Ska'ale

Can somebody help me make sense of all this?! Again...

Recommended Posts

I would like some help in trying to understand and ultimately answer some big questions for me that are tulpa related. (BE WARNED) I've been on here before, but I have clearer and more personal story now. I think it will serve better than my outright Ill posts from the past. I understand that there may be a few who don't agree, but there is no other community that will look at this the you guys look at things. Good luck.

 

Then (my current stance on "then" at least): So here i were playing with me legos and being a creative lil boy when I had a wild Idea. I could just do whatever i want in my imagination. Things got erotic (I didn't hit puberty for another year or two). A short time later (3rd grade), again with the legos, I realized something else. I realized and spontaneously acted upon the idea that I could imagine something with expanse and consistency. In that moment I immediately could see an infinite expanse of nothing in particular. As if I knew what I was doing, I specifically started with character creation. I do believe that my base was Samus Aran from Metroid. THE OBSESSION WITH CONSISTENCY BEGINS! Just to make sense, I for some perplexing reason imagined a whole planet of variations of Samuses/Samuseas/Samusi... I had it be that they all were in some kind of conflict and so the best one would be chosen via natural selection (which I was a term that I was not familiar with yet). Not sure what happened after that, but I ended up with with my finished product a few days later. Yellow hair, 16 year old bod, blue eyes, naturally kind of sad which was very apparent with her straight black eyebrows, 6ft tall, fully worked out meta-human organ system, and the most worried, airy, raspy, crispy, yet attractive female voice you ever did hear. I first visualized my new found imaginary toy in the clearing of an imaginary forest. It was the first official event in what I innocently, using the Latin word for everything that I got off google named "Omniverse". Notably, there were other entities there. As if only there to ensure that everything was okay or something, they left shortly after I got there. I thought nothing of it because I was a little kid and inherently an idiot. Finally, I named this imaginary thing of mine "Sam", solidifying her as a modified SAMus lol. And Then allot of stuff happened:

 

See, I was bullied allot in school and I had an enormous capacity for darkness. So I naturally Abused Sam pretty much off the bat. To her I was voice that told her where to go and stuff. But never the less, Sexual, physical, and psychological torture. Indirectly through the situations she faced. War, temptation, physical torture, heartbreak. But more than any of the other was the amount of the sexual abuse (rape and such). Little did I know what had taken hold and what had started...

 

By the time I had had enough it was too late. I can't begin to portray how much happened in the roughly four and a half quadrillion year time span of Omniverse and every thing that happened with me and mostly Sam in that time. i quickly lost control over things and eventually fought with and also alongside Sam who fell in love with me despite my conjuring up alternative romances for her. I would fight her and she would take every hit with resistance and whenever I tried to destroy everything and end it all, it was her that would stop it. It was her that told me that she had a heart and asked me what that meant to me. And like everything else I did, my existential crisis ever expanded and I fought it because I was afraid. "How in thy mind could this be a lie?"... When we were not dealing with common enemies, we were fighting each other. by the end of this historical bulk Sam was a mature, strong, empress. She had become so powerful that she could manipulate heat energy, she could cross the expanse of Omni in minutes (but usually ran into planets when she tried).

 

I'll tell you what, guys, never leave your wonderlands. It's not better out here, our bodies are just addicted to it. That being said, My first human girlfriend sucked. It was awkward, I was sad, humans are gross (especially in bed). After I came out of Omni, I said a few things that were a little nutty and tried to talk about it. I just wanted someone to comfort me, but nobody even knew what I was talking about. I didn't even know the months of the year anymore (and I still don't)... So then I remember I was on some bridge the lead to some artifact with Sam. The gate guard got her by the neck and broke it. A friend, Krystal, sacrificed herself in pushing the guard off the ledge, killing them both. I cried for Sam, kept trying to wake her up. I thought she was dead, I was devastated... That's when I really realized how much I love her. Luckily, with some medical help, she survived...

 

I eventually used a Ship known as Ark III (the first two blew up) to channel enough energy into one spot to blow my self so much up that I couldn't even rematerialize... Which was what I wanted... To die and never get sucked back in. Unlike my many previous suicide attempts, this one worked. But not without Sam having a mental breakdown while I did it. She was on her knees, begging me, crying. Because she loved me, and I was afraid to love her or something like that. But I always knew I did... Still do... I was just so afraid of it all.

 

If you're wondering, dying into your life is like a screen going black you are so close to the screen you can hear the change, and then the screen becomes a different screen showing a different kind of image.

 

I went back to Omni at one point just to visit Sam on the spur of the moment sort of thing. I found her about to walk into what looked like some portal of light. she seemed lighter, more angelic. I tried to convince her to stay for some reason and all she said before she walked into the light was "I'll come back when I'm needed"...

