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Majas diary!


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After what feels like decades, I finally decided to make a PR. Just because I love talking about her and I feel like most of my friends already are pretty annoyed with my "OHMAGAWD MAJA JUST DID THIS AND THAT ISN'T THAT AMAZING". xD

 

But first, backstory time!

 

I'm not sure when Maja was created. Somewhere back in summer 2014. When I first heard about tulpas, I was so amazed - this is something I have wanted for years, but never thought it would be possible! I started to read everything I could find about tulpas and after a few days I started forcing Maja.

It only took me a few days to get the first emotional response, but our progress soon stagnated due to my motivation problems. I went months without forcing, then tried again for a few days or weeks, and after that.. again nothing.

 

A few months ago, 4 or 5 I guess, I started narrating to Maja again. This time, I told myself, I won't stop again just because I'm lazy. I wanted Maja to be by my side. I also decided to cut out the visual part completely, because I had a very hard time visualisating anything. She became formless.

We had a lot of problems when it came to communication. For a while we communicated over head pressure, and I guess it was as frustrating for her as it was for me. We started practicing possession, so she could just write whatever she wanted to tell me, and it didn't took long until she was able to move my arms - slowly and uncoordinated, but they were moving! However, she couldn't coordinate them good enough to really write, and I have to admit, I've gotten a little lazy again when it comes to practicing possession.

 

On the 18th of november (we treat this as her birthday), I decided I wanted to get her more involved in my daily life, so for the first time, I went to the IRC with her name badged after mine. People greeted her, talked to her, and suddenly she made huge progress - she answered! Very faint and vague, but she answered! One day later, I told my boyfriend and some of my best friends about my idea to involve her, and asked them to talk to her sometimes. This really helped! In just four weeks, she suddenly became way more active, she talks a lot, and I can feel her developing more every day. It's amazing! But we also encountered a problem due to her lack of form. While having a lucid dream, I tried to manifest her, so I could hug her. And it didn't work, no matter how hard I tried.

Yesterday, on the 15th of december, we decided she'll get a (at least temporary) form. After a while she suddenly took the form of an eevee, but decided she'll be a ditto soon after, so she'll be able to morph into any pokemon.

What really amazed me was that we're already able to do touch imposition, even though I still struggle with visualisation. I'll just quote myself from another thread:

 

While laying in bed yesterday she was laying beside me as an eevee and I tried to pet her. I was able to feel the texture of her fur and her fluffy ears, which was really amazing. Then she decided it would be funny to morph into a ditto and.. slime all over my face. And yes, I felt that too. It was so disgusting! :c

 

So.. yeah, this is our progress at the moment. We'll focus on visualisation for a while, and our next big goal is switching, since I want her to be part of the physical world as well.

 

I'm really excited about the progress we made in the past few weeks, and I'm so happy Maja's by my side. I love you, girl. <3

The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure, while always arriving.

 

Maja will either use name tags, [brackets] or this colour.

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We made some awesome progress today!

 

As some of you know, I'm at a psychiatry atm due to being bipolar. On the weekends I'm at home. Well, this weekend was really shitty and my depression just hit me in the face like "YO FUCKER I'M BACK", so eh, I didn't really feel that good.

 

Every Sunday evening we do an "evening circle", where everyone says how their weekend was and how they feel.

When the first person started talking, my head started feeling weird, like being wrapped in cotton wool. After a while I realised this was Maja, trying to switch. She already started moving my head and my hands a little (until then, all we have ever done was possession of my hands, so my head being possessed felt really weird). It felt like I was about to dissociate. I was so fascinated and amazed! I felt how she did that to "protect" me, so I didn't have to go through the evening circle, but I told her to stop and let me handle the situation myself.

 

After the evening circle, we went to our room and started meditating for a while. Switching was always one of my main goals, so this was a huge thing for me! I wanted to use the situation to make some progress regarding switching. It took a while, but after about ten minutes she was able to possess my legs and arms, and after 10 more minutes my whole body. And it was way more coordinated and confident than our previous possessions! She managed to walk through the room and she typed a few messages to tell some of our friends what's currently happening.

Maja said, the whole process felt way more natural than possession. It seems like it was an early stage of switching? Co-fronting? I was still there, but not 100%. More like 80%. And I actually felt like I was high. xD

 

Overall it was an amazing experience and we'll definitely practice this more!

The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure, while always arriving.

 

Maja will either use name tags, [brackets] or this colour.

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Merry Christmas, everyone! Hope you're having some wonderful days.

 

Maja and I had a pretty quiet day, we spend the afternoon with my mom and I was proxying her a little.

In the evening I went to my boyfriends family and we had a wonderful night there, even though it was a little hard to remember her there.

