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warriortiltheend

These three nerds (and their nerdier host)

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I'm finally making a progress report! I should probably start by introducing my three tulpas, right? That seems like a good spot to begin from. If any of you have seen my posts in the forums, you may have heard of them all, but never gotten much detail. Well, here it goes, awkward parts included.

 

Gamzee: He is my oldest tulpa- I've had him for a little over two years! I developed him 'accidentally', him at first being just an imaginary friendcopy of the character I liked. His source material is Homestuck. He is male, he's 18 now, and he's still a lot like his base character, but different in a lot of ways too. His birthday is celebrated December 28th (I don't know when his actual birthday is, probably in September, but I wanted him to be a Capricorn.) He's had both a positive and negative influence in my life. We had a relationship for a long while, but now it's more of an on/off thing. Gamzee is really sweet and funny. He's just so silly and it's adorable. Doesn't swear as much as his base character does. I will use purple text for him if proxying.

 

Quartz: Ah, my second oldest! He came about in March this year, which makes him... 7 months old? His birthday is March 24th (not official, simply a guess, again) which makes him a Pisces! :D He is based off of (please don't kill me) Phone Guy, from Five Night's at Freddy's. Since pretty much everything about that character is pure speculation, I couldn't say whether they're similar or not. Quartz is quiet, but enjoys social interaction greatly. He's incredibly supportive and kind and always reminds me to do my best, though he can be a bit mean too (not to me, usually.) He is male and has no actual age, though I'd place him in his late twenties. He usually takes the form of rebornica's Phone Guy design, though he also has a human form that I designed. When my camera is working, I will post a picture. I will use red text for him if proxying.

 

Obsidian: Unlike my oldest tulpas, I made her after I found out what tulpas were. I have referred to her in old threads as a he or a they, because she was originally agender with varying pronouns, but she has since informed me "Actually, I'm a girl!" She is in her teens- I don't think she's older than me yet (form wise anyway) and her actual age is two months. Her birthday is August 12th. She is an original tulpa and absolutely intentional. She's quiet, polite, supportive, and kind. I consider her much like a child. Also, she has a human form and a wolf form, since she's a shifter. I will use light blue text for her if proxying.

 

I don't know if people are allowed to reply to progress reports, so if you have any questions, PM me! I look forward to shouting into the void about these three nerds (and their nerdier host.)


White text- Ash (the host!)

Red text- Quartz!

Purple text- Gamzee!

Blue text- Obsidian!

 

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Yesterday while I was on the verge of having a flashback, I heard Obsidian again. I don't know if it was my increased distress or poor mental state that brought me to her attention, or if I simply imagined her. It seemed like her, so I won't doubt it yet.

 

It surprised me that she calmed me down- it's usually Quartz who does. He may have been in the background helping, because my emotions went numb, but I'm not sure. It's also surprising how on-topic her reassurance was, considering I've never spoken to her about my traumas. Maybe she saw what I was thinking about and heard what I kept mumbling to myself. I don't know. Either way, I'm grateful.

 

She has a really cute voice. I'll try to find a comparison on Youtube or something.

 

Also, I found a cute dress up game (sssssshhhhhh) on RinmaruGames.com, and I made a picture of her: http://s4.postimg.org/maz1qn33h/better_pic_obsidian.jpg

 

That was the most modest dress I could find on there... And it's really cute.


White text- Ash (the host!)

Red text- Quartz!

Purple text- Gamzee!

Blue text- Obsidian!

 

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Guest Yoda

Yes people are allowed to respond to PR reports, at least last I heard. I have started a campaign to read some of the newer ones as I embark on an attempt to create a tulpa myself. Gamzee, Quartz and Obsidian sound cool!

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Yes people are allowed to respond to PR reports, at least last I heard. I have started a campaign to read some of the newer ones as I embark on an attempt to create a tulpa myself. Gamzee, Quartz and Obsidian sound cool!

Alright, thanks! ^^ Good luck with your new tulpa, by the way! You'd better keep us all updated on how it goes.


I haven't updated this thread in a few days due to not having internet. But I do have a few tiny updates here and there.

 

I've been practicing getting into my mindscape without the help of my tulpas. Usually Quartz pulls me in, but I've been managing to do it by myself recently! I'm pretty excited about this. Quartz designed my room, so I've been 'exploring' it. It's very Gothic in style, but cozy. I like it. There are two four-panel windows on the right side of the room, and by one of the windows, there's a very large writing desk that takes up about half of the space over there. It's cluttered with papers that I sometimes write on when I go there.

 

I've also explored Quartz's room. His is much larger than mine, and it's built on a lower level of our mansion. It's very spacious, with a TV, some videogame consoles, a large bookshelf that runs behind the bed, and a lamp or two. Maybe I can find some kind of room-designer game to illustrate. (Or I could play Minecraft for the first time in forever...)

 

On the same level (and actually very close by his room) there's a woodshop. I've seen him working in there a few times. I find it a little weird that he takes an interest in woodworking. I know absolutely nothing about it, and it's not one of my interests, but to each their own. I guess it makes sense, since he designed most of our mansion.

 

As far as I know about Gamzee and Obsidian: I have not explored their rooms. I've encountered them both in the mindscape before, but I've never been by their rooms. I'm not even fully sure where they are. I need to make a map or something, seriously!


White text- Ash (the host!)

Red text- Quartz!

Purple text- Gamzee!