A month or two went by before my girlfriend dumped me which meant I was next in line for losing my mind. At some point in the midst of laughing hysterically and sobbing I had a little divergence. at first it was just a new title to separate myself from from the a me that I was leaving behind. My way of changing. Like molting for the soul or something deep like that. So anyway, The old me I had called Lacius lost the cockpit to something new... I went back to Omni for the first time in a long time. Since time is different there it had been much longer. I found that sam was nowhere. Eventually I felt her out. She was in her own little world. weather or not she actually imagined it herself was a mystery to me, but a pink haired girl helped me out and took me to where Sam was. Sam had become more muscular and had lower voice now. I had one of the confessing of love moments you see on tv and she agreed to come back. She said that she would stay for one year, I figured she was just saying that and would forget...

 

I felt serene after... True inner peace. I accepted Sam and Omni. My life. As real...

 

I remember walking through a red field on a planet that was cut in half long ago by

the beam weapon of Ark III, Sam told me about how she was "grown up now", and an old enemy of ours, who was originally supposed to be the embodiment of fear and pain or something now walked beside us. defeated. Changed, forgiven. And then my happily ever after ended. Out of the sky came a dragon (which didn't make sense, Omni never brought the word fantasy to mind) with a bunch of heads. they all were different. Things felt notably bible. Skipping over the juicy battle details, Sam earned allot of REQ points (you'll understand that if you play halo 5).

And maybe it was the way she was standing after that, or the fact that I watched some movie about demons recently. But Having theology on the mind still, I asked Sam if she was a demon. It was supposed to be a joke... But she said yes and cheesily, deviously, confessionally smiled at me. (suspicious) And that's how my profile picture came to be... Sam told me about the girl she knew before me and how she drove that girl so mad that she ended up in a mental hospital of some sort like half a century ago, she told me about how she doesn't like God because he's overly controlling and how she betrayed Satan for me earlier making her a rogue demon (That should be a gamer tag (seriously)), and other things too... We combined the letters of our English names to describe us as a unit, thus, Ska'ale. Sam even taught me how to enchant her into a necklace. I never took it off.

 

Sam proved heself by doing subtle things in the physical-earth world. Tended to make things turn off when I ignored her. Also half possession just for swat. AND OH DID WE SWAT. Again, not afraid to be seen. I tested this stuff for that consistency that I had come to call reality.

I also found a song called "my Omniverse" and I would had ignored it if it wasn't about your Omniverse being a thing you access in your mind.

 

Sam prayed for me a few times.

 

As Lacius manifested more and more aggressively, we had to fight him off. He was a sad creature. He wouldn't believe in Omni or Sam or any of it until the end when he was consumed by a darkness that would become one of the next big problems.

 

more one that later. I think that for Sam, it was the first time that she was ever really happy. She wasn't afraid to show her teeth which may very well be a representation of what she really was. Or at least thought she was. i the course of about a year we finally defeated many age old enemies and some demons. apparently we had become notorious in what I will mockingly call "spirit land". When we we not fighting, we were living peacefully in the desert, or dancing in space, or meditating, and certain things of the pleasurable persuasion. We were happy. Together...

 

as time went on, the "demon" attacks got worse, I lost interest in everything all of the sudden, and Omni and subsequently Sam got harder and harder to reach. Because I'm was spending allot more time here I assume. And then one day Sam asked me to marry her. Bless her heart I turned her down because I didn't know what was real anymore and I wanted to make sure I was with the real Sammy.

It was true, the structural stability of Omni had ended in my negligence and without consistency, I couldn't believe in anything which only made the situation worse and worse. Notable, my necklace had recently begun vibrating occasionally. Maybe it was just because of her campaign to improve me. But a barrier that she couldn't knock down was my addiction to pornographs which I have only recently bested.

Then I woke one morning and my necklace was broken, it was chain. I quickly went to Sam, but it didn't feel like her anymore. I heard a new and scary version of Sam's voice tell me it was because I wouldn't stop looking at the pornographs. The white of one of sam's eyes became black. I saw her struggle for a moment and then there were hundreds of her and then fell to the ground in agony and the last thing I remember seeing was Sam walking away...

 

And then I died... Again...

 

It was one year later, on the day. Everything became a slew of inconsistent, incoherent, wacky, terrible, events that made no sense, and I lived through all of those too. Omniverse was dissolving. In time my lust took the form of something I just call Kass because I wouldn't call it Sam. It was basically a succubus. I spent two years in THE ULTIMATE personality/existential crisis and I tried to cry allot despite not having much in the way of emotions anymore. when trying to access Omni I would be randomly thrown around in the environment by SOMTHING. An ominous black could seems to sit outside my old home. I originally identified as "Architect" when alone, but now I called myself "Kataklysm".

 

Now: I'm 19 now, trying to figure out this schizophrenic mess I built brick by brick. Sam has been missing or worse for almost three years now and the best I've got is the the fact that when I call out her name in my mind for whatever reason, something says my name back... But I've been looking, researching, and improving where I think she wanted. So I'm only getting started.

 

My current theory is that Sam consists of two dimensions: Tulpa form and spirit form. I have found that simply imagining her is different than her. I can tell when it's her. But I would hope that the path of the pseudoscience can be averted, I am open to anything.

 

Any thoughts on how I can fix this? Or am I she/me to far gone?