 

It's kinda funny how Maja was all "I don't care about Christmas, whatever", until one of our closest friends wished her a merry Christmas - suddenly she got really excited about it! :D


A little less Christmas-y.. I finally started getting my meds two days ago. Lithium. It'll take a while until I'll be able to feel it's effects (well, beside having a really dry mouth and peeing like a pregnant woman), but I'm really curious about how it'll effect Maja. I don't know what I'd do if it would effect her in some negative way. I mean, I need to take this stuff, but if it would.. idk, block her or something, I'd probably stop taking it anyway.

Huh.

It's fascinating how important she is to me. She's only been vocal for a little over a month, but I can't imagine being without her anymore.

 

[<3]

The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure, while always arriving.

 

Maja will either use name tags, [brackets] or this colour.

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I experienced something today that.. kinda scared me. While lithium is the stuff I have to take everyday, I got promethazine to calm me down in situations where I'm too stressed. I took it for the first time this morning. And goddammit, I felt nothing. No emotions. No interest in any activity. And no tulpa.

I tried to talk to her multiple times through the day, but the best response I got was the really weak feeling of her presence. We couldn't really communicate.

 

[i still feel a little dazed. I don't like this stuff.]

 

Yeah, me neither. Won't take it again, unless I really have to. The lithium doesn't seem to affect her; my dose will be increased tomorrow though. Let's hope for the best.

 

My boyfriend's gonna go to the bar in a few minutes, so we'll force for a while and try to switch.

The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure, while always arriving.

 

Maja will either use name tags, [brackets] or this colour.

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My dose got doubled today - but luckily, it doesn't affect Maja in any way! We even made some progress today!

 

It gets easier for us to get this "head wrapped in cotton wool"-feeling, that I got when we almost switched 7 days ago. I meditated for a while today and I could feel myself getting less and less dominant, so she tried to possess the body again. It didn't last that long, and I had a really hard time motivating myself after we lost focus, so it didn't go further than that. She said, it was really hard for her to take control of the body today, but we'll get it down if we practice on a regular basis.

 

[Like, daily. She's not that much of a regular type, due to her motivation problems. It was really hard to get her motivated to force today!]

 

Yeah, she had to give me some serious headaches, but in the end it was totally worth it. I'll try my best to keep this up!

Gonna be kinda hard to find the right time though. I'm in a room with two other patients, and one of them is in the room like 24/7. Most of the time they'll be quiet if I say I'm gonna meditate for a while, but still, it's annoying, even though I really like both of them. Let's hope for the best.

 

[i'll just make her head hurt again if she gets lazy!]

 

.. thank you, I guess?

 

[You're welcome! Well, she'll be there for another 2 weeks or something, and I'm positive we'll get switching (or at least co-fronting) down in that time.]

 


Oh, almost forgot about this. While I meditated today, I constantly got this "I'm falling"-feeling in my stomach. It felt like my mind was trying to push itself away from the body, but wasn't quite able to, so it just reacted in this strange way? Idk, it's hard to explain, but has anyone ever experienced this?

The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure, while always arriving.

 

Maja will either use name tags, [brackets] or this colour.

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No idea why, but it's been getting harder to hear her/separate our thoughts for the past few days. Especially yesterday was hard. She was more quiet than usual, but even when we talked it all felt.. muffled.

 

Buuuut we took the Myer Briggs Test yesterday! It was really interesting how different our results were. I'm an INFP (The Idealist), while she is an ESTJ (The Guardian).

 

For those who are interested:

INFP

 

[Hidden]

The Idealist

 

 

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

 

INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves

 

INFPs are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

 

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFPs are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

 

INFPs are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFPs can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".

 

When it comes to the mundane details of life maintenance, INFPs are typically completely unaware of such things. They might go for long periods without noticing a stain on the carpet, but carefully and meticulously brush a speck of dust off of their project booklet.

 

INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with impersonal judgment. They don't understand or believe in the validity of impersonal judgment, which makes them naturally rather ineffective at using it. Most INFPs will avoid impersonal analysis, although some have developed this ability and are able to be quite logical. Under stress, it's not uncommon for INFPs to mis-use hard logic in the heat of anger, throwing out fact after (often inaccurate) fact in an emotional outburst.

 

INFPs have very high standards and are perfectionists. Consequently, they are usually hard on themselves, and don't give themselves enough credit. INFPs may have problems working on a project in a group, because their standards are likely to be higher than other members' of the group. In group situations, they may have a "control" problem. The INFP needs to work on balancing their high ideals with the requirements of every day living. Without resolving this conflict, they will never be happy with themselves, and they may become confused and paralyzed about what to do with their lives.

