miss you if you permanently switch, though :3

 

I'll miss you too (´・ω・`)

When I'm gone, tell the younglings about the forcer whose name the angels praise. Speak of my legend in awe! Believe in me, and I shall always wander with you.

 

 

 

Made me think of EEEE-VA!

 

 

Dang it, now they can't stop saying "Eeeva~" to each other and giggling like schoolgirls.


Name: Philip

Age: (7 June, 2012)

Form: Male teenage human, light brown hair, green eyes, jeans & hoodie

 

Name: Amalia

Age: (15 Dec, 2012)

Form: Female teenage fairy, black hair, blue eyes, white dress

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