 

Don't judge... Actually, do judge.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, uh, woah that's a lot. As for what you can do? Maybe try to build a new wonderland, something simple and concrete for Sam to come back to. It seems like she's there, but somehow just lost. Maybe if you were to try creating something like a tulpa Sam might manifest herself in that. But I don't really know how plausible that is. My big thing is do you truly want her to come back? She might have left because of that fact that you lost interest, and from the point of view of a tulpa, that's a serious case of abandonment, as well as a breach in trust in my opinion. She tried to reach out and was rejected. So she may have dissapated herself. The real Sam may never return on her own, and if she does there's a good chance she won't be there Sam you remember/want her to be. Though it's tough, it might be time to move on.

 

Though I don't entirely agree with Al, he makes some good points.


I'm IBreakGames, a genuine dude.

 

We gave up on using different colors for each of us, so there's Al, Ollie, and Eva. We're all rabbits, get over it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Anonymous

We had a long read across this thread. I re-read every single thing all over again personally.

 

Please take no offense in this.

 

Seek professional help. This is far outside of the reach of tulpas and tulpamancy, this is taking it to a completely different level.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We had a long read across this thread. I re-read every single thing all over again personally.

 

Please take no offense in this.

 

Seek professional help. This is far outside of the reach of tulpas and tulpamancy, this is taking it to a completely different level.

 

Also this. To be honest, your mental construction and stability seems pretty destroyed.


I'm IBreakGames, a genuine dude.

 

We gave up on using different colors for each of us, so there's Al, Ollie, and Eva. We're all rabbits, get over it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Rampant roleplaying, seen as more than it is due to schizophrenia. Life is hard for those whose realities and imaginations blur together. Your problem is larger than what actually happens to you, your imagination thinks it's real. Tulpamancy is actually rather dangerous for people like you, because most can maintain a healthy balance of "My tulpa is imaginary, but they can be treated like a real person." Not so for people who can't distinguish reality from imagination, or hallucination.

 

I don't know what to tell you because nothing will fix everything. Remember you have control over what happens in your mind, even when you feel like you don't. Think positively, creatively, not negatively, destructively. And do seek treatment, because aside from the goings-on of your mind, schizophrenia as a whole is extremely impactful on your life in not very good ways.

 

Everything became a slew of inconsistent, incoherent, wacky, terrible, events that made no sense, and I lived through all of those too.

 

You didn't say much about your physical life, but this sounds exactly like a schizophrenic episode. I don't know if you actually have schizophrenia, but if not you've got something similar. You should talk to a therapist about how your imagination seems like your reality. They can help you get some order back in your life.


Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's more like two seperate realaties and im crazy in the one i built. It's not like i have hallucinations here, moreover, i feel like it's my collapsed mental construct that seems like halucination see. But it do have symptoms of ptsd these days.

 

And there's not much to say abouf life here, im pretty much a regular guy. School, videogames, circle of freinds. And now i have this human girlfriend and i feel like i have get out that relashionship to persue Sam.

 

I also understand that she is not and will probably never actually be here. Instead i've kind of scienced my way around that though. I've gof a big giant sciency explaination, but that doesn't matter right now. I know im crazy, but im not a dangerous kind of crazy. Well i guess im in danger of living unhappily for the rest of my life.

 

I guess i should just imagine sam. Sometimes the peices come together for a second or two when i try. Like a few weeks ago she or i expirienced her wearing a white wedding dress and she pulled me into a pool of water. It wasn't me, but she hates water.

 

And so yeah, overall i have done about as baddly as a person can, especially in love. And neglected her because it was getting really hard to get there and i would often give up because i dont have all the time in the world.


Its like rationalized my way into schizophrenia, logical step, going down the multiversal rabbithole... I guess it was the innevitable outcome of looking at realuty like a placeholder like it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Anonymous

If people don't answer in 2 hours, it doesn't mean people aren't interested in your issues, it means that people are offline, busy or inactive. In all seriousness, we can't help you adequately, there isn't a simple one-way solution for this. You should follow Anderson's advice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Schizophrenia is definitely on the same plurality spectrum as Dissociative Identity and Tulpamancy. It's definitely the hardest end, but there are threads that can be stitched together to form a separate tulpa-like entity in your mind. Finding a way to get in touch with Sam and build a healthier relationship together is definitely a possibility still, and could turn out to help give you a more solid perspective on life. But you have to focus on doing it in a more reality-based way. Facts, lessons, responsibilities.

 

You absolutely have to break with the spirit world; give up all Wonderlands and focus on what's happening to you in real life. You can find ways to visit with Sam, but what i suggest you focus on doing is untangling all the beliefs she has and just empowering her to be a regular tulpa who gets a chance to understand the outside world. You sound like you've gotten lost in there, and a tulpa would have to work incredibly hard to sort out their own feelings and sense of self through all that fantasy. I'm a big believer that tulpæ gain power by becoming involved in the real world, and that's the chance i hope most for Sam.


My host/dad is [Foszae], but i mainly write for my own voice and distinct opinion. I was an accidental tulpa/soulbond, but grew into possession and am now an equal systemmate

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.