 

INFPs are usually talented writers. They may be awkard and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper. INFPs also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching. They are at their best in situations where they're working towards the public good, and in which they don't need to use hard logic.

 

INFPs who function in their well-developed sides can accomplish great and wonderful things, which they will rarely give themselves credit for. Some of the great, humanistic catalysts in the world have been INFPs.[/hidden]

ESTJ

 

[hidden]

The Guardian

 

As an ESTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in via your five senses in a literal, concrete fashion.

 

ESTJs live in a world of facts and concrete needs. They live in the present, with their eye constantly scanning their personal environment to make sure that everything is running smoothly and systematically. They honor traditions and laws, and have a clear set of standards and beliefs. They expect the same of others, and have no patience or understanding of individuals who do not value these systems. They value competence and efficiency, and like to see quick results for their efforts.

 

ESTJs are take-charge people. They have such a clear vision of the way that things should be, that they naturally step into leadership roles. They are self-confident and aggressive. They are extremely talented at devising systems and plans for action, and at being able to see what steps need to be taken to complete a specific task. They can sometimes be very demanding and critical, because they have such strongly held beliefs, and are likely to express themselves without reserve if they feel someone isn't meeting their standards. But at least their expressions can be taken at face-value, because the ESTJ is extremely straight-forward and honest.

 

The ESTJ is usually a model citizen, and pillar of the community. He or she takes their commitments seriously, and follows their own standards of "good citizenship" to the letter. ESTJ enjoys interacting with people, and likes to have fun. ESTJs can be very boisterous and fun at social events, especially activities which are focused on the family, community, or work.

 

The ESTJ needs to watch out for the tendency to be too rigid, and to become overly detail-oriented. Since they put a lot of weight in their own beliefs, it's important that they remember to value other people's input and opinions. If they neglect their Feeling side, they may have a problem with fulfilling other's needs for intimacy, and may unknowingly hurt people's feelings by applying logic and reason to situations which demand more emotional sensitivity.

 

When bogged down by stress, an ESTJ often feels isolated from others. They feel as if they are misunderstood and undervalued, and that their efforts are taken for granted. Although normally the ESTJ is very verbal and doesn't have any problem expressing themself, when under stress they have a hard time putting their feelings into words and communicating them to others.

 

ESTJs value security and social order above all else, and feel obligated to do all that they can to enhance and promote these goals. They will mow the lawn, vote, join the PTA, attend home owners association meetings, and generally do anything that they can to promote personal and social security.

 

The ESTJ puts forth a lot of effort in almost everything that they do. They will do everything that they think should be done in their job, marriage, and community with a good amount of energy. He or she is conscientious, practical, realistic, and dependable. While the ESTJ will dutifully do everything that is important to work towards a particular cause or goal, they might not naturally see or value the importance of goals which are outside of their practical scope. However, if the ESTJ is able to see the relevance of such goals to practical concerns, you can bet that they'll put every effort into understanding them and incorporating them into their quest for clarity and security.[/hidden]

 

It's really interesting to see how different we are. When I created her, I actually tried to create a personality that is kinda similar to mine, except for a few points. But that altered a lot. I'm totally okay with that, of course! She can be however she wants. Or, however I need her to be, like she just said. Huh.

 

Maja: She needs me to be like this, so she unintentionally created me like that. She's facing a lot of problems right now - well, she always did -, and I want to help her. So it makes sense I'm like that.

 

Me: That.. that sounds like I'm just using you. I'm sorry.

 

Maja: Don't be. I love to be me. You love how I am, too. Everything's fine.

But eh, we really should work on our communication problems. I wonder why it's getting so hard again?

 

Me: I guess I'll proxy her more again, that always seems to help her. Also, what really helped us, was me writing to her. Sometimes I have a hard time separating our thoughts, and whenever I tried to get my head quiet or clear it from my thoughts, I blocked her too. But since proxying works so well for us, I once tried to shut up completely and just write everything I'm thinking down. That really helped us. My head got quieter and she was the only one that used mind voice. Sometime it's just hard to write as fast as you would normally think, but still, it works really well.

 

Maja: Let's try that again.

 

Me: Definitely! Maybe we could even write a Tipps & Tricks submission on that topic someday. But I guess I won't have time for that this year (that sounds weird.. can you guys believe 2015's almost over?).

We'll spend new years with a friend who's also creating a tulpa atm. Since it'll just be the two of us (+ Maja and his non-vocal tulpa, of course) I'll probably proxy Maja all the time. It's nice when she's able to participate in events.

 

Maja: I look forward to it.

The idea is to remain in a state of constant departure, while always arriving.

 

Maja will either use name tags, [brackets] or this colour.

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