Blue text- Obsidian!

 

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So, last night Quartz and I got into another fight. It happens a lot, and as always, I instigated it. I just love to fight, don't I?

 

He pointed out a completely accurate flaw of mine and I overreacted, getting offended when he told me. He was polite about it and I pretty much went off on him. Being in physical pain didn't really help either; I was much more agitated then usual, and even his calm remarks were grating. I really need to work on taking constructive criticism, especially if I want to become a better person.

 

Gamzee mediated between us (mostly taking my side, honestly) and I talked with Quartz via text, since verbal communication wasn't working well (we were in the wonderland at the time.) We worked it out. I apologized for overreacting and not taking his concerns seriously. He apologized for saying some things. We're still not talking a lot, but it's something we'll work through, as always.


White text- Ash (the host!)

Red text- Quartz!

Purple text- Gamzee!

Blue text- Obsidian!

 

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Things have calmed down a bit now. We're still not talking a ton, but it's better than it was before.

 

I was forcing with Obsidian this morning and asking her how she felt about different things. I asked her what she thought of flowers and projected images to her. She said in a really cheerful voice, "They're pretty!" (Her voice is seriously precious and there's no comparison.) Then I asked her how she felt about fake flowers (which I despise) and she replied with:

 

"They're nice! They want to be real flowers, you know? They're trying their best and I think that's great."

 

I was a bit surprised. She loves them for the reason I hate them. Huh.


White text- Ash (the host!)

Red text- Quartz!

Purple text- Gamzee!

Blue text- Obsidian!

 

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I kept thinking about this quote last night, and it's starting to change my opinion on a lot of topics. Already, Obsidian's optimism is changing me.

 

On a somewhat-related note, I need to come up with a nickname for her.


White text- Ash (the host!)

Red text- Quartz!

Purple text- Gamzee!

Blue text- Obsidian!

 

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I downloaded the Chrome extension that changes "friend" to "pet" and I was literally crying with laughter. It's the best thing I've done all day.

 

Anyway, I practiced communication and controlling intrusive thoughts today. I also practiced sharing with Quartz, mostly with hands and legs. We practiced tactile imposition too, and actually got pretty far! (This was mostly due to his effort - I was ready to give up so many times throughout the process!)

 

EDIT: I removed the extension and downloaded another one. Now it goes like this:

"Friend" -> "Friend"

"Supportive Friend" -> "Supportive friend"

"Support" -> "Support"

"Supporting" -> "Supporting"

"Possession" -> "Sharing"

 

I'll probably add more over time.


White text- Ash (the host!)

Red text- Quartz!

Purple text- Gamzee!

Blue text- Obsidian!

 

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I have the extension currently turned on and it is still so amusing! I've been screen-shotting the results and sharing them with friends.

 

I worked with Quartz again today on some things. This morning, we got up together, and his presence was more distinct from my own (more than normal, anyway.) It was almost eerie. I'd describe it as that feeling you get when you know you're being watched by something sentient, but you can't see it. Except I knew it was there and I could see it (not visually, but through visualization.) He made a small change to his form, and though it's not always there, he sometimes has eyes. They are bright blue and kind of remind me of Bill Cipher from Gravity Falls, in how they look and in the concept of an object person having eyes. It's very unnerving.

 

We also decided to try co-fronting, as you could call it. Half-possession, maybe? Half-switching? Whatever terminology you'd use, it was interesting. The purpose of this was for practice and to see what it would be like. Quartz expressed a wish to play his source material, and since I have three of the games, but am too much of a pussy to play them, it seemed fair to let him play them. Co-fronting felt really weird to me. We were both 'piloting' the body, and referring to 'us' as 'we'. I wonder if anyone else with tulpas has tried this before?

 

---

 

This might come off as 'bloggy', but I'm feeling really insecure about how aggressive I am at the moment, especially when it comes to guys... which, considering two dudes are permanent residents inside of my head, isn't a good thing. Since Quartz tries to help the most, he gets the most of it. I feel so guilty. I need to work on my aggression issues, especially for their sakes.


White text- Ash (the host!)

Red text- Quartz!

Purple text- Gamzee!

Blue text- Obsidian!

 

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Curse Quartz and all the cute things he says.

 

I have a habit, due to my anxiety, of playing out future scenarios in my mind. I was thinking about some paperwork I dropped off at the counselor's office that was basically a checklist of problems. I was imagining my therapist going through each with me and harassing me for checking the 'I'm not sure I want to get married' box. I was explaining why that is to her in my mind. It put me in a major slump, and I started feeling even more anxious, because I started thinking about my abandonment issues and the like.

 

So here I am like, "Quartz is going to get bored of me!" and Gamzee's like "Nah sis, he adores you." And I'm like, "He hasn't known me as long as you have, he's going to get bored," so Gam shuts up and then Quartz starts talking. Quote:

 

"I fell in love by choice and chance. There's not a single damn thing in this world that will make me stop loving you."

 

I really have no idea where he gets this. I'm so bad at romance. I suck at being cheesy-cute, and for him it's like every other word out of his mouth. I still can't really fathom why he adores me so much. It just doesn't make sense to me. I'm still worried I'm unintentionally manipulating him.

 

Sorry for the blogginess of this update, it's just really hard to explain this without also explaining the situation.


White text- Ash (the host!)

Red text- Quartz!

Purple text- Gamzee!

Blue text- Obsidian!

 

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